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Crna Guja, kreten ili genije...procijenite sami.
The Black Adder The Foretelling
Blackadder "Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be here at our gates."
Queen "Oh, Edmund, I'm not ready. I haven't had a bath or anything."
Blackadder "Mother, Henry is our enemy. When his men get here they'll brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle."
Queen "I shan't bother to change, then."
The Archbishop
Blackadder "Tell me, Brother Baldrick, what exactly did God do to the Sodomites?"
Baldrick "I dunno, but I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other."
Queen "The Archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty little boy whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in the font."
King "Well, that was a long time ago."
Queen "It was last Thursday."
Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: I curse you, and hope that something slightly unpleasant happens to you, like an onion falling on your head."
Baldrick "Well, that is the bottom end of the market. They run all the way to this one, for four ducats."
Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: may the Lord hate you and all your kind, may you be turned orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awkward moment."
The Queen of Spain's Beard
King "Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France in sympathy for the death of his son."
Chiswick "The one you had murdered, My Lord...?"
King "Yes, that's the fellow."
Baldrick (on Blackadder's 'love bites') "Actually, I'd be prepared to swear they were dog bites."
Blackadder "They are not dog bites! She was very attractive."
Baldrick "What, shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes...?"
Percy "Well, it's a famous blue stone, and it comes... from Galveston."
Blackadder "I see. And what about it?"
Percy "Well, My Lord, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start."
Blackadder "I see. And have you ever seen this stone?"
Percy "No, not as such, My Lord, but I know a couple of people who have, and they say it's very very blue indeed."
Blackadder "And have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?"
Percy "No, I shouldn't think so, My Lord."
Blackadder "And neither have you, presumably."
Percy "No, My Lord."
Blackadder "So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen."
Translator (for Infanta) "Your nose is smaller than I expected."
Blackadder "I have suffered no similar disappointment."
Blackadder "The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen."
Baldrick "Mm! And who would want to marry the Earl of Doncaster?"
Blackadder "Well, no one wou- Brilliant! Of course! No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster! Except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort. Quick, what are we going to do?"
Baldrick "First I'll get you looking right. We just need something effeminate draped around your shoulders."
Blackadder "Either of the Beaufort twins would do."
Queen "Oh, look at the two lovebirds."
Blackadder "One lovebird, and one love elephant."
Witchsmeller Pursuivant
Blackadder (to Baldrick) "You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings." [the guards return]
Guard #1 "By the way, how's that eagle of yours?"
Guard #2 "Fine. Had a bit of trouble at first, but now I've clipped its wings, no problem."
The Black Seal
Blackadder (to Percy) "You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned I am reliably informed by women around the court wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be."
Blackadder (on Philip of Burgundy) "He murdered his whole family!"
Pete "Who didn't? I certainly killed mine."
Wilfred "And I killed mine."
Friar "And I killed yours."
Sean "Did you?"
Friar "Yes."
Sean "Good on you, father."
Blackadder II Bells
Blackadder "I use the word 'man' in its broadest possible sense. For, as we all know, God made man in his own image, and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick."
Percy "Sorry I'm late."
Blackadder "No, don't bother apologizing. I'm sorry you're alive."
Percy "Oh good, I see the target is ready. I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me."
Blackadder "Well, go to Spain. There are millions of them."
Blackadder "Jane Herrington?"
Percy "Yes."
Blackadder "Jane bury-me-in-a-Y-shaped-coffin Herrington?"
Percy "I... I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons."
Blackadder "No... Tall, blonde, elegant?"
Percy "Right, that's right."
Blackadder "Goes like a privy door when the plague is in town? Come on, get on with your shot. You'll get over her... I did... So did Baldrick actually."
Blackadder "You're really just an old quack, aren't you?"
Dr. Leech "I'd rather be a quack than a ducky."
Blackadder "Tell me young crone, is this Putney?"
Crone "That it be... that it be..."
Blackadder "'Yes it is', not 'that it be'. You don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me, I'm not a tourist."
Crone "Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is... a woman! And second, she is..."
Blackadder "Wise?"
Crone "You do know her then?"
Blackadder "No, just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful."
Blackadder "Thank you young crone. Here is a purse of moneys... which I'm not going to give to you."
Queen "Girls are normally called Elizabeth, or Mary."
Nursie "And Donald."
Queen "Mouth is open, Nursie: should be shut."
Nursie "But it's true, sweet one. I had three sisters, and they were called Donald, Eric and Basil."
Queen "Then why's your name Nursie?"
Nursie "That isn't my real name!"
Queen "Isn't it?"
Nursie "No."
Queen "What is your real name then?"
Nursie "Bernard."
Queen "Mmmm. It suits you."
Blackadder "Excuse me, could you move along please. Look, I'm waiting for my father in law. Last thing I want is some scruffy old beggar blocking the church door, smelling of cabbage."
Father "I am your father in law."
Blackadder "Oh no... alright, how much you want to clear off?"
Kate "Edmund, how could you? He's my father, my only living relative."
Father "Ten pounds should do the trick."
Head
Blackadder "If I have two beans and then I add two more beans, what does that make?"
Baldrick "Umm... a very small casserole?"
Blackadder "Now try again. One, two, three, four, so how many are there?"
Baldrick "Three."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "And that one."
Blackadder (on Percy's ruff) "You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate."
Percy "It's the latest fashion actually and as a matter of fact it makes me look rather s-e-xy!"
Blackadder "To another plate-swallowing bird perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months."
Melchett "Unhappily Blackadder, the Lord High Executioner is dead."
Blackadder "Oh, woe. Murdered of course?"
Melchett "Oddly enough, no. They usually are but this one just got careless one night and signed his name on the wrong dotted line. They came for him while he slept."
Blackadder "A family atmosphere? This is meant to be a plce of pain and misery and sorrow!"
Cook "That's what I mean, sir."
Gaoler "Mistress Ploppy's a bit of a social realist, sir."
Potato
Blackadder "And where would I find him on a Tuesday?"
