...pieces of a dream... https://blog.dnevnik.hr/whisperofdreams

nedjelja, 31.12.2006.

sretan Božić... sa zakašnjenjem!!

Opet dugo nisam pisala... nekoliko puta sam započela, napisala par redaka.... i sve obrisala. Ne zato što mi se nije dalo pisati,ne zato. Imala sam previše toga za reći. Previše sam toga osjećala. I previše je toga bilo za pisati... stvari o kojima sam htjela, o kojima nisam htjela, o kojima nisam mogla....
Kad je tata umro svi su rekli- sad je najgore, pusti, vrijeme liječi.... na kraju će ostati samo lijepe uspomene i one će tjerati na osmjeh, ne na tugu. Sjećam se dana kad mi je to netko rekao. Stajala sam na ulazu u veliku dvoranu u kojoj je bila komemoracija, obučena u crno i okružena desecima tatinih kolega... pogledala sam u tu ženu jedva se nekako kiselo nasmiješila- lice je bilo previše kruto za neke druge izraze osim plača no nekako, povjerovala sam joj. Željela sam joj vjerovati. Zato mi valjda i jesu te riječi ostale tako duboke u sjećanju. Ali eto sad. Prošlo je preko pola godine a meni, meni su slike svježije no ikad, tuga još uvijek raspakirana ... samo snova više nema... više ga ne sanjam da mi u istoj noći desecima puta umire u naručju a da ga ja samo bespomoćno gledam i plačem.. ne sanjam više to.. prestalo je... mislila sam da mi je najgore bilo buditi se uz te misli, slike...mislila sam da će mi najteže biti prihvatiti činjenicu da ga više nema, da se neće vratiti od tamo ... mislila sam da je stvarno najteže bilo u tom periodu rastanka s njim.... nisam ni bila svjesna, onda, kakvo vrijeme tek slijedi....

U mojoj su obitelji rituali svetinja... vjerojatno jedina svar koja nas je sve , ali baš sve spajala... kada smo skupa bili i mama i tata i mala braća i veliki brat... blagdani. Blagdani su naš ritual. Stol u kuhinji... mama kuha, pomažem joj peći kolače... brat je došao iz Rijeke za praznike, tata ne radi, klinci su doma.... i uvijek strka... tata iz sobe dovikuje i ispituje mamu hoćemo li i za ovaj badnjak imati bakalar za ručak, braća se ne mogu dogovoriti tko će otići po bor, na radiju sviraju božićne pjesmice i mama tiho pjeva,cijela kuća miriši na toplinu, na cimet.... to je naš ritual... to je vrijeme kad smo obitelj, prava obitelj.... nas šest na okupu....

Puno nas je... uvijek sam bila zavidna klincima u školi koji se imali jednog brata ili seku... uvijek sam mislila da sam zakinuta što ih ja imam troje.. mislila sam, da sam jedinica ,dobivala bi za božić više darova, mama i tata bi bli posvećeniji više meni, ne bi morala biti ljubomorna kada je netko od nas dobio nešto što dugi nije.... bila sam dijete uvjereno da je moja velika obitelj nepravda prema meni...

Možda sam tek ovaj Božić shvatila koliko sam uvijek bila u krivu....

U dnevnoj sobi je okićen bor. Prozori svijetle lampicama... mama u kuhinji kuha ručak u tišini. Kolače smo naručili. Braća su u svojim sobama. Dnevna soba... dnevna soba je prezna. Nikakvi zvukovi ne dopiru iz nje.... mama pravi bakalar.... ali nitko se uistinu ne raduje tom ručku.... čak je radio stišan... čak ni mama ne pjevuši.... sve je ako umjetno.... svako sjećanje na prošle Božiće samo unosi još veću tišinu u ovaj...

I sjetim se....ja sam mislila da je najgori perod za nas prošao.... sjetim se riječi da vijeme liječi rane.. da vrijeme donosi samo lijepa sjećanja..... no zašto onda ta lijepa sjećanja stvaraju taku ogromnu tugu? Zašto nitko nije ni spomenuo da najgore tek slijedi? I to baš onda kada ostanu samo lijepa sjećanja.... rekla sam već da sam prestala sanjati ružne snove u vezi njega... sada sanjam da je zdrav, da mi se smiješi, da me zove nadimcima koja mi je dao kad sam bila beba.... sada sanjam lijepe snove.... imam lijepa sjećanja... a tata mi nedostaje više nego ikad....

