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Crna Guja, kreten ili genije...procijenite sami.

The Black Adder The Foretelling
Blackadder "Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be here at our gates."
Queen "Oh, Edmund, I'm not ready. I haven't had a bath or anything."
Blackadder "Mother, Henry is our enemy. When his men get here they'll brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle."
Queen "I shan't bother to change, then."

The Archbishop
Blackadder "Tell me, Brother Baldrick, what exactly did God do to the Sodomites?"
Baldrick "I dunno, but I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other."

Queen "The Archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty little boy whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in the font."
King "Well, that was a long time ago."
Queen "It was last Thursday."

Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: I curse you, and hope that something slightly unpleasant happens to you, like an onion falling on your head."
Baldrick "Well, that is the bottom end of the market. They run all the way to this one, for four ducats."
Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: may the Lord hate you and all your kind, may you be turned orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awkward moment."

The Queen of Spain's Beard
King "Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France in sympathy for the death of his son."
Chiswick "The one you had murdered, My Lord...?"
King "Yes, that's the fellow."

Baldrick (on Blackadder's 'love bites') "Actually, I'd be prepared to swear they were dog bites."
Blackadder "They are not dog bites! She was very attractive."
Baldrick "What, shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes...?"

Percy "Well, it's a famous blue stone, and it comes... from Galveston."
Blackadder "I see. And what about it?"
Percy "Well, My Lord, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start."
Blackadder "I see. And have you ever seen this stone?"
Percy "No, not as such, My Lord, but I know a couple of people who have, and they say it's very very blue indeed."
Blackadder "And have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?"
Percy "No, I shouldn't think so, My Lord."
Blackadder "And neither have you, presumably."
Percy "No, My Lord."
Blackadder "So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen."

Translator (for Infanta) "Your nose is smaller than I expected."
Blackadder "I have suffered no similar disappointment."

Blackadder "The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen."
Baldrick "Mm! And who would want to marry the Earl of Doncaster?"
Blackadder "Well, no one wou- Brilliant! Of course! No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster! Except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort. Quick, what are we going to do?"
Baldrick "First I'll get you looking right. We just need something effeminate draped around your shoulders."
Blackadder "Either of the Beaufort twins would do."

Queen "Oh, look at the two lovebirds."
Blackadder "One lovebird, and one love elephant."

Witchsmeller Pursuivant
Blackadder (to Baldrick) "You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings." [the guards return]
Guard #1 "By the way, how's that eagle of yours?"
Guard #2 "Fine. Had a bit of trouble at first, but now I've clipped its wings, no problem."

The Black Seal
Blackadder (to Percy) "You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned I am reliably informed by women around the court wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be."

Blackadder (on Philip of Burgundy) "He murdered his whole family!"
Pete "Who didn't? I certainly killed mine."
Wilfred "And I killed mine."
Friar "And I killed yours."
Sean "Did you?"
Friar "Yes."
Sean "Good on you, father."

Blackadder II Bells
Blackadder "I use the word 'man' in its broadest possible sense. For, as we all know, God made man in his own image, and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick."

Percy "Sorry I'm late."
Blackadder "No, don't bother apologizing. I'm sorry you're alive."
Percy "Oh good, I see the target is ready. I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me."
Blackadder "Well, go to Spain. There are millions of them."

Blackadder "Jane Herrington?"
Percy "Yes."
Blackadder "Jane bury-me-in-a-Y-shaped-coffin Herrington?"
Percy "I... I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons."
Blackadder "No... Tall, blonde, elegant?"
Percy "Right, that's right."
Blackadder "Goes like a privy door when the plague is in town? Come on, get on with your shot. You'll get over her... I did... So did Baldrick actually."

Blackadder "You're really just an old quack, aren't you?"
Dr. Leech "I'd rather be a quack than a ducky."

Blackadder "Tell me young crone, is this Putney?"
Crone "That it be... that it be..."
Blackadder "'Yes it is', not 'that it be'. You don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me, I'm not a tourist."

Crone "Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is... a woman! And second, she is..."
Blackadder "Wise?"
Crone "You do know her then?"
Blackadder "No, just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful."

Blackadder "Thank you young crone. Here is a purse of moneys... which I'm not going to give to you."

Queen "Girls are normally called Elizabeth, or Mary."
Nursie "And Donald."
Queen "Mouth is open, Nursie: should be shut."
Nursie "But it's true, sweet one. I had three sisters, and they were called Donald, Eric and Basil."
Queen "Then why's your name Nursie?"
Nursie "That isn't my real name!"
Queen "Isn't it?"
Nursie "No."
Queen "What is your real name then?"
Nursie "Bernard."
Queen "Mmmm. It suits you."

