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      string(35) "Breaking the Cycle of Bad Decisions"
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Breaking the cycle of bad decisions isn’t easy. If you’re like me, you’ve developed the bad habit of repeating the same detrimental situations because you:

Don’t ask enough of the right questions.

Don’t pay enough attention to detail.

Don’t properly weigh the pros and cons of each opportunity before you accept it.

Don’t communicate your specific needs in the given situation.

Doing these things quickly lands you in the position of a doormat or in yet another situation that could have been easily avoided with just a little foresight. Now you’re saddled with a new responsibility that will consume your precious time. Here are some tips to get you into a new mindset and help you with breaking the cycle:

Once Things Stop Making Sense, Stop Doing Them

When breaking the cycle there is a big difference between giving up when things get tough and recognizing a toxic situation and staying away from it.

“Part of being a winner is knowing when enough is enough. Sometimes you have to give up the fight and walk away, and move on to something that’s more productive.” ~Donald Trump

I used to think that if I walked away that I was avoiding the problem rather than trying to solve it – so I remained where I was. I didn’t want to be weak. I wanted to see it through. My perception was entirely skewed because I endured situations that made me completely miserable. I had to learn how to identify which situations I should stick with and which ones needed to be excised from my life. Figuring out how to have the courage to walk away from circumstances that made me unhappy turned into one of my biggest strengths.

Taking a Stand for What Works for You

Breaking the cycle and taking a stand for what works for you doesn’t mean being confrontational, but it does mean communicating what you want and what you need. Avoiding telling people what you want is only going to keep you from moving forward. You will remain in the same situation and people will continue to take advantage of you. At this point, it’s no longer them who is at fault, it’s now on you. This does not excuse how you are treated by others, but it also doesn’t excuse yourself from remaining in a situation you don’t want to be in.

Stick with the Decision, It Will Get Easier

At first taking that step can seem impossible, but once you get over that fear, it only gets easier-after all, breaking the cycle isn’t an overnight thing.  The quicker you decide to face that fear and move past it, the faster you will be crossing things off of your life’s To-Do-List. Think about this; the more you do things, the quicker they become a habit

Be Consistent with Your Decisions

Consistency has become an important word in my vocabulary. It’s something that I have struggled with maintaining throughout my life and something I am now conscious of everyday. Being consistent with your decision making will give you higher probability in being successful in whatever it is that you do.

Think about all of the negative things you constantly tell yourself:

hate my job. I’m not doing what I want to do, but I don’t know what I want to do. I’m not happyI’m not happy with my relationship. I’m not happy because I’m not in a relationship. I hate my body. My friends suckEverything sucks. I don’t know how to change it.

You do know, you just have to make the decision to do it, and then start.

Imagine taking that time and energy to tell yourself the opposite:

I hate my job, so I am going to start making a list of what I can do to find something better. I’m not happy, so I am going to start doing more things that make ME happy.

I don’t know what I want to do, so I am going to brainstorm things that interest me.

I’m not happy with my relationship, so I am going to communicate more with my partner about what makes ME happy and what I need from a relationship while taking into consideration what they need as well.

I want to be in a relationship, I know it will happen when it happens, so I need to use this time to focus on myself and do the things that make ME happy.

I’m not happy with my body, so I am going to start taking the steps to change that.

I will not be too hard on myself, I will allow myself to enjoy my journey.

I don’t like my friends, so I am going to start surrounding myself with more like-minded people that make me feel good and encourage me to be the best version of myself that I can be.

Everything does not suck. Everything only sucks if I say it sucks which I am no longer going to say.

Get out of Your Head and into a Better Way of Thinking

Your mind has been trained to think a certain way and it can be retrained. Think of all the years you have been so hard on yourself. It could take you weeks, months, maybe years to completely break the cycle, but no matter the amount of time, learning how to love yourself is worth all of the time you have to give. Be consistent with being positive and building yourself up, because no one can do that for you, it comes from within.

You don’t have to look back and say to yourself- shoulda, coulda, woulda. You can be that person that looks back and smiles at how far you’ve come. So start thinking more about what works for you. Speak up! Communicate it! Start doing the things that make you happy; because once you do, you will immediately benefit. You’ll find yourself exposed to things that would have never of happened if you remained inside your comfort zone.

It’s time to break the cycle!

" } ["wfw"]=> array(1) { ["commentrss"]=> string(79) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/04/06/breaking-the-cycle-of-bad-decisions/feed/" } ["slash"]=> array(1) { ["comments"]=> string(1) "0" } ["summary"]=> string(362) "Breaking the cycle of bad decisions isn’t easy. If you’re like me, you’ve developed the bad habit of repeating the same detrimental situations because you: Don’t ask enough of the right questions. Don’t pay enough attention to detail. Don’t properly weigh the pros and cons of each opportunity before you accept it. Don’t communicate your […]" ["atom_content"]=> string(6293) "

Breaking the cycle of bad decisions isn’t easy. If you’re like me, you’ve developed the bad habit of repeating the same detrimental situations because you:

Don’t ask enough of the right questions.

Don’t pay enough attention to detail.

Don’t properly weigh the pros and cons of each opportunity before you accept it.

Don’t communicate your specific needs in the given situation.

Doing these things quickly lands you in the position of a doormat or in yet another situation that could have been easily avoided with just a little foresight. Now you’re saddled with a new responsibility that will consume your precious time. Here are some tips to get you into a new mindset and help you with breaking the cycle:

Once Things Stop Making Sense, Stop Doing Them

When breaking the cycle there is a big difference between giving up when things get tough and recognizing a toxic situation and staying away from it.

“Part of being a winner is knowing when enough is enough. Sometimes you have to give up the fight and walk away, and move on to something that’s more productive.” ~Donald Trump

I used to think that if I walked away that I was avoiding the problem rather than trying to solve it – so I remained where I was. I didn’t want to be weak. I wanted to see it through. My perception was entirely skewed because I endured situations that made me completely miserable. I had to learn how to identify which situations I should stick with and which ones needed to be excised from my life. Figuring out how to have the courage to walk away from circumstances that made me unhappy turned into one of my biggest strengths.

Taking a Stand for What Works for You

Breaking the cycle and taking a stand for what works for you doesn’t mean being confrontational, but it does mean communicating what you want and what you need. Avoiding telling people what you want is only going to keep you from moving forward. You will remain in the same situation and people will continue to take advantage of you. At this point, it’s no longer them who is at fault, it’s now on you. This does not excuse how you are treated by others, but it also doesn’t excuse yourself from remaining in a situation you don’t want to be in.

Stick with the Decision, It Will Get Easier

At first taking that step can seem impossible, but once you get over that fear, it only gets easier-after all, breaking the cycle isn’t an overnight thing.  The quicker you decide to face that fear and move past it, the faster you will be crossing things off of your life’s To-Do-List. Think about this; the more you do things, the quicker they become a habit

Be Consistent with Your Decisions

Consistency has become an important word in my vocabulary. It’s something that I have struggled with maintaining throughout my life and something I am now conscious of everyday. Being consistent with your decision making will give you higher probability in being successful in whatever it is that you do.

Think about all of the negative things you constantly tell yourself:

hate my job. I’m not doing what I want to do, but I don’t know what I want to do. I’m not happyI’m not happy with my relationship. I’m not happy because I’m not in a relationship. I hate my body. My friends suckEverything sucks. I don’t know how to change it.

You do know, you just have to make the decision to do it, and then start.

Imagine taking that time and energy to tell yourself the opposite:

I hate my job, so I am going to start making a list of what I can do to find something better. I’m not happy, so I am going to start doing more things that make ME happy.

I don’t know what I want to do, so I am going to brainstorm things that interest me.

I’m not happy with my relationship, so I am going to communicate more with my partner about what makes ME happy and what I need from a relationship while taking into consideration what they need as well.

I want to be in a relationship, I know it will happen when it happens, so I need to use this time to focus on myself and do the things that make ME happy.

I’m not happy with my body, so I am going to start taking the steps to change that.

I will not be too hard on myself, I will allow myself to enjoy my journey.

I don’t like my friends, so I am going to start surrounding myself with more like-minded people that make me feel good and encourage me to be the best version of myself that I can be.

Everything does not suck. Everything only sucks if I say it sucks which I am no longer going to say.

Get out of Your Head and into a Better Way of Thinking

Your mind has been trained to think a certain way and it can be retrained. Think of all the years you have been so hard on yourself. It could take you weeks, months, maybe years to completely break the cycle, but no matter the amount of time, learning how to love yourself is worth all of the time you have to give. Be consistent with being positive and building yourself up, because no one can do that for you, it comes from within.

You don’t have to look back and say to yourself- shoulda, coulda, woulda. You can be that person that looks back and smiles at how far you’ve come. So start thinking more about what works for you. Speak up! Communicate it! Start doing the things that make you happy; because once you do, you will immediately benefit. You’ll find yourself exposed to things that would have never of happened if you remained inside your comfort zone.

It’s time to break the cycle!

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1586199784) } [1]=> array(14) { ["title"]=> string(38) "Advice From Your GBF (Gay Best Friend)" ["link"]=> string(75) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/04/06/advice-from-your-gbf-gay-best-friend/" ["comments"]=> string(83) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/04/06/advice-from-your-gbf-gay-best-friend/#respond" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 06 Apr 2020 18:44:10 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(10) "Andrew Tch" } ["category"]=> string(19) "Relationship Advice" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=4593" ["description"]=> string(333) "Being gay has taught me a lot of things. I’ve had the privilege of seeing my girl friends go in and out of relationships, both good and bad, as well as having some of my own. Over the years, I’ve reminded myself to avoid certain behaviors I’ve witnessed in close friends in their relationships that seemed damaging. […]" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(6487) "

Being gay has taught me a lot of things. I’ve had the privilege of seeing my girl friends go in and out of relationships, both good and bad, as well as having some of my own. Over the years, I’ve reminded myself to avoid certain behaviors I’ve witnessed in close friends in their relationships that seemed damaging. As your gay best friend, I’m sharing the following tidbits of advice so that your relationship or love life can be the best it can be. You’re welcome.

Men Are Not Mind Readers           

Even the most empathetic people have trouble “reading” people, so don’t assume your significant other can tell when you’re upset or unhappy with a decision he has made. Just because they don’t pick up on your social cues – a frowny face or puppy dog eyes – doesn’t mean they don’t care for you.

Just Say It Already

Stop beating around the bush with your communication and say what’s really on your mind. Better communication makes for a better relationship. That’s obvious. If you’re annoyed at something, say it. If you’re upset at something your significant other did, communicate that.

Texting Is Not Appropriate for All Conversations

A lot of things get misconstrued over text messaging, so pick up the phone or talk face-to-face. For example, if you say via text that you’re not mad but really you’re just waiting for him to realize what he did wrong, he won’t. And don’t hold it against him later.

Don’t Play Coy

If you don’t show interest in a guy hoping he’ll come running after you, he probably won’t. This isn’t high school anymore. Just be honest and upfront about how you feel so no one’s time is wasted.

