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Crna Guja, kreten ili genije...procijenite sami.

The Black Adder The Foretelling
Blackadder "Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be here at our gates."
Queen "Oh, Edmund, I'm not ready. I haven't had a bath or anything."
Blackadder "Mother, Henry is our enemy. When his men get here they'll brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle."
Queen "I shan't bother to change, then."

The Archbishop
Blackadder "Tell me, Brother Baldrick, what exactly did God do to the Sodomites?"
Baldrick "I dunno, but I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other."

Queen "The Archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty little boy whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in the font."
King "Well, that was a long time ago."
Queen "It was last Thursday."

Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: I curse you, and hope that something slightly unpleasant happens to you, like an onion falling on your head."
Baldrick "Well, that is the bottom end of the market. They run all the way to this one, for four ducats."
Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: may the Lord hate you and all your kind, may you be turned orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awkward moment."

The Queen of Spain's Beard
King "Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France in sympathy for the death of his son."
Chiswick "The one you had murdered, My Lord...?"
King "Yes, that's the fellow."

Baldrick (on Blackadder's 'love bites') "Actually, I'd be prepared to swear they were dog bites."
Blackadder "They are not dog bites! She was very attractive."
Baldrick "What, shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes...?"

Percy "Well, it's a famous blue stone, and it comes... from Galveston."
Blackadder "I see. And what about it?"
Percy "Well, My Lord, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start."
Blackadder "I see. And have you ever seen this stone?"
Percy "No, not as such, My Lord, but I know a couple of people who have, and they say it's very very blue indeed."
Blackadder "And have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?"
Percy "No, I shouldn't think so, My Lord."
Blackadder "And neither have you, presumably."
Percy "No, My Lord."
Blackadder "So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen."

Translator (for Infanta) "Your nose is smaller than I expected."
Blackadder "I have suffered no similar disappointment."

Blackadder "The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen."
Baldrick "Mm! And who would want to marry the Earl of Doncaster?"
Blackadder "Well, no one wou- Brilliant! Of course! No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster! Except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort. Quick, what are we going to do?"
Baldrick "First I'll get you looking right. We just need something effeminate draped around your shoulders."
Blackadder "Either of the Beaufort twins would do."

Queen "Oh, look at the two lovebirds."
Blackadder "One lovebird, and one love elephant."

Witchsmeller Pursuivant
Blackadder (to Baldrick) "You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings." [the guards return]
Guard #1 "By the way, how's that eagle of yours?"
Guard #2 "Fine. Had a bit of trouble at first, but now I've clipped its wings, no problem."

The Black Seal
Blackadder (to Percy) "You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned I am reliably informed by women around the court wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be."

Blackadder (on Philip of Burgundy) "He murdered his whole family!"
Pete "Who didn't? I certainly killed mine."
Wilfred "And I killed mine."
Friar "And I killed yours."
Sean "Did you?"
Friar "Yes."
Sean "Good on you, father."

Blackadder II Bells
Blackadder "I use the word 'man' in its broadest possible sense. For, as we all know, God made man in his own image, and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick."

Percy "Sorry I'm late."
Blackadder "No, don't bother apologizing. I'm sorry you're alive."
Percy "Oh good, I see the target is ready. I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me."
Blackadder "Well, go to Spain. There are millions of them."

Blackadder "Jane Herrington?"
Percy "Yes."
Blackadder "Jane bury-me-in-a-Y-shaped-coffin Herrington?"
Percy "I... I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons."
Blackadder "No... Tall, blonde, elegant?"
Percy "Right, that's right."
Blackadder "Goes like a privy door when the plague is in town? Come on, get on with your shot. You'll get over her... I did... So did Baldrick actually."

Blackadder "You're really just an old quack, aren't you?"
Dr. Leech "I'd rather be a quack than a ducky."

