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Trouble in the Larder - 3x2 inch Fridge Magnet - large magnetic button - Magnet

Rectangular wrap-around refrigerator magnet and a glossy mylar cover.

Large 2x3 inch rectangle fridge magnet or 'buttons' as they are sometimes known in the USA.

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masterchef

[or any 'food' or 'cooking' based show for that matter].

though let us be a tad particular for now.

master[batury]chef

this is england.

masterchef [sic - in respect to misstresschef]

here is the premise:

i'm pitching a show.

a television show.

for the fucking moocows. the family average. the majority. those who crave beer and circuses and no other.

here is the pitch:

two adult males involved in 'the celebrity food sector' will host the show.

every night, they are joined by several members of the undeserving 'public', who dream of being involved in 'the food sector' as a possible route to the 'the celebrity food sector'.

these plebian dreamers cook various foodstuffs for the two adult males from 'the celebrity food sector'.

the two male 'stars' then shovel laden forkfuls, loaded spoonfuls, veritable shovelfuls of food into their gaping maws.

these two adult males then retire to an ante room, sit in two comfortable chairs, and agonise over which particular noncelebrity plebian has rolled out the tastiest fodder.

the lucky [and very often tearful] winner moves on to the next 'round'.

at the end of the series, a person is 'crowned' MASTERCHEF!

the prize being an introduction into the more commercially 'upscaled' areas of the 'food sector'.

wherein one may well become that epitome of that cultural and intellectual culinary paradigm, 'the celebrity chef'.

the deconstruction:

firstly, i would no more take mainstream television, and the soma that fills its moronic channels, away from the majority any more than i would wrench a hot filled hypo from a confirmed smackhead.

that would be cruel in the extreme.

though i have to suggest, the disease is uncomfortably similar.

a desire to subvert reality and replace it with a dream like state which approximates utopia.

for smack, see food.

take note, you comfort eaters [and watchers], the word disease applies to both factions. smackheads and lipsmackheads.

you think this pitch would fly in namibia?

in the sudan?

does it not strike you as particularly uncomfortable and jarring that as people on your own planet [possibly your own country] die from starvation, you are watching shows that consist of no more than adult apes cooking food to feed to other adult apes?

furthermore, cooking food for what purpose with respect to the viewer exactly?

you cannot eat the food they cook.

they are cooking food for your visual enjoyment!

that is singularly disgusting. a celebration of gluttony.

a trumpeting of our hideously egregious western excesses.

this is something we should we be wholly disgusted by.

this is not entertainment.

it is an affront, a filled full belly fuck you.

to every person who wonders if they can find enough food to keep themselves, and their family, alive tomorrow.

fuck these shows.

fuck the disgusting notion of a 'celebrity chef'.

fuck starvation [i wish i could].

fuck our attitude.

fuck my attitude.

i stand guilty, as do you.

can we make a change?

i can only try.

what fills your fridge?

your larder?

enough, or too much?

i admit myself, way too much.

my tins, my freezer, my larder, my fridge.

this is too much.

i am thinking of a way to change.

the|G|™

ADDENDUM

re the moocows, i generalise. too sweepingly. it's a failing i do try to avoid, but sometimes, when both barrels fire simultaneously, it's unavoidable.

despite what is written above this addendum, i have no wish to spoil the enjoyment attained by others who have a liking for alimentary centered entertainment.

though i do wish to bring forth the possibilty of different conceptual 'readings' that can be made with reference to this form of 'entertainment'. readings made with respect to those who cannot even dream that entertainments such as this could possibly exist.

if this brings about psychological or moral discomfort, so much the better.

i used to watch some of these 'food' programmes blithely, without giving any thought to their relative meaning.

then i began to consider the incredible paradoxes and disturbing moral comlpexities these programmes generate

i cannot watch them any more. it is far too uncomfortable.

they are, fudamentally, a base celebration of the fact that we have a huge [i would say immoral] surfeit of food.

we have more food than we know what to do with.

we can toy with it, as a child toys with a ball.

we can throw it away without so much as a second thought.

we constantly invent new ways to present food.

we invent delightful new 'genres' of food i.e. nouvelle cuisine.

we see certain foods as fashionable. as 'de riguer' at the dinner party.

this makes me uncomfortable.

i am not seeking to denigrate anybody with direct reference to their chosen avenues of entertainment, i am merely asking those who may derive pleasure from food based entertainment to cast their nets a little wider when thinking about such programmes.

food as entertainment.

when considered, and given the circumstances in which bi

It looks like it's a weekend lunch for quite a few people to me. I can see it being out in the garden and hosted by an older couple (the writing reminds me of my grandmother's), from the items, I don't think that they are great gourmets or cooks, more the sorts to buy from the deli counter and with a preference to meat over vegetables and healthy thing. I think there would be children present, grandchildren perhaps? I hope they have some good early spring weather for their party!

Here's my interpretation of this list and what I'd do with it 'ready steady cook' style using the standard contents of a reasonably stocked larder and fridge for those essential extras.

New pototoes will be made into a salad with French dressing which I'd mix while the potatoes were still hot so that all of the delicious mustardy, herby garlicy flavours would work their way right it.

A nice simple salad with the lettuce and toms for any health concious guests with just a little olive oil and lemon dressing.

The eggs I'd hard boil, grate and mix with salt, pepper and some mayonnaise and serve on the buns which I'm interpreting as nice bread rolls - if there are children coming I'm sure these would go down well. I know I don't exactly have much experience with kids, but I recall egg sandwiches being popular!

I'd make a nice platters with the pies and cold meats, I'd cook the crown turkey and thinly slice cold.

I'd make another nice big plate of the pizzas which I'd cut up into slices let everyone help themselves.

The chips I'd keep in the kitchen for emergencies in case any kids are irritatingly picky and won't eat anything else!

To finish with, the gatau's

The Bicardie Breezers would be served on ice......

Toilet/rolls will go into the guest loo and the flash and w up liq will go under the sink in the kitchen to clean up the mess when everyone has gone.

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