Everyone Needs Some Alone/Friend Time

Stop getting mad if your man wants to spend some time with his friends or goes golfing once in a while. It’s not that he doesn’t want to spend time with you, he just wants some “me” time. Relatedly, if anger or frustration at your man in situations like these stems from distrust, you should probably do some hard thinking about the relationship.

Life Isn’t a Nicholas Sparks Book

This is self-explanatory. I’m not saying to lower your expectations; just remember that most of those stories are fiction, and not every man is an intellectual George Clooney. Your boyfriend might someday show up at your door and whisk you away when you’re in a bad mood, but don’t hold it against him if he doesn’t.

Learn to Let Things Go

Life is too short! Learn to let go of little things and the petty shit that just isn’t that important. I know, some of you might be saying, “If it’s important to me, then it’s important,” but in the big scheme of things, it’s probably not worth the fight that will ensue between you and your partner. And stop holding things against your partner that happened in the past. It’s over.

We Are ALL Emotional Beings

Men have feelings too, trust me. We get sad, depressed, etc. just like women. Don’t ever assume things don’t bother men as much – some of us are just better at hiding it. And we even take things personally sometimes. We’re not as cold-hearted as some of you may think.

Never Let a Guy Tell You What You Can/Can’t Do

You are allowed to pursue your dream career, see your friends, and take up opportunities thrown your way. Don’t ever let a guy control your decisions, and if that is your current case – get out. You don’t want to be with someone who tries to control you – no matter what.

Let’s take a look at what some Hollywood hotties have said about dating and relationships:

Revealing marital issues with wife Mariah Carey in a recent interview, it appears Nick Cannon might be ready to move forward as an eligible bachelor. Cannon admitted that he prefers “a strong woman. I like somebody who knows what they want and getting right to it. That makes a lot of sense for me. And so I welcome that, or ‘welcomed’ that.”

“Throw in the towel right off the bat. Women argue in ways that aren’t rational to men.” —Nick Lachey

“The best love advice I’ve ever received is probably, ‘I’m not leaving the relationship; I’m just leaving the house.’” – Joe Manganiello

“I’m quite sensitive to women. I saw how my sister got treated by boyfriends. I read this thing that said when you are in a relationship with a woman, imagine how you would feel if you were her father. That’s been my approach, for the most part.” – Orlando Bloom

“Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation.” – Oscar Wilde

No one is perfect, and we all make mistakes and will continue to make mistakes in our relationships. However, if we learn from mistakes we have made, or heed advice from others, we can make life easier and more enjoyable for both parties. Feel free to write me (your gay best friend) with any questions you have about your man or just in general, and I’ll address it in upcoming posts. Sometimes it’s better to ask someone who’s not a woman.

" } ["wfw"]=> array(1) { ["commentrss"]=> string(80) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/04/06/advice-from-your-gbf-gay-best-friend/feed/" } ["slash"]=> array(1) { ["comments"]=> string(1) "0" } ["summary"]=> string(333) "Being gay has taught me a lot of things. I’ve had the privilege of seeing my girl friends go in and out of relationships, both good and bad, as well as having some of my own. Over the years, I’ve reminded myself to avoid certain behaviors I’ve witnessed in close friends in their relationships that seemed damaging. […]" ["atom_content"]=> string(6487) "

Being gay has taught me a lot of things. I’ve had the privilege of seeing my girl friends go in and out of relationships, both good and bad, as well as having some of my own. Over the years, I’ve reminded myself to avoid certain behaviors I’ve witnessed in close friends in their relationships that seemed damaging. As your gay best friend, I’m sharing the following tidbits of advice so that your relationship or love life can be the best it can be. You’re welcome.

Men Are Not Mind Readers           

Even the most empathetic people have trouble “reading” people, so don’t assume your significant other can tell when you’re upset or unhappy with a decision he has made. Just because they don’t pick up on your social cues – a frowny face or puppy dog eyes – doesn’t mean they don’t care for you.

Just Say It Already

Stop beating around the bush with your communication and say what’s really on your mind. Better communication makes for a better relationship. That’s obvious. If you’re annoyed at something, say it. If you’re upset at something your significant other did, communicate that.

Texting Is Not Appropriate for All Conversations

A lot of things get misconstrued over text messaging, so pick up the phone or talk face-to-face. For example, if you say via text that you’re not mad but really you’re just waiting for him to realize what he did wrong, he won’t. And don’t hold it against him later.

Don’t Play Coy

If you don’t show interest in a guy hoping he’ll come running after you, he probably won’t. This isn’t high school anymore. Just be honest and upfront about how you feel so no one’s time is wasted.

Everyone Needs Some Alone/Friend Time

Stop getting mad if your man wants to spend some time with his friends or goes golfing once in a while. It’s not that he doesn’t want to spend time with you, he just wants some “me” time. Relatedly, if anger or frustration at your man in situations like these stems from distrust, you should probably do some hard thinking about the relationship.

Life Isn’t a Nicholas Sparks Book

This is self-explanatory. I’m not saying to lower your expectations; just remember that most of those stories are fiction, and not every man is an intellectual George Clooney. Your boyfriend might someday show up at your door and whisk you away when you’re in a bad mood, but don’t hold it against him if he doesn’t.

Learn to Let Things Go

Life is too short! Learn to let go of little things and the petty shit that just isn’t that important. I know, some of you might be saying, “If it’s important to me, then it’s important,” but in the big scheme of things, it’s probably not worth the fight that will ensue between you and your partner. And stop holding things against your partner that happened in the past. It’s over.

We Are ALL Emotional Beings

Men have feelings too, trust me. We get sad, depressed, etc. just like women. Don’t ever assume things don’t bother men as much – some of us are just better at hiding it. And we even take things personally sometimes. We’re not as cold-hearted as some of you may think.

Never Let a Guy Tell You What You Can/Can’t Do

You are allowed to pursue your dream career, see your friends, and take up opportunities thrown your way. Don’t ever let a guy control your decisions, and if that is your current case – get out. You don’t want to be with someone who tries to control you – no matter what.

Let’s take a look at what some Hollywood hotties have said about dating and relationships:

Revealing marital issues with wife Mariah Carey in a recent interview, it appears Nick Cannon might be ready to move forward as an eligible bachelor. Cannon admitted that he prefers “a strong woman. I like somebody who knows what they want and getting right to it. That makes a lot of sense for me. And so I welcome that, or ‘welcomed’ that.”

“Throw in the towel right off the bat. Women argue in ways that aren’t rational to men.” —Nick Lachey

“The best love advice I’ve ever received is probably, ‘I’m not leaving the relationship; I’m just leaving the house.’” – Joe Manganiello

“I’m quite sensitive to women. I saw how my sister got treated by boyfriends. I read this thing that said when you are in a relationship with a woman, imagine how you would feel if you were her father. That’s been my approach, for the most part.” – Orlando Bloom

“Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation.” – Oscar Wilde

No one is perfect, and we all make mistakes and will continue to make mistakes in our relationships. However, if we learn from mistakes we have made, or heed advice from others, we can make life easier and more enjoyable for both parties. Feel free to write me (your gay best friend) with any questions you have about your man or just in general, and I’ll address it in upcoming posts. Sometimes it’s better to ask someone who’s not a woman.

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1586198650) } [2]=> array(11) { ["title"]=> string(42) "How Pulling Away Can Save Your Marriage…" ["link"]=> string(78) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/04/06/how-pulling-away-can-save-your-marriage/" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 06 Apr 2020 16:16:17 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(9) "Alex Wise" } ["category"]=> string(8) "Marriage" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=4590" ["description"]=> string(315) "Do you know what a great marriage looks like? Two people come together to share their lives and their love with each other. Both partners are invested in the marriage, doing the work they need to so the relationship thrives. They develop an ever closer bond and grow old together. Right? How nice would it […]" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(10683) "

Do you know what a great marriage looks like?

Two people come together to share their lives and their love with each other. Both partners are invested in the marriage, doing the work they need to so the relationship thrives. They develop an ever closer bond and grow old together. Right?

How nice would it be to achieve that happy state? It would be pretty great wouldn’t it? So you’d think I would start out this newsletter writing about that ideal image wouldn’t you?

But I haven’t and I won’t…

In a paradoxical twist, I have decided to write my very first issue on a totally different topic. On that is actually more common than I’d wish.to acknlowledge.

I want to teach you how to save your marriage by yourself…

You see, many people contact me almost out of gas. They are at the point of giving up. They don’t know what they can do to get their spouse involved in their relationship. As a result they end up feeling utterly…

HOPELESS!

When a marriage is in trouble, one person is often more invested in working it out than the other (and a lot of marriages out there are in trouble.)

The first step toward the ideal future described above is solving the problems you face in your relationship now.

So this is a question I often get from clients who want to recreate their marriage but are frustrated with a spouse that doesn’t seem as involved as they are.

They come in and say, “I want to rebuild my relationship, but I’m not sure how to get my partner involved. How can I start saving my relationship by myself?”

The women usually know what I’m talking about. because it’s usually the woman who has the investment (and foresight) to see why the relationship is important enough to work for. She wants to save her marriage because she knows she has put her heart and her life’s work into it.

Unfortunately men often don’t understand that until it’s too late. When they finally do figure it out they end up devastated.

So it’s a benefit to both of you if you can start the process of saving your relationship right now on your own. That’s why I’m going to teach you how to do it.

If you feel the love is fading away, and worry your relationship is on the brink of destruction you basically have two options.

Saving Your Marriage By Yourself Option # 1:

The first is to step up your own commitment to the relationship. You can try to give it everything it needs to thrive by yourself. Step up the loving kindness you’ve already shown your partner to another level. Give everything you have to the relationship.

Feed it with your very soul.

Now if you’re the person who is trying to save the relationship, you’ve probably been providing most of what the relationship needs to survive already. And giving any more may sound like a daunting prospect.

That’s because it IS a daunting prospect. It’s almost impossible for one person to provide everything a relationship needs to survive.

If you choose to go this route you might turn your partner around. He may finally wake up, see what you’ve been doing all these years, and realize that he has to step up his own commitment to match yours.

But how likely is that? If you’re in this situation and you’re trying to save your relationship by yourself, how likely is it that your husband will finally open his eyes and see all the love and care you’ve been pouring out?

I’ll tell you, it’s not terribly likely.

In fact, you might even make the situation worse. He may pull away even more when he sees you’re doing all the work. When this happens you’ve taken a bad situation and made it worse.

In my opinion, this first option is not the best one you have. It’s a route some people take, and in some cases it works. But in most cases it doesn’t, and people end up even more disappointed, exhausted, and frustrated than they were before.

However, there’s a technique you can use that will help you achieve your goal more effectively and efficiently. It’s something I teach my clients to use when they ask me how to save their relationship. It can be wrapped up in a single sentence:

Saving Your Marriage By Yourself Option # 2:

Draw away and make yourself a mystery.

Yes, you read that sentence correctly. I know. It sounds like another paradox. How could I possibly suggest that you draw away from your partner when your marriage is already on the brink?

You’re right to question the logic. This IS yet another paradox. But strategically drawing away from your partner can show him in a very real way exactly why he fell in love with you to begin with. It can teach him what he’d be missing if the relationship actually died.