Blackadder "Excuse me, could you move along please. Look, I'm waiting for my father in law. Last thing I want is some scruffy old beggar blocking the church door, smelling of cabbage."
Father "I am your father in law."
Blackadder "Oh no... alright, how much you want to clear off?"
Kate "Edmund, how could you? He's my father, my only living relative."
Father "Ten pounds should do the trick."

Blackadder "If I have two beans and then I add two more beans, what does that make?"
Baldrick "Umm... a very small casserole?"

Blackadder "Now try again. One, two, three, four, so how many are there?"
Baldrick "Three."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "And that one."

Blackadder (on Percy's ruff) "You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate."
Percy "It's the latest fashion actually and as a matter of fact it makes me look rather s-e-xy!"
Blackadder "To another plate-swallowing bird perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months."

Melchett "Unhappily Blackadder, the Lord High Executioner is dead."
Blackadder "Oh, woe. Murdered of course?"
Melchett "Oddly enough, no. They usually are but this one just got careless one night and signed his name on the wrong dotted line. They came for him while he slept."

Blackadder "A family atmosphere? This is meant to be a plce of pain and misery and sorrow!"
Cook "That's what I mean, sir."
Gaoler "Mistress Ploppy's a bit of a social realist, sir."

Blackadder "And where would I find him on a Tuesday?"
Walter "Well, if I remember his old habits, he's normally up the Old Sea Dog."
Blackadder "Oh, yes. And where is the Old Sea Dog?"
Walter "Well, on Tuesdays, he's normally in bed with the captain."

Blackadder "Better a lap-dog to a slip of a girl than a... git!"

Percy "It's just over a thousand methinks, and has for years been hidden beyond the wit of any thief..." [Blackadder joins in] " an old sock under the squeaky floorboard..." [Baldrick joins in] "...behind the kitchen dresser."
Percy "You've seen it?"
Blackadder "Seen it, pinched it, spent it. And the same goes for the two farthings Balrick thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy potato."
Baldrick "Oh, bloody hell!"

Bishop "You see, I am a colossal pervert. No form of s-e-xual depravity is too low for me. Animal, vegetable or mineral, I'll do anything to anything."
Blackadder "Ah - fine words for a bishop. Nice to hear the church speaking out for a change on social issues."

Bishop "You fiend! Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity. Have you ever considered a career in the church?"

Blackadder "It is said, Percy, that civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God."
Percy (delighted) "Yes, I'd heard that."
Blackadder "Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best."

Baldrick "Lord Melchett is very sick."
Blackadder "Really?"
Baldrick "Yes. He's at death's door."
Blackadder "Well, my faithful old reinstated family retainer, let's go and open it for him then!"

Blackadder (on his fake breasts) "Oh, God - my ear muffs have fallen down!"

Blackadder "Oh, for God's sake. How... can... you... question... me... if... you... don't... speak... English?"
Torturer "No! Yo pregunto las questiones."
Blackadder "All right, let's start with the basics. English is a non-inflected Indo-European language derived from..."

Ludwig "You find yourself amusing, Blackadder."
Blackadder "I try not to fly in the face of public opinion."

Melchett "Perhaps some pleasant word game?"
Blackadder "Yes, all right. Make a sentence out of the following words: face - sodding - your - shut."

Queen "It's just like parties I had when I was tiny. We had tea and cakes and venison and then a trip with a couple of little friends to the executions."
Percy "How sweet."
Queen "If I wanted any of my friends executed, that is."

Blackadder the Third Dish and Dishonesty
Pitt the Younger "I now call upon the leader of the opposition to test me on my Latin vocab."

Blackadder "First name?"
Baldrick "Not sure."
Blackadder "You must have some idea."
Baldrick "Well, it might be Sod Off."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "When I used to play in the gutter I used to say to the other snipes 'Hello, my name's Baldrick', and they used to say 'Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick.'"

Blackadder "As a special reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday." [no pause] "Did you enjoy it? Right."

Blackadder "I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel."

Ink and Incapacity
Blackadder "I believe, sir, that the doctor is trying to tell you that he is happy because he has finished his book. It has apparently taken him ten years."
George "Yes. Well, I'm a slow reader myself."

