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Crna Guja, kreten ili genije...procijenite sami.
The Black Adder The Foretelling
Blackadder "Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be here at our gates."
Queen "Oh, Edmund, I'm not ready. I haven't had a bath or anything."
Blackadder "Mother, Henry is our enemy. When his men get here they'll brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle."
Queen "I shan't bother to change, then."
The Archbishop
Blackadder "Tell me, Brother Baldrick, what exactly did God do to the Sodomites?"
Baldrick "I dunno, but I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other."
Queen "The Archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty little boy whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in the font."
King "Well, that was a long time ago."
Queen "It was last Thursday."
Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: I curse you, and hope that something slightly unpleasant happens to you, like an onion falling on your head."
Baldrick "Well, that is the bottom end of the market. They run all the way to this one, for four ducats."
Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: may the Lord hate you and all your kind, may you be turned orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awkward moment."
The Queen of Spain's Beard
King "Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France in sympathy for the death of his son."
Chiswick "The one you had murdered, My Lord...?"
King "Yes, that's the fellow."
Baldrick (on Blackadder's 'love bites') "Actually, I'd be prepared to swear they were dog bites."
Blackadder "They are not dog bites! She was very attractive."
Baldrick "What, shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes...?"
Percy "Well, it's a famous blue stone, and it comes... from Galveston."
Blackadder "I see. And what about it?"
Percy "Well, My Lord, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start."
Blackadder "I see. And have you ever seen this stone?"
Percy "No, not as such, My Lord, but I know a couple of people who have, and they say it's very very blue indeed."
Blackadder "And have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?"
Percy "No, I shouldn't think so, My Lord."
Blackadder "And neither have you, presumably."
Percy "No, My Lord."
Blackadder "So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen."
Translator (for Infanta) "Your nose is smaller than I expected."
Blackadder "I have suffered no similar disappointment."
Blackadder "The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen."
Baldrick "Mm! And who would want to marry the Earl of Doncaster?"
Blackadder "Well, no one wou- Brilliant! Of course! No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster! Except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort. Quick, what are we going to do?"
Baldrick "First I'll get you looking right. We just need something effeminate draped around your shoulders."
Blackadder "Either of the Beaufort twins would do."
Queen "Oh, look at the two lovebirds."
Blackadder "One lovebird, and one love elephant."
Witchsmeller Pursuivant
Blackadder (to Baldrick) "You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings." [the guards return]
Guard #1 "By the way, how's that eagle of yours?"
Guard #2 "Fine. Had a bit of trouble at first, but now I've clipped its wings, no problem."
The Black Seal
Blackadder (to Percy) "You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned I am reliably informed by women around the court wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be."
Blackadder (on Philip of Burgundy) "He murdered his whole family!"
Pete "Who didn't? I certainly killed mine."
Wilfred "And I killed mine."
Friar "And I killed yours."
Sean "Did you?"
Friar "Yes."
Sean "Good on you, father."
Blackadder II Bells
Blackadder "I use the word 'man' in its broadest possible sense. For, as we all know, God made man in his own image, and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick."
Percy "Sorry I'm late."
Blackadder "No, don't bother apologizing. I'm sorry you're alive."
Percy "Oh good, I see the target is ready. I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me."
Blackadder "Well, go to Spain. There are millions of them."
Blackadder "Jane Herrington?"
Percy "Yes."
Blackadder "Jane bury-me-in-a-Y-shaped-coffin Herrington?"
Percy "I... I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons."
Blackadder "No... Tall, blonde, elegant?"
Percy "Right, that's right."
Blackadder "Goes like a privy door when the plague is in town? Come on, get on with your shot. You'll get over her... I did... So did Baldrick actually."
Blackadder "You're really just an old quack, aren't you?"
Dr. Leech "I'd rather be a quack than a ducky."
Blackadder "Tell me young crone, is this Putney?"
Crone "That it be... that it be..."
Blackadder "'Yes it is', not 'that it be'. You don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me, I'm not a tourist."
Crone "Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is... a woman! And second, she is..."
Blackadder "Wise?"
Crone "You do know her then?"
Blackadder "No, just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful."
Blackadder "Thank you young crone. Here is a purse of moneys... which I'm not going to give to you."
Queen "Girls are normally called Elizabeth, or Mary."
Nursie "And Donald."
Queen "Mouth is open, Nursie: should be shut."
Nursie "But it's true, sweet one. I had three sisters, and they were called Donald, Eric and Basil."
Queen "Then why's your name Nursie?"
Nursie "That isn't my real name!"
Queen "Isn't it?"
Nursie "No."
Queen "What is your real name then?"
Nursie "Bernard."
Queen "Mmmm. It suits you."
Blackadder "Excuse me, could you move along please. Look, I'm waiting for my father in law. Last thing I want is some scruffy old beggar blocking the church door, smelling of cabbage."
