Novi post nakon dugoooooo vremena :D

ponedjeljak, 20.08.2007.

evo ljudi novi post nakon duuuugooooooo vremena...
Ok u postu se radi o tomu i billu...
Top je napisao neki fan i radi se o tom ko da su tom i bill gey...To ME LJUTI ALI JE TOLKO TUZNO DA SAM TABORAVILA
Znam da ce vas malo ljutit kaj tak prica da su tom i bill gey ali nisu...
Prica je pretuzna...
Obavezno je procitajte
PROCITAJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A twist of faith...

“Now Tom, I want you to try and take a step okay?” Dr. Stiles instructed.

“Okay.” I shrugged. Taking a step? No problem. Maybe then they would let me go home. I slowly inched myself to the edge of the bed, letting the tips of my toes graze the cool tile floor. I looked down for a moment, letting out a deep breath. There was a strange kind of weakness flowing throughout my body. I didn’t feel right. I saw Bill standing across from me; wringing his hands in anticipation, and bearing a worried expression. I closed my eyes and gradually lifted myself off the bed, allowing my feet to make contact with the floor. I stood up and steadied myself. I felt faint. My legs were trembling under the pressure, and I knew I couldn’t hold out long. I helplessly fell to the floor. Bill dove toward me, catching me in his arms.

“Tom are you okay?” He asked concerned.

“Yeah I’m fine…I think.” I put my hands on the floor and struggled to pull myself back up. I managed to get one knee before collapsing back to the ground.

“Here, let me help you.” Bill said offering his hand.

“No!” I smacked his hand away. “I don’t need your help. I can do this!” Bill jumped back and clutched his hand. I tried again, using every last bit of strength I had. But it was no use. I curled up in a ball on the floor, burying my head into my knees. I never felt so helpless in my life.

“What is going on?” I heard my mother whisper to the doctor. He pulled her out of the room, leaving me and Bill alone. Bill crawled up to me and gently pulled me into his lap. He softly stroked my hair, not saying not saying one word. I looked out of the window, where my mother and doctor stood. She attentively listened to his every word, with a very serious look on her face. Nodding, and every so often turning my way. I wrapped my arms around Bill’s waist and held him tight. I gave into my tears and sobbed quietly in his lap.

“Tomi, whatever it is, I’m sure it will be okay.” Bill assured. He was trying to make me feel better, but it wasn’t going to work. I was growing sick with tension by the minute. I had to know what they were talking about.

Bill sat up at attention when my mother re-entered the room. His eyes followed her as she paced the room, thinking of a way to break the news. The room grew still. It was as if I breathed too hard it would break all the tension.

“Tom.” She broke the silence. “It’s been a week and…well you…”She trailed off.

“I what?” She knelt down to me, and with Bill’s help lifted me back on the bed. Looking me in the eyes she continued.

“The doctor said there is a slight chance that you may…never walk again.”

“What?! You can’t be serious!”

“It’s just that, you haven’t made any progress. But that doesn’t mean you should get discouraged.”

“Mom!” I yelled frustrated. “Don’t you get it? I’m ruined if that happens!” I threw my head back into the pillow and groaned.

“Sweetie, it won’t be that bad.” She reassured.

“Not that bad? Not that bad! My life will be over!” I paused for a moment, and then mumbled, “Please, just throw me over a bridge now. You’d be doing me a favor.” My mother’s eyes widened and her jaw dropped to a standstill.

“Tom!” Don’t say stuff like that!” She snapped.

“Tom…I….”Bill hesitated, struggling with his words. After a moments pause he gave up, and sulked toward the door. “Excuse me, while I go throw myself off a bridge.” He said leaving the room.

“Bill!” I whined. “Wait! I didn’t mean it like that!”

“What has gotten into him?” My mother asked confused.

“Nothing. Will you go find him for me please?”

“I will.” She said. She walked to the door and stopped turning around. “And Tom? Don’t worry. Everything will be okay.”

Yeah everything will be okay…Trying telling that to the rest of the band. And my fans. That’s who I’d be letting down. This can’t be happening. It just can’t. I kept telling myself that, hoping that maybe this was all just a bad dream, and that I would soon wake up…

--------

Gustav came in the room at a quarter past 3:00. It had been almost an hour since Bill left and I was beginning to get worried about him. The whole time he was gone I was kicking myself for even saying those words.