Blackadder (on Johnson) "I'd bump into cleverer people at a lodge meeting of the Guild of Village Idiots."
Baldrick "That's not what you said when you sent him your navel."
Blackadder "Novel, Baldrick, not navel. I sent him my novel."

Johnson (to George) "Sir! I hope that you are not using this first English dictionary to look up rude words."
Blackadder "Well, I wouldn't be too hopeful - that's what all the other ones will be used for."

Nob and Nobility
Mrs. Miggins "Bonjewer, monsewer. It's French."
Blackadder "So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating in the street. But that's no reason to inflict it on the rest of us."

Blackadder "We hate the French! We fight wars against them! Did all those men die in vain on the field of Agincout? Was the man who burnt Joan of Arc simply wasting good matches?"

George (on Baldrick) "The chances of me scoring if I look and smell like him are zero."
Blackadder "That's true, sir. We shall return presently to bid you farewell."
Baldrick "Mr. B, I've been having second thoughts about this trip to France."
Blackadder "Oh, why?"
Baldrick "Well, as far as I can see, looking and smelling like this, there's not much chance of me scoring either."

Blackadder (on the Scarlet Pimpernel) "He's the most overrated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD 31 Best Disciple Competition."

Blackadder "Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words 'I have a cunning plan' marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?"

Sense and Senility
Blackadder "Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship."
Baldrick "Thank you, Mr. B."
Blackadder "But, as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply 'Sod off, and if I ever meet you again, it will be twenty billion years too soon'." [He leaves.]
Baldrick "Goodbye you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard."

Amy and Amiability
Blackadder "One is born, one runs up bills, one dies. And what have I got to show for it. Nothing! A butler's uniform and a slightly effeminate hairdo."

Baldrick "Don't worry mister B, I have a cunning plan to solve the problem."
Blackadder "Yes Baldrick, let us not forget that you tried to solve the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head."

Blackadder "You've been cutting out the cuttings about the elusive Shadow to put in your highwayman scrap book, haven't you?"
Baldrick "Oh, I can't help it, Mr. B! His life is so dark and shadowy and full of fear and trepidation!"
Blackadder "So's going to the toilet in the middle of the night but you don't keep a scrap book on it."
Baldrick "Yes I do."

Blackadder "Mrs. M, if we were the last three humans on earth, I would be trying to start a family with Baldrick."

Blackadder "Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?"
Baldrick "No, but I've often thought I'd like to."
Blackadder "Well don't, it's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough sinewy men roam the valleys terrorising people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the placenames. Never ask for directions in Wales Baldrick, you'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight."

Blackadder "You mean he's dead?"
Amy "Yes. Dead as that squirrel."
Blackadder "Which squirrel?" [She fires. SQUEAK!] "Oh, that squirrel."

Blackadder "Oh, God, what a way to die. Shot by a transvestite on an unrealistic grassy knoll."

Duel and Duality
Blackadder "And how stands that mighty army, the Clan MacAdder?"
MacAdder "They're both well."
Blackadder "I've always thought Jamie and Angus were such fine boys."
MacAdder "Angus is a girl."

Blackadder "I'm afraid the duel is off."
George "Off!?"
Blackadder "As in sod. I'm not doing it."

Blackadder Goes Forth Plan A: Captain Cook
Baldrick "My father was a nun."
Blackadder "No he wasn't."
Baldrick "He was so, I know because whenever he was in court and the judge used to say 'occupation' he'd say 'nun'."

Blackadder (on his epitaph) "Here lies Edmund Blackadder - and he's bloody annoyed."

Plan B: Corporal Punishment
Perkins "I must say, Captain, I've got to admire your balls."
Blackadder "Perhaps later."

Blackadder (to George and Baldrick) "Henceforth I shall pray nightly to the God who killed Cain and squashed Samson that he comes out of retirement and gets back into pracice with the pair of you." [He answers the phone.] "Blackadder. Ah, Captain Darling... You want two volunteers for a mission into No Man's Land. Codename - Operation Certain Death. Yes, I think I have just the fellows." [Hangs up.] "God is very quick these days."

Plan C: Major Star
Blackadder (on Charlie Chaplin) "I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then finding there's a gas bill tied to it.

Blackadder (to Bob) "You are a girl. And you're a girl with as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get into a polar-bears only club."

Blackadder "A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the Vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside."

Blackadder "Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests their are tribes of Indians as yet untouched by civilisation who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin impressions that yours."

Blackadder (to George) "You were the least convincing female impressionist since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick."

Plan D: Private Plane
Blackadder "For 'magnificent men' read 'biggest show-offs since Lady Godiva entered the enclosure at Ascot claiming she had literally nothing to wear'."