Father "I am your father in law."
Blackadder "Oh no... alright, how much you want to clear off?"
Kate "Edmund, how could you? He's my father, my only living relative."
Father "Ten pounds should do the trick."
Head
Blackadder "If I have two beans and then I add two more beans, what does that make?"
Baldrick "Umm... a very small casserole?"
Blackadder "Now try again. One, two, three, four, so how many are there?"
Baldrick "Three."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "And that one."
Blackadder (on Percy's ruff) "You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate."
Percy "It's the latest fashion actually and as a matter of fact it makes me look rather s-e-xy!"
Blackadder "To another plate-swallowing bird perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months."
Melchett "Unhappily Blackadder, the Lord High Executioner is dead."
Blackadder "Oh, woe. Murdered of course?"
Melchett "Oddly enough, no. They usually are but this one just got careless one night and signed his name on the wrong dotted line. They came for him while he slept."
Blackadder "A family atmosphere? This is meant to be a plce of pain and misery and sorrow!"
Cook "That's what I mean, sir."
Gaoler "Mistress Ploppy's a bit of a social realist, sir."
Potato
Blackadder "And where would I find him on a Tuesday?"
Walter "Well, if I remember his old habits, he's normally up the Old Sea Dog."
Blackadder "Oh, yes. And where is the Old Sea Dog?"
Walter "Well, on Tuesdays, he's normally in bed with the captain."
Blackadder "Better a lap-dog to a slip of a girl than a... git!"
Money
Percy "It's just over a thousand methinks, and has for years been hidden beyond the wit of any thief..." [Blackadder joins in] "...in an old sock under the squeaky floorboard..." [Baldrick joins in] "...behind the kitchen dresser."
Percy "You've seen it?"
Blackadder "Seen it, pinched it, spent it. And the same goes for the two farthings Balrick thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy potato."
Baldrick "Oh, bloody hell!"
Bishop "You see, I am a colossal pervert. No form of s-e-xual depravity is too low for me. Animal, vegetable or mineral, I'll do anything to anything."
Blackadder "Ah - fine words for a bishop. Nice to hear the church speaking out for a change on social issues."
Bishop "You fiend! Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity. Have you ever considered a career in the church?"
Beer
Blackadder "It is said, Percy, that civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God."
Percy (delighted) "Yes, I'd heard that."
Blackadder "Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best."
Baldrick "Lord Melchett is very sick."
Blackadder "Really?"
Baldrick "Yes. He's at death's door."
Blackadder "Well, my faithful old reinstated family retainer, let's go and open it for him then!"
Blackadder (on his fake breasts) "Oh, God - my ear muffs have fallen down!"
Chains
Blackadder "Oh, for God's sake. How... can... you... question... me... if... you... don't... speak... English?"
Torturer "No! Yo pregunto las questiones."
Blackadder "All right, let's start with the basics. English is a non-inflected Indo-European language derived from..."
Ludwig "You find yourself amusing, Blackadder."
Blackadder "I try not to fly in the face of public opinion."
Melchett "Perhaps some pleasant word game?"
Blackadder "Yes, all right. Make a sentence out of the following words: face - sodding - your - shut."
Queen "It's just like parties I had when I was tiny. We had tea and cakes and venison and then a trip with a couple of little friends to the executions."
Percy "How sweet."
Queen "If I wanted any of my friends executed, that is."
Blackadder the Third Dish and Dishonesty
Pitt the Younger "I now call upon the leader of the opposition to test me on my Latin vocab."
Blackadder "First name?"
Baldrick "Not sure."
Blackadder "You must have some idea."
Baldrick "Well, it might be Sod Off."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "When I used to play in the gutter I used to say to the other snipes 'Hello, my name's Baldrick', and they used to say 'Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick.'"
Blackadder "As a special reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday." [no pause] "Did you enjoy it? Right."
Blackadder "I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel."
Ink and Incapacity
Blackadder "I believe, sir, that the doctor is trying to tell you that he is happy because he has finished his book. It has apparently taken him ten years."
George "Yes. Well, I'm a slow reader myself."
Blackadder (on Johnson) "I'd bump into cleverer people at a lodge meeting of the Guild of Village Idiots."
Baldrick "That's not what you said when you sent him your navel."
Blackadder "Novel, Baldrick, not navel. I sent him my novel."
Johnson (to George) "Sir! I hope that you are not using this first English dictionary to look up rude words."
Blackadder "Well, I wouldn't be too hopeful - that's what all the other ones will be used for."
Nob and Nobility
Mrs. Miggins "Bonjewer, monsewer. It's French."
Blackadder "So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating in the street. But that's no reason to inflict it on the rest of us."
Blackadder "We hate the French! We fight wars against them! Did all those men die in vain on the field of Agincout? Was the man who burnt Joan of Arc simply wasting good matches?"
