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I went to the Doctor today, we are practically friends because we are the same age, I was one of her first patients, and sadly, she knows me better than I know myself. She looked at me this morning and asked how I was doing, I was polite as always "good thanks"... then the door closed. She said "Amy, you look out of it, you are definitely not yourself, now tell me the truth".

The truth... she had figured me out, I had not yet taken my morning dose of medication, which is not unusual, but since December I have been taking my medication in excess to the point she told me if I don't stop I am going to kill myself, and now the way I "want". I will die from a slow and painful death from kidney or liver failure... as dumb as it sounds coming out of a university educated individual, I honestly had no clue I could do that. I wanted the quick death, go to sleep, not wake up... thought that would happen, never the pain and suffering of kidney of liver failure.

It is odd, she mentioned one of my favorite movies, and actors, Trainspotting and Ewan Mcgregor. In the beginning and end of the movie he say's "Choose Life".

I being a lover of quotes had to get the entire quote, some of it is graphic (my apoogies for that - but not my writing) but so true.

"Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit- crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?"
-John Hodge

***RENTON - Character From Trainspotting.

That is a very tough quote I know, but it is very true. Not everything in life is perfect, if we all had a perfect life, even those who pretend to have them, what would be the point of life? Life if about up's and down's, life is about making hard choices... but in the end, I pray it is worth it all.

Today on the medication front, I have not over used, I actually made this collage the other night at my boyfriends, and I had no clue why. I got out of bed at 1am and did it, something told me too, I guess it was in preparation for today's meeting with my doctor :)

Sorry about the novel all, this is a long one I know.

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Choose your path daily:
"Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it." Matt 7:13-14