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subota, 25.10.2008.
Prva afera
Oženjen muškarac je imao aferu sa svojom sekretaricom.
Jednoga dana otišli su u njen stan i vodili ljubav celo posle podne.
Iscrpljeni, zaspali su i probudili se tek oko 8 uveče.
Muškarac se brzo obukao i zatražio od svoje ljubavnice da iznese njegove cipele
napolje i zaprlja ih travom i prljavštinom.
Obuo je svoje cipele i pošao kući.
"Gde si bio celoga dana?" na vratima ga je dočekala žena.
"Ne mogu da te lažem" odgovorio je on.
"Imam vezu sa mojom sekretaricom i vodili smo ljubav celog popodneva."
Ona je pogledala dole u njegove cipele i rekla:
"Lažovčino jedna! Opet si igrao golf celog dana!"
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- 15:51 -
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Treća afera
Sredovečni par je imao dve ćerke, ali su uvek razgovarali kako bi bilo lepo imati i
sina.
Odlučili su da probaju još jednom da dobiju sina.
Žena je zatrudnela i rodila zdravo muško dete.
Presrećni otac pohitao je u porodilište da vidi svog novorođenog sina
Kada je video najružnije dete u životu, prestravio se.
Nema šanse da sam ja otac ovog nesrećnog deteta - rekao je ženi.
Pogledaj ove dve prelepe devojčice kojima sam roditelj!
Mora da si ti švrljala iza mojih leđa!
_
Žena se osmehnula i odgovorila:
'Ne ovoga puta!'
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Druga afera
Grobar je radio kasno jedne noći.
Pripremao je telo gospodina Marka,
koji je trebao biti kremiran,
i ustanovio frapantnu činjenicu.
Marko je imao najveći penis koji je ovaj ikada video!
'Izvinjavam se gospodine Marko,' komentarisao je grobar, 'Ne mogu da dozvolim da
tako impresivan primerak bude kremiran, to mora da bude sačuvano za potomstvo.'
Potom je odstranio cenjeni primerak penisa, spakovao ga je u torbu i poneo kući.
'Imam nešto da ti pokažem, nećeš verovati svojim očima,' rekao je ženi otvarajući
torbu.
'Gospode Bože!' žena je uzviknula prestravljeno,
'Ubio si Marka!'
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Četvrta afera
Muškarac je ušao u bar i naručio pivo.
'Izvoilte gospodine, to će biti 20 para.'
'Dvadeset para?' ponovio je čovek.
Pogledao je u jelovnik i pitao:
'A koliko bi koštala karađorđeva i buteljka vranca?'
'Dinar i 10,' odgovorio je barmen.
'Dinar i 10?' ponovio je čovek.
'A hoćeš da mi kažeš gde je vlasnik ove kafane?'
Barmen ga je pogledao:
'Na spratu, sa mojom ženom.'
Čovek ga je upitao 'A šta radi gore sa tvojom ženom?
'Isto što i ja ovde sa njegovom kafanom. '
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- 15:49 -
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Peta afera
Žena je bila u krevetu sa ljubavnikom kada je začula muža koji je ulazio u kuću.
'Požuri,' rekla je, 'stani u ćošak.'
Nauljila ga je bebi uljem i potom zasula talkom.
'Ne pomeraj se dok ti ne kažem,'
rekla je. 'Pretvaraj se da si statua.'
'Šta je ovo?' pitao je muž kada je ušao u prostoriju.
'To je statua,' odgovorila je.
'Petrovićka je kupila jednu, meni se svidela pa sam i ja nabavila sličnu.'
Bez daljeg komentarisanja otišli su u krevet na spavanje.
Oko 2 po ponoći, muž je izašao iz sobe i nedugo posle se vratio sa pivom i sendvičem.
'Evo,' rekao je statui, 'uzmi ovo.
Ja sam tako dva dana stajao kod Petrovića, mogao sam da crknem od gladi.'
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- 15:49 -
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Šesta afera
Paja je umirao a njegova žena je sedela pored njega.
Pogledao je gore ka njoj i slabim glasom rekao:
'Moram nešto da ti se ispovedim.'
'Nemoj sada da se zamaraš pričajući, ' odgovorila je ona.
'Ne,' insistirao je,
'Hoću da umrem u miru.
Spavao sam sa tvojom sestrom, tvojom najboljom drugaricom, njenom prijateljicom i
tvojom majkom!'
'Znam,' odgovorila je,
'Sada se samo opusti i pusti da otrov deluje.'
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- 15:35 -
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Što je PU Zagreb jedino preostalo da obuzda porast kriminala...
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petak, 24.10.2008.
Spasimo hrvatsku pandu, ... ali kako?
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- 10:48 -
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Što čini cjelinu (100%)?
Što čini cjelinu (100%)?
Što to znači "davati više od 100%"?
Da li ste se ikad zapitali što misle oni koji tvrde da daju više od 100%?