“He locked himself a bathroom stall.” Gustav said. “So your mom sent me and George in. We had a hell of time trying to get him to come out. He kept saying something like; it was all his fault.”

Bill quietly slid in the room behind Gustav. He had no doubt been crying the whole time he was gone. It was written all over his face. His nose was red and stuffy, and his cheeks were lined with dry tears. He sniffed and rubbed his nose, holding back anymore tears that may come.

“Well,” Gustav said. “I’ll leave you guys alone. I hope you two can work it out.”

“Bill, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean what I said earlier.”

“Yes you did.” He said plopping down beside me.

“No I didn’t…I was just…I was just upset you know? Hearing the news that I might never walk again was pretty shocking. It upset me and I felt like I would be letting the whole band down, letting my fans down…letting myself down. I felt worthless.” Bill put his hand on mine.

“Tomi how do you think I feel? I did this to you. It’s all my fault.” He pouted. “You wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me. And when you said that you didn’t want live anymore...I wanted to die inside.” He put his hand up to his face, sopping up his tears with his shirt. I pulled Bill into my arms and held him close.

“I love you Tomi! And I can’t live without you!” He sobbed.

“I love you too Bill. And I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” Bill curled up closer to me and nuzzled his nose against mine. I placed an adoring kiss upon his lips, and subtly let my tongue slip into his mouth. Bill gasped in surprise, melting into my kiss. He ran his hands down my back while little moans slipped out. Suddenly Bill froze, and he pushed me back.

“Wait, Tomi. We shouldn’t be doing this. What if someone catches us?”

“Bill, I practically throw myself over a building, take a knife for you in the back, and go into a coma for a month. At this point, I don’t give a shit if anyone sees us.” I said pulling him in for another kiss. A little smile drew across his face.
“I won’t give up on you.” Those were Bill’s exact words. The hours of grueling physical therapy was beginning to take its toll. At least I was on my feet again, though not without a slight limp. Still I was ready to go home and leave this godforsaken hospital.

I sat in the middle of my bed that was littered with fan mail, with my guitar in hand; Strumming without a care, letting the rhythm take over. I gazed outside, watching the rain fall, listening to the light pitter patter each drop hitting the window sill. It was a calm kind of rain. The sun was shining making it sparkle as it fell freely to the ground. Oh How I longed to feel the warmth of the sun kissing my face, to feel the delicate raindrops caress my skin, to feel the breeze flow gently through my hair; to enjoy those little things in life that most people seem to forget. This whole experience had helped me remember and appreciate those little things. But the one thing that I still cherished most was Bill. He kept true to his word; He never gave up on me. And he never left me behind either. Day and night, night and day he stayed at my bedside. Always smiling, always uplifting, always there, for me.

I closed my eyes, losing myself in the music, feeling the strings brush against my finger tips. I began humming a slight tune, not even taking notice when the bed dipped down behind me. Bill wrapped his arms around me, placing his hands over mine, and resting his head on my shoulder. I smiled and continued to play my heart out, but this time for Bill. He listened closely, fixing his eyes on me, and with his hands feeling every cord that I made. He softly stroked my hands and kissed my ear, flicking out his tongue and nibbling on my earlobe. I shuttered, and my smooth strumming became irregular and brought me to a complete halt. I laid my guitar aside and turned to Bill. He gave me a gentle push, letting me fall onto the bed. He climbed on top of me and pinned me down.

“You know Tomi, I kind of like being stronger than you. I could get use to this.” He grinned.

“Well enjoy it while you can Bill because it won’t last.” Bill gave a little playful pout and bent down to kiss me, gently massaging his tongue against mine. His hands tracing every curve on my body, as he thrust against me in a fit of lust. We were taking a chance, and the odds of getting caught were high. The cost would be great if we were ever found out, but the desire that we felt for each other was greater, and more than we both could bear. Day in and day out, forbidden to be with the one you love; only to look and never to touch would drive anyone insane.

In the midst of our heated passion I was forced out of the bed and shoved into the bathroom. The door was shut firmly with the sound of a lock clicking. Bill flipped the switch on and narrowed his eyes.

