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Crna Guja, kreten ili genije...procijenite sami.

The Black Adder The Foretelling
Blackadder "Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be here at our gates."
Queen "Oh, Edmund, I'm not ready. I haven't had a bath or anything."
Blackadder "Mother, Henry is our enemy. When his men get here they'll brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle."
Queen "I shan't bother to change, then."

The Archbishop
Blackadder "Tell me, Brother Baldrick, what exactly did God do to the Sodomites?"
Baldrick "I dunno, but I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other."

Queen "The Archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty little boy whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in the font."
King "Well, that was a long time ago."
Queen "It was last Thursday."

Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: I curse you, and hope that something slightly unpleasant happens to you, like an onion falling on your head."
Baldrick "Well, that is the bottom end of the market. They run all the way to this one, for four ducats."
Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: may the Lord hate you and all your kind, may you be turned orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awkward moment."

The Queen of Spain's Beard
King "Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France in sympathy for the death of his son."
Chiswick "The one you had murdered, My Lord...?"
King "Yes, that's the fellow."

Baldrick (on Blackadder's 'love bites') "Actually, I'd be prepared to swear they were dog bites."
Blackadder "They are not dog bites! She was very attractive."
Baldrick "What, shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes...?"

Percy "Well, it's a famous blue stone, and it comes... from Galveston."
Blackadder "I see. And what about it?"
Percy "Well, My Lord, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start."
Blackadder "I see. And have you ever seen this stone?"
Percy "No, not as such, My Lord, but I know a couple of people who have, and they say it's very very blue indeed."
Blackadder "And have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?"
Percy "No, I shouldn't think so, My Lord."
Blackadder "And neither have you, presumably."
Percy "No, My Lord."
Blackadder "So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen."

Translator (for Infanta) "Your nose is smaller than I expected."
Blackadder "I have suffered no similar disappointment."

Blackadder "The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen."
Baldrick "Mm! And who would want to marry the Earl of Doncaster?"
Blackadder "Well, no one wou- Brilliant! Of course! No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster! Except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort. Quick, what are we going to do?"
Baldrick "First I'll get you looking right. We just need something effeminate draped around your shoulders."
Blackadder "Either of the Beaufort twins would do."

Queen "Oh, look at the two lovebirds."
Blackadder "One lovebird, and one love elephant."

Witchsmeller Pursuivant
Blackadder (to Baldrick) "You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings." [the guards return]
Guard #1 "By the way, how's that eagle of yours?"
Guard #2 "Fine. Had a bit of trouble at first, but now I've clipped its wings, no problem."

The Black Seal
Blackadder (to Percy) "You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned I am reliably informed by women around the court wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be."

Blackadder (on Philip of Burgundy) "He murdered his whole family!"
Pete "Who didn't? I certainly killed mine."
Wilfred "And I killed mine."
Friar "And I killed yours."
Sean "Did you?"
Friar "Yes."
Sean "Good on you, father."


Blackadder II Bells
Blackadder "I use the word 'man' in its broadest possible sense. For, as we all know, God made man in his own image, and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick."

Percy "Sorry I'm late."
Blackadder "No, don't bother apologizing. I'm sorry you're alive."
Percy "Oh good, I see the target is ready. I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me."
Blackadder "Well, go to Spain. There are millions of them."

Blackadder "Jane Herrington?"
Percy "Yes."
Blackadder "Jane bury-me-in-a-Y-shaped-coffin Herrington?"
Percy "I... I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons."
Blackadder "No... Tall, blonde, elegant?"
Percy "Right, that's right."
Blackadder "Goes like a privy door when the plague is in town? Come on, get on with your shot. You'll get over her... I did... So did Baldrick actually."

Blackadder "You're really just an old quack, aren't you?"
Dr. Leech "I'd rather be a quack than a ducky."

Blackadder "Tell me young crone, is this Putney?"
Crone "That it be... that it be..."
Blackadder "'Yes it is', not 'that it be'. You don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me, I'm not a tourist."

Crone "Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is... a woman! And second, she is..."
Blackadder "Wise?"
Crone "You do know her then?"
Blackadder "No, just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful."

Blackadder "Thank you young crone. Here is a purse of moneys... which I'm not going to give to you."

Queen "Girls are normally called Elizabeth, or Mary."
Nursie "And Donald."
Queen "Mouth is open, Nursie: should be shut."
Nursie "But it's true, sweet one. I had three sisters, and they were called Donald, Eric and Basil."
Queen "Then why's your name Nursie?"
Nursie "That isn't my real name!"
Queen "Isn't it?"
Nursie "No."
Queen "What is your real name then?"
Nursie "Bernard."
Queen "Mmmm. It suits you."