And that’s exactly what the man in your life needs to know.

So here’s what you do.

Instead of investing even more kindness and love into the relationship, pull away some of your kindness. Stop doing special things for your partner. Inject a little mystery in his life by doing something unexpected.

Make him wonder about what’s changing in you. Remind him of the parts of you he fell in love with in the first place.

This doesn’t mean you want to do something destructive to the relationship like go on a date or have an affair. You’re trying to save your relationship, not kill it.

What you want to do is make yourself mysterious. Add some of the romance back into the relationship by doing things that are sexy and unexpected.

You will also want to make an effort to put your husband in a position to pick up some of the slack in the relationship. Make him do some of the things you’ve been doing by pulling away yourself.

Here are some examples you might try that will help you achieve this without damaging your relationship.

Get dressed up and go out with a close female friend. Leave your partner at home with the kids, and stay out later than you usually would. Don’t freely offer information about where you’ve been or what you’ve been up to.

Come home late from work without bothering to give any explanations.

Start standing up for yourself in arguments or other incidents around the house. Don’t back down or give up too easily.

Act a little flirtatious with the men around you in your partner’s presence. Make sure this doesn’t get out of hand. Just give your partner a taste.

Start exercising, getting in shape, dressing well, and wearing makeup without telling your partner why you’re doing it.

Your partner might retaliate by doing something truly outrageous in order to drag you back into the position of giver you have been playing in the relationship.

For example, he might stay out all night without an explanation or tell you a bald-faced lie to try and get you to respond in ways he has grown to expect you will.

What’s more he will likely try and get information out of you about why you’re behaving the way you are, where you’ve been, and what you’ve been doing.

To pull this off you need to play a pretty careful balancing act. You don’t want to do anything that’s going to hurt the relationship. You just want to act unpredictable enough to remind him what it would mean if he lost the person he’s in love with.

In general, good, healthy relationships are about a free exchange of information. You need to be able to share just about everything with one another to attain the ideal I opened this article with.

But in this case, you want to close down that opening to force your partner to take on some responsibility in the relationship and wake him up about what he would be missing if it were gone.

That means you should give him information, but make him drag it out of you. In the meantime don’t ask him ANYTHING about where he’s been or what he’s been up to. This will make it seem like you aren’t investing much in him or the relationship anymore.

Basically you’re playing a game here. It’s a game that’s built to bait your partner back into the relationship.

For the most part I am opposed to these kinds of games in relationships. It is not what a relationship should be built on.

But then “should” doesn’t have anything to do with it does it? You want to draw your partner back in to your relationship so you can make it wonderful again and this technique will help you do that.

Nevertheless, you have to remember that the game is just a temporary patch. As soon as your partner starts reinvesting in the relationship you need to give up the game all together if you’re going to make your relationship as wonderful as it can be.

Ideally the technique is built to make this happen. It should draw your partner back into the relationship and make him see what he would be missing if you weren’t there. It’s built to help you show him why he fell in love with you in the first place.

Use it in this spirit. Don’t start power tripping or manipulating your partner just because you can. Keep your focus on your goal to rebuild your marriage.

If your partner is going to make the change and move back toward you and your relationship it will usually happen within two weeks of starting this technique. If it doesn’t work in that time, it is less likely it will work at all.

You may feel like you’re acting the part of someone you aren’t. If you feel like a big fake while you’re trying this technique don’t worry about it. It’s perfectly normal to feel this way.

Remember, you’re doing this for your relationship. You get to drop the act as soon as your partner moves back toward the relationship.

Some people have a real problem doing this. They simply can’t bring themselves to act the part of someone they aren’t, or make their partner feel uncomfortable which is part of what happens when this technique is used properly.

That’s why I offer two solutions in this newsletter. The first technique is there in case you really can’t pull off the second.

But if you can manage it, this later technique is much more powerful and has far greater potential to save your relationship.

" } ["summary"]=> string(315) "Do you know what a great marriage looks like? Two people come together to share their lives and their love with each other. Both partners are invested in the marriage, doing the work they need to so the relationship thrives. They develop an ever closer bond and grow old together. Right? How nice would it […]" ["atom_content"]=> string(10683) "

Do you know what a great marriage looks like?

Two people come together to share their lives and their love with each other. Both partners are invested in the marriage, doing the work they need to so the relationship thrives. They develop an ever closer bond and grow old together. Right?

How nice would it be to achieve that happy state? It would be pretty great wouldn’t it? So you’d think I would start out this newsletter writing about that ideal image wouldn’t you?

But I haven’t and I won’t…

In a paradoxical twist, I have decided to write my very first issue on a totally different topic. On that is actually more common than I’d wish.to acknlowledge.

I want to teach you how to save your marriage by yourself…

You see, many people contact me almost out of gas. They are at the point of giving up. They don’t know what they can do to get their spouse involved in their relationship. As a result they end up feeling utterly…

HOPELESS!

When a marriage is in trouble, one person is often more invested in working it out than the other (and a lot of marriages out there are in trouble.)

The first step toward the ideal future described above is solving the problems you face in your relationship now.

So this is a question I often get from clients who want to recreate their marriage but are frustrated with a spouse that doesn’t seem as involved as they are.

They come in and say, “I want to rebuild my relationship, but I’m not sure how to get my partner involved. How can I start saving my relationship by myself?”

The women usually know what I’m talking about. because it’s usually the woman who has the investment (and foresight) to see why the relationship is important enough to work for. She wants to save her marriage because she knows she has put her heart and her life’s work into it.

Unfortunately men often don’t understand that until it’s too late. When they finally do figure it out they end up devastated.

So it’s a benefit to both of you if you can start the process of saving your relationship right now on your own. That’s why I’m going to teach you how to do it.

If you feel the love is fading away, and worry your relationship is on the brink of destruction you basically have two options.

Saving Your Marriage By Yourself Option # 1:

The first is to step up your own commitment to the relationship. You can try to give it everything it needs to thrive by yourself. Step up the loving kindness you’ve already shown your partner to another level. Give everything you have to the relationship.

Feed it with your very soul.

Now if you’re the person who is trying to save the relationship, you’ve probably been providing most of what the relationship needs to survive already. And giving any more may sound like a daunting prospect.

That’s because it IS a daunting prospect. It’s almost impossible for one person to provide everything a relationship needs to survive.

If you choose to go this route you might turn your partner around. He may finally wake up, see what you’ve been doing all these years, and realize that he has to step up his own commitment to match yours.

But how likely is that? If you’re in this situation and you’re trying to save your relationship by yourself, how likely is it that your husband will finally open his eyes and see all the love and care you’ve been pouring out?

I’ll tell you, it’s not terribly likely.

In fact, you might even make the situation worse. He may pull away even more when he sees you’re doing all the work. When this happens you’ve taken a bad situation and made it worse.

In my opinion, this first option is not the best one you have. It’s a route some people take, and in some cases it works. But in most cases it doesn’t, and people end up even more disappointed, exhausted, and frustrated than they were before.

However, there’s a technique you can use that will help you achieve your goal more effectively and efficiently. It’s something I teach my clients to use when they ask me how to save their relationship. It can be wrapped up in a single sentence:

Saving Your Marriage By Yourself Option # 2:

Draw away and make yourself a mystery.

Yes, you read that sentence correctly. I know. It sounds like another paradox. How could I possibly suggest that you draw away from your partner when your marriage is already on the brink?

You’re right to question the logic. This IS yet another paradox. But strategically drawing away from your partner can show him in a very real way exactly why he fell in love with you to begin with. It can teach him what he’d be missing if the relationship actually died.

And that’s exactly what the man in your life needs to know.

So here’s what you do.

Instead of investing even more kindness and love into the relationship, pull away some of your kindness. Stop doing special things for your partner. Inject a little mystery in his life by doing something unexpected.

Make him wonder about what’s changing in you. Remind him of the parts of you he fell in love with in the first place.

This doesn’t mean you want to do something destructive to the relationship like go on a date or have an affair. You’re trying to save your relationship, not kill it.

What you want to do is make yourself mysterious. Add some of the romance back into the relationship by doing things that are sexy and unexpected.

You will also want to make an effort to put your husband in a position to pick up some of the slack in the relationship. Make him do some of the things you’ve been doing by pulling away yourself.

Here are some examples you might try that will help you achieve this without damaging your relationship.

Get dressed up and go out with a close female friend. Leave your partner at home with the kids, and stay out later than you usually would. Don’t freely offer information about where you’ve been or what you’ve been up to.

Come home late from work without bothering to give any explanations.

Start standing up for yourself in arguments or other incidents around the house. Don’t back down or give up too easily.

Act a little flirtatious with the men around you in your partner’s presence. Make sure this doesn’t get out of hand. Just give your partner a taste.

Start exercising, getting in shape, dressing well, and wearing makeup without telling your partner why you’re doing it.

Your partner might retaliate by doing something truly outrageous in order to drag you back into the position of giver you have been playing in the relationship.

For example, he might stay out all night without an explanation or tell you a bald-faced lie to try and get you to respond in ways he has grown to expect you will.

What’s more he will likely try and get information out of you about why you’re behaving the way you are, where you’ve been, and what you’ve been doing.

To pull this off you need to play a pretty careful balancing act. You don’t want to do anything that’s going to hurt the relationship. You just want to act unpredictable enough to remind him what it would mean if he lost the person he’s in love with.

In general, good, healthy relationships are about a free exchange of information. You need to be able to share just about everything with one another to attain the ideal I opened this article with.

But in this case, you want to close down that opening to force your partner to take on some responsibility in the relationship and wake him up about what he would be missing if it were gone.

That means you should give him information, but make him drag it out of you. In the meantime don’t ask him ANYTHING about where he’s been or what he’s been up to. This will make it seem like you aren’t investing much in him or the relationship anymore.

Basically you’re playing a game here. It’s a game that’s built to bait your partner back into the relationship.

For the most part I am opposed to these kinds of games in relationships. It is not what a relationship should be built on.

But then “should” doesn’t have anything to do with it does it? You want to draw your partner back in to your relationship so you can make it wonderful again and this technique will help you do that.

Nevertheless, you have to remember that the game is just a temporary patch. As soon as your partner starts reinvesting in the relationship you need to give up the game all together if you’re going to make your relationship as wonderful as it can be.

Ideally the technique is built to make this happen. It should draw your partner back into the relationship and make him see what he would be missing if you weren’t there. It’s built to help you show him why he fell in love with you in the first place.

Use it in this spirit. Don’t start power tripping or manipulating your partner just because you can. Keep your focus on your goal to rebuild your marriage.

If your partner is going to make the change and move back toward you and your relationship it will usually happen within two weeks of starting this technique. If it doesn’t work in that time, it is less likely it will work at all.

You may feel like you’re acting the part of someone you aren’t. If you feel like a big fake while you’re trying this technique don’t worry about it. It’s perfectly normal to feel this way.

Remember, you’re doing this for your relationship. You get to drop the act as soon as your partner moves back toward the relationship.