“Bill what the hell?!” I asked startled. He walked toward me and pinned me against the sink, licking my lips.

“Sorry Tomi, I just can’t help myself.” He pushed against me a little harder, making me moan. “It’s been almost two months! Two damned months! I can’t take it anymore!” He threw off my shirt and began working on my pants. “I need you.” I could feel the lust dripping off his lips as he whispered in my ear. I gave into a passion filled kiss. Bill’s hands ran down my bare skin, a sensation I hadn’t felt for a long time. I quivered at his touch and let out a soft moan. The feeling of his hands roaming my body, his lips and tongue delicately caressing my neck, his hot breath hitting my skin, was quickly turning my breathes into short pants. His hands found his way around my erection, and I gasped at the mere touch. Bill smiled and leaned into me for another kiss, as he began working my hardened flesh. I would have cried out in pleasure, had my whimpers not been concealed beneath his lips.

“Tom? Is that you?” George knocked. I froze and my face grew pale. Bill looked at me; a mischievous grin drew across his face. I gave him a ‘don’t you dare ‘ look. But Bill ignored my silent threat and continued with his business. “Tom?” George knocked again. “I can hear you in there.”

“Uh, yeah?” I grunted, trying to hold back my moans. “W-what is it?” I shot Bill a look. “Bill cut it out!” I hissed.

“What?” George asked.

“Uh, n-nothing.” I tried pushing Bill back, but he wasn’t having it. He smacked my hands away and persisted with his heavy petting and fervent kissing. He was getting a rise out of the situation, and was making it hard for me to stay composed.

“Oh. Well have you seen Bill?”

“B-bill?” I panted. I was on the edge, almost there. I could feel it. “Uh…n-no. I h-haven’t s-seen him.” I tightly clutched the rim of the sink and bit down on my lip hard as I came. “Nggh!”

“Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah. I’m fine.” I said looking at Bill. He stared at me with that same devilish smile on his face, while he licked the come off his fingers.

“Alright, well if you see Bill, will you tell him that I was looking for him?”

“Yeah, sure, I’ll tell him.”

“Thanks.”

I heard the door shut and I relaxed. “Bill, I’m going to get you for this.” I said worn out.

“Looking forward to it Tomi!” He said with a smirk. “Anyway, I know you liked it.”

“I did. A lot! But not while George is around!”

“Really?” He said surprised. “It turned me on. You know the thought of getting caught and all.”

“I know.” I said rolling my eyes.

Bill tilted his head and gave me a skeptical look. “You mean to tell me that you didn’t get turned on even the tiniest bit?”

“Maybe it turned me on a little bit.” I admitted. Bill crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow to me.

“Fine. It turned me on a lot! It was hot!” Bill smiled pleased with my honest answer.

--------

“Tom! I have great news! You can go home today!” Dr. Stiles announced.

“I can!” I practically squealed.

“Yes. You have worked so hard, and have made excellent progress. I feel you are ready to go home. You may leave whenever you are ready.” He said before exiting the room.

I couldn’t get up fast enough. Bill and I began stuffing the duffle bags in a hurried mess, shoving anything and everything inside of them. We were both eager to leave, and the sooner we finished packing the sooner we would be off.

“Damn! You guys pack fast!” Gustav eed surveying the room. “George and I came up to help you guys, but it looks like you don’t need it.”

“Yeah.” George said shaking his head. “Hey Bill I was looking for you earlier. Couldn’t find you. It was like you fell of the face of this earth.”

“Oh yeah?” Bill asked throwing the last few articles of clothing in a bag. “What did you want?”

George scratched his head in thought. “Hmm…you know come to think of it, I can’t remember. Oh well” He shrugged. “Here Gustav and I will take these bags for you. We’ll meet you downstairs when you’re ready.”

Bill and I finished packing the last bag carelessly tossing any remaining items that were left.

“I’ll take this bag.” Bill said hoisting the strap on his shoulder. I strolled over to the bedside where my guitar laid. I carefully placed it in its case and snapped it shut.

“Do you want me to take that for you too?” Bill asked pointing to the guitar.

“Well…” I hesitated. I glanced at poor Bill. He was already loaded down with a duffle bag that looked heavier than him, yet he seemed more than willing to give me a hand. “I don’t know Bill. It’s not fair for me to make you carry all of this.”