Svatko od nas je bio na jednom od poslovnih sastanaka gdje se zahtijevalo
da dajemo više od 100%.
Kako dosegnuti, na primjer, 103% ?
Što to predstavlja u stvarnome životu?
Predstavljam vam jednostavnu matematičku formulu, koja će vam, kao što je i meni, pomoći da nađete odgovore na gornja pitanja.
S matematičkog gledišta, bilo bi to ovako:
- Ako zapišemo:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
i pridružimo im vrijednosti na sljedeći način:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
slijedi da je:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K (naporan rad) = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E (znanje) = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4++7+5 = 98%
Onda:
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E (odnos prema poslu) = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5= 100%
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T (to već znate što je) = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20= 103%
Ali pogledajte gdje vas ljubljenje može dovesti:
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G (ljubljenje guzice,
dupelizništvo,uvlačenje...)=1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
Iz ovoga možemo matematičkom sigurnošću utvrditi da nas NAPORAN RAD i
ZNANJE dovode blizu cilja, ODNOS PREMA POSLU nas dovodi do željenog cilja,
dok nas UVLAČENJE i LJUBLJENJE GUZICE izbaci visoko iznad svih granica.
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subota, 18.10.2008.
- 17:15 -
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VRSTE HRVATA
Na satu zemljopisa učiteljica u školi prozove malog Ivicu:
- Reci ti nama Ivice, kako se u Hrvatskoj dijeli stanovništvo?
Mali Ivica ustane i spremno odgovori:
- Stanovništvo se dijeli na TAJKUNE, DAJKUNE i NEMAKUNE!
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- 17:12 -
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DJEVIČANSKO ULJE
Dođe baba u butigu i traži maslinovo ulje i pita koliko košta.
Prodavačica: 70 kn litra ..
Baba: A to vam je preskupo.
Prodavačica: Ali gospođo, to vam je djevičansko maslinovo ulje.
Baba: A imate kakvo izjebano za 40 kn ?
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- 17:11 -
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nedjelja, 12.10.2008.
O ČETVORICI
Klasična priča za državnu upravu
Bila jednom četvorica po imenu Svatko, Netko, Bilotko i Nitko.
Trebalo je obaviti jedan vrlo važan posao i Svatko je mislio da ce ga Netko obaviti.
Bilotko je to mogao učiniti, a Nitko nije htio. Netko se zbog toga naljutio jer je to bio posao za Svakoga.
Svatko je opet mislio da bi ga Bilotko mogao obaviti, no Nitko nije shvatio da ga Netko ne želi obaviti.
Na kraju je Svatko krivio Nekoga jer Nitko nije učinio ono što je mogao napraviti Bilotko.
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Gdje mi je pomfri?
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BIRAJTE PRIJATELJE!!!
Prijateljstvo medju zenama:
Jednu noć supruga nije došla kuci i suprug ju je upitao gdje je spavala
a ona mu odgovori da je spavala kod jedne svoje prijateljice.
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ali niko od njih to nije potvrdio....
Prijateljstvo medju muškarcima:
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MUŠKI MORSKI HAIKU
More,
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Plažom šećem,
U mislima, već ga mećem
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Cvrčak dere,
A u grmlju mala sere
U mislima sve mi prazno
Nisam, nebum, ni pod razno
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- 10:16 -
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- 09:44 -
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Zaborava ne smije biti....
Probudila sam se.
Umila se brzo, pomuzla krave, dala jesti kokošima i zečevima,
izgnala koze i krave na pašu.
Probudila sam djecu, napravila im doručak, spakirala ih za školu, odvezla ih u školu, pokosila travu.
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Kad sam se konačno spremila krenuti leć', pade mi na pamet:
''AJME UŽASA! Moj muž! Cijeli dan leži na kauču neizjeban!!!'
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- 09:41 -
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srijeda, 08.10.2008.
- 10:37 -
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"VRUĆ" VIC
Polaganje ispita na fakultetu:
Profesor otvara index prvog kandidata i vidi
1000 eura.
Profesor: Gde je bačena atomska bomba u drugom svetskom ratu?
Student: U Japanu.
Profesor: Položili ste kolega, možete ići.
Sledeći kandidat takođe daje index ali bez novca.
Profesor: Gde je bačena prva atomska bomba u drugom svetskom ratu?
Student: Hiroshima , Japan
Profesor: Kada?
Student: Ponedeljak, 6. Augusta, 1945.
Profesor: Koliko je osoba poginulo?
Student: Ukupno 90.000-140.000.
Profesor: A imena poginulih, kolega!?
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ponedjeljak, 06.10.2008.
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srijeda, 01.10.2008.
Orbit bez šećera
- Fato, što radiš?
- Evo žvačem Muji kurac!
- Valjda pušiš Muji kurac!...
- Pušiću ako se digne!
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- 11:14 -
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