Some people have a real problem doing this. They simply can’t bring themselves to act the part of someone they aren’t, or make their partner feel uncomfortable which is part of what happens when this technique is used properly.

That’s why I offer two solutions in this newsletter. The first technique is there in case you really can’t pull off the second.

But if you can manage it, this later technique is much more powerful and has far greater potential to save your relationship.

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1586189777) } [3]=> array(11) { ["title"]=> string(36) "How to Forgive in an Uncertain World" ["link"]=> string(75) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/04/06/how-to-forgive-in-an-uncertain-world/" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 06 Apr 2020 15:56:15 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(9) "Alex Wise" } ["category"]=> string(102) "Relationship AdviceforgiveForgivenessrebuild marriagerebuild relationshipRebuild the Trusttransparency" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=4584" ["description"]=> string(299) "You want to forgive your spouse. You probably want it more than anything in the world. You want to take the steps necessary so you can move past the awful pain you have endured and toward a relationship that is happy and full of love once more. Perhaps you’ve even done some work on your […]" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(10215) "

You want to forgive your spouse. You probably want it more than anything in the world. You want to take the steps necessary so you can move past the awful pain you have endured and toward a relationship that is happy and full of love once more.

Perhaps you’ve even done some work on your relationship so you can move to that point. Maybe you have started down the path of acceptance and you are ready to move on with your marriage, but there is one thing still holding you back.

You’re terrified that your spouse might betray you again.

How can you forgive your spouse when the horrifying possibility exists that he or she will do it again?

What if you forgive your spouse and your trust is violated again? Are you just supposed to act like a doormat and be walked on forever?

You want to know that your partner won’t ever betray you again before you are fully ready to forgive.

You don’t want to be hurt again. You don’t want to be made to feel like a fool again. And you definitely don’t want to compound your own grief by moving on in your relationship and then finding out your partner’s remorse was just a pretense.

What you want is some assurance that your partner will never, ever do what he or she did again. You want rock solid proof before you are willing to truly let go.

I’d like to be able to tell you I have a way to give that to you. I’d like to say there is a way you can be absolutely certain your spouse will never cheat on you again. But I won’t lie to you. There isn’t a way you can be 100% sure your spouse won’t cheat on you or otherwise betray you again.

Every human being is responsible for his or her own actions. Your spouse has to choose what he or she is going to do. You can’t make personal choices for another person, and, ultimately, you can’t control your spouse’s actions.

That means there is some chance your spouse will repeat the awful behaviors that lead you to this point in your marriage. You can’t control the outcome: only your spouse can, and there is already some evidence that he or she has a leaky character. You aren’t 100% safe from being betrayed again.

What’s more, most people aren’t very good lie detectors. I’m not a good lie detector myself. I never vouch for anyone else’s actions, authenticity, or truthfulness, because I can’t catch a good liar.

You probably can’t either. In fact, studies have shown that even people who are supposed to be excellent lie detectors, like judges, police officers, and even psychologists are generally no better at determining lies from truth than the flip of a coin. Chance is often better.

Unless you undertake very specialized and expensive training, it’s unlikely you will reliably detect lies your spouse tells. Almost no one can do it. I can’t do it either.

That being the case, how can you possibly forgive your spouse and move on with your marriage?

In my experience there is a way. I recommend you move toward forgiveness while accepting the reality that it is possible your spouse will cheat again.

I know that sounds like a contradiction, so let me explain what I mean.

It is possible you will be hurt. That’s a risk we all take when we choose to care about people. They might hurt us. That’s always possible.

The question is how probable it is that your spouse will hurt you again. That’s a very different issue.

If you want to make an educated guess on how likely it is that he or she will cheat on you again, observe the actions your spouse takes to reassure you.

In this article, I will share some of the specific observations to be aware of to help you make your best guess.

After all, it’s only natural that you want to know as much as you can about the reliability and trustworthiness of your spouse before you forgive.

Does Your Spouse Understand Your Pain?

One of the best indications you have that your spouse is re-committing to you is whether or not he or she understands the pain you suffered and are suffering.

When you communicate your pain to your partner, you will want to feel that your partner understands the full ramifications of what he or she did.

Your partner should accept full personal responsibility without hedging or excuses, carry an appropriate level of guilt, and seem committed to making the necessary changes to insure the behavior won’t be repeated. These factors make it less likely your spouse will betray you in the future.

If you don’t have these in place, you need to continue working on your communication skills together.

The level of commitment your spouse has to this emotionally painful process is also an indication, in itself, of the commitment your partner is making.

You probably won’t begin to rebuild confidence in your marriage and your spouse until you are satisfied that he or she understands you pain. If you haven’t gotten to a place where you feel your spouse really understands at a character level, keep working on it. An academic understanding will probably not feel satisfying.

Your spouse will continue engaging in this process with you if he or she is serious about helping you rebuild your confidence and trust.

Consider the Transgression

Another useful bit of information is in the nature of the transgression.

Some behaviors are more likely to happen again. For example, someone who has a record of being offensive in public will probably do it again. That’s not a 100% guarantee, but if there is a history, the probability increases that it will happen again.

Human beings are creatures of habit.

This means a “serial cheater” is more likely to cheat again in the future.

That doesn’t mean your situation is hopeless. It only means it will take that much more work on the part of your spouse to make lasting changes in behavior. Your spouse will have to improve his or her character, and that will take some work.

Responsibility for making these changes lies with the offending party. You can communicate how much pain you are in, but you can’t change your spouse’s beliefs, attitudes, and actions. Only your spouse can do that.

The amount of work your spouse puts into these changes is usually a good indicator for his or her commitment to the relationship.

If your spouse was a serial cheater or has a history of being offensive in public and you can see that he or she is making a real effort to change, it’s more likely he or she will continue, at least in the short run, to be committed to your relationship and to the change he or she is undergoing.

Work on Your Part of the Relationship

Most of what I have been discussing up to this point depends on your spouse. That’s because your spouse is the person who needs to prove he is trustworthy again.

However, there are some things you can do to help improve the likelihood that your spouse will continue to be loyal to you and your relationship.

In many cases the person who was betrayed might discover his or her actions or inactions from before the betrayal contributed to problems in the marriage.

Let’s look at infidelity as an example of this.

First, let me qualify what I am about to say by explaining that according to the wedding vow, you have great flexibility in what you do or don’t do, but the one thing you can’t do is cheat on your spouse.

The wedding vow is a statement of loyalty. Whoever breaks that vow has a leak in his or her character in my opinion, and that person needs to work on repairing this leak if the marriage is going to truly thrive.

Regardless of the wrong your partner did, when you get past the immediate pain from an affair you will look back and probably see things you could have done better in your marriage.

That doesn’t mean the affair was your fault. It wasn’t. The cheater broke the wedding vow. You didn’t. The onus for accepting the blame for that and making the necessary changes to insure it doesn’t happen again lies with the cheater.

It only takes one person to destroy a marriage, but it takes two people working hard to put it back together. When you take action to repair your part of the marriage, you make it more likely that your marriage will succeed and this is the only way you can achieve a relationship that is better than ever.

If you can see a commitment in word and action from your spouse, and you are both working actively to repair your marriage these are the best signs you have that your marriage is in recovery.

There are no guarantees in life and it won’t happen overnight. Building confidence takes time.

But it can happen.

This doesn’t mean “everything is okay and what your spouse did was justifiable.” It isn’t and it wasn’t.

What it means is that you are willing to accept what happened so you can move on with your life together in the hopes of creating a marriage that is better than it was before.

As you approach this point the pain you experience, the images that haunt you, and the memories of that awful time will move to the back of your mind. They won’t disappear entirely. After all, you can’t undo the past. You will always remember that your spouse betrayed you.

But if you are both working hard on your marriage, you will find a way to make this betrayal into an opportunity to repair the problems in your marriage and become closer to your spouse than you ever were before.

" } ["summary"]=> string(299) "You want to forgive your spouse. You probably want it more than anything in the world. You want to take the steps necessary so you can move past the awful pain you have endured and toward a relationship that is happy and full of love once more. Perhaps you’ve even done some work on your […]" ["atom_content"]=> string(10215) "

You want to forgive your spouse. You probably want it more than anything in the world. You want to take the steps necessary so you can move past the awful pain you have endured and toward a relationship that is happy and full of love once more.

Perhaps you’ve even done some work on your relationship so you can move to that point. Maybe you have started down the path of acceptance and you are ready to move on with your marriage, but there is one thing still holding you back.

You’re terrified that your spouse might betray you again.

How can you forgive your spouse when the horrifying possibility exists that he or she will do it again?

What if you forgive your spouse and your trust is violated again? Are you just supposed to act like a doormat and be walked on forever?

You want to know that your partner won’t ever betray you again before you are fully ready to forgive.

You don’t want to be hurt again. You don’t want to be made to feel like a fool again. And you definitely don’t want to compound your own grief by moving on in your relationship and then finding out your partner’s remorse was just a pretense.

What you want is some assurance that your partner will never, ever do what he or she did again. You want rock solid proof before you are willing to truly let go.

I’d like to be able to tell you I have a way to give that to you. I’d like to say there is a way you can be absolutely certain your spouse will never cheat on you again. But I won’t lie to you. There isn’t a way you can be 100% sure your spouse won’t cheat on you or otherwise betray you again.

Every human being is responsible for his or her own actions. Your spouse has to choose what he or she is going to do. You can’t make personal choices for another person, and, ultimately, you can’t control your spouse’s actions.

That means there is some chance your spouse will repeat the awful behaviors that lead you to this point in your marriage. You can’t control the outcome: only your spouse can, and there is already some evidence that he or she has a leaky character. You aren’t 100% safe from being betrayed again.

What’s more, most people aren’t very good lie detectors. I’m not a good lie detector myself. I never vouch for anyone else’s actions, authenticity, or truthfulness, because I can’t catch a good liar.

You probably can’t either. In fact, studies have shown that even people who are supposed to be excellent lie detectors, like judges, police officers, and even psychologists are generally no better at determining lies from truth than the flip of a coin. Chance is often better.

Unless you undertake very specialized and expensive training, it’s unlikely you will reliably detect lies your spouse tells. Almost no one can do it. I can’t do it either.

That being the case, how can you possibly forgive your spouse and move on with your marriage?

In my experience there is a way. I recommend you move toward forgiveness while accepting the reality that it is possible your spouse will cheat again.

I know that sounds like a contradiction, so let me explain what I mean.

It is possible you will be hurt. That’s a risk we all take when we choose to care about people. They might hurt us. That’s always possible.

The question is how probable it is that your spouse will hurt you again. That’s a very different issue.

If you want to make an educated guess on how likely it is that he or she will cheat on you again, observe the actions your spouse takes to reassure you.

In this article, I will share some of the specific observations to be aware of to help you make your best guess.

After all, it’s only natural that you want to know as much as you can about the reliability and trustworthiness of your spouse before you forgive.

Does Your Spouse Understand Your Pain?

One of the best indications you have that your spouse is re-committing to you is whether or not he or she understands the pain you suffered and are suffering.

When you communicate your pain to your partner, you will want to feel that your partner understands the full ramifications of what he or she did.