George (on Baldrick) "The chances of me scoring if I look and smell like him are zero."
Blackadder "That's true, sir. We shall return presently to bid you farewell."
Baldrick "Mr. B, I've been having second thoughts about this trip to France."
Blackadder "Oh, why?"
Baldrick "Well, as far as I can see, looking and smelling like this, there's not much chance of me scoring either."
Blackadder (on the Scarlet Pimpernel) "He's the most overrated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD 31 Best Disciple Competition."
Blackadder "Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words 'I have a cunning plan' marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?"
Sense and Senility
Blackadder "Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship."
Baldrick "Thank you, Mr. B."
Blackadder "But, as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply 'Sod off, and if I ever meet you again, it will be twenty billion years too soon'." [He leaves.]
Baldrick "Goodbye you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard."
Amy and Amiability
Blackadder "One is born, one runs up bills, one dies. And what have I got to show for it. Nothing! A butler's uniform and a slightly effeminate hairdo."
Baldrick "Don't worry mister B, I have a cunning plan to solve the problem."
Blackadder "Yes Baldrick, let us not forget that you tried to solve the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head."
Blackadder "You've been cutting out the cuttings about the elusive Shadow to put in your highwayman scrap book, haven't you?"
Baldrick "Oh, I can't help it, Mr. B! His life is so dark and shadowy and full of fear and trepidation!"
Blackadder "So's going to the toilet in the middle of the night but you don't keep a scrap book on it."
Baldrick "Yes I do."
Blackadder "Mrs. M, if we were the last three humans on earth, I would be trying to start a family with Baldrick."
Blackadder "Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?"
Baldrick "No, but I've often thought I'd like to."
Blackadder "Well don't, it's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough sinewy men roam the valleys terrorising people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the placenames. Never ask for directions in Wales Baldrick, you'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight."
Blackadder "You mean he's dead?"
Amy "Yes. Dead as that squirrel."
Blackadder "Which squirrel?" [She fires. SQUEAK!] "Oh, that squirrel."
Blackadder "Oh, God, what a way to die. Shot by a transvestite on an unrealistic grassy knoll."
Duel and Duality
Blackadder "And how stands that mighty army, the Clan MacAdder?"
MacAdder "They're both well."
Blackadder "I've always thought Jamie and Angus were such fine boys."
MacAdder "Angus is a girl."
Blackadder "I'm afraid the duel is off."
George "Off!?"
Blackadder "As in sod. I'm not doing it."
Blackadder Goes Forth Plan A: Captain Cook
Baldrick "My father was a nun."
Blackadder "No he wasn't."
Baldrick "He was so, I know because whenever he was in court and the judge used to say 'occupation' he'd say 'nun'."
Blackadder (on his epitaph) "Here lies Edmund Blackadder - and he's bloody annoyed."
Plan B: Corporal Punishment
Perkins "I must say, Captain, I've got to admire your balls."
Blackadder "Perhaps later."
Blackadder (to George and Baldrick) "Henceforth I shall pray nightly to the God who killed Cain and squashed Samson that he comes out of retirement and gets back into pracice with the pair of you." [He answers the phone.] "Blackadder. Ah, Captain Darling... You want two volunteers for a mission into No Man's Land. Codename - Operation Certain Death. Yes, I think I have just the fellows." [Hangs up.] "God is very quick these days."
Plan C: Major Star
Blackadder (on Charlie Chaplin) "I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then finding there's a gas bill tied to it.
Blackadder (to Bob) "You are a girl. And you're a girl with as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get into a polar-bears only club."
Blackadder "A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the Vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside."
Blackadder "Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests their are tribes of Indians as yet untouched by civilisation who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin impressions that yours."
Blackadder (to George) "You were the least convincing female impressionist since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick."
Plan D: Private Plane
Blackadder "For 'magnificent men' read 'biggest show-offs since Lady Godiva entered the enclosure at Ascot claiming she had literally nothing to wear'."
Blackadder "Trust you to skive off to some cushy option."
Darling "There is nothing cushy about life in the Women's Auxiliary Balloon Corps."
Blackadder "The Teutonic reputation for brutality is well founded. Their operas last three or four days and they have no word for 'fluffy'."
Richthoven "Ah, and Lord Flashheart, this is indeed an honour. Finally the two greatest gentlemen flyers in the vorld meet. Two men of honour who have jousted together in the cloud-strewn glory of the skies are face to face at last. How often have I rehearsed this moment of destiny in my dreams. The valour we two encapsulate, the unspoken nobility of our comradeship, the..." [Flashheart shoots him dead.]
Flashheart "What a poof! Let's go!"
Plan E: General Hospital
Blackadder "I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with... 't'."
Baldrick "Breakfast."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "My breakfast always begins with tea, thenI have a little sausage. Then an egg with some little soldiers."