Walter "Well, if I remember his old habits, he's normally up the Old Sea Dog."
Blackadder "Oh, yes. And where is the Old Sea Dog?"
Walter "Well, on Tuesdays, he's normally in bed with the captain."
Blackadder "Better a lap-dog to a slip of a girl than a... git!"
Money
Percy "It's just over a thousand methinks, and has for years been hidden beyond the wit of any thief..." [Blackadder joins in] "...in an old sock under the squeaky floorboard..." [Baldrick joins in] "...behind the kitchen dresser."
Percy "You've seen it?"
Blackadder "Seen it, pinched it, spent it. And the same goes for the two farthings Balrick thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy potato."
Baldrick "Oh, bloody hell!"
Bishop "You see, I am a colossal pervert. No form of s-e-xual depravity is too low for me. Animal, vegetable or mineral, I'll do anything to anything."
Blackadder "Ah - fine words for a bishop. Nice to hear the church speaking out for a change on social issues."
Bishop "You fiend! Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity. Have you ever considered a career in the church?"
Beer
Blackadder "It is said, Percy, that civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God."
Percy (delighted) "Yes, I'd heard that."
Blackadder "Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best."
Baldrick "Lord Melchett is very sick."
Blackadder "Really?"
Baldrick "Yes. He's at death's door."
Blackadder "Well, my faithful old reinstated family retainer, let's go and open it for him then!"
Blackadder (on his fake breasts) "Oh, God - my ear muffs have fallen down!"
Chains
Blackadder "Oh, for God's sake. How... can... you... question... me... if... you... don't... speak... English?"
Torturer "No! Yo pregunto las questiones."
Blackadder "All right, let's start with the basics. English is a non-inflected Indo-European language derived from..."
Ludwig "You find yourself amusing, Blackadder."
Blackadder "I try not to fly in the face of public opinion."
Melchett "Perhaps some pleasant word game?"
Blackadder "Yes, all right. Make a sentence out of the following words: face - sodding - your - shut."
Queen "It's just like parties I had when I was tiny. We had tea and cakes and venison and then a trip with a couple of little friends to the executions."
Percy "How sweet."
Queen "If I wanted any of my friends executed, that is."
Blackadder the Third Dish and Dishonesty
Pitt the Younger "I now call upon the leader of the opposition to test me on my Latin vocab."
Blackadder "First name?"
Baldrick "Not sure."
Blackadder "You must have some idea."
Baldrick "Well, it might be Sod Off."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "When I used to play in the gutter I used to say to the other snipes 'Hello, my name's Baldrick', and they used to say 'Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick.'"
Blackadder "As a special reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday." [no pause] "Did you enjoy it? Right."
Blackadder "I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel."
Ink and Incapacity
Blackadder "I believe, sir, that the doctor is trying to tell you that he is happy because he has finished his book. It has apparently taken him ten years."
George "Yes. Well, I'm a slow reader myself."
Blackadder (on Johnson) "I'd bump into cleverer people at a lodge meeting of the Guild of Village Idiots."
Baldrick "That's not what you said when you sent him your navel."
Blackadder "Novel, Baldrick, not navel. I sent him my novel."
Johnson (to George) "Sir! I hope that you are not using this first English dictionary to look up rude words."
Blackadder "Well, I wouldn't be too hopeful - that's what all the other ones will be used for."
Nob and Nobility
Mrs. Miggins "Bonjewer, monsewer. It's French."
Blackadder "So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating in the street. But that's no reason to inflict it on the rest of us."
Blackadder "We hate the French! We fight wars against them! Did all those men die in vain on the field of Agincout? Was the man who burnt Joan of Arc simply wasting good matches?"
George (on Baldrick) "The chances of me scoring if I look and smell like him are zero."
Blackadder "That's true, sir. We shall return presently to bid you farewell."
Baldrick "Mr. B, I've been having second thoughts about this trip to France."
Blackadder "Oh, why?"
Baldrick "Well, as far as I can see, looking and smelling like this, there's not much chance of me scoring either."
Blackadder (on the Scarlet Pimpernel) "He's the most overrated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD 31 Best Disciple Competition."
Blackadder "Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words 'I have a cunning plan' marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?"
Sense and Senility
Blackadder "Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship."
Baldrick "Thank you, Mr. B."
Blackadder "But, as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply 'Sod off, and if I ever meet you again, it will be twenty billion years too soon'." [He leaves.]
Baldrick "Goodbye you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard."
Amy and Amiability
Blackadder "One is born, one runs up bills, one dies. And what have I got to show for it. Nothing! A butler's uniform and a slightly effeminate hairdo."
Baldrick "Don't worry mister B, I have a cunning plan to solve the problem."
Blackadder "Yes Baldrick, let us not forget that you tried to solve the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head."
Blackadder "You've been cutting out the cuttings about the elusive Shadow to put in your highwayman scrap book, haven't you?"
Baldrick "Oh, I can't help it, Mr. B! His life is so dark and shadowy and full of fear and trepidation!"
Blackadder "So's going to the toilet in the middle of the night but you don't keep a scrap book on it."
Baldrick "Yes I do."
Blackadder "Mrs. M, if we were the last three humans on earth, I would be trying to start a family with Baldrick."
Blackadder "Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?"
Baldrick "No, but I've often thought I'd like to."
Blackadder "Well don't, it's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough sinewy men roam the valleys terrorising people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the placenames. Never ask for directions in Wales Baldrick, you'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight."
Blackadder "You mean he's dead?"
Amy "Yes. Dead as that squirrel."
Blackadder "Which squirrel?" [She fires. SQUEAK!] "Oh, that squirrel."
Blackadder "Oh, God, what a way to die. Shot by a transvestite on an unrealistic grassy knoll."
Duel and Duality
Blackadder "And how stands that mighty army, the Clan MacAdder?"
MacAdder "They're both well."
Blackadder "I've always thought Jamie and Angus were such fine boys."
MacAdder "Angus is a girl."
Blackadder "I'm afraid the duel is off."
George "Off!?"