Blackadder "Tell me young crone, is this Putney?"
Crone "That it be... that it be..."
Blackadder "'Yes it is', not 'that it be'. You don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me, I'm not a tourist."

Crone "Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is... a woman! And second, she is..."
Blackadder "Wise?"
Crone "You do know her then?"
Blackadder "No, just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful."

Blackadder "Thank you young crone. Here is a purse of moneys... which I'm not going to give to you."

Queen "Girls are normally called Elizabeth, or Mary."
Nursie "And Donald."
Queen "Mouth is open, Nursie: should be shut."
Nursie "But it's true, sweet one. I had three sisters, and they were called Donald, Eric and Basil."
Queen "Then why's your name Nursie?"
Nursie "That isn't my real name!"
Queen "Isn't it?"
Nursie "No."
Queen "What is your real name then?"
Nursie "Bernard."
Queen "Mmmm. It suits you."

Blackadder "Excuse me, could you move along please. Look, I'm waiting for my father in law. Last thing I want is some scruffy old beggar blocking the church door, smelling of cabbage."
Father "I am your father in law."
Blackadder "Oh no... alright, how much you want to clear off?"
Kate "Edmund, how could you? He's my father, my only living relative."
Father "Ten pounds should do the trick."

Blackadder "If I have two beans and then I add two more beans, what does that make?"
Baldrick "Umm... a very small casserole?"

Blackadder "Now try again. One, two, three, four, so how many are there?"
Baldrick "Three."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "And that one."

Blackadder (on Percy's ruff) "You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate."
Percy "It's the latest fashion actually and as a matter of fact it makes me look rather s-e-xy!"
Blackadder "To another plate-swallowing bird perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months."

Melchett "Unhappily Blackadder, the Lord High Executioner is dead."
Blackadder "Oh, woe. Murdered of course?"
Melchett "Oddly enough, no. They usually are but this one just got careless one night and signed his name on the wrong dotted line. They came for him while he slept."

Blackadder "A family atmosphere? This is meant to be a plce of pain and misery and sorrow!"
Cook "That's what I mean, sir."
Gaoler "Mistress Ploppy's a bit of a social realist, sir."

Blackadder "And where would I find him on a Tuesday?"
Walter "Well, if I remember his old habits, he's normally up the Old Sea Dog."
Blackadder "Oh, yes. And where is the Old Sea Dog?"
Walter "Well, on Tuesdays, he's normally in bed with the captain."

Blackadder "Better a lap-dog to a slip of a girl than a... git!"

Percy "It's just over a thousand methinks, and has for years been hidden beyond the wit of any thief..." [Blackadder joins in] " an old sock under the squeaky floorboard..." [Baldrick joins in] "...behind the kitchen dresser."
Percy "You've seen it?"
Blackadder "Seen it, pinched it, spent it. And the same goes for the two farthings Balrick thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy potato."
Baldrick "Oh, bloody hell!"

Bishop "You see, I am a colossal pervert. No form of s-e-xual depravity is too low for me. Animal, vegetable or mineral, I'll do anything to anything."
Blackadder "Ah - fine words for a bishop. Nice to hear the church speaking out for a change on social issues."

Bishop "You fiend! Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity. Have you ever considered a career in the church?"

Blackadder "It is said, Percy, that civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God."
Percy (delighted) "Yes, I'd heard that."
Blackadder "Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best."

Baldrick "Lord Melchett is very sick."
Blackadder "Really?"
Baldrick "Yes. He's at death's door."
Blackadder "Well, my faithful old reinstated family retainer, let's go and open it for him then!"

Blackadder (on his fake breasts) "Oh, God - my ear muffs have fallen down!"

Blackadder "Oh, for God's sake. How... can... you... question... me... if... you... don't... speak... English?"
Torturer "No! Yo pregunto las questiones."
Blackadder "All right, let's start with the basics. English is a non-inflected Indo-European language derived from..."

Ludwig "You find yourself amusing, Blackadder."
Blackadder "I try not to fly in the face of public opinion."