Blackadder "When I say it begins with 't', I meant a letter."
Baldrick "No, it never begins with a letter, the postman don't come until 10.30."
Percy "I'm as British as Queen Victoria!"
Blackadder "You mean your father's German, you're half German and you married a German?"
Mary "Do you have someone special in your life?"
Blackadder "Well, yes I do, as a matter of fact."
Mary "Who?"
Blackadder "Me."
Mary "No, someone you love and cherish and want to keep safe from all the horror and the hurt?"
Blackadder "Still me, really."
Plan F: Goodbyeee
Baldrick (on the war) "I heard it started when some chap called Archie Duke shot an ostich because he was hungry."
Blackadder "I think you mean it started when the Arch-Duke of Austro-Hungary got shot."
Baldrick "No, there was definitely an ostrich involved."
Blackadder "The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterent. That way there could never be a war."
Baldrick "Except, well, this is a sort of war, isn't it?"
Blackadder "That's right, there was one tiny flaw in the plan."
George "Oh, what was that?"
Blackadder "It was bollocks."
Melchett "Do you love your country, soldier?"
Baldrick "Certainly do, sir."
Melchett "And do you love your king?"
Baldrick "Certainly don't, sir."
Melchett "Why not?"
Baldrick "My mum told me never to trust men with beards."
Baldrick (on joining up) "It was great - the first time I've ever really felt popular, everyone was cheering and throwing flowers, a gril actually came up and kissed me."
Blackadder "Poor woman - first casualty of the war."
Blackadder "My God, you've got it, you've got it!" [Kisses Baldrick.]
Baldrick "Well, if I've got it, you've got it too now, sir."
Blackadder "Both sides advanced further during one Christmas piss-up than we've managed in the next two and a half years."
Baldrick "Sir, sir, do you remember the football match sir?"
Blackadder "Remember it, how could I forget it? I was never offside, I could not believe that decision."
Blackadder "I think the phrase rhymes with 'clucking bell'."
Percy "Made a note in my diary on the way here. Says simply 'bugger'."
Blackadder's Christmas Carol
Blackadder "Baldrick, you wouldn't recognise a cunning plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Cunning plans are here again'."
The Black Adder
(episodes 1-5)
The sound of hoof beats 'cross the glade,
Good folk, lock up your son and daughter,
Beware the deadly flashing blade,
Unless you want to end up shorter.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he rides a pitch black steed.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he's very bad indeed.
Black: his gloves of finest mole,
Black: his codpiece made of metal,
His horse is blacker than a vole,
His pot is blacker than his kettle.
Black Adder, Black Adder, with many an cunning plan.
Black Adder, Black Adder, you horrid little man.
"The Black Seal" (episode 6)
So now the wage of sin is paid,
The blameless dead, the black steed grazes.
The only sound across the glade
Is Edmund pushing up the daisies.
Black Adder, Black Adder, a shame about the plan.
Black Adder, Black Adder, tha' worked, you horrid man.
Blackadder II
"Bells"
Lord Flashheart tweaked the Adder's beard.
From now he always shall be single.
To fall in love with boys is weird,
Especially boys without a dingle.
Black Adder, Black Adder, his taste is rather odd.
Black Adder, Black Adder, the randy little sod.
Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, I wish you were the star.
Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, you're sexier by far.
"Head"
His great-grandfather was a king,
Although for only thirty seconds.
When put in charge of beheading,
He felt that fame and glory beckoned.
Black Adder, Black Adder, no such blooming luck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, Elizabethan shmuck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, nothing goes as planned.
Black Adder, Black Adder, life deals him a bum hand.
"Potato"
Sir Francis and Sir Walter had
Discovered new worlds and new nations.
And though Black Adder thought them mad,
He tried his hand at navigation.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he saw the ocean's foam.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he should have stayed at home.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he heard the new world's call.
Black Adder, Black Adder, discovered bugger-all.
"Money"
Take heed the moral of this tale:
Be not a borrower or lender.
And if your finances do fail,
Make sure your banker's not a bender.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he trusted in the church.
Black Adder, Black Adder, it left him in the lurch.
Black Adder, Black Adder, his life was almost done.
Black Adder, Black Adder, who gives a toss? No one.
"Beer"
Black Adder couldn't hold his beer.
The art of boozing he's not mastered.
And I, your merry balladeer,
Am also well and truly plastered.
Black Adder, Black Adder, a bit like Robin Hood.
Black Adder, Black Adder, but nothing like as good.
Black Ad
Black Adder, Black Adder, our writers must have lied.
"Chains"
Beware all ye who lust for fame.
The path of life is most uncertain.
Prince Ludwig thought he'd won the game.
But now the Kraut's gone for a burton.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he beat the Hun by luck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he's smarter than a duck.
