Fuck you, everythingutorak , 22.05.2012.
From this day onward, my rants will be in english. This decision was not made lightly since english is limited regarding heavy insults and I do rely on them to ... well, insult.
Let's just carry on with the rant then. For some time now I am filled with rage unimaginable to human race. I am so over the edge I have already considered massacre, terrorist attack, cold blooded murder, even shitting all over someone's front lawn. The only problem is, that would probably be the end of the life I kind of enjoy, you know, the life of freedom and democracy. On the other hand, democracy gives too much freedom and I sometimes wonder why the fuck aren't people divided into castes but solely on their ability to behave as regular humans. This is not conformism, I seriously hate that shit, but some people are just too stupid to live and they should be skinned and thrown to hungry tigers.
This is mostly a petition to withold the right of breathing from the following groups of people:
7) acebook naggers
Many people already wrote about this kind of people, but I will turn my attention to the one thing that makes me want to drown in boiling oil: The Mystics and The Sad Ones.
Mystics are the quiet, everyday people who at some point of their lives feel the need to post something in line of: "The darkness grips my soul in it's clenched fist." Just great, I would grip your face with my fist and shove it in a huge pile of steaming horseshit if it were only remotely legal. And when you try to be polite and ask them what is wrong, their answer is "I don't want to talk about it."
What do you mean?
I am sorry, I am just checking whether I didn't hear you right the first time or my brain just happens to develop aneurisms on its own. What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Do you feel the need to be loved? We all do, fuck you asshole! Do you feel the need to be cradled and told that everything will be allright? Well, guess what, nothing will ever be allright, you deluded piece of shit. Have you been rejected by a woman? Get your fucking shit together, find another one. There is over three and a half billion of females out there. At least one will fucking want your deformed asshole babies. Can you imagine what THREE AND A HALF BILLION women means? It means over 7 billion tits, give or take. And you need only two. So stop your fucking whining. Women are not magically attracted to your goodnes. Eat shit asshole, get out of your mom's basement. Do something with your life.
Like kill yourself because if you do not change you will become one of the second group of facebookers I hate: The Sad Ones.
It has recently come to my attention that I do have a friend on facebook that only puts passive-agressive statuses on his timeline. I thought I was exempt from such people, but I was wrong. Of course, I immediately blocked his posts from appearing in my face every fucking time I log in. But then I took some time and read through all of his statuses from the beginning of the year. Not one was happy. I understand that your life isn't peachy. By gods, I do. It is hard to be happy when nothing works for you, but come on! Have you had one day of not hating yourself. It makes me disguisted to see your wormy-slimy-sad statuses. And what does "You will all see" mean? Are you going to kill us or you're just going to be cross at us for the rest of your life? I'd take your status seriously if I didn't know you were a lowlife spineless snail that is good only for kicking around. So shut up with your statuses. Right this fucking instant.
Yes, sir, thank you, sir Morte.
Even though I hate facebookers, they are just a minor nusiance easily solved by blocking them and never reading any of their statuses, but the next group can never be easily silenced:
6) The Pc-is-easy-but-help-me assholes
I work with computers which means I am a bit better with them than your average user. I am also very happy that my skills can help other people so I almost always say yes to the question "Could you look at my computer? It seems broken."
But then I realize that the person asking that question seriously is one of the people that think that computers are magical and can be manipulated by your willpower to do anything you want them to. They can even fly, turn into pigs and summon armies of killer crocodiles to devour your enemies. The entire problem with those people is they do not understand that EVERY job has time required to do it. Fixing a computer is mostly not possible with just one button, talking about their grandmother in under three minutes.
That's what television wants you to think. We are not able to fix your computer in under a day, so go suck a bag of dicks. Also, after returning the PC to the owner, with freshly installed Windows, Office and drivers (which I think are the basics) they fucking call me day after fucking day to ask me questions about why didn't I install Internet Explorer toolbar that enables them to milk a cow while watching youtube videos? Fuck off, you do not need it, and I will most certainly NEVER install it for you you cocsucking weasel minded faggot! If you want to install some shit that will make me have to fix your PC AGAIN and AGAIN, show as much courtesy to do it by yourself. Also, they want you to do it INSTANTLY. What does my time grow on trees? Is my time a natural nonexpendable resource that you can tap in at will? I do work for living, thank you very much, and I do have a social life, however weird that might sound since I'm working with computers.
Fuck you, you know what, I will from now on become your personal slave, I will strip in loincloth and tie myself to your computer so you can just order me around. I am tired of people and of shit I was put through and in the end I started charging. And now, there are no more midnight calls just to ask how to save a document on a pendrive or how to run this weird program that's named antivirus and where is the button to delete all things they do not need on their disks.
This is actually an image that I was begged to save from one disk at one time in my life.