Melchett "Perhaps some pleasant word game?"
Blackadder "Yes, all right. Make a sentence out of the following words: face - sodding - your - shut."

Queen "It's just like parties I had when I was tiny. We had tea and cakes and venison and then a trip with a couple of little friends to the executions."
Percy "How sweet."
Queen "If I wanted any of my friends executed, that is."

Blackadder the Third Dish and Dishonesty
Pitt the Younger "I now call upon the leader of the opposition to test me on my Latin vocab."

Blackadder "First name?"
Baldrick "Not sure."
Blackadder "You must have some idea."
Baldrick "Well, it might be Sod Off."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "When I used to play in the gutter I used to say to the other snipes 'Hello, my name's Baldrick', and they used to say 'Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick.'"

Blackadder "As a special reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday." [no pause] "Did you enjoy it? Right."

Blackadder "I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel."

Ink and Incapacity
Blackadder "I believe, sir, that the doctor is trying to tell you that he is happy because he has finished his book. It has apparently taken him ten years."
George "Yes. Well, I'm a slow reader myself."

Blackadder (on Johnson) "I'd bump into cleverer people at a lodge meeting of the Guild of Village Idiots."
Baldrick "That's not what you said when you sent him your navel."
Blackadder "Novel, Baldrick, not navel. I sent him my novel."

Johnson (to George) "Sir! I hope that you are not using this first English dictionary to look up rude words."
Blackadder "Well, I wouldn't be too hopeful - that's what all the other ones will be used for."

Nob and Nobility
Mrs. Miggins "Bonjewer, monsewer. It's French."
Blackadder "So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating in the street. But that's no reason to inflict it on the rest of us."

Blackadder "We hate the French! We fight wars against them! Did all those men die in vain on the field of Agincout? Was the man who burnt Joan of Arc simply wasting good matches?"

George (on Baldrick) "The chances of me scoring if I look and smell like him are zero."
Blackadder "That's true, sir. We shall return presently to bid you farewell."
Baldrick "Mr. B, I've been having second thoughts about this trip to France."
Blackadder "Oh, why?"
Baldrick "Well, as far as I can see, looking and smelling like this, there's not much chance of me scoring either."

Blackadder (on the Scarlet Pimpernel) "He's the most overrated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD 31 Best Disciple Competition."

Blackadder "Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words 'I have a cunning plan' marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?"

Sense and Senility
Blackadder "Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship."
Baldrick "Thank you, Mr. B."
Blackadder "But, as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply 'Sod off, and if I ever meet you again, it will be twenty billion years too soon'." [He leaves.]
Baldrick "Goodbye you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard."

Amy and Amiability
Blackadder "One is born, one runs up bills, one dies. And what have I got to show for it. Nothing! A butler's uniform and a slightly effeminate hairdo."

Baldrick "Don't worry mister B, I have a cunning plan to solve the problem."
Blackadder "Yes Baldrick, let us not forget that you tried to solve the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head."

Blackadder "You've been cutting out the cuttings about the elusive Shadow to put in your highwayman scrap book, haven't you?"
Baldrick "Oh, I can't help it, Mr. B! His life is so dark and shadowy and full of fear and trepidation!"
Blackadder "So's going to the toilet in the middle of the night but you don't keep a scrap book on it."
Baldrick "Yes I do."

Blackadder "Mrs. M, if we were the last three humans on earth, I would be trying to start a family with Baldrick."

Blackadder "Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?"
Baldrick "No, but I've often thought I'd like to."
Blackadder "Well don't, it's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough sinewy men roam the valleys terrorising people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the placenames. Never ask for directions in Wales Baldrick, you'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight."

Blackadder "You mean he's dead?"
Amy "Yes. Dead as that squirrel."
Blackadder "Which squirrel?" [She fires. SQUEAK!] "Oh, that squirrel."