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, intelligent and deep.
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, a shame about the sheep.
Blackadder's Christmas Carol
He's kind & gen'rous to the sick,
He'd never spread a nasty rumour.
He never gets on people's wick,
And doesn't laugh at toilet humour.
Blackadder, Blackadder,
He's sickeningly good.
Blackadder, Blackadder,
As nice as Christmas pud.
Blackadder Back & Forth closing song
Let joy fill every Briton's heart,
For now the country's going to make it.
At last a King who looks the part,
At last a Queen who looks good naked.
Blackadder,
Blackadder,
A monarch with panache,
Blackadder,
Blackadder
He's got a nice moustache
Everything he wants he'll get,
The world is now Blackadder's oyster,
Most Prime Ministers are wet,
But Baldrick he is even moister.
Blackadder,
Blackadder,
A dog who's got his bone,
Blackadder,
Blackadder,
A bastard on the throne
Blackadder,
Blackadder,
His beard is neatly curled,
Blackadder,
Blackadder,
He's going to rule the world
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blog o ničemu,ama baš ničemu ....
Oprostite za ponekad nečitljive i povremene totalno nerazumljive riječi, rečenice i druge natpise. To je rezultat mojeg krajnjeg nemara za pravopis i ustroj rečenice kombinirano sa mojom brzopletošću na tastaturi s kojom se i dan-danas ne znam služiti...
unarprijed se ograđujem od svih uvredljivih sadržaja koje ćete možda pročitati ovdje...sav govor mržnje koji možda pročitate ovdje, je čisti nesporazum, čudna pogreška kod copy-paste operacija...mejk lav nat vor ,end mejk mor litl bučrz...
Šta da kažem...nemam šta da kažem...al opet možda se i nađe nešto...jednog dana ću sjest i napistai najveći post koji je čovječanstvo vidjelo od izuma atarija i spectruma.Uživat ću u blagodatima svojeg neprikosonovenog talenta da serem najveće luposti a da pritom ostanem ozbiljan, a vi obićni smrtnici će te mi donositi monitore na autogram...e lijepi snovi.
Uglavnom dogovarammo se za prvi maj opet sve u zadnji trenutak,još i dalje imamo nedoumica jedino je cuga kupljena što je na kraju krajeva jedino i važno, ali poznavajući okrutan smisao za humor božanstva zaduženog za balkan taman kad mi zapalimo vatricu, kad mi se pogled počne magliti od pivske izmaglice a misli poprimati nijansu ružičastih slonova u totalnoj ekstazi nazujaenosti i baš u ononm trenutku kada počenm prinositi prvi komad mesa ispečenog znojem lica svoga i mukom nisko kapacitetnog mjehura moga, baš u tom trenutku otvorit će se nebesa i dažda će se spustiti.Vatra će se utrnuti,zemlja će se pretvoriti u kaljužu koju ni lada niva ne bi mogla provariti mokri ljudi u panici će trčati u potrazi za zaklonom,oni rijetki sretnici bliže katakombama će se skloniti u prostore jebodroma i ostati suhi u smradu strog znoja,šorke i užeglih rabljenih higijenskih gumica,a ja ću sretan u svojoj izmaglici hmeljno-ječmenog sokića uživati u jedinom komadu izvana zagorenog-iznutra krvavog mesa koji se ispekao i sretan na kiši ja gospodar majmuna i zaštitinik ježevog junfa sjedim na kiši i pohlepno žvačem meso u išečkivanju trihineloze...
Jutors usto se ja rano negdje oko 7 i umjesto da idem odmah na faks rekoh pauzirat ću ja jedan sat i popit kavu i pogledat crtiće.
I napravijo ja tursku gorku,crnu ko noć i upalijo teveja na rtl-u kad ono neki đapanezi imaju malog robota koji izgleda ko mali dečko ali ima i male raketne motore na stopalima i mislim da zna jako brzo kopat, nešto ko ljudolika krtica na mlazni pogon, poslije toga oni klinci sa onim zvrkovima što se bore....
...kako? Kako natjerat zvrk da se vrti milijun i okolo skače na drugi zvrk dok ga ne sruši i ne zaustavi i to čigre imaju neke napade di vidiš bijesne sličice iz životinjskog kraljevstva...ona zvrk sa napadom raspiđenog sibirskog tigra sa upalom uha i bijesnim kurjim okom na repu. Kako djeca to puše danas???nije mi jasno, ajd konto sam one pokemone..mislim kako ih ne shvatiti, imaš male jako pametne od početka pokorne ali nekoć divlje ali iznenađujuće životinje koje variraju od 10 dekagrama do 25 tona i to svaka u svojoj kugli koja ima promjer od nekih desetak centi ali ako treba ona se smanji tako da ti stane pun kurac u đep...takav đep nema ni Đuka Nuklearac (Duke Nukem) a on može furat minigun u đepu,uglavnom i te životinje imaju kojekakve napade tipa "bijesni udar sušenim brabonjkom" ili "moćni udar struje koji pali sve pred sobom i zasljepljuje nebesa". I poslije toga neki crtić koji sam i ja volio kao mali,Transformersi..živio Optimus Prime...ne znam jesam li dovoljno naglasio ono VOLIO.