On kao da je ona karika u našem lancu zbog koje i jesmo bili obitelj. Jer s njim- s njim smo bili „svi“.... a sada, bez njega.... neznam kako uopće reći da smo svi na okupu... kako uopće reći da smo prava obitelj.....

Najgore nije prošlo.. najgore tek slijedi.... bojim se.

BOJIM SE DA JE NAJGORI DIO RASTANKA S NEKIM PRAZNINA KOJU TAJ ČOVJEK OSTAVLJA ZA SOBOM....

A praznia koju je tata ostavio za sobom najviše se osjeti sada. Za blagdane. Kada bi cijela obitelj trebala biti na okupu. Kad je inače cijela moja obitelj bila. Praznina je gotovo opipljiva... kraj bora, za stolom, ... ma svugdje... u cijeloj kući.. u svima nama.... i ovo je prvi Božić kada se nitko uistinu ne raduje.... nitko ne može... svi se smiješimo.... svi pričamo glasno kao i inače.... ali onog trena kad se rastanemo čuju se jecaji.... i nitko se nikome ne približava... svi smo na distanci.... na sigurnoj udaljenosti.. kao da želimo pobjeć iz ovog vremena i iz nastale situacije...

Da. Sad mi je draže nego ikada što nas je tako puno... jer nitko, uistinu nitko ne mora biti sam... i znam a možda griješimo što ne plačemo jedni pred drugima, što ne dijelimo tugu kao i sreću....
Al tako nevjerojatno puno znači kada nakon našeg razgovora o tati, iz susjedne sobe čuješ kako netko od njegove djece priča s njim nasamo... kao da je još tu... kao a nikada nije ni otišao...
tek onda shvatim koliko ljubavi je bilo podjeljeno među svima nama... i koliko god djece bilo u kući, svi su uvijek dobivali jednako, svi su dobivali jako puno....

i kada mi ponovno netko kaže da vrijeme liječi rane, neću se ustručavati reći mu da to nije istina.... rane ne nestaju, ljudi samo nauče živjeti s gorkim okusom nekog sjećanja... i stvaraju nova, nadomještaju, pronalaze načine kako zadržati drage ljude.... baš tako kako smo mi naučili zadržati tatu- ljubavlju. Jer zbog silne ljubavi koju osjećamo prema njemu i sad i za svaki drugi blagdan, tata će biti s nama. U našim mislima i srcima.

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The world steps aside to let any man pass..
If he knows where he's going..



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boy from mars
annabelle lee
zvonjava
portret ljeta
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glazba je moj drugi oblik sjećanja...





Zaista-Flare

opusti se...ja sam vjetar
koji ti donosi svjezi zrak
jos jucer sam se pretvorila...u bijeli oblak
spajala kapljice koje padaju na tvoje lice

otvorio si prozore...i pogledao prema suncu
udahnuo duboko...
kihnuo potiho...
i gledao me ravno u oci...te se nasmjesio
gledao me ravno u oci...pa me upitao

tko si ti zaista?

ja sam vjetar sto ti daje krila
ti budi ptica koja vratit ce mi mir

tako sam umorna od trazenja ljubavi
u ovoj sumi betona celika
samo rijetki snivaju...zaista...

zaista.. to je carolija ...
kad osmjeh tvoj me doziva
u sutone i svitanja...to je moja utjeha
zaista...bit cu tvoj hram sa tisucu svijeca
da te griju dok si sam

ja sam vjetar sto ti daje krila
ti budi ptica koja vratit ce mi mir

tako sam umorna od trazenja ljubavi
u ovoj sumi betona celika
samo rijetki snivaju...

zaista...




VERTICAL HORIZON- "Children's Lullaby"

Little girl was down by the waterside
The sun so hot and the roses so red where she lie
As little boys sit and watch as she twirls all around
Sunny smiles not a raincloud could bring that girl down
But now....

What's behind those big brown eyes
Do you dream at night
Without your lullaby

Little boy sits alone as he sin
gs in the dark
Wondering if his own dreams had pulled them apart
He sings a song of tomorrow he never can see
Mostly sings of a lost little girl's memory
And Now...