Blackadder "Trust you to skive off to some cushy option."
Darling "There is nothing cushy about life in the Women's Auxiliary Balloon Corps."

Blackadder "The Teutonic reputation for brutality is well founded. Their operas last three or four days and they have no word for 'fluffy'."

Richthoven "Ah, and Lord Flashheart, this is indeed an honour. Finally the two greatest gentlemen flyers in the vorld meet. Two men of honour who have jousted together in the cloud-strewn glory of the skies are face to face at last. How often have I rehearsed this moment of destiny in my dreams. The valour we two encapsulate, the unspoken nobility of our comradeship, the..." [Flashheart shoots him dead.]
Flashheart "What a poof! Let's go!"

Plan E: General Hospital
Blackadder "I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with... 't'."
Baldrick "Breakfast."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "My breakfast always begins with tea, thenI have a little sausage. Then an egg with some little soldiers."
Blackadder "When I say it begins with 't', I meant a letter."
Baldrick "No, it never begins with a letter, the postman don't come until 10.30."

Percy "I'm as British as Queen Victoria!"
Blackadder "You mean your father's German, you're half German and you married a German?"

Mary "Do you have someone special in your life?"
Blackadder "Well, yes I do, as a matter of fact."
Mary "Who?"
Blackadder "Me."
Mary "No, someone you love and cherish and want to keep safe from all the horror and the hurt?"
Blackadder "Still me, really."

Plan F: Goodbyeee
Baldrick (on the war) "I heard it started when some chap called Archie Duke shot an ostich because he was hungry."
Blackadder "I think you mean it started when the Arch-Duke of Austro-Hungary got shot."
Baldrick "No, there was definitely an ostrich involved."

Blackadder "The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterent. That way there could never be a war."
Baldrick "Except, well, this is a sort of war, isn't it?"
Blackadder "That's right, there was one tiny flaw in the plan."
George "Oh, what was that?"
Blackadder "It was bollocks."

Melchett "Do you love your country, soldier?"
Baldrick "Certainly do, sir."
Melchett "And do you love your king?"
Baldrick "Certainly don't, sir."
Melchett "Why not?"
Baldrick "My mum told me never to trust men with beards."

Baldrick (on joining up) "It was great - the first time I've ever really felt popular, everyone was cheering and throwing flowers, a gril actually came up and kissed me."
Blackadder "Poor woman - first casualty of the war."

Blackadder "My God, you've got it, you've got it!" [Kisses Baldrick.]
Baldrick "Well, if I've got it, you've got it too now, sir."

Blackadder "Both sides advanced further during one Christmas piss-up than we've managed in the next two and a half years."
Baldrick "Sir, sir, do you remember the football match sir?"
Blackadder "Remember it, how could I forget it? I was never offside, I could not believe that decision."

Blackadder "I think the phrase rhymes with 'clucking bell'."

Percy "Made a note in my diary on the way here. Says simply 'ber'."

Blackadder's Christmas Carol

Blackadder "Baldrick, you wouldn't recognise a cunning plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Cunning plans are here again'."

The Black Adder

(episodes 1-5)

The sound of hoof beats 'cross the glade,
Good folk, lock up your son and daughter,
Beware the deadly flashing blade,
Unless you want to end up shorter.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he rides a pitch black steed.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he's very bad indeed.
Black: his gloves of finest mole,
Black: his codpiece made of metal,
His horse is blacker than a vole,
His pot is blacker than his kettle.
Black Adder, Black Adder, with many an cunning plan.
Black Adder, Black Adder, you horrid little man.

"The Black Seal" (episode 6)
So now the wage of sin is paid,
The blameless dead, the black steed grazes.
The only sound across the glade
Is Edmund pushing up the daisies.
Black Adder, Black Adder, a shame about the plan.
Black Adder, Black Adder, tha' worked, you horrid man.

Blackadder II

Lord Flashheart tweaked the Adder's beard.

From now he always shall be single.
To fall in love with boys is weird,
Especially boys without a dingle.
Black Adder, Black Adder, his taste is rather odd.
Black Adder, Black Adder, the randy little sod.
Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, I wish you were the star.
Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, you're sexier by far.

His great-grandfather was a king,
Although for only thirty seconds.
When put in charge of beheading,
He felt that fame and glory beckoned.
Black Adder, Black Adder, no such blooming luck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, Elizabethan shmuck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, nothing goes as planned.
Black Adder, Black Adder, life deals him a bum hand.