Your partner should accept full personal responsibility without hedging or excuses, carry an appropriate level of guilt, and seem committed to making the necessary changes to insure the behavior won’t be repeated. These factors make it less likely your spouse will betray you in the future.

If you don’t have these in place, you need to continue working on your communication skills together.

The level of commitment your spouse has to this emotionally painful process is also an indication, in itself, of the commitment your partner is making.

You probably won’t begin to rebuild confidence in your marriage and your spouse until you are satisfied that he or she understands you pain. If you haven’t gotten to a place where you feel your spouse really understands at a character level, keep working on it. An academic understanding will probably not feel satisfying.

Your spouse will continue engaging in this process with you if he or she is serious about helping you rebuild your confidence and trust.

Consider the Transgression

Another useful bit of information is in the nature of the transgression.

Some behaviors are more likely to happen again. For example, someone who has a record of being offensive in public will probably do it again. That’s not a 100% guarantee, but if there is a history, the probability increases that it will happen again.

Human beings are creatures of habit.

This means a “serial cheater” is more likely to cheat again in the future.

That doesn’t mean your situation is hopeless. It only means it will take that much more work on the part of your spouse to make lasting changes in behavior. Your spouse will have to improve his or her character, and that will take some work.

Responsibility for making these changes lies with the offending party. You can communicate how much pain you are in, but you can’t change your spouse’s beliefs, attitudes, and actions. Only your spouse can do that.

The amount of work your spouse puts into these changes is usually a good indicator for his or her commitment to the relationship.

If your spouse was a serial cheater or has a history of being offensive in public and you can see that he or she is making a real effort to change, it’s more likely he or she will continue, at least in the short run, to be committed to your relationship and to the change he or she is undergoing.

Work on Your Part of the Relationship

Most of what I have been discussing up to this point depends on your spouse. That’s because your spouse is the person who needs to prove he is trustworthy again.

However, there are some things you can do to help improve the likelihood that your spouse will continue to be loyal to you and your relationship.

In many cases the person who was betrayed might discover his or her actions or inactions from before the betrayal contributed to problems in the marriage.

Let’s look at infidelity as an example of this.

First, let me qualify what I am about to say by explaining that according to the wedding vow, you have great flexibility in what you do or don’t do, but the one thing you can’t do is cheat on your spouse.

The wedding vow is a statement of loyalty. Whoever breaks that vow has a leak in his or her character in my opinion, and that person needs to work on repairing this leak if the marriage is going to truly thrive.

Regardless of the wrong your partner did, when you get past the immediate pain from an affair you will look back and probably see things you could have done better in your marriage.

That doesn’t mean the affair was your fault. It wasn’t. The cheater broke the wedding vow. You didn’t. The onus for accepting the blame for that and making the necessary changes to insure it doesn’t happen again lies with the cheater.

It only takes one person to destroy a marriage, but it takes two people working hard to put it back together. When you take action to repair your part of the marriage, you make it more likely that your marriage will succeed and this is the only way you can achieve a relationship that is better than ever.

If you can see a commitment in word and action from your spouse, and you are both working actively to repair your marriage these are the best signs you have that your marriage is in recovery.

There are no guarantees in life and it won’t happen overnight. Building confidence takes time.

But it can happen.

This doesn’t mean “everything is okay and what your spouse did was justifiable.” It isn’t and it wasn’t.

What it means is that you are willing to accept what happened so you can move on with your life together in the hopes of creating a marriage that is better than it was before.

As you approach this point the pain you experience, the images that haunt you, and the memories of that awful time will move to the back of your mind. They won’t disappear entirely. After all, you can’t undo the past. You will always remember that your spouse betrayed you.

But if you are both working hard on your marriage, you will find a way to make this betrayal into an opportunity to repair the problems in your marriage and become closer to your spouse than you ever were before.

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1586188575) } [4]=> array(11) { ["title"]=> string(47) "How Much Do You and Your Spouse Talk at Dinner?" ["link"]=> string(85) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/04/06/how-much-do-you-and-your-spouse-talk-at-dinner/" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 06 Apr 2020 15:42:01 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(9) "Alex Wise" } ["category"]=> string(156) "Relationship Advicecommunicatecommunicate with your spousecommunicationrebuild communicationrebuild your relationshipSave Your Marriagetalk with your spouse" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=4580" ["description"]=> string(303) "Last week I watched an elderly couple at a restaurant. I sat down almost the same time they did and for an hour… I only saw them say maybe 10 words. Is that you? A small study involving 500 married couples revealed a startling pattern: the longer a couple was married, the fewer minutes they […]" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(7709) "

Last week I watched an elderly couple at a restaurant. I sat down almost the same time they did and for an hour… I only saw them say maybe 10 words.

Is that you?

A small study involving 500 married couples revealed a startling pattern: the longer a couple was married, the fewer minutes they spent talking at the dinner table.

Unfortunately, this didn’t mean they were talking anywhere else instead. They just weren’t talking at all. Is your marriage experiencing something similar, with communication dwindling from the early years’ gusher to the now-familiar drip?

This form of neglect—and forgotten ability to talk—is actually a major issue that needs your attention. If the lack of interaction the elderly couple mentioned above experienced resembles you and your spouse, you’re about to learn how to turn that around—starting tonight at the dinner table. But read on for the surprising results of this little study.

Benign Neglect Can Destroy Your Marriage

Couples who had been married for various lengths of time (some married a year, others for over 50 years), were surveyed on how much time they averaged talking with one another during a typical dinner.

The following results show a correlation between how long a couple has been married and how much time was spent in conversation:

One year: 40 minutes

Ten years: 29 minutes

Twenty years: 21 minutes

Thirty years: 16 minutes

50 years: less than 3 minutes

What’s happening, or more accurately—not happening—here? And, why is it a problem?

The longer you’ve been married, the more likely you are to feel like you know everything there is to know about your spouse. You may think that you’ve already said everything there is to say.

This is a form of benign neglect: communication efforts become lax as the relationship settles into comfortable familiarity. But what begins as a relaxation in your communication efforts can quickly become malignant—compromising the very foundation of your marriage. This is when you start to think, “We no longer have anything in common,” and “We don’t connect anymore.”

You’re right: you don’t connect anymore. Three minutes at dinner does not make a connection. But, it’s not irreversible. You can learn how to spark up conversation with your spouse again. Let me explain …

When You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling…

If communication with your spouse has slowed to a trickle, the emotional connection between you may dissolve. You don’t feel connected to your husband or wife because one—or both—of you is no longer making the effort.

But if you want to affair-proof your marriage, you need to warm up the lines of communication.

Step 1: Take Stock of Your Conversational Content

Think about the last five verbal exchanges you’ve shared with your spouse. Categorize them as such:

A: Deep, meaningful exchanges about individual goals, mutual goals and sharing future plans; discussing news events, articles, movies, art and/or books.

B: Deciding what to have for dinner and who will clean up, and other chore-like topics.

No one is grading you, so be honest and see under which category your last five conversations fall.

Step 2: Decide to Boost Your “A” Game

It shouldn’t come as any surprise that if your last several conversations with your husband or wife ended up on the non-titillating “B” end of the spectrum, you have some work to do.

What would you be more likely to attend: a movie with meaning, or a movie about two people splitting up the chore list? Make the conscious decision as to which of these scenarios your marriage will resemble in the very near future. Give it some thought, and come prepared to surprise your spouse with the unexpected.

Step 3: Commit to More

Set high expectations for your marriage and the ability of you and your spouse to communicate at an “A” level. For your next several conversations, have some ideas prepared for topics you’d like to bring up with your spouse. Travel the unbeaten path here… to be a successful conversationalist with anyone—including your spouse—you have to work at being interesting.

Also, I recommend you bring up positive, or at least neutral, topics, rather than starting a conversation about the lawn care your spouse has been neglecting or the need for some more help with the household chores.

This may also be advice you will want to follow if you’re dealing with an affair. As you know, the details of an affair are a different conversation, one that Dr. Gunzburg recommends you prepare for and handle differently than you would any other conversation. And if you are living under the same roof as your spouse, you probably don’t want to talk about the affair every time a conversation strikes up.

You also might not want to channel your anger and pain into a conversation about mowing the grass. Finding topics outside of the mundane, that help to move your relationship past the affair, may help strengthen and repair your marriage by lessening the power of those affair details.

Here are a few conversation starters to launch your efforts:

  1. If you could live anywhere else, where would you go, and why?
  2. What would your “dream” job be?
  3. Who do you think is going to win the World Series (or anything specific to the interests of your spouse)?

Discussing topics like this with your spouse can dial the clock past the 3-minute mark. But even more important, these conversation starters dig deeper than the routine, “How was your day, honey?”

The study mentioned above focused on the length of time couples spend communicating at the dinner table, but what is more valuable to your relationship with your spouse is the quality of that communication. When you develop things to talk about that go beyond laundry, the time you spend talking will more than likely lengthen.

The true boost to your relationship is that you’ll ignite a closer connection between you. It’s never too late to take your marriage from ho-hum (or dead-on-arrival) to reinvigorated and thriving.

Now I’d love to hear from you.

What are your ideas for getting the conversation going in a positive direction tonight?

What topics have you successfully engaged in with your spouse recently that moved conversation from ho-hum to fascinating?

Are the two of you able to talk at all right now? If not, what’s holding you back?

If you are trying to work through your spouse’s affair, do you think it will help your efforts to steer the conversation a step beyond that period in time?

Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.

" } ["summary"]=> string(303) "Last week I watched an elderly couple at a restaurant. I sat down almost the same time they did and for an hour… I only saw them say maybe 10 words. Is that you? A small study involving 500 married couples revealed a startling pattern: the longer a couple was married, the fewer minutes they […]" ["atom_content"]=> string(7709) "

Last week I watched an elderly couple at a restaurant. I sat down almost the same time they did and for an hour… I only saw them say maybe 10 words.

Is that you?

A small study involving 500 married couples revealed a startling pattern: the longer a couple was married, the fewer minutes they spent talking at the dinner table.

Unfortunately, this didn’t mean they were talking anywhere else instead. They just weren’t talking at all. Is your marriage experiencing something similar, with communication dwindling from the early years’ gusher to the now-familiar drip?

This form of neglect—and forgotten ability to talk—is actually a major issue that needs your attention. If the lack of interaction the elderly couple mentioned above experienced resembles you and your spouse, you’re about to learn how to turn that around—starting tonight at the dinner table. But read on for the surprising results of this little study.

Benign Neglect Can Destroy Your Marriage

Couples who had been married for various lengths of time (some married a year, others for over 50 years), were surveyed on how much time they averaged talking with one another during a typical dinner.

The following results show a correlation between how long a couple has been married and how much time was spent in conversation:

One year: 40 minutes

Ten years: 29 minutes

Twenty years: 21 minutes

Thirty years: 16 minutes

50 years: less than 3 minutes

What’s happening, or more accurately—not happening—here? And, why is it a problem?

The longer you’ve been married, the more likely you are to feel like you know everything there is to know about your spouse. You may think that you’ve already said everything there is to say.