Blackadder "Oh, God, what a way to die. Shot by a transvestite on an unrealistic grassy knoll."

Duel and Duality
Blackadder "And how stands that mighty army, the Clan MacAdder?"
MacAdder "They're both well."
Blackadder "I've always thought Jamie and Angus were such fine boys."
MacAdder "Angus is a girl."

Blackadder "I'm afraid the duel is off."
George "Off!?"
Blackadder "As in sod. I'm not doing it."

Blackadder Goes Forth Plan A: Captain Cook
Baldrick "My father was a nun."
Blackadder "No he wasn't."
Baldrick "He was so, I know because whenever he was in court and the judge used to say 'occupation' he'd say 'nun'."

Blackadder (on his epitaph) "Here lies Edmund Blackadder - and he's bloody annoyed."

Plan B: Corporal Punishment
Perkins "I must say, Captain, I've got to admire your balls."
Blackadder "Perhaps later."

Blackadder (to George and Baldrick) "Henceforth I shall pray nightly to the God who killed Cain and squashed Samson that he comes out of retirement and gets back into pracice with the pair of you." [He answers the phone.] "Blackadder. Ah, Captain Darling... You want two volunteers for a mission into No Man's Land. Codename - Operation Certain Death. Yes, I think I have just the fellows." [Hangs up.] "God is very quick these days."

Plan C: Major Star
Blackadder (on Charlie Chaplin) "I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then finding there's a gas bill tied to it.

Blackadder (to Bob) "You are a girl. And you're a girl with as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get into a polar-bears only club."

Blackadder "A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the Vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside."

Blackadder "Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests their are tribes of Indians as yet untouched by civilisation who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin impressions that yours."

Blackadder (to George) "You were the least convincing female impressionist since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick."

Plan D: Private Plane
Blackadder "For 'magnificent men' read 'biggest show-offs since Lady Godiva entered the enclosure at Ascot claiming she had literally nothing to wear'."

Blackadder "Trust you to skive off to some cushy option."
Darling "There is nothing cushy about life in the Women's Auxiliary Balloon Corps."

Blackadder "The Teutonic reputation for brutality is well founded. Their operas last three or four days and they have no word for 'fluffy'."

Richthoven "Ah, and Lord Flashheart, this is indeed an honour. Finally the two greatest gentlemen flyers in the vorld meet. Two men of honour who have jousted together in the cloud-strewn glory of the skies are face to face at last. How often have I rehearsed this moment of destiny in my dreams. The valour we two encapsulate, the unspoken nobility of our comradeship, the..." [Flashheart shoots him dead.]
Flashheart "What a poof! Let's go!"

Plan E: General Hospital
Blackadder "I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with... 't'."
Baldrick "Breakfast."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "My breakfast always begins with tea, thenI have a little sausage. Then an egg with some little soldiers."
Blackadder "When I say it begins with 't', I meant a letter."
Baldrick "No, it never begins with a letter, the postman don't come until 10.30."

Percy "I'm as British as Queen Victoria!"
Blackadder "You mean your father's German, you're half German and you married a German?"

Mary "Do you have someone special in your life?"
Blackadder "Well, yes I do, as a matter of fact."
Mary "Who?"
Blackadder "Me."
Mary "No, someone you love and cherish and want to keep safe from all the horror and the hurt?"
Blackadder "Still me, really."

Plan F: Goodbyeee
Baldrick (on the war) "I heard it started when some chap called Archie Duke shot an ostich because he was hungry."
Blackadder "I think you mean it started when the Arch-Duke of Austro-Hungary got shot."
Baldrick "No, there was definitely an ostrich involved."

Blackadder "The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterent. That way there could never be a war."
Baldrick "Except, well, this is a sort of war, isn't it?"
Blackadder "That's right, there was one tiny flaw in the plan."
George "Oh, what was that?"
Blackadder "It was bollocks."