As his dreams go flashing by
He begins to hear
A lonely lullaby

Well now
We used to sing
And we used to cry
Through everything
In our children's lullaby

Little girl on the street with nobody around
Has her head in the air dirty feet on the ground
She shuts her eyes and she wonders is this a mistake
Now she's gone from the warmth of her little boy days
And still...

She believes that she'll get by
On her own without
Her little boy's lullaby

Little boy prays to God to answer his song
To hold her hand when everyone else's are gone
Time goes by and the wounds slowly turn into scars
So he makes his final wish on the midnight stars
And he screams...

Little girl won't you hear my cry
Won't you come back home
To your lover's lullaby

Little girl down by the waterside
Goodbye





Embrace- Looking as you are

I told the Devil and the deep blue sea to hide
I thought that you were after them
I was right
But it's a picture I'll always keep in mind
Where you say I've never been even liked
For anything truly mine

And you did it - looking as you are
Looking as you are

Love enters, and leaves you through your eyes
You threw away the only thing that I like
And ought tell ya, that things will be alright
It never really seems that way, late at night

When you did it looking as you are
Looking as you are

Now I know, that the world's not waiting for you, nor for me
And I know that the world gets heavy, will change?

'Cause you did it looking as you are
looking as you are

Now you're gone, I stand on my own

music speaks enough....

LAGWAGON- VIOLINS

I am just another fool, and I have to, keep telling myself that
I am just a hypocrit, and I have to, keep calling you one
And I forgot to bite my tongue, as my assumption, is the mother of all mistakes
So I assume the role, open my mouth, and clumsy words escape

So why you, wanna to be there, when you could be here, you are slipping away

I awake with your replacement, a bottle in my grasp, in an unfamiliar place
Because you put me out, the butt of a sick joke, into this ashtray life
As you come and go, cause I forgot to service you, and we broke down
And you can't live with my mistakes, but I assume false grace
Open my arms and grasp at something true


How are you, how have you been, girl I miss you, wanna see you again
So why you, wanna to be there, when you could be here, you are slipping away

I bring out the worst in you, and you try to let me know
You bring out the worst in me, anxiety, anxiety
I'm trying to let you go, you say I'm giving you the creeps
So I assume the role, open my claws and grasp for your heart

Into you like a mortal stake so vindictive
Your love's slipping away

Violins, into this ashtray life
Violins, the butt of your sick joke
Violins, I'm trying hard to let you go
Violins



YELLOWCARD- EMPTY APARTMENT

Call me out
You stayed inside
One you love
Is where you hide
Shot me down
As I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes
You forget where the heart is

Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening
Now, can't you see something's missing
You forget where the heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life?
What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

It's okay
It's okay


When I Hear Your Name-Teen Idols

Someone spoke your name again
And it took me back to a time when we
We were more than friends
I realized I was staring at the floor
And all my friends keep telling me
I do it more and more

I try so hard push you from my mind
And get a grip on life and then it's
Slowly slipping away
But in my room I sit by the window in a chair
And remember you sitting there
With your picture in my hand

It brings me back when I hear your name
Remembering childhood games and playing in the rain
I sometimes wonder if you feel the same
Because I think of us when I hear your name

I lose myself in memories
Of pleasant times because in all my dreams
You're always by my side
Things aren't what they used to be
And I wonder if it's destiny for me
To wake up alone

(citat slika iz mog najdražeg spota LEUCHTTURM - NENA )

jako dragi citati.....


"...An extraordinary guy
Can never have an ordinary day..." OASIS- MAGIC PIE

" when i counted up my demons,
saw there was one for every day,
with the good ones on my shoulder
i drove the other ones away..." COLDPLAY - EVERYTHING`S NOT LOST

"...But I’m a million different people from one day to the next..." THE VERVE-BITTERSWEET SYMPHONY

"...Love is just my fantasy disguised..." VERTICAL HORIZON- ANGEL WITHOUT WINGS





¨ The world steps aside to let any man pass, if he knows where he`s going….
¨ Dream as if you`ll live forever, live as if you`ll die today….
¨ Čovjeka određuje svaki njegov sljedeći postupak…
¨ ….when i look at you, i see two men ;
¨ the one you are and the one you should be.
And one day, they two will meet
and you`ll become one hell of a men…
¨ The trouble is, if you don`t risk anyrhing, you risk even more.
















JIMMY EAT WORLD - THE MIDDLE

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle, it'll up the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
Hey, don't write yourself off yet.

It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.