Blackadder "As in sod. I'm not doing it."
Blackadder Goes Forth Plan A: Captain Cook
Baldrick "My father was a nun."
Blackadder "No he wasn't."
Baldrick "He was so, I know because whenever he was in court and the judge used to say 'occupation' he'd say 'nun'."
Blackadder (on his epitaph) "Here lies Edmund Blackadder - and he's bloody annoyed."
Plan B: Corporal Punishment
Perkins "I must say, Captain, I've got to admire your balls."
Blackadder "Perhaps later."
Blackadder (to George and Baldrick) "Henceforth I shall pray nightly to the God who killed Cain and squashed Samson that he comes out of retirement and gets back into pracice with the pair of you." [He answers the phone.] "Blackadder. Ah, Captain Darling... You want two volunteers for a mission into No Man's Land. Codename - Operation Certain Death. Yes, I think I have just the fellows." [Hangs up.] "God is very quick these days."
Plan C: Major Star
Blackadder (on Charlie Chaplin) "I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then finding there's a gas bill tied to it.
Blackadder (to Bob) "You are a girl. And you're a girl with as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get into a polar-bears only club."
Blackadder "A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the Vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside."
Blackadder "Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests their are tribes of Indians as yet untouched by civilisation who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin impressions that yours."
Blackadder (to George) "You were the least convincing female impressionist since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick."
Plan D: Private Plane
Blackadder "For 'magnificent men' read 'biggest show-offs since Lady Godiva entered the enclosure at Ascot claiming she had literally nothing to wear'."
Blackadder "Trust you to skive off to some cushy option."
Darling "There is nothing cushy about life in the Women's Auxiliary Balloon Corps."
Blackadder "The Teutonic reputation for brutality is well founded. Their operas last three or four days and they have no word for 'fluffy'."
Richthoven "Ah, and Lord Flashheart, this is indeed an honour. Finally the two greatest gentlemen flyers in the vorld meet. Two men of honour who have jousted together in the cloud-strewn glory of the skies are face to face at last. How often have I rehearsed this moment of destiny in my dreams. The valour we two encapsulate, the unspoken nobility of our comradeship, the..." [Flashheart shoots him dead.]
Flashheart "What a poof! Let's go!"
Plan E: General Hospital
Blackadder "I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with... 't'."
Baldrick "Breakfast."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "My breakfast always begins with tea, thenI have a little sausage. Then an egg with some little soldiers."
Blackadder "When I say it begins with 't', I meant a letter."
Baldrick "No, it never begins with a letter, the postman don't come until 10.30."
Percy "I'm as British as Queen Victoria!"
Blackadder "You mean your father's German, you're half German and you married a German?"
Mary "Do you have someone special in your life?"
Blackadder "Well, yes I do, as a matter of fact."
Mary "Who?"
Blackadder "Me."
Mary "No, someone you love and cherish and want to keep safe from all the horror and the hurt?"
Blackadder "Still me, really."
Plan F: Goodbyeee
Baldrick (on the war) "I heard it started when some chap called Archie Duke shot an ostich because he was hungry."
Blackadder "I think you mean it started when the Arch-Duke of Austro-Hungary got shot."
Baldrick "No, there was definitely an ostrich involved."
Blackadder "The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterent. That way there could never be a war."
Baldrick "Except, well, this is a sort of war, isn't it?"
Blackadder "That's right, there was one tiny flaw in the plan."
George "Oh, what was that?"
Blackadder "It was bollocks."
Melchett "Do you love your country, soldier?"
Baldrick "Certainly do, sir."
Melchett "And do you love your king?"
Baldrick "Certainly don't, sir."
Melchett "Why not?"
Baldrick "My mum told me never to trust men with beards."
Baldrick (on joining up) "It was great - the first time I've ever really felt popular, everyone was cheering and throwing flowers, a gril actually came up and kissed me."
Blackadder "Poor woman - first casualty of the war."
Blackadder "My God, you've got it, you've got it!" [Kisses Baldrick.]
Baldrick "Well, if I've got it, you've got it too now, sir."
Blackadder "Both sides advanced further during one Christmas piss-up than we've managed in the next two and a half years."
Baldrick "Sir, sir, do you remember the football match sir?"
Blackadder "Remember it, how could I forget it? I was never offside, I could not believe that decision."
Blackadder "I think the phrase rhymes with 'clucking bell'."
Percy "Made a note in my diary on the way here. Says simply 'bugger'."
Blackadder's Christmas Carol
Blackadder "Baldrick, you wouldn't recognise a cunning plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Cunning plans are here again'."
The Black Adder
(episodes 1-5)
The sound of hoof beats 'cross the glade,
Good folk, lock up your son and daughter,
Beware the deadly flashing blade,
Unless you want to end up shorter.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he rides a pitch black steed.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he's very bad indeed.
Black: his gloves of finest mole,
Black: his codpiece made of metal,
His horse is blacker than a vole,
His pot is blacker than his kettle.
Black Adder, Black Adder, with many an cunning plan.
Black Adder, Black Adder, you horrid little man.
"The Black Seal" (episode 6)
So now the wage of sin is paid,
The blameless dead, the black steed grazes.
The only sound across the glade
Is Edmund pushing up the daisies.
Black Adder, Black Adder, a shame about the plan.
Black Adder, Black Adder, tha' worked, you horrid man.
Blackadder II
"Bells"
Lord Flashheart tweaked the Adder's beard.
From now he always shall be single.
To fall in love with boys is weird,
Especially boys without a dingle.
Black Adder, Black Adder, his taste is rather odd.
Black Adder, Black Adder, the randy little sod.
Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, I wish you were the star.
Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, you're sexier by far.
"Head"
His great-grandfather was a king,
Although for only thirty seconds.
When put in charge of beheading,
He felt that fame and glory beckoned.
Black Adder, Black Adder, no such blooming luck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, Elizabethan shmuck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, nothing goes as planned.
Black Adder, Black Adder, life deals him a bum hand.
"Potato"
Sir Francis and Sir Walter had
Discovered new worlds and new nations.