Melchett "Do you love your country, soldier?"
Baldrick "Certainly do, sir."
Melchett "And do you love your king?"
Baldrick "Certainly don't, sir."
Melchett "Why not?"
Baldrick "My mum told me never to trust men with beards."

Baldrick (on joining up) "It was great - the first time I've ever really felt popular, everyone was cheering and throwing flowers, a gril actually came up and kissed me."
Blackadder "Poor woman - first casualty of the war."

Blackadder "My God, you've got it, you've got it!" [Kisses Baldrick.]
Baldrick "Well, if I've got it, you've got it too now, sir."

Blackadder "Both sides advanced further during one Christmas piss-up than we've managed in the next two and a half years."
Baldrick "Sir, sir, do you remember the football match sir?"
Blackadder "Remember it, how could I forget it? I was never offside, I could not believe that decision."

Blackadder "I think the phrase rhymes with 'clucking bell'."

Percy "Made a note in my diary on the way here. Says simply 'ber'."

Blackadder's Christmas Carol

Blackadder "Baldrick, you wouldn't recognise a cunning plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Cunning plans are here again'."

The Black Adder

(episodes 1-5)

The sound of hoof beats 'cross the glade,
Good folk, lock up your son and daughter,
Beware the deadly flashing blade,
Unless you want to end up shorter.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he rides a pitch black steed.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he's very bad indeed.
Black: his gloves of finest mole,
Black: his codpiece made of metal,
His horse is blacker than a vole,
His pot is blacker than his kettle.
Black Adder, Black Adder, with many an cunning plan.
Black Adder, Black Adder, you horrid little man.

"The Black Seal" (episode 6)
So now the wage of sin is paid,
The blameless dead, the black steed grazes.
The only sound across the glade
Is Edmund pushing up the daisies.
Black Adder, Black Adder, a shame about the plan.
Black Adder, Black Adder, tha' worked, you horrid man.

Blackadder II

Lord Flashheart tweaked the Adder's beard.

From now he always shall be single.
To fall in love with boys is weird,
Especially boys without a dingle.
Black Adder, Black Adder, his taste is rather odd.
Black Adder, Black Adder, the randy little sod.
Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, I wish you were the star.
Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, you're sexier by far.

His great-grandfather was a king,
Although for only thirty seconds.
When put in charge of beheading,
He felt that fame and glory beckoned.
Black Adder, Black Adder, no such blooming luck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, Elizabethan shmuck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, nothing goes as planned.
Black Adder, Black Adder, life deals him a bum hand.

Sir Francis and Sir Walter had
Discovered new worlds and new nations.
And though Black Adder thought them mad,
He tried his hand at navigation.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he saw the ocean's foam.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he should have stayed at home.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he heard the new world's call.
Black Adder, Black Adder, discovered ber-all.

Take heed the moral of this tale:
Be not a borrower or lender.
And if your finances do fail,
Make sure your banker's not a bender.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he trusted in the church.
Black Adder, Black Adder, it left him in the lurch.
Black Adder, Black Adder, his life was almost done.
Black Adder, Black Adder, who gives a toss? No one.

Black Adder couldn't hold his beer.
The art of boozing he's not mastered.
And I, your merry balladeer,
Am also well and truly plastered.
Black Adder, Black Adder, a bit like Robin Hood.
Black Adder, Black Adder, but nothing like as good.
Black Ad, Black Adder, I thought that he had died.
Black Adder, Black Adder, our writers must have lied.

Beware all ye who lust for fame.
The path of life is most uncertain.
Prince Ludwig thought he'd won the game.
But now the Kraut's gone for a burton.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he beat the Hun by luck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he's smarter than a duck.
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, intelligent and deep.
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, a shame about the sheep.

Blackadder's Christmas Carol
He's kind & gen'rous to the sick,
He'd never spread a nasty rumour.
He never gets on people's wick,
And doesn't laugh at toilet humour.
Blackadder, Blackadder,
He's sickeningly good.
Blackadder, Blackadder,
As nice as Christmas pud.