Iznenada mi se srozao u očima...zašto pitam se, ali zašto bi netko pravio robota koji se slaže u auto???i ako ga već napraviš zašto mu staviš unutra sic i korman i kerefeke??? A ko ih je uopće napravio, koji kurac će nekome ogromni robot koji ima termo nuklearni hladno fizijski pseudo neutronsko kobaltni top u malom prstu? Ajd kontam napraviš jednog pa se kurčiš u gradu: "Moj robot od deset metara se može pretvorit u Fapa kljunaša i može razbit tvog tamagochija!!!" to shvaćam, ali napraviti onak sto i još da im ne bude dosadno napraviš im i zle pandane koji su još veći i jedan se od njih pretvara u veliki pištolj, a neki i u životinje....zašto?ZAŠTO?
Nema smisla, Beavis&Butthead su i dalje najjači (ali kulen je ipak jači i od njih)
Toliko od gospodara majmuna
Evo mene ko za mene pita...uleti mu od magarca kita.
Nisam već dugo bio blogovski aktivan ni raspoložen a iskreno nisam ni sada ali popuštam pritiscima javnosti jer su toliko ovisno o mojim predivnim tekstovima da im to ne mogu uskratiti....Ovo je bio školski primjer dizanja samopouzdanja na tuđi račun.
Eto prošao još jedan uskrs još jedan festival prežderavanja i dani priovedeni u fotelji sa tranjurom šunke i prstom u pupku...jebiga...čudim se da se nisam ni jednput izbljuvao...
Da i kao što kaže naslov kulen(pritom mislim na mog kulena...ma ne taj kulen perverznjaci jedni
) je najjača svinje u univerzumu.Moj kulen jedan na jedan može pojest i Žaka...ozbiljno...ne zajebavam se...onda znate koliko je moćan ni Žak ne može pojesti Žaka.
U jebote kako me ne ide,mislim da sam ostario pa mi se mozak kalcificira da bi se sačuvao za buduće generacije ali mi u isto vrijeme slabe sve sposobnosti vezane uz komunikacijeu s ljudima, al nema veze bar će djeca za sto godina moći vidjeti okaminu mozga gospodara majmuna, i moji potomci (ako mi se i jaja ne Okamene) će mi napraviti postolje za mozak od krtičijih kožica...e ta dobra stara buduća vremena.Al stvarno sam jadan kada je jedina stvar o kojoj ja imam volje pisati moj imaginarni cyber krmak...čak moram ljudima i lagati o veličini njegova spolovila...jebem te živote. A kažu da sam nekada bio intelektualan mladić sa životom ispred sebe i perspektivnom karijerom obrezivača jazavaca, mirno,dobro i povučeno,pametno dijete sa cyber krmkom je postalo gospodar majmuna i zaštitnik ježevih junfova...sa cyber krmkom...a dobro sad bar znam kako izgledaju moji zamišljeni prijatelji...kao cyber krmci...zapravo nisam siguran jel kulen cyber krmak ili cyber krmača ali ja živim u uvjerenju da je krmak s ogromnim spolovilom koji će nategnuti stanićkinu cyber krmaču anu.Kulen je zakon, još samo da si nađem i neke cyber prijatelje i da si kupim cyber vaginu pa si mogu kupiti i tetu preko interneta. Čudno je to u biti koliko ljudio je spremno živit život preko neta,sad mogu zamisliti sterotipnog američkog propalicu koji živi u podrumu roditelja,težak je žak i pol, prežderava se čokoladicama i puni svoju ogromnu mješinu colom dok starj babi od 8 i po banki govori da imatijelo guvernera kalifornije penis kralja tanzanije uvjeren da je ona zapravo izgubljena bejvoč đevojka koju mič nije htio pokazati svijetu jer je prelijepa.
Možda jednog dana i ja budem imao adsl pa budem i ja tako radio.A sada sam jadan i moram se zadovoljiti sa pravim prijateljima i ženama i opijati se u pravim kafićima dok neko američansko derle cyberuje sa babom mojih web snova koju je upoznao u caffe baru nekog chata...život je kurva a kulen je zakon i on troši anu, a kada više n e bude mogo prcat skratiti ću mu muke i napravit ću do njega kulen
Heheheheheheheheheheheheeh...danas me je puko kofein iz kave nakon pun kurac vremena malo sam si pretjerao sa unosom.Jebiga...al sad sam brz i hiperaktivan i joojjjjppjpjppjpjppjolKAOShushfierfhvih.....uf što volim kavu
ali najbolja je turska ona prava ko kauboji što su kuhali,crna,gorka...a ne one kapućino,50 u 1 i šta ti ja znam makijato bau-vau bling pizdarije..kava je zakon i obvezno,ali OBVEZNO mora biti sa kofeinom inače nema smisla..jel....