Sir Francis and Sir Walter had
Discovered new worlds and new nations.
And though Black Adder thought them mad,
He tried his hand at navigation.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he saw the ocean's foam.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he should have stayed at home.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he heard the new world's call.
Black Adder, Black Adder, discovered ber-all.

Take heed the moral of this tale:
Be not a borrower or lender.
And if your finances do fail,
Make sure your banker's not a bender.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he trusted in the church.
Black Adder, Black Adder, it left him in the lurch.
Black Adder, Black Adder, his life was almost done.
Black Adder, Black Adder, who gives a toss? No one.

Black Adder couldn't hold his beer.
The art of boozing he's not mastered.
And I, your merry balladeer,
Am also well and truly plastered.
Black Adder, Black Adder, a bit like Robin Hood.
Black Adder, Black Adder, but nothing like as good.
Black Ad, Black Adder, I thought that he had died.
Black Adder, Black Adder, our writers must have lied.

Beware all ye who lust for fame.
The path of life is most uncertain.
Prince Ludwig thought he'd won the game.
But now the Kraut's gone for a burton.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he beat the Hun by luck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he's smarter than a duck.
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, intelligent and deep.
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, a shame about the sheep.

Blackadder's Christmas Carol
He's kind & gen'rous to the sick,
He'd never spread a nasty rumour.
He never gets on people's wick,
And doesn't laugh at toilet humour.
Blackadder, Blackadder,
He's sickeningly good.
Blackadder, Blackadder,
As nice as Christmas pud.

Blackadder Back & Forth closing song
Let joy fill every Briton's heart,
For now the country's going to make it.
At last a King who looks the part,
At last a Queen who looks good naked.

A monarch with panache,
He's got a nice moustache

Everything he wants he'll get,
The world is now Blackadder's oyster,
Most Prime Ministers are wet,
But Baldrick he is even moister.

A dog who's got his bone,
A bastard on the throne

His beard is neatly curled,
He's going to rule the world

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blog o ničemu,ama baš ničemu ....

Oprostite za ponekad nečitljive i povremene totalno nerazumljive riječi, rečenice i druge natpise. To je rezultat mojeg krajnjeg nemara za pravopis i ustroj rečenice kombinirano sa mojom brzopletošću na tastaturi s kojom se i dan-danas ne znam služiti...bang

unarprijed se ograđujem od svih uvredljivih sadržaja koje ćete možda pročitati ovdje...sav govor mržnje koji možda pročitate ovdje, je čisti nesporazum, čudna pogreška kod copy-paste operacija...mejk lav nat vor ,end mejk mor litl bučrz...

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Šta gledaš????ŠTA gledaš??? GLASAJ!!!! samo vi ovdje kliknite i pratite proceduru...ako je ima uopće
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subota, 28.10.2006.

Profani majmun, propali pecaroš i manjak inspiracije što je sve zajedno rezultiralo ovim