“It’s no problem Tomi, really.” He said taking the guitar from my hand. I sighed. I felt bad for letting Bill carry everything. “Come on, let’s go.” He smiled. It was strange. All my life, I was the one that always looked out for Bill, I was the one who always took care of him, but now he was taking care of me. We walked down the hall together side by side, while Bill gladly hauled the rest of our luggage; paying no mind to the strap that visibly dug into his shoulder. And whenever I tried to offer him a helping hand, he would kindly decline, insisting that he was fine, and that it was no trouble at all.

When we reached the car, Bill put the last bag away and closed the trunk with a heavy thud. He looked in the car and paused for a moment.

“I don’t think we have enough room.” He finally said. I peeked in. My mother was in the driver’s seat, George was in the passenger, Gustav in the back…

“Why don’t we have enough room?” I asked, giving Bill a puzzled look.

“This is why.” He said holding up my guitar.

“Oh.”

“Why don’t you just put it in the back Bill, and sit on your brother’s lap?” My mother suggested.

“Okay.” Bill happily complied. He put the guitar in the middle, creating somewhat of a barrier between us and Gustav. I slid into the only empty seat and Bill gracefully sat on my lap. I wrapped my arms around his waist to make sure he was safe. Bill felt so light and delicate. I was almost afraid I would break him if I held on too tight. His dark strands of hair tickled my face as he swayed about in the car. Bill hadn’t bothered to do his hair up since I was in the hospital, so it smelled of fresh shampoo. I closed my eyes contently and gave Bill a hug, and he squeezed my hands as if to hug me back. I smiled to myself. I couldn’t wait to get home so I could finally spend some time with Bill.
I dropped my bags and stood in the doorway. A feeling of nostalgia swept over me as I looked around the room. It had been months since I stepped foot in my house, and although nothing had changed, everything seemed so different.

“God it feels good to be home!” Bill said, taking in a deep breath of air. He fell back onto the couch and let out a sigh. I sat down and made myself a place next to Bill.

“You said it! But…”

“But what?” he frowned.

“I know we just got home, but how long is it going to last?”

“I don’t know. A week. Maybe two, tops.”

“And I was looking forward to a couple of months!” I griped.

“I know, me too. But people demand our time. So we give it.”

“What exactly are we doing anyway?” I questioned, feeling a little out of the loop.

“An ass load of interviews for starters.”

“Interviews? About what?”

Bill sat up and gave me a dumbfounded look. “Tom, interviews about you.”

“Oh.”

“The whole world went crazy when you went into the hospital.”

“Was it really that bad?”

Bill shook his head. “Tom, it was awful! …….I’ll never forget that night…..I felt so helpless. And the only thing I could do was hold you in my arms. I held you so close, trying to keep pressure on your wound.” Tears were welling up in Bill’s eyes, his bottom lip trembled, as he continued to talk. “There was blood everywhere! It was so surreal, like a dream. I tried my best to stay calm, for you. But….when you passed out, I lost it. The paramedics had to pry me off of you, and I demanded them to let me in the ambulance. I didn’t want you to be alone. I watched them work on you, feeling more powerless than ever. And when they lost you the first time….I….” Bill choked on his words. “My heart stopped. I knew then that if you died, I would die too. But not before I killed the bastard who did that to you!” He spat out.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Revenge? Bill was getting worked up, his voice shook with anger. “You wouldn’t have really killed him, would you?”

Bill stood up and looked at me with disbelief. “Tom, if you died, I would have cut out his beating heart with a dull knife! He would have begged for mercy and I would have showed him none!” He nearly shouted. “Then I would have stood over his dying corpse and watched him take his final breath!”

My mouth dropped open. I was at a loss for words. “I…you…Bill, you can’t be serious.” I finally spoke. “You’re talking revenge. That’s terrible!”

Bill turned away not saying a word, still hanging on to his irrational thinking. His face was flushed, his jaw was clenched tightly, his body trembled, while he breathed heavily into the air.

“Bill….” I said, placing my hand on his shoulder, making him flinch a little. “I know it’s hard, but you need to let it go.”

Bill turned around to look at me. His eyes flashed red with anger, masking the deep hurt inside of him. His seemed bitter and callous, and I could tell that forgiveness was not on his list.