This is a form of benign neglect: communication efforts become lax as the relationship settles into comfortable familiarity. But what begins as a relaxation in your communication efforts can quickly become malignant—compromising the very foundation of your marriage. This is when you start to think, “We no longer have anything in common,” and “We don’t connect anymore.”

You’re right: you don’t connect anymore. Three minutes at dinner does not make a connection. But, it’s not irreversible. You can learn how to spark up conversation with your spouse again. Let me explain …

When You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling…

If communication with your spouse has slowed to a trickle, the emotional connection between you may dissolve. You don’t feel connected to your husband or wife because one—or both—of you is no longer making the effort.

But if you want to affair-proof your marriage, you need to warm up the lines of communication.

Step 1: Take Stock of Your Conversational Content

Think about the last five verbal exchanges you’ve shared with your spouse. Categorize them as such:

A: Deep, meaningful exchanges about individual goals, mutual goals and sharing future plans; discussing news events, articles, movies, art and/or books.

B: Deciding what to have for dinner and who will clean up, and other chore-like topics.

No one is grading you, so be honest and see under which category your last five conversations fall.

Step 2: Decide to Boost Your “A” Game

It shouldn’t come as any surprise that if your last several conversations with your husband or wife ended up on the non-titillating “B” end of the spectrum, you have some work to do.

What would you be more likely to attend: a movie with meaning, or a movie about two people splitting up the chore list? Make the conscious decision as to which of these scenarios your marriage will resemble in the very near future. Give it some thought, and come prepared to surprise your spouse with the unexpected.

Step 3: Commit to More

Set high expectations for your marriage and the ability of you and your spouse to communicate at an “A” level. For your next several conversations, have some ideas prepared for topics you’d like to bring up with your spouse. Travel the unbeaten path here… to be a successful conversationalist with anyone—including your spouse—you have to work at being interesting.

Also, I recommend you bring up positive, or at least neutral, topics, rather than starting a conversation about the lawn care your spouse has been neglecting or the need for some more help with the household chores.

This may also be advice you will want to follow if you’re dealing with an affair. As you know, the details of an affair are a different conversation, one that Dr. Gunzburg recommends you prepare for and handle differently than you would any other conversation. And if you are living under the same roof as your spouse, you probably don’t want to talk about the affair every time a conversation strikes up.

You also might not want to channel your anger and pain into a conversation about mowing the grass. Finding topics outside of the mundane, that help to move your relationship past the affair, may help strengthen and repair your marriage by lessening the power of those affair details.

Here are a few conversation starters to launch your efforts:

  1. If you could live anywhere else, where would you go, and why?
  2. What would your “dream” job be?
  3. Who do you think is going to win the World Series (or anything specific to the interests of your spouse)?

Discussing topics like this with your spouse can dial the clock past the 3-minute mark. But even more important, these conversation starters dig deeper than the routine, “How was your day, honey?”

The study mentioned above focused on the length of time couples spend communicating at the dinner table, but what is more valuable to your relationship with your spouse is the quality of that communication. When you develop things to talk about that go beyond laundry, the time you spend talking will more than likely lengthen.

The true boost to your relationship is that you’ll ignite a closer connection between you. It’s never too late to take your marriage from ho-hum (or dead-on-arrival) to reinvigorated and thriving.

Now I’d love to hear from you.

What are your ideas for getting the conversation going in a positive direction tonight?

What topics have you successfully engaged in with your spouse recently that moved conversation from ho-hum to fascinating?

Are the two of you able to talk at all right now? If not, what’s holding you back?

If you are trying to work through your spouse’s affair, do you think it will help your efforts to steer the conversation a step beyond that period in time?

Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1586187721) } [5]=> array(11) { ["title"]=> string(59) "Surviving Infidelity: How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Her" ["link"]=> string(97) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/04/06/surviving-infidelity-how-to-stop-comparing-yourself-to-her/" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 06 Apr 2020 15:31:54 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(9) "Alex Wise" } ["category"]=> string(153) "Relationship Adviceimagesnegative thoughtsother womanRebuild the TrustSave Your Marriageself-affirmationsself-esteemself-imageSurviving an Affairthoughts" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=4577" ["description"]=> string(419) "Haunted by your spouse’s affair, you, like many victims of cheating, may find you’re constantly comparing yourself to the other woman. Your internal dialogue may sound similar to this: “She’s probably prettier than me.” “I’ll bet her body’s firmer, more fit—I’ve really let myself slide.” “She’s no doubt smart, accomplished, funny—no wonder he couldn’t resist her.” “I’m […]" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(5476) "

Haunted by your spouse’s affair, you, like many victims of cheating, may find you’re constantly comparing yourself to the other woman. Your internal dialogue may sound similar to this:

“She’s probably prettier than me.”

“I’ll bet her body’s firmer, more fit—I’ve really let myself slide.”

“She’s no doubt smart, accomplished, funny—no wonder he couldn’t resist her.”

“I’m not interesting enough to keep anyone’s attention.”

As if learning of the affair and the sordid details weren’t enough, you’re now tormented with an onslaught of negative thoughts and feelings—directed at you, from you.

In this article, I’m going to give you some methods for putting a stop to this nonsense and rally yourself to be your own best friend again.

Infidelity’s Damaging Effects on Your Self-Esteem

A barrage of negative internal chatter adds to the turmoil and uncertainty you are already feeling about yourself, your spouse and the state of your marriage.

It is normal for you to experience some self-doubt when you learn of your husband’s affair. But when a dialogue such as the one above becomes a repetitive, nightmarish song playing in your head, you put yourself in the dangerous position of being a daily judge, jury and executioner—to your own self-esteem.

After an affair, you are faced with handling the loss of trust in your relationship with your spouse. Discovering that your spouse has gone outside of the marriage—for whatever ill-conceived reason—is a genuine blow to your self-esteem. So in addition to your trust issues with your husband, you begin to lose trust in your own self-image, possibly asking: “Am I who I think I am?”

Working through the aftermath of an affair, you find you are questioning everything you took for granted in your world. This can include your own self-image as you reevaluate all that you once trusted in as “truth.”

This is a very challenging time in your life, without question. Your world feels like it’s in pieces. Yet, each day you continue to strive to put these pieces back together and move forward with your life.

Here are some steps to help you on your journey, focusing on where the journey must begin: within you.

Step 1: Track Your Inner Dialogue

After the revelation of an affair, no doubt your thoughts and emotions are streaming constantly. You know you feel awful, and you know your thoughts match how you feel.

It’s important to get a handle on exactly what that inner dialogue sounds like. Keep a record of what you are saying to yourself in these conversations.

Step 2: Knock the Other Woman Off the Pedestal

Challenge these thoughts you are having. It is you who gives definition to your thoughts and feelings—and no one can take that away from you.

If this other woman, who you have built up in your own mind as being some sort of earth-bound goddess, were truly so amazing, she wouldn’t be involved with a married man. Remind yourself of this often.

Step 3: Re-create Your Picture of the Other Woman

Now that you have knocked the other woman off of the pedestal in your mind, have some fun with the image. Remember, your thoughts are your own, and it is you who gives definition to them. It doesn’t have to be negative so much as an effort to deflate your present mental images.

Are you wondering if she is more beautiful? Put a witch’s hat on that image, make her nose grow and add a wart.

You question if she is funnier than you are? Give her a hideous, horsey laugh, so that every time you start to picture her with your husband telling a good joke, you can hear her snort or guffaw.

Step 4: Place Yourself Back On the Pedestal

It’s time to be your own best friend, now more than ever. Make a list of all of your wonderful qualities. You’re giving, you’re patient, you have great legs. Once you have amassed your list of good points, recite them to yourself, over and over. Every time an image of the other woman pops up and you begin to compare yourself, get your list and read it out loud.

Use self-affirmations such as these as a means to heal your self-esteem.

I’d be honored to hear about your experiences and how your self-esteem has been affected by your spouse’s affair …

What types of self-doubts did you experience after learning of your spouse’s affair?

Do you use self-affirmations? If yes, what is your success with this practice? And if not, what stops you?

How has the blow to your self-esteem affected your ability to effectively work on saving your marriage?

Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.

" } ["summary"]=> string(419) "Haunted by your spouse’s affair, you, like many victims of cheating, may find you’re constantly comparing yourself to the other woman. Your internal dialogue may sound similar to this: “She’s probably prettier than me.” “I’ll bet her body’s firmer, more fit—I’ve really let myself slide.” “She’s no doubt smart, accomplished, funny—no wonder he couldn’t resist her.” “I’m […]" ["atom_content"]=> string(5476) "

Haunted by your spouse’s affair, you, like many victims of cheating, may find you’re constantly comparing yourself to the other woman. Your internal dialogue may sound similar to this:

“She’s probably prettier than me.”

“I’ll bet her body’s firmer, more fit—I’ve really let myself slide.”

“She’s no doubt smart, accomplished, funny—no wonder he couldn’t resist her.”

“I’m not interesting enough to keep anyone’s attention.”

As if learning of the affair and the sordid details weren’t enough, you’re now tormented with an onslaught of negative thoughts and feelings—directed at you, from you.

In this article, I’m going to give you some methods for putting a stop to this nonsense and rally yourself to be your own best friend again.

Infidelity’s Damaging Effects on Your Self-Esteem

A barrage of negative internal chatter adds to the turmoil and uncertainty you are already feeling about yourself, your spouse and the state of your marriage.

It is normal for you to experience some self-doubt when you learn of your husband’s affair. But when a dialogue such as the one above becomes a repetitive, nightmarish song playing in your head, you put yourself in the dangerous position of being a daily judge, jury and executioner—to your own self-esteem.

After an affair, you are faced with handling the loss of trust in your relationship with your spouse. Discovering that your spouse has gone outside of the marriage—for whatever ill-conceived reason—is a genuine blow to your self-esteem. So in addition to your trust issues with your husband, you begin to lose trust in your own self-image, possibly asking: “Am I who I think I am?”

Working through the aftermath of an affair, you find you are questioning everything you took for granted in your world. This can include your own self-image as you reevaluate all that you once trusted in as “truth.”

This is a very challenging time in your life, without question. Your world feels like it’s in pieces. Yet, each day you continue to strive to put these pieces back together and move forward with your life.

Here are some steps to help you on your journey, focusing on where the journey must begin: within you.

Step 1: Track Your Inner Dialogue

After the revelation of an affair, no doubt your thoughts and emotions are streaming constantly. You know you feel awful, and you know your thoughts match how you feel.

It’s important to get a handle on exactly what that inner dialogue sounds like. Keep a record of what you are saying to yourself in these conversations.

Step 2: Knock the Other Woman Off the Pedestal

Challenge these thoughts you are having. It is you who gives definition to your thoughts and feelings—and no one can take that away from you.

If this other woman, who you have built up in your own mind as being some sort of earth-bound goddess, were truly so amazing, she wouldn’t be involved with a married man. Remind yourself of this often.

Step 3: Re-create Your Picture of the Other Woman

Now that you have knocked the other woman off of the pedestal in your mind, have some fun with the image. Remember, your thoughts are your own, and it is you who gives definition to them. It doesn’t have to be negative so much as an effort to deflate your present mental images.