And though Black Adder thought them mad,
He tried his hand at navigation.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he saw the ocean's foam.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he should have stayed at home.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he heard the new world's call.
Black Adder, Black Adder, discovered bugger-all.
"Money"
Take heed the moral of this tale:
Be not a borrower or lender.
And if your finances do fail,
Make sure your banker's not a bender.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he trusted in the church.
Black Adder, Black Adder, it left him in the lurch.
Black Adder, Black Adder, his life was almost done.
Black Adder, Black Adder, who gives a toss? No one.
"Beer"
Black Adder couldn't hold his beer.
The art of boozing he's not mastered.
And I, your merry balladeer,
Am also well and truly plastered.
Black Adder, Black Adder, a bit like Robin Hood.
Black Adder, Black Adder, but nothing like as good.
Black Ad
Black Adder, Black Adder, our writers must have lied.
"Chains"
Beware all ye who lust for fame.
The path of life is most uncertain.
Prince Ludwig thought he'd won the game.
But now the Kraut's gone for a burton.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he beat the Hun by luck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he's smarter than a duck.
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, intelligent and deep.
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, a shame about the sheep.
Blackadder's Christmas Carol
He's kind & gen'rous to the sick,
He'd never spread a nasty rumour.
He never gets on people's wick,
And doesn't laugh at toilet humour.
Blackadder, Blackadder,
He's sickeningly good.
Blackadder, Blackadder,
As nice as Christmas pud.
Blackadder Back & Forth closing song
Let joy fill every Briton's heart,
For now the country's going to make it.
At last a King who looks the part,
At last a Queen who looks good naked.
Blackadder,
Blackadder,
A monarch with panache,
Blackadder,
Blackadder
He's got a nice moustache
Everything he wants he'll get,
The world is now Blackadder's oyster,
Most Prime Ministers are wet,
But Baldrick he is even moister.
Blackadder,
Blackadder,
A dog who's got his bone,
Blackadder,
Blackadder,
A bastard on the throne
Blackadder,
Blackadder,
His beard is neatly curled,
Blackadder,
Blackadder,
He's going to rule the world
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blog o ničemu,ama baš ničemu ....
Oprostite za ponekad nečitljive i povremene totalno nerazumljive riječi, rečenice i druge natpise. To je rezultat mojeg krajnjeg nemara za pravopis i ustroj rečenice kombinirano sa mojom brzopletošću na tastaturi s kojom se i dan-danas ne znam služiti...
unarprijed se ograđujem od svih uvredljivih sadržaja koje ćete možda pročitati ovdje...sav govor mržnje koji možda pročitate ovdje, je čisti nesporazum, čudna pogreška kod copy-paste operacija...mejk lav nat vor ,end mejk mor litl bučrz...
Čitao sam novine, i vidio sam nešto što me čisto zapanjilo, dobro nije baš, recimo da me ugodno iznenadilo pošto sam znao da će do toga doći kad-tad…znam šta mislite ali nisam dobio Pulitzerovu, Nobelovu niti ikoju drugu nagradu. Ne, ono što me iznenadio bila je činjenica da su Jediji napokon zatražili da ih priznaju kao vjeru…napisali su pismo UN-u, jer oni su među 4 najveće religije na svijetu, navodno se u V.B njih 400 000 deklariralo kao tegljači light-sabera, na našem prostoru vječito popularne svjetlosne čakije.
Oni imaju tradiciju stariju od čovječanstva, kad se negdje u najcrnjim predjelima galaktičke vukojebine rodio prvi blondie Jedi po imenu Kaja Sinis…zašto se ni jedna Jedi ne zove nekako normalno, ne znam Petar, Darko, Mirko…Mirko je lijepo ime za Jedija, Mirko galaktički mirotvorac i nositelj svete lajt čakije praoca svih prana-bindu umjetnika i transpolnih ratnika, branitelja galaktičke vukojebine i nosioca jedine istine svijetle strane……ima toga još ali nema smisla više nabrajati. Oni su vam nešto kao svemirski kninđe, hodaju po zidovima, imaju kul trikove, ogromne čakije egzotičnih imena, sposobnost nečega i ševe najbolje trebe ali samo onda kad ne propovijedaju moral i krijepost…nešto kao naši župnici.
…
Baš me zanima koliko može potegnuti prosječni svjetlosni hanđar (to vam je nešto kao čakija, nož za one neinformirane), da li duže traje ako staviš duracell baterije,ko onaj zeko rozi…jel ga možeš prespojit na onu veliku kockastu bateriju ko što smo lasere spajali jer su one male baterije bile bezobrazno skupe, šta ako ga uroiš u vodu, jel voda prokuha ili nestane, kako svjetlosni hanđar svijetli, zašto je baš toliko dugačak, zašto jediji imaju one gay uniforme, koliko ima picajzli u javnoj kući na arizoni, kako je Mirko spasio Slavku život…šta ako je drkanje stvarno smrtni grijeh hoću li u pakao….