“Tom? Remember when I said I never left your bedside?”

“Yeah I remember.”

“Well….I did. Once. I went to court to testify against that asshole. Tom, it took everything I had in me not to jump over that witness stand and kill him with my bare hands! Heartless bastard sitting there with a smug look! I wanted to rip his face off!”

“Justice was served though, right? He’s in jail is he not?”

“There wasn’t enough evidence to convict him. They let him go… He almost killed you and they let him go free! Tell me brother, is that justice? Because I don’t think it is.”

“Bill, you know the justice system is fucked up.” I said, giving him a comforting hug. “All that matters, is that we’re together. I love you Bill, and I don’t want to see you consumed with this hate. You need to forgive and move on.”

“I’m sorry Tom, I can’t. He almost took away the one person that means everything to me. How can I forgive him for that?”

I gave Bill a sorrowful look. It broke my heart to see him like this. And it broke my heart even more that he couldn’t let it go.

“All I can say is this: He better hope and pray to god that our paths never cross again, because if they do...I’ll kill him.”

With those words my stomach turned. I felt sick, because I knew that Bill wasn’t just talking shit. He meant business. I wondered what made him feel like revenge was the only answer. And although Bill was the kind of person that could hold a grudge, I wasn’t too sure about vengeance. Perhaps he blamed himself for what happened that night, and revenge was the only way to redeem himself. Or maybe the whole situation proved to be too much and pushed him over the edge. Whatever it was, it wasn’t like him.

Bill tightened his grip around me, locking me in our embrace. Strange…I felt so safe, so protected, so sheltered in his arms. A feeling I had never felt before.

“I love you Tomi.” Bill whispered into my ear. “And I promise I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again. I’ll protect you with my life.”

--------

I was relieved to found out that no one overheard our heartfelt conversation. Bill had issues, that much was certain. He carried with him a great burden. A burden that was full of hatred and unforgiveness; all while taking it in stride. I had to hand it to Bill; he had a way of putting it out of his mind, as long as you didn’t talk about it. Still, it worried me. I was afraid all that hate would change him, turn him into a different person.

I wished the whole conversation never happened, and I tried my damndest to never bring it up again. Filled with uncertainty, I now tiptoed around any topic that might set Bill off, or avoided the subject completely. I never wanted to see him upset like that again.

The only thing that I couldn’t hide was my scar. To me, it was a reminder of my love for Bill, and the great lengths that I would go to protect him. But to Bill, it was a reminder of how fragile life is, and how a criminal got off scott-free. Every so often he would stare at my scar, and whenever I caught him staring he would just stop, look at me and fake a smile, as if nothing was wrong. I wondered how often he’d done this before without me noticing…

I should have known something was up. After my accident Bill became a lot more protective over me and began taking care of me, like I used to do with him. Giving up my role as guardian to Bill was hard to get use to. Instead of me always looking out for him, it was him that was always looking out for me. Now he was the one saying, “I think I should go with you Tomi” or “I don’t think you can handle this”. And after a while I became use to the idea. Perhaps that’s why I never saw it, why I never noticed that something was amiss with Bill.

It was true that Bill had changed. And I began to see him in a different light. He seemed so much stronger and assertive then I had ever remembered him. And I started running to him for protection, nestling myself in his warm embrace, until I felt safe again.
Bill….What’s happened to you? You don’t eat. You don’t sleep. Don’ t think I haven’t noticed. Ever since I went into the hospital, you’ve forsaken your own needs. You’re falling apart at the seams. I’m worried about you. How much longer can you go on? How much more can you take? Why can’t you just let it go?

I weep tears of sorrow for you Bill. My heart it aches inside, as I watch you waste away. I see right through your intricate lies. I see the truth. A truth you can no longer hide. It has become evident, so obvious. Yet you still continue with your charade, deceiving everybody, including yourself. Why can’t you see what I see?

My silent plea for Bill. I stand voiceless while my brother runs himself into the ground. He does his best to be strong for me, and to protect me. But underneath it all, he is broken. He walks around with a guilty conscious, blaming himself for what happened to me. Protecting me and taking care of me means everything to him now. And for that reason I remain silent.