Are you wondering if she is more beautiful? Put a witch’s hat on that image, make her nose grow and add a wart.

You question if she is funnier than you are? Give her a hideous, horsey laugh, so that every time you start to picture her with your husband telling a good joke, you can hear her snort or guffaw.

Step 4: Place Yourself Back On the Pedestal

It’s time to be your own best friend, now more than ever. Make a list of all of your wonderful qualities. You’re giving, you’re patient, you have great legs. Once you have amassed your list of good points, recite them to yourself, over and over. Every time an image of the other woman pops up and you begin to compare yourself, get your list and read it out loud.

Use self-affirmations such as these as a means to heal your self-esteem.

I’d be honored to hear about your experiences and how your self-esteem has been affected by your spouse’s affair …

What types of self-doubts did you experience after learning of your spouse’s affair?

Do you use self-affirmations? If yes, what is your success with this practice? And if not, what stops you?

How has the blow to your self-esteem affected your ability to effectively work on saving your marriage?

Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1586187114) } [6]=> array(11) { ["title"]=> string(32) "Who Else Wants a Successful Man?" ["link"]=> string(70) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/04/06/who-else-wants-a-successful-man/" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 06 Apr 2020 15:07:19 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(15) "Stella Painfree" } ["category"]=> string(37) "Relationship AdviceflirtingrichSucces" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=4573" ["description"]=> string(325) "Online dating sites are filled with women who list “successful” as one of the traits she’s looking for in a man. Today, when someone is considered “successful,” it’s usually because they appear to meet some broad criteria that fits the label. It’s all part of judging a book by its cover and we all do […]" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(4577) "

Online dating sites are filled with women who list “successful” as one of the traits she’s looking for in a man. Today, when someone is considered “successful,” it’s usually because they appear to meet some broad criteria that fits the label. It’s all part of judging a book by its cover and we all do it. But what IS success really? When a woman says she wants a successful man, what does that success mean and is it the same for every woman? Success is different to every woman. Some women ARE very possession oriented and for them money or access to money equals success. To other women success is being able to pay your bills and still have the time, money and energy to spend a fun-filled weekend together doing the ordinary things in life.

For every woman who says she’s seeking a successful man, remember that it’s only her OPINION of what is successful.

This is very important. If you are with a woman who thinks you aren’t a success if you don’t have money and expensive things – lose her. You will never be good enough or rich enough or have enough things because there will always be someone with more than you have.

While I admit that there is nothing wrong at all with external symbols of success like money, jobs and things – that they equate to success is ONLY an opinion. A Ferrari is just a car. A Rolex watch is just a watch. The vice-presidency of a bank is just a title. A large bank account is just a bunch of numbers. And a gold medal is only a moment in time. These things do not constitute true success. They are opinions or external measurements of success.

Consider giving a mansion to a monk and notice that he’s not impressed. That would NOT be success to him!

The same goes for the opinions you hold. If owning an expensive watch means a lot to you, do you think, “That watch is success” or “buying that watch will make me successful?” Of course not. What you are truly saying, though, is that the watch represents success or that it symbolizes success, affluence, or whatever.

The problem, however, is that the watch is not only a personal symbol but also a symbol one wishes to project to the outside world. Besides only being a watch, it doesn’t have any value in itself except for the value that it has been given — by others as well as by you. This is where the ego often gets in the way. If you owned one, more than likely you are trying to show how successful you are rather than just “being” successful.

An expensive watch doesn’t have any intrinsic worth. To make it valuable, you must give it value — and that’s your value. And your value is what you want other people to notice. So, it all boils down to self-esteem. And this goes for anything in the material or physical world. Your goals, your achievements, or your performance are infallibly tied not only to how you feel about them but how you want others to feel about you.

This is the reason why all external forms of success are merely constituted of opinions. Success represents different things to different people, and a symbol is only an expression of a feeling about success and does not constitute this true success I am referring to. Therefore, success is but an illusion and this illusion is the cause of so much frustration, anger, pain, and lack we see in the world today.

The point I’m trying to make here is that you can find women who feel that success is not what happens on the outside, because the things you possess are merely symbols of an opinion. Find the woman who knows you have real value and you won’t need to possess so many trappings of success to prove your value.

If you want to really become a success in the true sense of the word, understand how valuable you are just because you’re alive. Look inside yourself and get connected with the you that believes in yourself. You’ll find more and more people attracted to you because they truly enjoy being with you. That’s the most satisfying relationship of all. If you rely on things to prove your success you will always need more and more visible “things” to keep the proof rolling on.

" } ["summary"]=> string(325) "Online dating sites are filled with women who list “successful” as one of the traits she’s looking for in a man. Today, when someone is considered “successful,” it’s usually because they appear to meet some broad criteria that fits the label. It’s all part of judging a book by its cover and we all do […]" ["atom_content"]=> string(4577) "

Online dating sites are filled with women who list “successful” as one of the traits she’s looking for in a man. Today, when someone is considered “successful,” it’s usually because they appear to meet some broad criteria that fits the label. It’s all part of judging a book by its cover and we all do it. But what IS success really? When a woman says she wants a successful man, what does that success mean and is it the same for every woman? Success is different to every woman. Some women ARE very possession oriented and for them money or access to money equals success. To other women success is being able to pay your bills and still have the time, money and energy to spend a fun-filled weekend together doing the ordinary things in life.

For every woman who says she’s seeking a successful man, remember that it’s only her OPINION of what is successful.

This is very important. If you are with a woman who thinks you aren’t a success if you don’t have money and expensive things – lose her. You will never be good enough or rich enough or have enough things because there will always be someone with more than you have.

While I admit that there is nothing wrong at all with external symbols of success like money, jobs and things – that they equate to success is ONLY an opinion. A Ferrari is just a car. A Rolex watch is just a watch. The vice-presidency of a bank is just a title. A large bank account is just a bunch of numbers. And a gold medal is only a moment in time. These things do not constitute true success. They are opinions or external measurements of success.

Consider giving a mansion to a monk and notice that he’s not impressed. That would NOT be success to him!

The same goes for the opinions you hold. If owning an expensive watch means a lot to you, do you think, “That watch is success” or “buying that watch will make me successful?” Of course not. What you are truly saying, though, is that the watch represents success or that it symbolizes success, affluence, or whatever.

The problem, however, is that the watch is not only a personal symbol but also a symbol one wishes to project to the outside world. Besides only being a watch, it doesn’t have any value in itself except for the value that it has been given — by others as well as by you. This is where the ego often gets in the way. If you owned one, more than likely you are trying to show how successful you are rather than just “being” successful.

An expensive watch doesn’t have any intrinsic worth. To make it valuable, you must give it value — and that’s your value. And your value is what you want other people to notice. So, it all boils down to self-esteem. And this goes for anything in the material or physical world. Your goals, your achievements, or your performance are infallibly tied not only to how you feel about them but how you want others to feel about you.

This is the reason why all external forms of success are merely constituted of opinions. Success represents different things to different people, and a symbol is only an expression of a feeling about success and does not constitute this true success I am referring to. Therefore, success is but an illusion and this illusion is the cause of so much frustration, anger, pain, and lack we see in the world today.

The point I’m trying to make here is that you can find women who feel that success is not what happens on the outside, because the things you possess are merely symbols of an opinion. Find the woman who knows you have real value and you won’t need to possess so many trappings of success to prove your value.

If you want to really become a success in the true sense of the word, understand how valuable you are just because you’re alive. Look inside yourself and get connected with the you that believes in yourself. You’ll find more and more people attracted to you because they truly enjoy being with you. That’s the most satisfying relationship of all. If you rely on things to prove your success you will always need more and more visible “things” to keep the proof rolling on.

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1586185639) } [7]=> array(11) { ["title"]=> string(23) "Women CAN Be In Control" ["link"]=> string(62) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/04/06/women-can-be-in-control/" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 06 Apr 2020 14:29:53 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(10) "Sarah Hill" } ["category"]=> string(40) "Relationship Adviceflirtingrelationships" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=4570" ["description"]=> string(264) "Are we responsible for how our partners treat us? Can we help them learn how to open up and talk to us or do they come to us hard wired from the factory? I think we are the deciding factor in how it all turns out. This is NOT about abuse. There is no way […]" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(3818) "

Are we responsible for how our partners treat us? Can we help them learn how to open up and talk to us or do they come to us hard wired from the factory? I think we are the deciding factor in how it all turns out.

This is NOT about abuse. There is no way we can solve someone else’s anger or need for control problem. The only solution for this is to get out. What I’m talking about is warm, open communication about everything from what to do this weekend to how we like being pleasured.

So what’s up with the change that takes place soon after the dating faze is over? Seemingly all of a sudden we start complaining about the things we thought were cute before or just overlooked. So ladies, if we are the thermometers of our relationships, it’s possible to turn up the heat and get things rocking again. Look at these 7 steps and see how many you can incorporate into your life:

 

 

Get started heating things up!

" } ["summary"]=> string(264) "Are we responsible for how our partners treat us? Can we help them learn how to open up and talk to us or do they come to us hard wired from the factory? I think we are the deciding factor in how it all turns out. This is NOT about abuse. There is no way […]" ["atom_content"]=> string(3818) "

Are we responsible for how our partners treat us? Can we help them learn how to open up and talk to us or do they come to us hard wired from the factory? I think we are the deciding factor in how it all turns out.

This is NOT about abuse. There is no way we can solve someone else’s anger or need for control problem. The only solution for this is to get out. What I’m talking about is warm, open communication about everything from what to do this weekend to how we like being pleasured.

So what’s up with the change that takes place soon after the dating faze is over? Seemingly all of a sudden we start complaining about the things we thought were cute before or just overlooked. So ladies, if we are the thermometers of our relationships, it’s possible to turn up the heat and get things rocking again. Look at these 7 steps and see how many you can incorporate into your life:

 

 

Get started heating things up!

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1586183393) } [8]=> array(11) { ["title"]=> string(36) "3 Words Guaranteed To Get More Dates" ["link"]=> string(75) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/04/06/3-words-guaranteed-to-get-more-dates/" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 06 Apr 2020 13:29:48 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(10) "Sarah Hill" } ["category"]=> string(13) "Dating Advice" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=4565" ["description"]=> string(286) "I know you’ve heard advertisers and marketers blow wind in your ears and eye with all sorts of magical ways to get more dates and maybe some of them work. I do know that if you can imagine the person in your mind that you’re seeking it’s a lot easier to find him or her. […]" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(4338) "

I know you’ve heard advertisers and marketers blow wind in your ears and eye with all sorts of magical ways to get more dates and maybe some of them work. I do know that if you can imagine the person in your mind that you’re seeking it’s a lot easier to find him or her. If you don’t yet know what sort of person would be a good fit for you, now is the time to sort that out. Some people have told me that all they want is a man or a woman, they don’t care about anything else. What hogwash! Nobody is okay with just anyone and if they were, who’s want to be with them anyway?