Blackadder Back & Forth closing song
Let joy fill every Briton's heart,
For now the country's going to make it.
At last a King who looks the part,
At last a Queen who looks good naked.

A monarch with panache,
He's got a nice moustache

Everything he wants he'll get,
The world is now Blackadder's oyster,
Most Prime Ministers are wet,
But Baldrick he is even moister.

A dog who's got his bone,
A bastard on the throne

His beard is neatly curled,
He's going to rule the world

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četvrtak, 27.07.2006.

Isus u limenki graha

Prije svega, pozdrav svima vrijednima i nevrijednima,dami,gospodi i neodređenima...
Gledao sam sinoć neku seriju na tv-u i u seriji je bila opća pomama u gradu zato što se na jednom plakatu pojavljivalo "lice božje", doduše kasnije se ispostavilo da je to bio Val Kilmerwink,ali opet liljepo pokazali kako su ljudi naivne ovce koje samo čekaju da ih netko zakolje (što ne mora biti doslovno).
I sjetio sam se kad je kod nas blizuz na jednom prozoru iznenada svanula "majka božja", božjom intervencijom i čudom svjetskih razmjera svaki puta kada je prolazio auto vidjelo se lice na prozoru,samo što nitko polsije nije spominjao da se vlaga uvukla između stkala i da se to nikada nije ponivilo nakon što su zamijenili stakla,ali jebiga ipak je to sveto mjesto ne bi bilo u redu da se ljudima rasprše nadenono
Isto kao i one pizdarije sa kipovima koji plaču krv i pišaju suze...neki kinez je shavtio da je jeftinije zalijepiti oči sa nekim crvenim ljepilom koje se topi kad je vruće i ujebo pola latino amerikethumbup,i što je onak jebeno fascinantno uvijek se pojavi bog,njegov sin ili otac ili pak njihov transcendentni prijatelj duh sveti ruku pod ruku sa jednom jedinom majkom božjom perpetualnom djevicom, u nekim tradicionalno jebeno pobožnim zemljama...kod nas na primjer ili u Italiji,Mexicu....Naravno zašto bi se bog potrudio steći nove vjernike ili se pojavio u nekoj urbanoj sredini, on baš voli doći u neku VUKOJEBINU (....kako volim tu riječ) i ukazati se siromašnom pastiru baš u predahu između sviranja gusle i jebanja Rumenke (Rumenka-popularni naziv za stoku kruopnog i sitnog zuba na području bivše Jugoslavije. izvor:Enciclopedya Britannica)
tamo negdje u planinama,i nekoliko godina poslije vid vraga na djelu od svetišta stvori turističku zonu,doduše u toj turističkoj zoni česi ne ginu ko muhe ali zato oribaju koljena dok se popnu do oltara.Svaka pojava,fenomen,mrlja na hlačama od kave,ulja,tjelesnih tekućina ako samo izdaleka sliči na facu,žemskinju,križ,raja guta kao znak božji..kontam si da će još malo pošto je oni Da vincijev kod tako popularan postao svi viđati onu drugu Mariju,miljenicu rimskih legija, Magdalenu....ja ću i dalje u mrljama piva vidjeti mrlje piva i žicati za bocu vina...možda se i meni jednog dana ukaže svemogući vlasnik pivovare i udijeli mi svoj blagoslov doživotne opskrbe pivom,možda osnujem novu sektu gdje će mi se muškarci pokoravati a žene podavati a sve to sa bocom piva u ruci i bit ću na vijeke vijekova poznat kao Svemogući GOspodar Majmuna od Pivske flaše,zaštitnik ježevog junfa,a možda i ne....
OK sad sam se nasrao...nego jel viđeše vi što izraelci napraviše govana u Libanonunamcor...sam pizdarije tamo na istoku,al jebiga to tako mora biti....
DO sljedećeg puta:Ja sam Monkeylord, a ovo su Monkeyve kućne baljezgarijemahwave

drugi put nadam se opet nešto malo o fecesu

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nedjelja, 16.07.2006.