--------

Our short vacation was nearing an end. Soon it would be back to hotel rooms and sleeping on the bus. My vacation felt so wasted. I spent the whole time in the hospital, and then a week at home. Nevertheless I was prepared to take on the open road once again.

I had finished my packing and decided to pay Bill a visit. We had talked about going out today, just the two of us, before we had to leave again. I walked into Bill’s open doorway. Bill sat in a chair, his back facing me. He was completely focused on what he was doing, so he didn’t notice me walk in. I took a few steps little closer. He was sharpening something, but what? I slowly peered over his shoulder. I felt my stomach turn when a short shimmering blade caught my eye. A knife….The blade looked wicked! It was designed with a jagged edge, ensuring that the withdrawal of the blade would cause greater damage than the thrust itself. That knife looked deadly! What the hell was Bill doing with a weapon like that?! Bill finally became aware of my presence.

“What is it Tomi?” He asked casually, while he continued to sharpen his knife.

“Bill what the hell are you doing with that knife?!”

“It’s for protection.”

“I think you are taking this a little too far.”

Bill stood up and looked at me.

“Tomi, there are no lengths that I wouldn’t go to protect you. So for you, nothing is too far.”

Bill gracefully slid the blade into its sheath, and tucked it away in his jacket.

“So are we going out today or what?” He asked, trying to change the subject.

“Bill, you’re not really going to take that with you are you?”

“Of course I am. That’s why I bought it.” He walked up to me and gently cupped my face. “Please don’t worry Tomi. I’m only doing this because I love you.” He placed a tender kiss on my lips, entwining his fingers in my hair. I briefly felt the familiar sensation of Bill’s silvery stud glide ever so gently across my tongue. He pulled away and gave me a little smile of reassurance.

“Come on let’s go.” He said leading me by the hand.

“Okay.”

I felt a little uneasy leaving the house while that knife was in Bill’s possession. What ever made him think that this was a good idea? He said it was for protection, but what if he made a mistake? What if he took something the wrong way, and things got out of hand? That thought scared me. I’ve always known Bill to be a gentle caring soul, but lately he’s become so mysterious, so paranoid, so unpredictable. Could he do it? Would he? At this point, I wouldn’t put it past him.

We decided to go to the mall, and I couldn’t help but feel on edge all day. Anytime Bill would reach for his jacket, I would get nervous, but it was always a false alarm. He would only be adjusting it, or grabbing his phone to look at the time. I couldn’t believe how relaxed he was about the whole idea. He acted as if it was no big deal. To me however, it was a big deal. I had been through enough, and I didn’t need him creating anymore trouble for us. Still…I had to admit, I did feel a little safer knowing that Bill was looking out for me.

Bill watched me like a hawk, and the further I strayed the closer he watched. He tried to hide it, by pretending to be interested in some book, or cd, but I knew what he was doing. I felt so bad that he felt obligated to look out for me like this. I wish he could just let that night go, but I knew he never would. It haunted him.

I can recall Bill’s many sleepless nights, that often turned into early mornings. And with each passing day, Bill grew more and more worn. He looked completely drained, all the time. He never ate, he never slept, and now it was starting to show. He couldn’t hide it anymore. I tried once before to tell him that enough was enough, but Bill is stubborn, and he won’t listen. He will keep pushing and pushing himself, until he can’t take anymore. And that’s what I’m afraid will happen.

--------

That night I woke up in a cold sweat. My heart was racing, as I tried to catch my breath. A nightmare had given me a harsh awakening. I wiped the sweat off my brow and turned to the clock. 3:00 a.m. I rolled over and closed my eyes, trying to block out the vivid images that still ran through my mind. But no matter what I focused on, my thoughts would always lead back to the dream. It was about Bill. I dreamed he died, trying to protect me. It sent shivers down my spine. It shook me up. And what bothered me the most, was that the dream was entirely possible.

I sat up in my bed and stared at the door. Should I go to Bill? Would he be up? I felt a little silly. After all it was only a dream. But it felt so real, and I needed so badly to be in his arms. I crept out of my room, and down the hall. Bill’s door was ajar, and I could see a little light streaking from his room. I carefully pushed the door open.