Bada-bum šta god to značilo..da jel zna tko šta to znači? To kao ono iz mućki "lovely jably" ili tako nešto ili ovi moji krmpotići..joj što volim kada pišem gluposti bez smisla kako je to dobro skakati sa teme na temune razmišljajući hoće li te itko razumjeti, a ionako stalno ista ekipa dolazi gledati ove moje ispade kreativnosti koji me puknu svako malo...iako mi je od kreativnosti draži izraz "verbalni proljev".
Ukinuli diklići na Rtl-u zimzone i opet stavili onog klempavog kretena sa disfunkcionalnom obitelji...jebeš crnce sa Bel-Aira hoćemo žute ljude iz Springfielda...
Ja gospodar majmuna i zaštitnik ježevog junfa više nemam šta reći...
Ma zajebajem se imam ja još puno toga da kažem ali to možda drugi put...
svi ste vjerojatno primjetili moju veliku ljubav prema Žaku,nemani novog doba ii zvijezde novog serijala Godzilla i prijatelji...pa evo malo o njemu
* žak pitao prodavača cipela šta mu preporuča da mu bude komotno, ovaj mu
preporuči Slavoniju :)
* oko žaka se u orbiti vrte Vesna Kanižaj i Ivanka Boljkovac :)
* žak uvijek kupuje dvije karte za kino/kazalište. Jednom je dobio
sjedala u
različitim redovima :(
Žak nikad ne prelazi cestu, on je uvijek na obje strane.
Kad Žaku u restoranu konobar donese meni, on kaže "Može!"
- žak je toliko debeo da ljudi đogiraju trčeći oko njega
- žakove mjere su 90 - 60 - 90 ...lijeve ruke
- kad žak ode u zoološki vrt , slonovi mu bacaju kikiriki
- na audiciji za prvi dio Indiane Jonesa davali su mu ulogu kotrljajuće
kamene kugle
- žak je vidljiv na radaru
- žak je pao u Grand Canyon i zaglavio!!!
Kad Žak ide na ljetovanje, ne plaća boravišnu taksu.
On vadi građevinsku dozvolu.
Jucer je Zak izasao iz kuce.
Na svu srecu samo na kratko,
pomrcina je trajala svega par minuta..
Žak je privlačan samo gravitaciji.
Da je Žak avion bio bi Jumbo Jet.
Žak ima svoj poštanski broj.
Žak se vidi na satelitu.
Kad Žak skače bungee, ide ravno u pakao.
Sliku Žaka možete vidjeti u časopisu na stranici 4, 5, 6, 7 i 8.
Žaku su krafne tic-tac.
Žak napuni kadu, i onda pusti vodu.
Žak mora izači iz auta da bi promjenio radiostanicu.
Žak ima dva trbuha. Jedan za meso drugi za povrće.
Žak igra biljar sa planetima.
Žak stavlja majonezu na aspirin.
Kad Žak stane na vagu, vidi svoj broj mobitela.
Žak se ne šali kad kaže: "Tako sam gladan, da bi mogao pojesti vola"
Kad Žak dođe u restoran, on pojede i "Hvala, dođite opet!"
Kad Žak trči, CD player preskače. Na radiostanici.
Mrzim Rim...kraljevstvo,republiku,principat i dominat...mrzim rimsko staro,klasično i postklasično pravo..mrzim pretore,konzule i pravnike,mrzim glosatore,postglosatore, mrzim školu egzegeze i elegantne jurisprudencije...mrzim kada nešto što nisam uspio naučiti za par mjeseci moram nagurati u dva dana...Al šta da radim kad sam preveliki kampanjac...znam da to nije dobro pogotovo kada to što pokušavaš naučiti ima mnogo...premnogo...buđet od titanica mnogo podataka ali jebiga neću nikada naučiti. Al valjda ću se i ja jednom opametiti kad ošinem to još tri puta...Nije sve u brizi za seksualne prohtjeve lokalnih hordi ježeva...Al jebiga znaš ono kad kreneš učit pa vidiš sa strane nešto zanimljivo, picjazlu koja se na bijeloj plahti ističe dok iskašljava svoja sičušna DDt-om zatrovana pluća zahvaljujući prašku protiv zlatica, ili onu mrlju na televizoru koja ne odoljivo podsjeća na Žaka Hudeka(ne idalje ne znam kako se to piše),a kad si već pored čarobne kutije zašto ne pogledati šta se dešava u njoj...Kad ono mali ljudi govore španjolski i rješavaju ljubavne probleme između bogate gazdarice u najljepšim godinama poslije šezdesete i mladog nabildanog vrtlara koji je zapravo nezakoniti sin lokalnog bogataša koji radi kao vrtlar jer je bio preglup da čisti bazene i sada zadovoljava starice koje žive u nakitu i dekadenciji dok njegova majka bivša prostitutka pati u bespićima amazonske prašume gdje ju njeguje njena prahistorijska baka koja je išla u razred sa brojem jedan...i tako sezonu za sezonom....