E sada da li je ovo grijeh...očito nije seks, a kontam si da nije ni masturbacija, ne rasipa se sjeme majmunovo, mogla bi biti reciklažarofl
Eto ja ne znma opet šta da pišem pa vam dostavljam novosti sa diskover čenla, ovo je nova vrsta istočno afričkog majmuna pušača koju je Dejvid Etenborou otkrio na posljednjem putovanju po vukojebinama afričke pustopoljine. Otkrio je tog malenog majmuna dok je bezbrižno zadovoljavao svoje najniže strasti na drvetu baobaba.
Još ništa....idemo dalje
Bio sam i ja neki dan u jednoj vukojebini, pecati sam išao, misli zaokupljenih kitovima i seksom skakutao sam po naplavinama, srušenim deblima i mrtvim babuškama koje je dunav nabacao kad odjednom noga mi se poklizne AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....PLJAS!!!!
Nisam upao u vodu ali sam sigurna da bi ovako zvučalo!
Napio sam se blago u četvrtak,nakon mnogih četvrtaka provedenih u privatnosti svoja četiri zida maštajući o onoj savršenoj boci bambusa (nema svrhe razmišljati o čašama)...dok smo sjedili u Amsterdamu (usputna postaja na putu prema parku i jeftinom vinu op.ur.) pustili na dalekovidnici spot od nekih ženskinja, ljepuškaste bijahu i zgodne. kaže german da su se nekoć bavile plemenitim poslom striptiziranja (gledaš a ne diraš) i Pussycat dolls im ime. Da dođu ovdje morali bi im prevesti ime na "Pička-mačka lutkice"
e da upecao sam najmanju štuku koju je čovjećanstvo ikada vidjelo, sve to dok sam fato kedere za kasnije pecaroške eskapade.
Više mi mater ni ne govori šta se dešava u big bratu, a bojim se počet gledat da se ne bi navukao,a vidim i na novoj imajuneki rijeliti šou, o nekoj savršenoj ženi...ta mora da je gluhonijema nimfomanka koja posjeduje tvornicu alkoholnih pića i sere novčanice od sto eura. Vidio sam i neku sirovinu koja se natječe u tome, dobro možda i nije sirovina ali mi ipak djeluje malo krvavo.
...Žao mi je zbog proporcionalno pogoršavajučeg pravopisa, kao što sma možda spomenuo nikako da se napokon složim sa tipkovnicom, bježe mi prsti, bit će da me sustižu vikendi u parku. čudesno šta jeftina imitacija vina i još jeftinija imitacija cole može učiniti centralnom živčanom sustavu.
Palo mi je napamet čak i da odem u crkvu i da ispovijedim svoje grijehe i ogolim dušu pred licem svevišnjega boga, ali sam onda pomislio na moguće posljedice, morao bi pretrpjeti onaj trenutak straha kada ulaziš kroz crkvene dveri i obuzme te strah da će ti se nešto srušiti na glavu, da će te pogoditi grom ili da će ispred tebe stajati simpatična starica koja je u svojoj senilnosti zaboravila na čari sapuna, onda moram i trpjeti poglede starih baba kad fulam sve riječi koje treba reći kad onaj tamo na povišenom kaže svoje, a kad napokon dođe trenutak same ispovijedi uvijek postoji opasnost da ću nabrajajuči sve svoje prijestupe ostati vječno zarobljen u raljama ispovjedaonice, a tu su i ove priče o gay svećenicima. Nikiada se ne zna šta ti može završiti u ustima na pričesti, a i ako sve prođe dobro ne želim provesti sljedećih nekoliko dana u neprestanoj molitvi da bi iskupio svoje grijehe.
Sada opet razmišljam o hedonizmu, kojem bi se mogao prepustiti večeras ako sastružem kakvu novčanu pripomoć vikend alkoholičaru od svojih velikodušnih ukućana.
Castro će umrijeti, to svi već znate, Glavaš je odlučio da bi mogao skinuti koju kilu pa je krenuo na štrajk glađu, Bush planiran napasti novu zemlju trećeg svijeta, a papa nazi šesnaesti svojeg imena (zaboravio sam koje je zaliven) je sklopio novi tisućljetni ugovor s Coca-Colom, a moji izvori mi sa popriličnom sigurnošću tvrde da je sljedećona redu Badel 1862, zato molite se da su hindusi u pravu pa da ćemo se svi reinkarnirati kao pobožni ljudi pa ćemo prisustvovati i takvoj misi.naughty
Okupili se Leb i Sol , ajd fala kurcu bilo im je i vrijeme, možda opet spoznamo šta je dobra svirka na ovim prostorima.

Dosta za danas, žao mi je i duboko se ispričavam svima koje sam razočarao ovim mlakim i nezanimljivim postom ali morao sma nešto napisati, aj uživajte i ne griješite bludnoyesmahwave

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četvrtak, 19.10.2006.

Bol u srednjem uhu popračen žaljenjem za minulim danima piva koji su mi pružili nebrojeni trenutak užitka i priliku da napravim dugačak naslov uz još malo stvari koje se neće desiti u BB-u i mudri indijanci Čipava