Narodnjaci i Traubi-soda

Cura jedna u naselju imala sinoć cajka party sa svojim prijateljicama...oh neizmjerna srećo moja,hvalim te o svemogući što si mi pružio priliku da cijelu noć mogao uživati u grlenim vokalima bivših čobana sa obronaka Šumadije i napumpanih bajnih djeva koje su prije plastičnih operacija jahali kad je sve ovce bolila glava...Mislim nije da mi smeta što netko sluša narodnjake,samo da je to daleko od mene,nikada nisam mogao provariti takve pizdarije,ne volim ni punk ali mi ne smeta,što se mene tiče može treštiti cijeli dan,ali to je već druga priča.
NE volim ni Mišu Kovača,ne zato što mi se ne sviđa njegova glazba (iako mi se ne sviđa) nego čisto iz činjenice što je promašio sam sebe sa 10 centimetara,a naši ga digli u nebesa zato što je toliko nesposoban da ubije sam sebe,dobro da mu nisu dali i orden Domagojevih strijelaca za najmirniju ruku hrvatske estrade,i onda se pojavi takav jedan smežurani,savkim kurcem spaljeni i totalno prolupali fosil nekad ponosne rase hrvatskih šlager pjevača i zabavnjaka i sere kako mladež više ne kupuje njegove albume i više ga ne puštaju na tv-u.ALi što je žalosno slušaju njega još...doduše isti oni što slušaju i narodnjake (ili ih ja jednostavno ne mogu razlikovati).Al´ dosta o tome....
Neki dan mi se odvratna stvar desila...Vozimo se lega i ja biciklom kroz grad i padne nam na pamet mogli bi mi svratit u trgovinu i zajedničkim snagama sastrugati dna naših novčanika i skupiti za bocu Dalmatinca (da,više se ne pije onaj jeftini drek Ribar,ne sada se pije drugi jeftini drek) i vrhunac domaće proizvodnje sokova "OKTA" cola od binga,sve zajedno izašlo nas astronomskih 23 kune,s tim da smo dobili i čaše.I vozimo se mi da zauzmemo strateška mjesta u parku kad čujem onaj dobro mi poznat oblačić iz Alan Forda...PLJAS,SBONG,TRES (kako god) i pogledam dolje i vidim našu nekada predivnu,zamamnu bocu prepunu esenca i umjetnih pogoršivača okusa, raspadnutu u stotine komadića stakla preko kojih se prelijeva tamno crvena tekućina za pranjue vinskih bačava...SUze su krenule same od sebe,zastao mi dah u prsima i neka knedla u grlu,i kroz glavu mi prođe misao(jedan od rijetkih takvih trenutaka):petak je a mi imamo bocu kolenamcor.AL jebiga da skratimo priču,nakon sretnog suseta sa dobrom vilom dokopali smo se 15 kuna i užicali još jednu i uz total od 18 lemura i 30 lipa kupili jeftino bijelo vino koje smo obilno miješali sa colom nakon čega je imalo zanimljiv i neobično poznat okus...nije vino,nije voda jebo mater pa to je traubi-sodaparty.Totalni nedostatak okusa naše domaće jeftine kole je pretvorio našu mješavinu vinskog octa i alkohola sa šećerom i bojom u nešto neobično slično traubi-sodi.I popili smo sve...winkKRAJ

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ponedjeljak, 03.07.2006.