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…I sad je jedino pitanje kada će dobiti opoziciju, jer činjenica je da ništa ne opstaje bez nečega na šta će svaljivati krivnju za sve…sotonizam je najbolji prijatelj kršćanstva, da nema sotone ne bi bilo ni crkve, ne bi bilo pakla i samim time ne bi bilo smisla u pobožnom životu i ne bi bilo povoda da svećenicima punimo đepove, isto tako Jediji ne mogu postojati bez Sitha…jebo galaktičku silu ako nema galaktičke protusile što rezultira galaktičkom makljažom, šorom, ševom i mačevanjem u galaktičkoj vukojebini (odlučio sam što više upotrebljavati tu divnu staroslavensku riječ, divnu i pjevnu koja kapa sa usana poput toplog meda: VUKOJEBINA, od staroslavenskog: tamo ti se jebu vukovi) Uostalom ovi dark sideri su onako kulniji od Jedija…šta ovi imaju Yodu,zelenog gremlina sa špicastim ušima i tri vlasi kose koji živi u vukojebini vukojebine tamo gdje se ni svemirski kurjaci vieš ne jebavaju, gdje je tvorac kozmosa rekao umoran sam pa šta ispadne, pa šta ako ima 900 godina, zelen je, i ima siguno mala smežurana salmonelom zaražena jedi jaja koja više nemaju sile ni visjeti a kamoli praviti nove gremline jake u sili. Sithovi imaju Vadera, galaktičkog darkera koji unosi red i disciplinu u redove sa svoji nevidljivim vratostiskom,i glasom James Earl Jonesa, ima crvenu čakiju i elektroničkog pišu, potajni san svake sljedbenice sile…penis obdaren u sili koji radi na pneumatiku, nikada se ne umara, i nepodliježe fizikalnim zakonima zamora materijala, ne može napraviti nepoželjne potomke i ima automatsku mazalicu…Vader je kul, on je apsolutno najjači lik u galaksiji i šire…on bi Supermana isprašio, on bi razbio Zagora i pred njegovim oččima napastovao Chica (to se naravno eće desiti jer on nije gay, iako ima ono kožno odijelo i veliki mač koji kompenzira koje šta, ali to mu opraštamo), on je moćniji od Žakovog apetita, on je jači od svega osim od Chuck crvene smrti Norrisa, Michaela Američkog kninđe Dudikoffa, Steven Stevice rukolomitelja Seagala i možda još nekoliko kninđi i kung-fu majstora i nekolicine bosanskih šumskih radnika obučenih u rigoroznim uvjetima na Vlašičkim bukvama.
Uglavnom da bi se proširila ta stara i drevna mirotvorna religija, koja će nas naučiti nešto između budizma, kršćanstva i new agea mora prije nje korijenje pustiti ova mračna, hedonistička strana sile koja će nas naučiti da moramo obrisati svoju guzicu i kako iskoristiti blagodare moderne robotike u svrhu seksualnog zadovoljstva i kako napraviti da vaš Tamagochi naraste a da ga ne ugušite u tonama dreka.
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Poruka za sve igličare na netu…selite u Britaniju, murja tamo pokrenula akciju da se svim žutaćima, narkićima dijeli ’eroin na recept.
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I piše u starom Jutarnjem da se neki sob u Švedskoj, zemlji skupog alkohola, skupih cigara, lošeg piva, vikinga, puno alkoholičara s obzirom na cijenu alkohola i velikih lijepih žena, neki sob najeo fermentiranih jabuka i napio se, svaki dan je on dolazio da drveta svoga jabukova i jeo jabuke i branio ih od pohotnih klinaca švedskih koji su se isto htjeli napiti jabukama, ali jednog dan je pojeo previše jabuka i utopio se u rijeci… Lažu gamad… vidjevši što piše ja sam čisto iz znanstvenih razloga pojeo kilu jabuka…i nisam se napio...nikad ne vjerujte pijanom sobu u dnevnim tiskovinama.
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AJ pozdrav od Gospodara Majmuna
Ne moram više raditi noćnu, večeras ću se probat napit...možda i neću ali vjerojatno hoću...ali opet, kad malo bolje razmislim...ma vidjet ćemo ko ga jebe.
Ovaj posao mi totalno poremetio probavu, cijelo vrijeme sam nešto suho jeo pošto sam cijele dane crkavao u krevetu...nema više kapitalnih produkata probave, nema više aromaterapije, nema više mjesećine i suza u očima dok se boriš za još jedan udisaj kroz mnoge slojeve majice koju si navukao preko nosa samo da bi osigurao onu dodatnu sekundu prisebnosti koja će ti omogućiti da ulaštiš njegovo veličanstvo svemoćnu pozadinu...
Nema više umjetničkih djela i neosvojivih vrhunaca i gorila u magli... sve je završeno...ali postoji tračak nade, oveca količina bambusa bi trebala vratiti stvari u normalu...nadam se.
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umjetnost ima mnogo vidova, a ovo je samo jedan od njih....pogledajte samo kompoziciju, igru svjetla i sjene, teksturu i kombinaciju boja čista umjetnost u velikim proporcijama
Da znam da sam odvratan ali zanimljivo je za pogledati u svkom slučaju.
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Ovih dana nisam gledao televizor i nisam išao van, ne znam šta se dešava, 3 dana izolacije je za mene jednostavno previše, kako ljudi mogu funkcionirati a da ne znaju jel Steven Segal preživio posljednji okršaj sa yakuzom ili jel Jacques pojeo još jednu zvijezdu naše estrade...je li Tokyo preživo novi napad Godzille ili ga je u tome sprjecio dinovski moljac? Kako normalno funkcionirati kad ne znaš jel se prcaju BB-ovci...sad mi kaže moja mater da je vidila u najavi da su se oprašivali u wc-u...to je tako slatko (zapravo je više slano ali to cemo konteksta radi zanemariti ovaj put), iako ja mislim da wc služi za samo jedno...čitanje novina u miru i tišini saftajuci se u mirisima prirode,ili u nedostatku boljeg prostora za zadovoljavanje drugih bioloških potreba tako čestih kod mladih primjeraka u razvojnoj fazi kada je pražnjenje kojekakvih privjesaka na tijelu više potreba nego zabava.
Kad sam se već dotakao teme nepobjedivog i neuništivog, nikada prejebnog, ne govorim o Čaku ubojici smrti Norisu, već o manje eksponiranom u zadnje vrijeme ali jednako strašnom Stevenu Stevici rukolomitelju Seagalu, i njegovih 1000 lica smrti koja umiranju daje novu dimenziju.