Blackadder "Excuse me, could you move along please. Look, I'm waiting for my father in law. Last thing I want is some scruffy old beggar blocking the church door, smelling of cabbage."
Father "I am your father in law."
Blackadder "Oh no... alright, how much you want to clear off?"
Kate "Edmund, how could you? He's my father, my only living relative."
Father "Ten pounds should do the trick."

Head
Blackadder "If I have two beans and then I add two more beans, what does that make?"
Baldrick "Umm... a very small casserole?"

Blackadder "Now try again. One, two, three, four, so how many are there?"
Baldrick "Three."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "And that one."

Blackadder (on Percy's ruff) "You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate."
Percy "It's the latest fashion actually and as a matter of fact it makes me look rather s-e-xy!"
Blackadder "To another plate-swallowing bird perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months."

Melchett "Unhappily Blackadder, the Lord High Executioner is dead."
Blackadder "Oh, woe. Murdered of course?"
Melchett "Oddly enough, no. They usually are but this one just got careless one night and signed his name on the wrong dotted line. They came for him while he slept."

Blackadder "A family atmosphere? This is meant to be a plce of pain and misery and sorrow!"
Cook "That's what I mean, sir."
Gaoler "Mistress Ploppy's a bit of a social realist, sir."

Potato
Blackadder "And where would I find him on a Tuesday?"
Walter "Well, if I remember his old habits, he's normally up the Old Sea Dog."
Blackadder "Oh, yes. And where is the Old Sea Dog?"
Walter "Well, on Tuesdays, he's normally in bed with the captain."

Blackadder "Better a lap-dog to a slip of a girl than a... git!"

Money
Percy "It's just over a thousand methinks, and has for years been hidden beyond the wit of any thief..." [Blackadder joins in] "...in an old sock under the squeaky floorboard..." [Baldrick joins in] "...behind the kitchen dresser."
Percy "You've seen it?"
Blackadder "Seen it, pinched it, spent it. And the same goes for the two farthings Balrick thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy potato."
Baldrick "Oh, bloody hell!"

Bishop "You see, I am a colossal pervert. No form of s-e-xual depravity is too low for me. Animal, vegetable or mineral, I'll do anything to anything."
Blackadder "Ah - fine words for a bishop. Nice to hear the church speaking out for a change on social issues."

Bishop "You fiend! Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity. Have you ever considered a career in the church?"

Beer
Blackadder "It is said, Percy, that civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God."
Percy (delighted) "Yes, I'd heard that."
Blackadder "Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best."

Baldrick "Lord Melchett is very sick."
Blackadder "Really?"
Baldrick "Yes. He's at death's door."
Blackadder "Well, my faithful old reinstated family retainer, let's go and open it for him then!"

Blackadder (on his fake breasts) "Oh, God - my ear muffs have fallen down!"

Chains
Blackadder "Oh, for God's sake. How... can... you... question... me... if... you... don't... speak... English?"
Torturer "No! Yo pregunto las questiones."
Blackadder "All right, let's start with the basics. English is a non-inflected Indo-European language derived from..."

Ludwig "You find yourself amusing, Blackadder."
Blackadder "I try not to fly in the face of public opinion."

Melchett "Perhaps some pleasant word game?"
Blackadder "Yes, all right. Make a sentence out of the following words: face - sodding - your - shut."

Queen "It's just like parties I had when I was tiny. We had tea and cakes and venison and then a trip with a couple of little friends to the executions."
Percy "How sweet."
Queen "If I wanted any of my friends executed, that is."


Blackadder the Third Dish and Dishonesty
Pitt the Younger "I now call upon the leader of the opposition to test me on my Latin vocab."

Blackadder "First name?"
Baldrick "Not sure."
Blackadder "You must have some idea."
Baldrick "Well, it might be Sod Off."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "When I used to play in the gutter I used to say to the other snipes 'Hello, my name's Baldrick', and they used to say 'Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick.'"

Blackadder "As a special reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday." [no pause] "Did you enjoy it? Right."

Blackadder "I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel."

Ink and Incapacity
Blackadder "I believe, sir, that the doctor is trying to tell you that he is happy because he has finished his book. It has apparently taken him ten years."
George "Yes. Well, I'm a slow reader myself."