Držim glavu nagnutu na desnu stranu dok se gusta ljepljiva tekućina slijeva niz moje uho na sigurnom putu prema mojem bubnjiću…NE nije mi nitko svršio u uho već pokušavam provizornim metodama riješiti neku upalu uha koju sam pokupio dok sam ronio na dah sa pokojnim Jacquesom (Žak) Cousteoum (Kusto)…zvuči ko vanbračno dijete Žaka Hudeka i Emira Kusturice, pa sam si nasipao nekih žutih kapi koje sam našao u uho.
Nisam dugo bio u nekoj vukojebini…nisam na žalost imao ni prilike, a baš mi se druži sa nekom divljači osim onom s kojom pijem u parku. Treba mi novi post o čudnovatim zgodama i nezgodama Johna Uhida i njegove nesretne pozadine…ništa ostalo nema smisla.
Prošlo ono pivsko u šatoru događanje…jebiga, nema više žutih potoka, idilične slike 20-orice odraslih muškaraca kako zalijevaju jedan jedini zid u tvrđi (sada se na tom mjestu nalazi komemorativni spomen rov, u spomen svim jetrama palim na osječkim danima piva) predivna slika koju mislim da sretni stanari neće nikada zaboraviti, pogotovo ne sljedećih tjedana dok im djeca budu dolazila u kuću unakažena jedinstvenim krastama kao posljedicama igre u spomen rovu.
Veliki buraz i dalje traje…ništa od seksa…nismo mi te sreće, a zamislite samo kako bi to divno izgledalo. Slika deke kako se miče u ludim ritmovima pokreta karlicom, u pozadini svira Bloodhound Gang i govori im neka to rade kao na diskoveri čenlu (to vam je program slično kako onaj Balkan media ali ovaj pušta disko glazbu Zapadne Afrike i Istočnog Timura) i dok se deka polako puni mješavinom znoja i ostalih tjelesnih sekreta, cijela nacija zapanjeno bulji. Ručak gori na štednjaku, beba plače u kolicima, pepeo pada sa cigare zaspalog umirovljenika i polako mu pali hlače (o toj nadasve zanimljivoj zgodi u novom broju Kozmopiltana, najkozmopolitanskijeg partijskog glasnika istočno od Vardara) zagrijani par prekida svoju uspaljenu igru i sa pogledom nevjerice i interesa gleda na ekran dalekovidnice…napokon se desilo najfascinantniji seksualni čin još od izleta na hercegovačku jahtu naše nacionalne pjevačice i lizanja gentalnih privjesaka zvijezde sapunice koja to nije napravila. Seks dvoje hrvata na tv-u još jednom, autori Kozjaka krše ruke u jadu i odlaze pod zatvorski tuš na jednu na brzaka, više se neće prodavati njihov amaterski uradak, a jadne djevojčure neće imati novih prilika za odlazak u Milano još godinama.Ispod deke se čuju uzdasi…Ah Hose Andreas te kjero mučo mi amore tu so grande…puf-pant…Šime hladno mi je…još jedan šveps biter lemon Kristofere…blu je plavo…deka se miče…puls nacije zastaje na jedan trenutak, negdje se čuje muha kako vam u ćošku...umirovljenik sa cigaretom se već davno zapalio ali vatrogasci nisu došli jer gledaju dalekovidnicu na kojoj se seksa dvoje mladih ljudi koje su upoznali i zavoljeli u zadnje vrijeme…deka je vlažan i teška od tjelesnih sokova kliznula na pod kad je ispod nje izvirio….Ma neće se to desiti, barem ne još kojih 10-ak godina, ne kod nas na tv-u, do tada živjeli piratski pornići…umjetnički filmovi za ozbiljniju klijentelu koja cijeni dobar dijalog, vrhunski zaplet koji pod mus završava sa:“Hans špricenzi majne sise mit der spermatozoidi, kisen majn gumi šuzen…ah Hans du bista zo gut!“
Nije ni njima lako…jebavaju se za život, sida iza svakog ugla ili ne dao bog herpes, ali barem će ići u raj.
E da i zante kako su uvijek u američanskim filmovima indijanci (to su oni sa perjem što jedu bizone i bore se protiv bledoliki kose boje slame i lica dlakavog poput kera) uvije neki mudri osim kad ih Đon Vejn ubija zato što su indijanci i što je jedini dobar indijanac mrtav indijanac…e pa gledao sam jedna por…edukativni film sa dvoje pripadnice sjeverno američke domorodačke nacije koje su unatoč svome izuzetno dobrom izgledu i predanosti snimanju dokumentaraca o obredima parenja i spolnim običajima običnog red necka vulgarisa, koje su mi uspjele uništiti onaj dječački san o mudrim indijancima…sad imam sasvim drugačiji dječački san.
O vidi ja opet nasro post…pa onda do sljedećeg puta pozdravljam vas

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subota, 14.10.2006.