Gledao sam njegov relativno novi film ovih dana i vidio da se pretvorio u ovo:
a nekoć je bio ovakav,moćni ubojica...zapravo ne zanm koliko je ljudi ubio, uglavnom im slomi ruke i ode, pretpostavljam da si oni sami oduzimaju život kako bi skratili muke umiranja, no ot otm po tom:
Nadam se da ste primjetili oćitu promjenu koja se dogodila na njemu, ja mislim osobno da je to posljedica njegove vegetarijanske prehrane i druženja Lamom (lama- živina papkarske orijentacije koja prebiva na visoravnima Anda gdje pljuje po prlaznicima za sitni novac i koricu kruha, ili u ovom slučaju Dalaj Lama živina budisticke orijentacije koja više ne prebiva na visoravnima Himalaja odakle su ga otjerale komunističke vlasti kineske mnogoljudne državne zajednice i sada po svijetu pljuje ljude i pojavljuje se u talk-šouovima za sitne novce i koricu kruha...inače nemojte me krivo shvatiti ja nemam ništa protiv Dalaj Lame, mislim da je on dobar čova koji nije imao sreće, nego se slučajno inakrnirao u novog Dalaj Lamu i sad ne smije prcat nego samo izgledat simaptično i nositi naočale ko Ghandi dok objašnjava da je problem u faci). jeste li primjetili ovaj novi sretan izraz lica upotpunjen sa obraznim vrečicama i podbuhlim očima karakterisitičnim za ljude koji se zdravo hrane...
A nekoć je bio tako opak i imao je samo dva izraza lica: ljuti i neutralni, onako kežjual nezainteresirani...u zadnjem filmu je imao samo ljuti. Nisam mogao vjerovati da se njegovi poslovično loši filmovi mogu još više pogoršati. Ne smo što su i dalje glupavo predvidivi...članovi azijskog vokalono instrumentalnog sastava organiziranih kriminalaca mu podmjeste neku pizdariju i ubiju mu obitelj i onda on njih sve ukoka ali sada stojeći na mjestu i čekajući, vrebajući na žrtve koje oko njega lete u maniri najboljih kung-fu hongkonških spektakl uradaka, dok im rukavi rade vuuuš, a šake lete kroz zrak uz čujni faf, da bi to sve završilo sa Stvicinom kontrom u starom batman stilu (sjećate se onog starog debelog šišmišara, u sivom, uskom gay trikou sa svojim momčićem Robinom u podjednako ako ne i više gay obleki crveno,žuto-zelene ara boje, to je u biti bio prvi gay-pedofilski par koji je izašao iz amerićanske tvornice snova Svetog Drveta), Bam-paf-tres, da bi poslije oni ležali po podu i posljednji preživjeli uzdisali puf-pant, a Stevica izlazi iz sobe bez kapljice znoja na svome kao isklesanom od bračkog kamena, debelom torzu...sve su uništili u Hollywoodu ništa im nije sveto...još ce od Leslie Nielsena napraviti glumca, a Vin Diesel ce dobiti Oscara kojeg ce od tog dana preimenovati u nagradu Ice-t za životno djelo...
Ne da mi se pisati odo ja popit, ali za kraj bi se htio ispricati zbog ocitog manjka kvalitete ovoga posta, nemam volje ni inspriacije, obecavam da ce biti bolje drugi put.
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Sve je ovo pisano jučer, kada blog hr naravno opet nije radio kako treba, ali danas je novi dan i vrijeme za nove pobjede, nadam se iskreno...Danas sam blago mamuran, glava me boli, stomak mi krulji i jedan dugačak flatus me upravo obavjestio da mi je vrijeme koje ću provesti van ćenife jako kratko.
Još jednom pozdrav od Gospodara Majmuna...
E da i aj ako nije bad, vi koji tako revno čitate moje postove a ne komentirate, znam da vas ima i vi dobro znate koji ste...da,da vi, možete tu i tamo nešto i napisati, makar "jedi govna postovi su ti šrot, mama ti je hrčak a tata ti smrdi na bazgu, ti glupavi čovječe"
I de kliknite nekad na oo malo pizdarijo kojo stoji sa strane, ono za glasanje...
Ajd sad stvarno pozdrav
Pozdrav naciji i inozemnim čitateljima upravo sam se vratio sa mučne ekspedicije u dubinama odaja keramičke božice, sa uvijek novim saznanjima kojih bi se postidio i nekoć u našim prostorima popularni Branko mali Pravokutnik. Sve što vam mogu reći je da pijanstvo jedne noći i kuhana jaja sa ajvarom nakon čega slijedi jaka turska kava nikako ne idu zajedno i ako vam je život, tjelesni integritet a nadasve cjelovitost vaših olfaktivnih stanica mila ne pokušavajte to kod kuće. Ipak to je samo za profesionalce.
Kad smo već kod destruktivnih utjecaja na naša krhka ovodimenzionalna tijela ispričat ću vam priču kako je nastalo Žikino kolo…dobro zapravo neću, ali ću vam ispričati o mom susretu sa mističnim svijetom elektronskih radijacijo mjera, new age baljezgarija i pogubnim zrakama koje se nalaze svuda oko nas. Počelo je nekako ovako…ta-na-na-na-ta-na-na-na-ta-na-na-na-na (melodija iz zone sumraka, pa si vi dočarajate).
Dođoh ja umoran i rastrgan enormnim mentalnim naporom, sa jednog od mojih brojnih putovanja na fakultet, kući i obavim sve ono što se obavlja uz novine, popijem kahvu tursku,crnu,jaku i gustu, vruću koja diže konje iz mrtvih, posjetim najdražu mi porculansku božicu i obavim jednu crnu, gustu, vruću nuždu koja ponovno ubija one iste konje. Kad od jednom osjetim propuh iza sebe, okrenem se…i prestrašen, suznim očima prepunim straha ugledam ga…bio je to on, vjerojatno je oduvijek ovdje samo što se nije nikada izlagao smrtnom pogledu, stajao je tamo miran i hladan, a vjetar je zavijao kroz njega…bio je to prozor, ali ne bilo kakav prozor već otvoren. Netko je otvorio penđer u mojoj ćenifi s pogledom na avliju gdje nema kerova, gdje nitko ne merači kahvu iz filđana i rathluk (malo turcizma nikog nije ubilo). Sve ovo nema apsolutno nikakve veze sa ničime i to sam ubacio samo zato da vidim tko obraća pažnju dok pričam.