Get a pencil and paper and start answering these questions and it’s important to note which qualities you do not want as well:

Race?
Body shape?
Body size/weight?
Hair color?
Eye color?
Education?
Interests?
Religion/spirituality?
Occupation?
Honesty
Trustworthiness?
Sexuality
Interest in sex
Sexual interests?
Respect?
Sense of humor?
Appearance/style?
Automobile?
Salary?
Personality?
Sensitivity?
Intelligence?

 

Once you have this list made out, you’ll have a picture in your mind of the person you’re looking for. Ok, maybe the hair color will be a bit off or maybe the eye color isn’t important to you and you might not care about what car she drives or what he does for a living, but in all of those answers is the person you seek.

Read over your answers and close your eyes and see if you can see this person in your mind. Most people can.

Now I promised you three words that will get you more dates than anything else you’ve tried:

“Write to them.”

Simple, isn’t it? You would be amazed at how many people say they aren’t very lucky at online dating sites and a check of their account activity shows they haven’t written to more than 2 people in months. You don’t need Cyrano De Bergerac writing for you either. Be yourself, that’s the person others want to get to know. Keep those three words in your mind whenever you log in to your favorite site.

It could be as simple as writing:

“Hi, I’m Ted and I saw your profile and want to say you are one good looking woman. If you aren’t overwhelmed with email, I’d appreciate it if you’d check out my profile and photo and let me know if there is any interest. I’d appreciate a reply even if it’s to tell me how to improve my profile!”

Women love flattery and they like to help people so you’ve done both in this simple email. You could also try:

“Hi, I’m Ted, a single guy living in Phoenix. I love to watch auto racing and go to the races every chance I get. If you like auto racing and would like to accompany me to a race, check out my profile and get back to me. I checked your profile and see that you’re only 18 miles from me and you’ve got a great smile that got MY motor going!”

No more excuses, you can have a wonderful relationship but you must take that first step. Don’t say that dating sites are too expensive – compared to a night out, they’re cheap. Don’t say they take up too much time – you’re alone for pete’s sake, you have time. Don’t say there are too many fakes – maybe there are, but there are real gems there too and you can find them. Good luck!

" } ["summary"]=> string(286) "I know you’ve heard advertisers and marketers blow wind in your ears and eye with all sorts of magical ways to get more dates and maybe some of them work. I do know that if you can imagine the person in your mind that you’re seeking it’s a lot easier to find him or her. […]" ["atom_content"]=> string(4338) "

I know you’ve heard advertisers and marketers blow wind in your ears and eye with all sorts of magical ways to get more dates and maybe some of them work. I do know that if you can imagine the person in your mind that you’re seeking it’s a lot easier to find him or her. If you don’t yet know what sort of person would be a good fit for you, now is the time to sort that out. Some people have told me that all they want is a man or a woman, they don’t care about anything else. What hogwash! Nobody is okay with just anyone and if they were, who’s want to be with them anyway?

Get a pencil and paper and start answering these questions and it’s important to note which qualities you do not want as well:

Race?
Body shape?
Body size/weight?
Hair color?
Eye color?
Education?
Interests?
Religion/spirituality?
Occupation?
Honesty
Trustworthiness?
Sexuality
Interest in sex
Sexual interests?
Respect?
Sense of humor?
Appearance/style?
Automobile?
Salary?
Personality?
Sensitivity?
Intelligence?

 

Once you have this list made out, you’ll have a picture in your mind of the person you’re looking for. Ok, maybe the hair color will be a bit off or maybe the eye color isn’t important to you and you might not care about what car she drives or what he does for a living, but in all of those answers is the person you seek.

Read over your answers and close your eyes and see if you can see this person in your mind. Most people can.

Now I promised you three words that will get you more dates than anything else you’ve tried:

“Write to them.”

Simple, isn’t it? You would be amazed at how many people say they aren’t very lucky at online dating sites and a check of their account activity shows they haven’t written to more than 2 people in months. You don’t need Cyrano De Bergerac writing for you either. Be yourself, that’s the person others want to get to know. Keep those three words in your mind whenever you log in to your favorite site.

It could be as simple as writing:

“Hi, I’m Ted and I saw your profile and want to say you are one good looking woman. If you aren’t overwhelmed with email, I’d appreciate it if you’d check out my profile and photo and let me know if there is any interest. I’d appreciate a reply even if it’s to tell me how to improve my profile!”

Women love flattery and they like to help people so you’ve done both in this simple email. You could also try:

“Hi, I’m Ted, a single guy living in Phoenix. I love to watch auto racing and go to the races every chance I get. If you like auto racing and would like to accompany me to a race, check out my profile and get back to me. I checked your profile and see that you’re only 18 miles from me and you’ve got a great smile that got MY motor going!”

No more excuses, you can have a wonderful relationship but you must take that first step. Don’t say that dating sites are too expensive – compared to a night out, they’re cheap. Don’t say they take up too much time – you’re alone for pete’s sake, you have time. Don’t say there are too many fakes – maybe there are, but there are real gems there too and you can find them. Good luck!

" ["date_timestamp"]=> int(1586179788) } [9]=> array(11) { ["title"]=> string(27) "Good Guys Can Come In First" ["link"]=> string(66) "https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/04/06/good-guys-can-come-in-first/" ["pubdate"]=> string(31) "Mon, 06 Apr 2020 13:22:55 +0000" ["dc"]=> array(1) { ["creator"]=> string(10) "Sarah Hill" } ["category"]=> string(52) "Dating Advicegetting datesonline datingrelationships" ["guid"]=> string(34) "https://blog.loveawake.com/?p=4562" ["description"]=> string(297) "I know, I know, you probably don’t need this information but there are heaps of men who do, I promise you, They go about finding a date or potential new relationship all wrong. They read articles by guys who say only the shits or bad boys get the women and it’s not true!! What these […]" ["content"]=> array(1) { ["encoded"]=> string(3573) "

I know, I know, you probably don’t need this information but there are heaps of men who do, I promise you, They go about finding a date or potential new relationship all wrong. They read articles by guys who say only the shits or bad boys get the women and it’s not true!! What these men are doing (aside from what they think they’re doing) is paying attention to what the woman is looking for and treating her as the special creature she is.

Nobody wants you to bow down before her highness, especially me. Here’s the deal. Too many men think that it’s difficult to understand a woman. It’s really easy. We want to feel valued in your presence. We want to know that our opinions and ideas have merit just because we have them. We’re sick of “what do you know, you’re only a _______?” Fill in the blank with whatever job she might have. We don’t want to hear, “here, give me that, I’ll do that for you,” unless it’s a cockroach the size of a volkswagen. We don’t want you to solve our problems for us but we want you to listen while we air them out loud. If we need a solution, we’ll ask for it.

So find a site that treats you with respect and fits your lifestyle and desires and write an ad that talks about you and what makes you special. If you have SPECIFIC requirements that you will not negotiate on, put them in your profile or ad, otherwise leave it all about you. An example of a specific requirement might be that you don’t want a smoker, she must have red hair, she must not be taller than 5′ 7″. These might be things that you’ve determined you will not compromise on. Upload a real photo of yourself – a photo taken within the past year. A smiling face with your dog works best and a photo between your belly button and thigh is NOT gonna rake in crowds of women. We know what they look like and we couldn’t pick you out of a crowd to save our lives.

Once you have your profile/ad written & photo uploaded, start searching the profiles and write to every woman – that’s right, every woman – who comes close to meeting your requirements. Forget about location, hair color, astrological sign unless it’s of utmost importance. You’re seeking someone special and you might have to look hard to find her. My husband looked 10,000 miles to find me 14 years ago and he’d do it again, so distance is not a problem that cannot be overcome.

Now that you’ve written your 20 emails a day you’ll be getting replies. Look up her profile or ad and photo and see if you think you’d be comfortble with her. If she’s a maybe, write back but reply to what she wrote to you. Don’t have a cookie cutter reply or it’s all over. Remember, she wants to feel valued in your presence. Answer what she wrote and then ask a question. She’ll answer that question and ask another and you will answer.. you get the idea.

Then, if nature has taken its course (and it always does) you’ll move on to a phone conversation and then a meeting in a public place just for coffee and then on to a full date. It does work. It’s worked for me personally and it’s worked for my friend Julie and my daughter got married a few weeks ago to the man she met on our website at sexyads.com.

If you try this, let me know if it works for you? I know it’s worked for lots of other guys.

" } ["summary"]=> string(297) "I know, I know, you probably don’t need this information but there are heaps of men who do, I promise you, They go about finding a date or potential new relationship all wrong. They read articles by guys who say only the shits or bad boys get the women and it’s not true!! What these […]" ["atom_content"]=> string(3573) "

I know, I know, you probably don’t need this information but there are heaps of men who do, I promise you, They go about finding a date or potential new relationship all wrong. They read articles by guys who say only the shits or bad boys get the women and it’s not true!! What these men are doing (aside from what they think they’re doing) is paying attention to what the woman is looking for and treating her as the special creature she is.

Nobody wants you to bow down before her highness, especially me. Here’s the deal. Too many men think that it’s difficult to understand a woman. It’s really easy. We want to feel valued in your presence. We want to know that our opinions and ideas have merit just because we have them. We’re sick of “what do you know, you’re only a _______?” Fill in the blank with whatever job she might have. We don’t want to hear, “here, give me that, I’ll do that for you,” unless it’s a cockroach the size of a volkswagen. We don’t want you to solve our problems for us but we want you to listen while we air them out loud. If we need a solution, we’ll ask for it.

So find a site that treats you with respect and fits your lifestyle and desires and write an ad that talks about you and what makes you special. If you have SPECIFIC requirements that you will not negotiate on, put them in your profile or ad, otherwise leave it all about you. An example of a specific requirement might be that you don’t want a smoker, she must have red hair, she must not be taller than 5′ 7″. These might be things that you’ve determined you will not compromise on. Upload a real photo of yourself – a photo taken within the past year. A smiling face with your dog works best and a photo between your belly button and thigh is NOT gonna rake in crowds of women. We know what they look like and we couldn’t pick you out of a crowd to save our lives.

Once you have your profile/ad written & photo uploaded, start searching the profiles and write to every woman – that’s right, every woman – who comes close to meeting your requirements. Forget about location, hair color, astrological sign unless it’s of utmost importance. You’re seeking someone special and you might have to look hard to find her. My husband looked 10,000 miles to find me 14 years ago and he’d do it again, so distance is not a problem that cannot be overcome.

Now that you’ve written your 20 emails a day you’ll be getting replies. Look up her profile or ad and photo and see if you think you’d be comfortble with her. If she’s a maybe, write back but reply to what she wrote to you. Don’t have a cookie cutter reply or it’s all over. Remember, she wants to feel valued in your presence. Answer what she wrote and then ask a question. She’ll answer that question and ask another and you will answer.. you get the idea.

Then, if nature has taken its course (and it always does) you’ll move on to a phone conversation and then a meeting in a public place just for coffee and then on to a full date. It does work. It’s worked for me personally and it’s worked for my friend Julie and my daughter got married a few weeks ago to the man she met on our website at sexyads.com.

If you try this, let me know if it works for you? I know it’s worked for lots of other guys.

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