Blackadder (on Johnson) "I'd bump into cleverer people at a lodge meeting of the Guild of Village Idiots."
Baldrick "That's not what you said when you sent him your navel."
Blackadder "Novel, Baldrick, not navel. I sent him my novel."

Johnson (to George) "Sir! I hope that you are not using this first English dictionary to look up rude words."
Blackadder "Well, I wouldn't be too hopeful - that's what all the other ones will be used for."

Nob and Nobility
Mrs. Miggins "Bonjewer, monsewer. It's French."
Blackadder "So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating in the street. But that's no reason to inflict it on the rest of us."

Blackadder "We hate the French! We fight wars against them! Did all those men die in vain on the field of Agincout? Was the man who burnt Joan of Arc simply wasting good matches?"

George (on Baldrick) "The chances of me scoring if I look and smell like him are zero."
Blackadder "That's true, sir. We shall return presently to bid you farewell."
Baldrick "Mr. B, I've been having second thoughts about this trip to France."
Blackadder "Oh, why?"
Baldrick "Well, as far as I can see, looking and smelling like this, there's not much chance of me scoring either."

Blackadder (on the Scarlet Pimpernel) "He's the most overrated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD 31 Best Disciple Competition."

Blackadder "Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words 'I have a cunning plan' marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?"

Sense and Senility
Blackadder "Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship."
Baldrick "Thank you, Mr. B."
Blackadder "But, as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply 'Sod off, and if I ever meet you again, it will be twenty billion years too soon'." [He leaves.]
Baldrick "Goodbye you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard."

Amy and Amiability
Blackadder "One is born, one runs up bills, one dies. And what have I got to show for it. Nothing! A butler's uniform and a slightly effeminate hairdo."

Baldrick "Don't worry mister B, I have a cunning plan to solve the problem."
Blackadder "Yes Baldrick, let us not forget that you tried to solve the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head."

Blackadder "You've been cutting out the cuttings about the elusive Shadow to put in your highwayman scrap book, haven't you?"
Baldrick "Oh, I can't help it, Mr. B! His life is so dark and shadowy and full of fear and trepidation!"
Blackadder "So's going to the toilet in the middle of the night but you don't keep a scrap book on it."
Baldrick "Yes I do."

Blackadder "Mrs. M, if we were the last three humans on earth, I would be trying to start a family with Baldrick."

Blackadder "Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?"
Baldrick "No, but I've often thought I'd like to."
Blackadder "Well don't, it's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough sinewy men roam the valleys terrorising people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the placenames. Never ask for directions in Wales Baldrick, you'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight."

Blackadder "You mean he's dead?"
Amy "Yes. Dead as that squirrel."
Blackadder "Which squirrel?" [She fires. SQUEAK!] "Oh, that squirrel."

Blackadder "Oh, God, what a way to die. Shot by a transvestite on an unrealistic grassy knoll."

Duel and Duality
Blackadder "And how stands that mighty army, the Clan MacAdder?"
MacAdder "They're both well."
Blackadder "I've always thought Jamie and Angus were such fine boys."
MacAdder "Angus is a girl."

Blackadder "I'm afraid the duel is off."
George "Off!?"
Blackadder "As in sod. I'm not doing it."


Blackadder Goes Forth Plan A: Captain Cook
Baldrick "My father was a nun."
Blackadder "No he wasn't."
Baldrick "He was so, I know because whenever he was in court and the judge used to say 'occupation' he'd say 'nun'."

Blackadder (on his epitaph) "Here lies Edmund Blackadder - and he's bloody annoyed."

Plan B: Corporal Punishment
Perkins "I must say, Captain, I've got to admire your balls."
Blackadder "Perhaps later."

Blackadder (to George and Baldrick) "Henceforth I shall pray nightly to the God who killed Cain and squashed Samson that he comes out of retirement and gets back into pracice with the pair of you." [He answers the phone.] "Blackadder. Ah, Captain Darling... You want two volunteers for a mission into No Man's Land. Codename - Operation Certain Death. Yes, I think I have just the fellows." [Hangs up.] "God is very quick these days."

Plan C: Major Star
Blackadder (on Charlie Chaplin) "I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then finding there's a gas bill tied to it.

Blackadder (to Bob) "You are a girl. And you're a girl with as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get into a polar-bears only club."

Blackadder "A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the Vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside."

Blackadder "Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests their are tribes of Indians as yet untouched by civilisation who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin impressions that yours."

Blackadder (to George) "You were the least convincing female impressionist since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick."