Dakle jedna osoba iz mog kućanstva je naručila posjet onih nekih teta sa mesinganim antenama i čudesnim mnogosvjetlim uređajima na dugmiće i raznobojne diode. Bili su to radio-estezisti (đabalebaroši što mlate praznu slamu…to vam piše u riječniku ovom novom, a bilo je i jednom u emisiji profesora Labana, inače riječ dolazi od staro latinske riječi za radio prijemnik „radio“ i novo slavenske skovanice „estezist“ što ne znam šta je). E i oni došli da izmjere količinu radijacije u našim izbama. Prvo soba dotičnog mi ukućana, tom pregledu nisam bio nazočan jer sam bio spriječen, nakon toga je na red došao u moj brlog. Vidjevši da je moja kanta upaljena prvo se gospođa, nadalje ćemo je zvati Zagor zato što je imala i sidekicka kojeg ćemo oslovljavati u tekstu kao Chico, znači Zagor se ponudio da će prvo izmjeriti količinu tehničke radijacije. Izvadi tako Zagor iz svoje torbe čudesnu napravu kakvu ne vidješe moje oči za cijelog mojega života, a bogami i nitko drugi u našem selu nije ugledao takojega čudesa nigdar prije. Bio je to moćni mjerač tehničke radijacije (MMTR) sa mnogobrojnim čudesnim i zapanjujućim led-diodama po sebi koje su reagirale na stiskanje nekakvih dugmeta sa strane, a na vrhu tog uređaja iz 3 sezone Star Dreka, bio je neki kurac sa rupom na vrhu. I usmjeri Zagor to na monitor moje moćne kante i lagano zapištaše taj MMTR lagano i uhu ugodno poput slavuja pod mesarskom sjekirom, i reče Zagor:“Ovaj kompjutor je dobar još, ne zrači jako“ i sreća zagrije moje srce. Tada usmjeri MMTR (za one koji su se tek sad uključili „moćni mjerač tehničke radijacije“) na moju malu, ugašenu stolnu lampu. Moćni zvuk ispuni sobu, dugim godinama posla prekaljeni Zagor se samo namršti, a ja Chico se survamo na pod i pokrijemo ruke ušima ne bi li spasili svoje bubnjiće od sigurnog puknuća, valjali smo se po podu od prevelike boli a MMTR je i dalje urlao iz svojeg malenog ali potentnog zvučnika, a Chicu poteče krv iz uha lijevog. Zagor je ugasio uređaj, okrenuo se prema meni i kaže on mojoj malenkosti (nisam bio gol, samo sam skroman) kako je ta stolna lampa, fenjer dapače veliki izvor elektrosmoga koji se preko plohe stola upija u moj organizam i pravi kuršlus unutra. Tada odluči provjeriti one radijacije, preda Chicu MMTR i uzme iz njegovih ruku dvije mesingane šipke DMŠ još jedno drevno oruđe rašljara i nadri persona, i također preuzme od vjernog sidekicka također moćni mjerač zračenja sa velikom špicastom mesinganom antenom TMMZVŠMA. Prvo upotrijebi DMŠ i šeta po sobi, mršti se i odmahuje glavom, poput napaljenog magareta…“Ovdje nema podzemnih tokova vode, dobro“ reče Zago odlučnim glasom i odbaci DMŠ. Tada uključi TMMZVŠMA i pređe preko uzglavlja mojega kreveta a antena TMMZVŠMA-a se počne bjesomučno okretati, a sam uređaj zatuli kao rasna perzijska mačka kad ju zatepe FAP kljunaš (mitsko prijevozno sredstvo proizvedeno u Fabrici Automobila Prijeboj, navodno se i dan danas mogu vidjeti na prostoru bivše Yugoslavije i sibirskim stepama)…U biti da skratim priču jer kako je krenulo neće dugo završiti. Zagor je zaključio da gornjim dijelo, mojega kreveta prolaze tokovi dijagonalnog zračenja što mi je Chico spremno objasnio na očito univerzalnom dijagramu koji je jednak za sve dijelove velike zemlje Hrvatske. Od tog zračenja koje je otkrio TMMZVŠMA će vjerojatno, nakon dvije godine što budem spavao tu (inače spavam nekih 3 i pol na isto mjestu), uzrokovati bolove u ramenu, trnjenje ruke, probleme sa srcem, krvnim tlakom i krvnom slikom i odem onda u kurac…Ali to nije sve ako naručite danas našu kantu radioaktivnog otpada dobit ćete ne 5 ne 6 a bogami ni 4,3 i 2 toka zračenja već još jedan tok zračenja potpuno besplatno a uz to poklonit ćemo vam i ove udobne papučice od malih čudnovatih kljunaša (ponuda vrijedi do isteka zaliha). Na drugoj polovini mog ležaja TMMZVŠMA je otkrio još jedno vertikalno polje zračenja, što mi je opet spremno pokazao na suradnju vječno spreman Chico na onoj njegovoj univerzalnoj karti zračenja, taj tok će uzrokovati probleme u cijelom uro-genitalnom traktu, to su vam pišo (kako zločesta riječ uf), prostata, kesa sa jajima i bešika popularno zvana mjehur ili mokračnjak. Kad to sve kombiniramo sa činjenicom da spavam u smjeru istok-zapad a sve stanice u tijelu su očito programirane na sjever-jug (stvar opće kulture pa to svi znamo) kako kaže Zagor…u kurcu sam. Ja, Gospodar Majmuna spavam na grotlu pakla odakle me vrag ubada svojm đinovskom vilicom u moje privatlije, organe za reprodukciju i šoranje…sudbina mi je zapečaćena…Ali čekaj postoji spas, sačuvat ću svoj herc i genitalije ako od Zagora i Chica kupim poseban ležaj sa fleksibilnim magnetima od fero-??? Zajedno sa još nečim za nekih cca 2000 eura, mala cijena za zdravlje :D:D
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I mislite da se nisam opet zajebo, ja napisao da kod nas u BB-u neće biti seksa, kako sam se ujebao. Piše danas u Metro-u (jedine novine siromašnog studenta) da su se prcnuli onaj svetac i ona žemskinja za koju moja draga majka kaže da je…pa izrazimo se blago, priglupa. Navodno su se oprašivali punih 20 minuta i to sa kondomom. Kako?!?!?! Ponavljam KAKO se student teologije može služiti takvim profanim sotonskim oruđem grijeha i propasti ljudske rase kao što je kurton-gumica? Užas, nemoral i grijeh su svuda oko nas. Sad će jadna hrvatska djeca osim klete erotike i smokvinog lista učiti o pticama i pčelama još i iz emisije narodne predaje BB.