5) Slow movers
FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR FAT FUCKING ASS!
You are holding the fucking line! What are you, a landed narwhal? Are you a lump of flesh that exists solely to annoy people or are you a human being? If you are the latter, get the fuck out of my way.
You may not realize that there are people around you, but then do not get offended when I shove you and move past. There is nothing worse than people who suddenly stop walking in the middle of the fucking street. Also, fuck you cellphone man, fucking move the fuck aside and THEN read your messages. Not in the middle of the fucking way. There are OTHER people, come as it may as a shock to you, that need to carry on with their lives even though the thirteen year old girl (who is probably the overweight guy from the first part of this story) is sexting you. FUCK OFF.
4) Line steppers
There are people who step over some lines. I dislike that, some lines are there just to make our society mutually enjoyable. Some people are there to shit on the rules and behave like assholes from time to time, because why the fuck not and what would we even talk about if it didn't happen, but then there are those who fucking step the line every time they open their insulting fucking mouths and a huge pile of shit comes out of there, covering you from head to toe like triceratops dung.
They step the fucking line. For instance, everybody that enters my home knows that I have a few simple rules I expect people to adhere to: 1) If you are a male you do not sleep in my bed. 2) You clean your shit after you're done shitting in MY toilet and 3) Do not drop anything sticky on the fucking floor, if you do, fucking clean it. Then there is this guy that sometimes comes to my home and asks me why is he the one sleeping on the floor! Fuck you man. Either this or a bridge somewhere out there in the rain and you complain?
Fucking line stepper.
Also, there are people that I know that are too friendly. I barely know them and they act like we've been friends since always, making dirty jokes they've heard that my actual friends use. No, you are an asshole, asshole. You cannot call me a fartshithead and no, you cannot tell me to go suck a bag of dicks. That is a privilege earned by the length and quality of time we spend together, fucking asshole!
There should a law that gives you legal right to shoot a man in his head if he is a line stepper. That shit seriously pisses me off.
Oh, I almost forgot yet another kind of line steppers: those who do not understand that they are so much younger than you that they need to shut up or else you're going to rip them apart. There is this guy I know that is at least 10 years younger than me who constantly gives me life advice. Man, I've been there, like, you know, 10 years ago? Would you please shut your smug mouth? The exact second I had the problem I dismissed the solution you are now so smugly proposing as idiotic because, you know, EXPERIENCE!? So fuck you, fucking retard and fuck your advice because they suck. Shut up and go eat a cockmeatsandwich.
3) The habbitual naggers
These fucks are even worse than facebook Sad Ones. They are unable to formulate a single sentence without whining. Fuck you. If I wanted to listen to whining, I'd rape a 12 year old and then tell her that she won't get the candy afterall and if I wanted to listen to someone's problems I would probably just visit my grandmother, your problems are not mine and I will not ever consider them mine. And I do not have a solution. So why are you still talking? Shove this up your mouth:
and also, go suck a bag of dicks.
2) The jack-one-topics
I am always up for a good conversation with interesting people, and mostly, I succeed at having fun while talking to others (mostly I have fun talking to myself which is similar to autofelatio, but better), but sometimes I meet people that are able to talk about only one topic. Possibly the one I do not care about. I have this friend that constantly talks about football. I have no real knowledge of it, I have no idea what the fuck is going on on the field and he just keeps talking about how Borussia München Münchern Duklefishc FC won some important game against FC Bang! Dynamo Alternator because Retardo deBilla didn't do a pullershot. Seriously, the blankness of my face doesn't give up that I do not understand and that I fucking do not want to understand? Talk about something else. Oh, no, he does have an another topic: fixing cars and what tires to use. Wow, and that's all? No books, movies, music, art, cooking, internet, games, philosophy, anything? No?
GO FUCK YOURSELF MOTHERFUCKINFUCKER and stop talking for fuck's sake! Or read a book.
And then there are those who are stuck in the ages after the last war. Mostly the conversations with them go like this:
Me: "Hi, where were you two days ago? I was trying to contact you."
Stormborn: "And where were you in '91 when bombs fell??? HUH??"
We are not at war. We are enjoying a time of peace. Please, I haven't seen much of the war and I'd like it to stay like this. Recently I was at this social gathering after I broke up from a really serious long-term relationship and was a bit depressed. There was also a man that seemed really on the edge and said that "he's had enough, he came here to relax because he's a bit pissed" to which I replied "yeah, man, I understand, me too." And then he caught me by surprise: "WHAT? YOU ALSO HAVE PTSD?"
It's been like almost 20 years. Can we kind of just try and forget the war already? Even our filmmakers stopped making war films. That has to mean something. Also, fuck yourself for making my day shitty just because you cannot control your fucking feels. Yeah, feels bad man, but go fuck a rotten goat and leave me the fuck alone with your PTSD.