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dear friends!! will you meet me near the river, where we may hear the story of siddhartha's awakening, as told by hermann hesse? nearby, there is a little teahouse where pots of malty yunnan and bittersweet chocolate await us...

~
OM (excerpt)

And one day, when the wound burned violently, Siddhartha ferried across
the river, driven by a yearning, got off the boat and was willing to go
to the city and to look for his son. The river flowed softly and
quietly, it was the dry season, but its voice sounded strange: it
laughed! It laughed clearly. The river laughed, it laughed brightly
and clearly at the old ferryman. Siddhartha stopped, he bent over the
water, in order to hear even better, and he saw his face reflected in
the quietly moving waters, and in this reflected face there was
something, which reminded him, something he had forgotten, and as he
thought about it, he found it: this face resembled another face, which
he used to know and love and also fear. It resembled his father's face,
the Brahman. And he remembered how he, a long time ago, as a young man,
had forced his father to let him go to the penitents, how he had bed his
farewell to him, how he had gone and had never come back. Had his
father not also suffered the same pain for him, which he now suffered
for his son? Had his father not long since died, alone, without having
seen his son again? Did he not have to expect the same fate for
himself? Was it not a comedy, a strange and stupid matter, this
repetition, this running around in a fateful circle?

The river laughed. Yes, so it was, everything came back, which had not
been suffered and solved up to its end, the same pain was suffered over
and over again. But Siddhartha want back into the boat and ferried back
to the hut, thinking of his father, thinking of his son, laughed at by
the river, at odds with himself, tending towards despair, and not less
tending towards laughing along at himself and the entire world.

Alas, the wound was not blossoming yet, his heart was still fighting his
fate, cheerfulness and victory were not yet shining from his suffering.
Nevertheless, he felt hope, and once he had returned to the hut, he felt
an undefeatable desire to open up to Vasudeva, to show him everything,
the master of listening, to say everything.

Vasudeva was sitting in the hut and weaving a basket. He no longer used
the ferry-boat, his eyes were starting to get weak, and not just his
eyes; his arms and hands as well. Unchanged and flourishing was only
the joy and the cheerful benevolence of his face.

Siddhartha sat down next to the old man, slowly he started talking.
What they had never talked about, he now told him of, of his walk to
the city, at that time, of the burning wound, of his envy at the sight
of happy fathers, of his knowledge of the foolishness of such wishes, of
his futile fight against them. He reported everything, he was able to
say everything, even the most embarrassing parts, everything could be
said, everything shown, everything he could tell. He presented his
wound, also told how he fled today, how he ferried across the water,
a childish run-away, willing to walk to the city, how the river had
laughed.

While he spoke, spoke for a long time, while Vasudeva was listening
with a quiet face, Vasudeva's listening gave Siddhartha a stronger
sensation than ever before, he sensed how his pain, his fears flowed
over to him, how his secret hope flowed over, came back at him from
his counterpart. To show his wound to this listener was the same as
bathing it in the river, until it had cooled and become one with the
river. While he was still speaking, still admitting and confessing,
Siddhartha felt more and more that this was no longer Vasudeva, no
longer a human being, who was listening to him, that this motionless
listener was absorbing his confession into himself like a tree the rain,
that this motionless man was the river itself, that he was God himself,
that he was the eternal itself. And while Siddhartha stopped thinking
of himself and his wound, this realisation of Vasudeva's changed
character took possession of him, and the more he felt it and entered
into it, the less wondrous it became, the more he realised that
everything was in order and natural, that Vasudeva had already been like
this for a long time, almost forever, that only he had not quite
recognised it, yes, that he himself had almost reached the same state.
He felt, that he was now seeing old Vasudeva as the people see the
gods, and that this could not last; in his heart, he started bidding his
farewell to Vasudeva. Through all this, he talked incessantly.

When he had finished talking, Vasudeva turned his friendly eyes, which
had grown slightly weak, at him, said nothing, let his silent love and
cheerfulness, understanding and knowledge, shine at him. He took
Siddhartha's hand, led him to the seat by the bank, sat down with him,
smiled at the river.

"You've heard it laugh," he said. "But you haven't hea

February 23rd, 2008

The photo collage that I made is based on my mood as of right now. [8:05 PM]

There's nothing like sitting on your ass for countless hours, singing your heart out. Try it some time. I kinda went overboard and strained my voice, but I'm alright. Then I turned on "Riot" by Three Days Grace and I just started jumping around in my room, holy shit was it fun! Anywho, Like usual I've been watching movies all day. But my day also consisted of being stupid with John and of course singing. I woke up at 7:05 AM and I kinda got my energy up really fast. It was odd. Everyone woke up really nicely, no "uggggggh's" were moaned. John got ready for school and we woke Mom up, but he didn't go. We ran out of gas IN OUR DRIVEWAY and then Mom hurried up and like, drove around the block. When we got to a stop sign she asked John how much money he had. He told her to just go home so he didn't attend today.

I hope he doesn't get kicked out. It doesn't make any sense, All the staff of ITT were really friendly and nice and now their giving John the cold shoulder and silent treatment. Eh; they only ever want money.

John was thinking about going back to take Criminal Justice, but he doesn't know what he should do. Me on the other hand, I have everything planned out. I doubt it'll happen but, eh;

What Happens, Happens. Correct?

I really want to go to college for Photography, Film and maybe some other stuff. I'm interested in going to Berklee College of Music up in Boston and taking that course where you can learn how to create your own record label or something? I'm really interested in taking that. I think I'd be good at it. Since being a member of youtube, I've seen some amazing talent brace the site. I kinda wish I had a label to sign them to, but seeing as how I am only 15 and don't know anything in the recording business, I would be clueless.

Sure, I've been singing since I was 6 and I've learned some stuff with the help of various TV shows, DVD's, etc but still. That's something I would like to try to pursue in my life, as I think it'd be an amazing job.

So...I am sitting here, tired as hell. Hearing "Crawling" by Linkin Park blaring from my iPod across the room on my night stand over and over again. It's getting quite annoying. I hate having songs on repeat. But if it's a song that I'm really loving at the moment, I'll keep playing it and playing it. I hate how fast songs get overplayed, it makes elevator music sound really good about now.

So, my right leg hurts and I'm just about ready for bed. I keep forgetting to do things. Like, take my medicine and even make that damn bucket list. It's a list of everything I wanna do in life. Yeah, I haven't even started it yet. Kinda makes me mad.

Anyways, Heather WAS supposed to be coming over tomorrow but John and her are fighting again -_-;

Besides that, Mom made an excellent dinner tonight. She made Ham with Potato's. I know it doesn't sound like much but it was. I included two pieces of white bread with it and made kinda like, a Ham sandwich with the Ham on my plate. It was amazingly good. So, I'm full and totally ready for bed.

I didn't really do anything today. Besides watch movies and get online, eh; nothing. I keep nagging myself to read Vampire Kisses 2, but I just haven't opened it up yet. blaah.

Yeah, I think I'm going to bed now, I'm dead tired. I keep thinking of what to get on my 16th birthday. I really wouldn't mind my license, but I haven't even got my permit yet. Maybe because NO ONE trusts me with their car. It's pathetic. Why the hell doesn't anyone trust me behind the wheel of their car? It's getting super annoying. Mom let me pull the van up in the driveway a couple of times but STILL! How am I ever gonna learn if no one will just loosen up and trust me for god sakes! =/

Eh; Maybe my permit with a Tarina Tarantino Necklace? I think so. =) Or at least something from Tokidoki. I dunno.

Night! <3