Plan D: Private Plane
Blackadder "For 'magnificent men' read 'biggest show-offs since Lady Godiva entered the enclosure at Ascot claiming she had literally nothing to wear'."

Blackadder "Trust you to skive off to some cushy option."
Darling "There is nothing cushy about life in the Women's Auxiliary Balloon Corps."

Blackadder "The Teutonic reputation for brutality is well founded. Their operas last three or four days and they have no word for 'fluffy'."

Richthoven "Ah, and Lord Flashheart, this is indeed an honour. Finally the two greatest gentlemen flyers in the vorld meet. Two men of honour who have jousted together in the cloud-strewn glory of the skies are face to face at last. How often have I rehearsed this moment of destiny in my dreams. The valour we two encapsulate, the unspoken nobility of our comradeship, the..." [Flashheart shoots him dead.]
Flashheart "What a poof! Let's go!"

Plan E: General Hospital
Blackadder "I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with... 't'."
Baldrick "Breakfast."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "My breakfast always begins with tea, thenI have a little sausage. Then an egg with some little soldiers."
Blackadder "When I say it begins with 't', I meant a letter."
Baldrick "No, it never begins with a letter, the postman don't come until 10.30."

Percy "I'm as British as Queen Victoria!"
Blackadder "You mean your father's German, you're half German and you married a German?"

Mary "Do you have someone special in your life?"
Blackadder "Well, yes I do, as a matter of fact."
Mary "Who?"
Blackadder "Me."
Mary "No, someone you love and cherish and want to keep safe from all the horror and the hurt?"
Blackadder "Still me, really."

Plan F: Goodbyeee
Baldrick (on the war) "I heard it started when some chap called Archie Duke shot an ostich because he was hungry."
Blackadder "I think you mean it started when the Arch-Duke of Austro-Hungary got shot."
Baldrick "No, there was definitely an ostrich involved."

Blackadder "The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterent. That way there could never be a war."
Baldrick "Except, well, this is a sort of war, isn't it?"
Blackadder "That's right, there was one tiny flaw in the plan."
George "Oh, what was that?"
Blackadder "It was bollocks."

Melchett "Do you love your country, soldier?"
Baldrick "Certainly do, sir."
Melchett "And do you love your king?"
Baldrick "Certainly don't, sir."
Melchett "Why not?"
Baldrick "My mum told me never to trust men with beards."

Baldrick (on joining up) "It was great - the first time I've ever really felt popular, everyone was cheering and throwing flowers, a gril actually came up and kissed me."
Blackadder "Poor woman - first casualty of the war."

Blackadder "My God, you've got it, you've got it!" [Kisses Baldrick.]
Baldrick "Well, if I've got it, you've got it too now, sir."

Blackadder "Both sides advanced further during one Christmas piss-up than we've managed in the next two and a half years."
Baldrick "Sir, sir, do you remember the football match sir?"
Blackadder "Remember it, how could I forget it? I was never offside, I could not believe that decision."

Blackadder "I think the phrase rhymes with 'clucking bell'."

Percy "Made a note in my diary on the way here. Says simply 'ber'."


Blackadder's Christmas Carol

Blackadder "Baldrick, you wouldn't recognise a cunning plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Cunning plans are here again'."




The Black Adder

(episodes 1-5)

The sound of hoof beats 'cross the glade,
Good folk, lock up your son and daughter,
Beware the deadly flashing blade,
Unless you want to end up shorter.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he rides a pitch black steed.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he's very bad indeed.
Black: his gloves of finest mole,
Black: his codpiece made of metal,
His horse is blacker than a vole,
His pot is blacker than his kettle.
Black Adder, Black Adder, with many an cunning plan.
Black Adder, Black Adder, you horrid little man.

"The Black Seal" (episode 6)
So now the wage of sin is paid,
The blameless dead, the black steed grazes.
The only sound across the glade
Is Edmund pushing up the daisies.
Black Adder, Black Adder, a shame about the plan.
Black Adder, Black Adder, tha' worked, you horrid man.

Blackadder II

"Bells"
Lord Flashheart tweaked the Adder's beard.

From now he always shall be single.
To fall in love with boys is weird,
Especially boys without a dingle.
Black Adder, Black Adder, his taste is rather odd.
Black Adder, Black Adder, the randy little sod.
Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, I wish you were the star.
Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, you're sexier by far.

"Head"
His great-grandfather was a king,
Although for only thirty seconds.
When put in charge of beheading,
He felt that fame and glory beckoned.
Black Adder, Black Adder, no such blooming luck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, Elizabethan shmuck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, nothing goes as planned.
Black Adder, Black Adder, life deals him a bum hand.