Pozdrav đabalebaroši (ako će te po književno hrvatskom: besplatno kruhaši). I tako znači vrijeme opet ošlo u kurac..kiša..kiša...oblaci..vidio sam Mišu Kovača na tv-u (znam nema veze s vremenom ali mi isto kvari raspoloženje) i sve je gadno.Gadno je i voziti bicikl na takvom vremenu, gdje god da idem dođem mokar, i pao sam sa bicikla, doduša staza je bila suha ali sam ja bio preumišljen i preuvjerenu svoje uber sposobnosti pa sam se zapuco u nekog tipa kojem se nisam ususduio prigovarat jer mi može jesti burek s glave (ali se po jogurt mora sagnutinaughty)..taj dan sam u biti bio sretan...olešio sam se...ali kao svako dobro dijete podsvjesno odbijem dominaciju alkohola nad mojim mladim ali veoma propalim tijelom pa sam odlučio iizbaciti mrskou mi tekućinu iz želuca...zapravo nisam....sama je odlučila izaćizaliven.I onda da popunim naglo nastalu prazninu u želucu napunio sam je bistrom,čistom,previše kloriranom i kamencem (što će reći mineralima) bogatom vodom...ali jebo ježa u leđa i voda odlučila da bi mogla malo na svjež zrak...nekako mi ne ide to zadržavanje tekućina u zadnje vrijeme...i onda od silnih napora puče meni kukanome kapilara...kapilarčina u oku i sada izgledam ko švarcika u terminatoru samo što mi nije pola face oderano (iako bi mi to znatno poboljšalo profil).
I tako ponapijali se mi, zlatna djeca.
Nakon svog tog silnog uzbuđenja palo meni nešto na pamet,to su rijetki trenuci,malo sam razmišljao(da me ne bi zabolila glava) i zaključio ja da nema više superjunaka životinja...Kad sam ja bio mali (podsjećam se na nekog dedu:Kad sam ja bio tvojih godina žvake su koštale pet para[sitno do starih dinara[) bio je onaj uberglodavac Supermiš ali on mi je uvijk bio pomalo preozbiljan ko onaj peško Superman , uvijek je bio nekako namrgođen i smrtno ozbiljan ali je mogao preskakat najviše zgrade, dobro monogi od vas će reći:"pa šta to mogu i ja!" ali ljudi to je bio jebeni miš,znate ono što drobite kad mu se rep zaljepi na ljepilo ili na šta vame je mama razbijala plastične puške dok se ne bi vi ili neki drugi hrabri ukućanin pojavili s čekićem i skratili jadnu žvotinju muka...mama mi nikada nije oprostila to sam je lupio po glavi.... A bio je i atomski mrav, onaj smiješni sa velikom glavom i žutom vestom na kojoj je pisalo A, to je bilo dok su ljudi bili uvjereni da mogu mutirati u supereroje od zračenja..da moš si mislit ne može to tek tako,mislio sam i ja da ću paliti žarulje rukom ako turnem žicu u utičnicu...istina vidio sam neko svjetlo ali žarulju nikada nisam uspio upaliti osima na isti način kao i svi ostali...Osim wunder mrava imali smo i Viteza Koju oliti Kornija Kornjaču imao je onog idiotskog pomagača od psa koji se slikovito zvao Dumb-dumb (na srpsko-hrvatskom Dam-dam) ali on nije bio baš super imao je samo onaj grbavi mač...aL znate tko je bio cool...Rz Brzotrz poznat još i kao At Strašnomlat e to je bila konjina i imao je jako pametnog komapnjona koji se ako se ne varam zvao..u jebote ne mogu se sjetiti kako se zvao mogu da ko ga jebe.
Vjerojatno je bilo još tih junačkih živina ali mi se sada jednostavno ne da o tome ako želite vidjeti tako šta uvijek vam ostaju nostaligični kanali na satelitu i netu ili uvatite ježa i stavite mu crveni plašt i navucite zračnicu od bicikla kao gumeno odijelo tipa Batman samo pripremite set za krpanje guma i možete ga baciti sa zgrade da vidite koju moć ima pri udarcu o šofer šajbu nevinog prolaznika.
Toliko za sada do sljedećg puta živili jazavčevi prepuciji i ježev junfwave

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