Do daljnjeg pozdrav od Gospodara Majmuna
Nakon mnogo bajrama i ja sam se još jednom uključio u onu veliku avanturu poznatu kao javni prijevoz. Sve je ostalo isto, autobusi su isti doduše pomalo išaraniji i derutniji zahvaljujući našim uvijek aktivnim dečkićima i curicama koji su vječno spremni ovjekovječiti svoju prisutnost u velikoj javnoj kočiji markerom, nožem, tjelesnim tekućinama…jebote dobijemo od švaba bus star 10 godina koji izgleda ko novi nakon 6 mjeseci kod nas izgleda ko jebeni relikt iz najgorih dana 2 svjetskog rata, al jebiga takva nam je karma. Naravno jedna vječna, neizbježna stvar u busu je onaj dio javnosti koji ima besplatni prijevoz i više od svega voli biti na pijaci oko 8 a po mogućnosti i prije, da dame i gospodo pogodili ste to su penzioneri (po naški umirovljenici-hrv. Oni u penziji, od stare riječi umiru i nastavka nici koji govori da ih je više). Penzioneri, i to oni stariji, jeste da imaju cijeli božji dan vremena za sve, ali jebiga ujutro je najhladnije a u autobusu je ipak toplo, a mladi idu u školu i na fakultet što je fenomenalna prilika da se nekome ispriča priča o davno riknulom tetku koji je imao 5 hektara zemlje kod Vojnića prije nego su mu to oduzeli partizani, sunce ima kalaisano. Neizbježno nakon zamarajuće priče ,nepopravljivih psiholoških posljedica po mladi mozak još u stanju polusna, slijedi širenje mirisa koji penzići ispuštaju u vrijeme parenja, na šta ćemo se osvrnuti kasnije u tekstu. Vrijeme parenja možete prepoznati po ženkama koje se zagrću u krzna odavno izumrlih životinja koje su u doba socijalizma masovno trijebili i u naše krajeve donosili poljaci, a koje su poznate u znanstvenim krugovima kao albino oštrodlaki glodavci poljski domesticus vulgaris i poliester ruski također vulgaris, a mužjaci se počinju šepuriti prvim primjercima digitalnih vremenokaza marke Casnio i puštaju dlake iz raznih tjelesnih šupljina gdje ih ne bi trebalo biti. Naravno i muški i ženski primjerci ove fascinantne iako veoma poznate vrste ispuštaju ono što znanstvenici nazivaju feromonima, naime narajcani starci ali samo u sredstvima javnog prijevoza, što je već odavna postalo uobičajeno mjesto za obrede zavođenja (još od izuma konjskih tramvaja), ispuštaju specifičan miris koji će iskusni njušni organ stručnjaka neodoljivo podsjetiti na miris naftalina i lavande, koji su se u starozavjetno vrijeme koristili kao prva linija obrane protiv moljaca, uz tračak plijesni i dah smrti…naravno čast izuzecima ima jako finih staraca u sredstvima javnog prijevoza (citat iz umirovljeničke kuharice za kanibale u godinama str. 68,čl.5,st.2). Danas sam primijetio i ugodnu staricu, simpatičnog lica stare bake prošarano mnogobrojnim borama koje su nesumnjivo rezultat ogromne mudrosti spremljene u njenom zaboravnom mozgu, a sve to ukrašeno predivnim obrubom žarke roza (roza- boja popularna u maloljetnih djevojčica i njenih malo starijih pandana koji se trude biti IN ovog mjeseca, kao i u mračnim krugovima gerijatrijske prostitucije) šminke njenim sasušenim ali nedvojbeno za druge fosile putenim i senzualnim usnama. I to divno staro stvorenje tijela zakrivenog dugačkim krznom krepanog sisavca koji se očito linja opet nakon godina u ormaru, okrene svoje maleno lice oblika smežurane šljive marke saratoga i otvori svoje bezube čeljusti pokazujući obližnjim mužjacima svoje vrste jarko crveno nepce i zubno meso, koje pokazuje spremnost na kopulaciju, i onako zdravo i sa guštom počne kašljati, i još jednom, i još jednom pa nastavi pričati sa svojom nekoliko decenija mlađom sugovornicom. Svi koji me poznaju znaju da nisam gadljiv i rijetka je stvar koja mi se gadi, ali pojavila mi se misao u glavi u tom trenutku, BABA stavi ruku na usta jebo te Mojsije s kojim si u školu išla. I kad sam malo gledao oko sebe primijetio sam da nije ova baba jedina, dobar dio staračkog korpusa našeg autobusa ne jebe takve stvari 5%, pa jebem mu mater , onaj drevni grčki filozof Bon-Thonus se rodio barem godinu dana prije njih pa mogli su čuti za njega i njegovo učenje pristojnog izbacivanja svojih tjelesnih izlučevina i aromata u okolicu. Mislim da treba uvesti posebne autobuse za pijacu da bi se naši najstariji na miru mogli odvesti do najsvježijih primjeraka paprike i pilećih pazuha, i pri tome ne smetano općiti sa pripadnicima svoje vrste.
Na kraju: Ovo nije govor mržnje, svi likovi su izmišljeni iako veoma realni iako predstavljaju kompilaciju mnogih sličnih likova koje vidjeh danas na svome epskom putovanju na fakultet.
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Jeste vidjeli objesit će Sadama, a jel se sjećate South Parka?...jadan vrag…