"Potato"
Sir Francis and Sir Walter had
Discovered new worlds and new nations.
And though Black Adder thought them mad,
He tried his hand at navigation.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he saw the ocean's foam.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he should have stayed at home.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he heard the new world's call.
Black Adder, Black Adder, discovered ber-all.

"Money"
Take heed the moral of this tale:
Be not a borrower or lender.
And if your finances do fail,
Make sure your banker's not a bender.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he trusted in the church.
Black Adder, Black Adder, it left him in the lurch.
Black Adder, Black Adder, his life was almost done.
Black Adder, Black Adder, who gives a toss? No one.

"Beer"
Black Adder couldn't hold his beer.
The art of boozing he's not mastered.
And I, your merry balladeer,
Am also well and truly plastered.
Black Adder, Black Adder, a bit like Robin Hood.
Black Adder, Black Adder, but nothing like as good.
Black Ad, Black Adder, I thought that he had died.
Black Adder, Black Adder, our writers must have lied.

"Chains"
Beware all ye who lust for fame.
The path of life is most uncertain.
Prince Ludwig thought he'd won the game.
But now the Kraut's gone for a burton.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he beat the Hun by luck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he's smarter than a duck.
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, intelligent and deep.
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, a shame about the sheep.

Blackadder's Christmas Carol
He's kind & gen'rous to the sick,
He'd never spread a nasty rumour.
He never gets on people's wick,
And doesn't laugh at toilet humour.
Blackadder, Blackadder,
He's sickeningly good.
Blackadder, Blackadder,
As nice as Christmas pud.

Blackadder Back & Forth closing song
Let joy fill every Briton's heart,
For now the country's going to make it.
At last a King who looks the part,
At last a Queen who looks good naked.

Blackadder,
Blackadder,
A monarch with panache,
Blackadder,
Blackadder
He's got a nice moustache

Everything he wants he'll get,
The world is now Blackadder's oyster,
Most Prime Ministers are wet,
But Baldrick he is even moister.

Blackadder,
Blackadder,
A dog who's got his bone,
Blackadder,
Blackadder,
A bastard on the throne

Blackadder,
Blackadder,
His beard is neatly curled,
Blackadder,
Blackadder,
He's going to rule the world

< prosinac, 2006 >
P U S Č P S N
        1 2 3
4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30 31

Svibanj 2010 (1)
Travanj 2009 (1)
Ožujak 2009 (1)
Kolovoz 2007 (1)
Srpanj 2007 (1)
Ožujak 2007 (2)
Veljača 2007 (3)
Siječanj 2007 (3)
Prosinac 2006 (3)
Studeni 2006 (4)
Listopad 2006 (4)
Rujan 2006 (3)
Kolovoz 2006 (5)
Srpanj 2006 (3)
Lipanj 2006 (3)
Svibanj 2006 (7)
Travanj 2006 (7)
Ožujak 2006 (5)

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subota, 23.12.2006.

Krv, znoj i suze 2, čičina najveća ljubav, vatrena voda i mali inuiti koji hasaju kitovo salo...