Problem moralnog srozavanja i javne drkice u hrvatskom narodu i šta sve o tome misli iskusni griješnik

Dame i gospodo, djevojčice i dječaci (i Perkulesu), paraziti i priređivači, sjeme Onanovo. Žao mi je ali ja opet pišem, znam da je bilo lijepo i ugodno ovih dana bez mojih pretjerivanja, ali sad je već 12:53, još me boli glava i imao sam obilnu viskoznu stolicu što nam sve zajedno govori da su i dalje dani piva i da je sinoć bilo dobro.
Nema se zapravo nešto previše pričati, vratih s ja starim svojim porocima…pivo, sranje i rušenje religijskih dogmi.
Niplz (zaboravio sam kako se piše pa ja to onak po Vuku)
Naletih ja sinoć na jednom forumu na neku raspravu kako Big Brother ugrožava i srozava moral u Hrvata…he, istih onih hrvata kojima je nacionalni sport opijanje, nakon kojeg slijedi vanbračni seks i još opijanja, nacija koja se ponosi svojim oširokim vokabularom profanih riječi (psovke, lajanje, pičkaranje, tepanje u krevetu…) osjeća da joj moralnu srž ugrožava nekoliko diklića koji se zajebavaju na dalekovidnici, pa jebem mu mater koliko sam ja skonto iz onih par puta kad sam naletio na malu sestr…velikog brata, pa ovi su i religiozni i bogobojazni, pa šta ako se malo pofataju pod dekicom, bace koju drkicu…sad sam se sjetio nekidan sam čitao u Glasu Slavonije (znate one novine što kupuju babe i dede iz navike, a ne zato što ima nešto zanimljivo za pročitati u njima) pisao je o tom fenomenu, prvog javnog drkanja u nas hrvata katolika, jedan čiko, propali svećenik, a mislim da se odaziva na Šola. E uglavnom njegov komentar je na to bio „Šteta mladićeve sperme“, kao on nije šamarao svog biskupa kad je bio na teološkom fakultetu…sigurno je bio ljubomoran što je onog nesmotrenog, mladića što pogano prosipa svoje sjeme po plahti, olakšala nježna ženska ruka, nismo svi te sreće.

Hm rame mi je crveno ko pasja kesa, bit će da sam alergičan na Deep Heat…jebiga, valjda neću crknut.

Vjerojatno je problem kod javnog drkanja osim izazivanja osjećaja zavisti, i to što potiče raju poglavito ovaj mlađi dio naše velike nacije, da se bavi masturbacijom kao hobijem slobodno vrijeme umjesto da na primjer sastavlja makete aviona (to sam ja radio pa mi opet nije pomoglo da se odvojim od petoprstke), a osim toga što uzima dragocjeno vrijeme naše populacije moglo bi ozbiljno ugroziti i produkciju djece u hrvata. VUKOJEBINA (ne ovo nema veze sa tekstom…većina ovog svega nema veze s ničime J)
Jer opće je poznata činjenica da dnevno čovjek (i ostali životni oblici koji se predstavljaju kao takvi) može proizvesti samo određenu količinu spermatozoida (za neupućene: to vam je kao punoglavac samo manje (hvala bogu)) i to samo po sebi prijeti opstanku hrvatskog naroda, jer mladi će svu onu dobru spermu pobacat u kanalizacijske odvode, ostaviti da se suši na nekom zidu u mračnom prolazu ili će je skupljat u kante od Jupola za kasniju distribuciju u trgovinama zdrave hrane, osim toga jedno svršavanje potroši trećinu dnevne potrebe za cinkom što slabi ukupne performanse mladih udarnika. I kad se sve uzme u obzir i kad zbrojimo sve punoglavce uzalud potrošene u kojekakovim gumenjacima, sve one koji su završili kao predjelo, koji su ispljunuti, bačeni u zaborav tamne kanalizacije, namazani na kruh i pobijeni čekićem, izumrijet ćemo kad-tad zbog manjka normalnih sprematozoida, ostat će nam samo oni sa dva repa, bez repa, koji plivaju uzvodno…
E da imam i jedno pitanje za opću populaciju posjetitelja: Kako spermići znaju kojim putem treba plivati, a da ne završe u nekoj vukojebini?Kako na mogu naći put na primjer od krajnika do jajovoda ili od anusnog vjenčića do maternice?

I na kraju ćemo morati uvoziti jeftinu tajlandsku spermu da bi spasili posljednje ostatke nekoć moćne civilizacije balkanskih drkađija.
I za kraj ja bi vam ipak preporučio utjehu ruke kao spas od napuklih testisa i kao sredstvo za koncentraciju i smanjivanje napetosti, jest doduše da nije kao predbračni seks ali bar nećete gorjeti u paklu zbog prcanja…ili hoćete

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srijeda, 04.10.2006.

Mene majka za ribara daje....

Još samo malo da si raščistim neke stvari glavi i kad mi ideje prestnu bježat svaki put kad dođem do tipkovnice pa ću nešto i napisati.....

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