Bill was asleep. He lay on his bed, fully clothed; still loosely gripping a pen in his hand. It looked as if he had collapsed from pure exhaustion. A small lamp dimly lit the room casting ominous shadows across the wall. I tiptoed softly across the floor up to Bill’s bed.

“Bill?” I whispered, almost afraid to wake him. Bill’s eyes fluttered open.

“Tomi?” He yawned. “What time is it?”

“It’s 3:00.” I said feeling a little guilty for waking him.

“Oh. Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, I just....I just had a bad dream, and I want to stay with you. If that’s okay.”

“Of course Tomi.” Bill said putting his arms out. I climbed into his warm embrace, and buried my face into his neck. Bill leaned over and turned off the light. Darkness flooded the room, and I could only see a faint outline of Bill’s profile, but I could feel his arms all around me. I nuzzled closer to him, so that there was no more room between us. Bill gave me a little squeeze, as if to say “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere”. His touch comforted me to no end. I lay in Bill’s arms, feeling his heartbeat, listening to the sound of his breath.

Running to Bill was something I never used to do. Rather it was something he would do with me. When did this all happen? When did everything change? When did Bill become the stronger one? It was all such a blur. I began longing for the old days. I wanted my little brother back. I wanted my Bill. I wanted to be his protector. I wanted to be his savior, but he didn’t need me anymore….It was I that needed him.
I stared out the tour bus window, watching the trees blow softly in the wind, waving me a final goodbye. One leg of the tour ends, another begins. Already I was beginning to miss the warm comforts of home. But at least I had Bill by my side. In the end, he was all the comfort I needed.

I turned my gaze to Bill. He was curled up in the seat across from me, staring out the window as well. He wore a somewhat melancholic expression, perhaps it was his exhaustion showing through. He let out a little yawn and pulled the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands and lifted the hood over his head. He tugged at the strings, so that the hood was snug around his face.

“Bill what are you doing?” I chuckled. He had himself nearly buried in his hoodie.

“I’m cold.” He muffled through the cotton.

“How can you be cold? It’s fucking hot in here!”

“I don’t know. I just am."

“Well come here.” I gestured with my hands. “I’ll warm you up.”

Bill peeked at me. “Okay.”

He got up from his spot, with his head still buried in his sweater. He crawled onto my lap and snuggled up to me. He was so light and thin! I wrapped my arms around him and rubbed his back. I could feel his ribs through his sweater! No wonder Bill was so cold; there was nothing there to keep him warm. His face was pale and he was cold to the touch.

“Bill your hands are like ice!”

I clasped my hands around Bill’s, and I could feel the heat quickly escape from my body to his. He was so frail, I was afraid I’d break him if I held on too tight. Bill rested his head on my shoulder and gave me a weak smile. Looking at Bill, seeing him this way made me feel like shit. I should of said something earlier, but I thought he didn’t need me anymore….maybe I was wrong. Maybe he did need me.

Bill wasn’t well, and it showed. He wasn’t making any sense. His whole thought process was screwed up. He was being irrational about everything, and his reactions to anything were more than a bit delayed. His memory was slipping, and his health was fading. I was worried about him.

I softly stroked Bill’s cheek. He grasped my hand and held it close to his face, nuzzling it. He looked at me and grinned, bearing his teeth, and I couldn’t help but smile back. When Bill smiled, his whole face lit up, and his eyes sparkled, full of life. It was contagious, and he infected everyone around him with it. But even with that bright, vibrant smile, I could see his weariness shine though. I had to say something. I couldn’t keep quiet any longer.

“Bill, I’m worried about you.”

“What do you mean Tomi?” He asked innocently.

“I mean you look terrible Bill, and I’m really worried. You’re pushing yourself too much.”

Bill crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. “You know, you really know how to ruin a perfectly good moment Tomi!”

“Bill I’m serious! You’ve been acting really weird lately. I mean the other day you straight out bought a knife! That’s not like you. You’re not thinking clearly! And I’ve noticed that when you respond to me, you’re slower than usual. And you can’t remember shit! Not to mention you’ve lost a lot of weight. You’re pale, you’re thin, and I think you’re catching a cold. You look awful!”

I tried to turn Bill’s head to my direction, but he jerked away. “I’m fine Tom! Can we stop talking about this now?”

“No! We can’t Bill!”