Pa prebaciš program kad ono opet mali ljudi pričaju na španjolskom ali ovaj put je nešto čudno...čekaj malo...pa ne...nije to španjolski...o ne...jedina gora stvar od sapunica na šapanjolskom su trakavice na brazilskom. I opet neki stočar jebaje curicu od 18 godina dok njegov smrtni neprijatelj oplakuje sina koji je stradao kada je novoj djevojci pokazivao kako svaladti 10 metara anakonde samo sa spolovilom i vilicom za bobičasto voće...ajmo dalje. Prebaciš opet kad ono...ne nije sapunjara...ma šalim se je, opet telenovela.
...Pa čemu sve to????
Zar ljudi nakon toliko godina i stalno jednih te istih priča o odvratno bogtima i patetučno siromašnih i dalje puše ista sranja? I to svaki dan sve više i više, praktički cijeli dan možeš provesti u gledanju latino govana uz povremenu injekciju njemačkih govana o doktorima, lugarima medicinskim sestrama ili talijanskih patetika o ne znam ni ja čemu...opet sam odlutao daleko, odo ja učiti rimsko
Još jedan vikend u parku....još jedan vikend jeftinog vina i piva...jutarnjeg mamurluka i okusa smrti kućnih ljubimaca u ustima.
Al lijepo je to sa društvom, zajebancija i sprdnja, neke stvari se zakompliciraju pa se opet same od sebe vrate na mjesto al to valjda tako mora biti u svijetu... Ali nema još ježeva vani, ježevi su zakon, pizde i frkču i imaju buhe i žderu gliste ali nikako pod nikakvom teorijom ne bi smio ježa jebavat u leđa...čujem da posljedice znaju biti poprilično ozbiljne i ne preporuča se mladima i neiskusnim pijancima da za svoje prvo seksualno iskustvo pokušaju natrčiti ježa...Mislim da ovo ne izgleda baš zdravo sa moje strane što pišem takve stvari pa ću prestati o ježevima.
...
muke ježeve su nas snašle propale, propete i raspete
...
jebote koja mentalna blokada...
...
ponekad se osjećam ko Marvin iz "Vodiča" ne mislim to da je cijeli svijet protiv mene nego nekada mislim da mi je glava jednostavno prevelika i da mi je mozak unatoč neizmjernoj praznini i beskorisnosti velik ko jebeni planet i da će jednog dana jednostavno probit kroz glavu i razlijepit se po tapetama ko onaj od Curt Cobaina...može biti da je to ono što iskusni ljudi u najboljim godinama nazivaju mamurlukom...možda bi trebao početi slušati narodnjake. Kontam si da ovi što slušaju narodnjake jako puno piju čisto zbog činjenice što slušaju narodnjake i da bi pretrpili agoniju zamamnih zvukova anadolskih visoravni što paraju bubnjiće i izvlače krv kroz uši. Pa logičnim zaključivanjem pretpostavljam da s vremenom oni razvijaju otpornost prema stvarima poput mamurluka i jutarnje glavobolje koji muče nas prosječne alkohol usere i samim time ako bi ja počeo slušati narodnjake iako bih bio izbjegavan od drušva i cijepljen protiv ukusa ali bi barem mogao piti bez straha od glavobolje i mentalnih naprezanja koja dolaze od pjesama sa tekstom koji ima smisla. ALi s druge strane tada bi stekao i prijateljice u dopičnjacima i prijateljima širokim ramneim bez vrata i velikom utokom (to vam je pistola op.u.) i nitko mi ništa ne može osim drugih ljudi koji imaju utoku i nemaju vrata i moralnih barijera.Onda bi si ja kupio magnuma ko onaj od prljavog Arija pa mi nitko ne bi ništa mogao...hehehhe sve bi ih potamanio onak ko iz šale ispalim dva milijuna metaka samo da bi mogao upaliticigaretu na užarenoj cijevi moga Magnuma 44. najmoćnije utoke na svietu i dođem do konobara i kažem:"Du ju fil laki...A pank...vat du ju tink did aj ispalio dva milijuna i dvajest i dva or tu milion end tventi tri bulets A pank"...Jebiga...opet pišem gluposti al šta da se radi za to sam rođen.
Spasi nas bože kuge, gladi i narodnjaka