Bill gave a sigh of annoyance. “Fine.” He got up to walk away, but I grabbed his hand and pulled him back down on my lap. He fought to get out of my hold, but I had a firm grip on his wrists.

“Bill would you just listen to me?!” I yelled, giving him a light shake. “God! You’re so damn stubborn sometimes! You know that! I love you. And I’m only trying to help you.

“Tom, really I’m fi-.”

“Bullshit!” I shouted, letting out my frustration. I closed my eyes for a moment, and took a deep breath to try and calm myself. “Bill please….for one second. Stop trying to be so tough okay? Just stop it! You can’t do this forever…..Don’t you see it Bill? Don’t you see what you’re doing to yourself?”

“Am I interrupting something?” George’s voice rang.

Bill and I turned to George’s direction.

“No. You’re not. I was just leaving.” Bill said breaking free from my grip. He walked past George, lightly brushing his shoulder as he took his leave.

“Bill!” I begged for his attention, but he ignored my plea, and kept walking. I dropped my head into my hands.

“What the hell was that all about?” George asked. He sat down across from me. He rested his arms on the table, and folded his hands, while he patiently waited for an answer.

“He won’t listen to me. He’s being a stubborn asshole!”

“What do you mean?” George asked leaning in closer.

“Isn’t it obvious? He hasn’t been taking care of himself. He’s sick….really sick….He’s slowly killing himself, and he doesn’t even care! He’s so focused on me, and my needs, that he’s completely forgotten about himself.” I rubbed at my forehead. I could feel a headache coming on.

“I have to go find him.” I said standing up.

“Yeah, sure.” George nodded. “Um….you know….if you need any help with anything or you need someone to talk to, I’m here.”

I smiled. “Thanks George.”

--------

Thankfully we were on the bus, so Bill couldn’t run far, nor could he hide. I found him curled up in his bunk. He was wearing headphones. His music was so loud, he was drowning in it. His head bobbed up and down, while he scribbled fervently in his notebook. And every so often he would pause, and listen intently to the lyrics; as if he were waiting for something to inspire him before he started scribbling again.

I put my hand on his shoulder, and gave him a gentle squeeze. He promptly jerked his headphones off, and looked at me startled.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. Can I come in?”

Bill looked away for a moment, debating over my question. He pressed his lips together, and nodded.

“Thanks.” I crawled into the bunk, and sat next to Bill. “What are you writing?” I asked pointing to the notebook.

“Nothing really. Just stuff, you know.”

“Oh.”

Bill turned off his mp3 player, and pushed his notebook aside. “Come to berate me some more?”

“Bill, I just want you to take care of yourself.”

“I’m fine Tom, I swear. So maybe I have a little cold. It’s no big deal.”

I sighed in defeat. It was no use. Bill was never going to listen. He had become completely blinded to what he was doing. Bill climbed on top of me and leaned in for a kiss, but I turned away.

“Tomi!” Bill pouted. He leaned in again, and this time I pushed him away. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I felt like I had no other choice.

“I’m sorry Bill. I just can’t.”

“But Tomi!”

“No Bill. If this is what it’s going to take for you stop hurting yourself….then so be it.”

“Tomi, you can’t be serious!” Bill said in a whiney voice.

“I’m very serious Bill.” I said pushing him off of me.

“After all I’ve done for you?! This is how you treat me?!” Bill’s bottom lip stuck out a bit. He looked at me in disbelief. His eyes glistened, as they filled with tears. “Get out.”

“But Bi-”

“I said get out!” He shouted, pointing toward the hall.

“Fine. But just remember that I’m doing this because I love you.”

I climbed out of the bunk and Bill firmly shut the curtain behind me. I could hear his quiet sobs from behind the other side. I hurt him, really bad, but no more than he was hurting me or himself. I wanted Bill to stop pushing himself. And I felt like this was the only way to knock some sense into him. No matter how much it hurt.

I looked down the hall and saw George and Gustav carrying a quiet conversation. They both stopped, and briefly glanced my way before talking again. It was obvious that they were talking about me and Bill. I only wish I could let them know everything that was really going on. I slowly sulked into my bunk, and buried myself under the covers, as I silently let my tears fall.

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ponedjeljak, 20.08.2007.

Novi post nakon dugoooooo vremena :D