Rano slavonsko jutro…izmaglica na pustim seoskim cestama, lokalni lokaroš se posljednjim atomima snage izvlači iz kanala pored ceste…auto staje pred malom kućicom a na vratima te dočekuje krezubi dedica sa pladnjem na kojem stoji rakija. Izlaziš iz prijevoznog sredstva i prvim korakom koji napraviš prisjetiš se da pivo i bambus idu zajedno ali ne u količinama koje si ti sinoć konzumirao. Čiča se smije: „Majstore jeste za rakijicu?“ Čiča jedi govna i ti i tvoja brlja, izrigat ću ti se po cipelama…inače bi drage volje povukao slavonske svete vode, tekućine za slavlje, bezrazložno opijanje, odmaščivanje motora i osljepljivanje protivnika u kninđa stilu, ali želudac kaže ne.
Ulaziš u dvorište gdje te čeka i baba, čičina nekoć ljepša polovica a sada samo hrpa liječničkih računa i 105 vrsta bolesti kostiju, ali dva zuba više od čiče…prilaziš simpatičnoj bakici, a ona tebi: „Majstore jeste za rakijicu?“, stišćeš šaku i onako lelujav spajaš ju sa babinom facom, baba pada na pod a ti joj skačeš po smežuranom licu, njena prastara krv štrca po tvojim ofucanim trapericama, čiča bespomoćno tuli dok te svi gledaju u čuđenju…pa nekoć je bio miran momak…rakija se proljeva po betonu i miješa se sa tankim potocima grimizne krvi…tada te poznato SKVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIK SKVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIK budi iz sanjarenja i kažeš babi :“Ne bi hvala, a ona krene nudit dalje“
Dolaziš do svinjca i tamo ugledaš predmet svojih žudnji, 350 kila kobasica, šunki, krvavica i šnicli koje čekaju da ih napraviš. Pogledaš joj u prelijepe tamne oči,pomalo tužne i sjetne, prelijepa Pietrenka ili je Hipor ili Landras, ne znaš i boli te kurac nikada se nisi potrudio naučiti razliku rupa je rupa a krmača je krmača, za tebe su sve one iste samo komadi mesa i predmet žudnje. Na trenutak dok gledaš u dubinu njezinih očiju pod tim dugačkim lijepim trepavicama, prelaziš pogledom preko njenog dugačkog čela, izduženog tijela do malog ufrkanog, otvarač za čepove, repića i na trenutak, samo na trenutak osjetiš sažaljenje, al onda se sjetiš masti kako ti curi niz bradu dok pohotno kidaš zubima komade krvavo pečenog mesa i zaboraviše na sve i obuzme te čežnja. „Ajde oćemo samo da stojimo ili ćemo da je koljemo?“ Najhrabriji iz ekipe riskira život i ulazi u svinjac naoružan samo sajlom…na blef turne krmači prst kroz analni vjenčić u analnu šupljinu, ne da bi smirio nemirnu zvijer nego zato što mu se sviđa osjećaj, i drugom rukom joj prebaci omču preko njuške, taman onako da joj se zaglavi iza očnjaka…i izvlači svinju iz svinjca…svi čekaju napeto, svinjče začuđujuće mirno i poslušno izlazi, na čičinom oku se nazire suza i on se okreće na drugu stranu, ipak je odgojio neman od malena, hranio ju je mlijekom iz bočice kad joj je mater jedne noći skončala usliejd posljedica koje je na njoj ostavila noć orgijanja sa seoskim starješinama. Vaš stručnjak za klanje, čovjek koji je pobio više svinja od grupe pijanih lovaca na ljetovanju u Švarcvaldu, prilazi mrcini od krmače i prislanja joj komad hladnog željeza na čelo, potmuli pucanj SKVIIIIIIIIIIIK, malo GRGLJ;GRLGJ , još malo SKVIIIIK i ona kleči, majstor grabi nož i zabija joj ga pod grlo i stručnim potezom otvara vratnu arteriju dok njegov vjerni pomoćnik hvata krv u posudu, dok se svi ostali svom težinom oslanjaju na krme da ih sve ne poubija. I onda trenutak trijumfa, puštamo drevne zvukove zadovoljstva i divljenja prema obavljenom poslu dok svi osjećaju silan ponos i radost, „ ah, jesmo je! Dobro se borila gara, al je pala sunce joj kalaisano!“ čiča, sada sa ispraznim pogledom u očima i očitom tugom u srcu, i baba opet dijele rakiju ali sada iz čaša a ne iz štamplica (za one koji nisu upoznati sa nomenklaturom pijačih rekvizita: Štamplica je ona jebena mala čašica koja služi samo za brzopotezno trusenje rakiještina i inih žestokih proizvoda kućne radinosti i domaćih proizvođača alkoholnih pića, obično može primiti 0,3 do o,5 dcl ljute tekućine), jer sad je vrijeme za isplatu dogovorene cijen, ali teka nakon veterinarske inspekcije, pregleda na salmonelu i spolne bolesti, jer svi znamokakav je čiča kad popije.
Al jebiga sada počinje teži posao….treba ju dići na vješala, rasporiti izvaditi iznutrice, ako nemaš pripremljena onda se crijeva odvajaju i peru od izlučevina i fecesnih komadićaka da bi se kasnije punila kojekakvim verzijama mljevenog ili sitno sjeckanog mesa pomiješanog sa začinima.
Ne da mi se dužiti sa ostalim detaljima klanja, svi vi sa mog područja znate kako to ide, a mislim i da dobar dio ostalih…
Ove godine sam hvala bogu izbjegao samo klanje (nije da mi se gadi nego nisam bio potreban) tako da sam došao na polutke. Da, da znam sad će zelembaći i vegetarijanci skočit, kako to nije humano i kako svinja pati i to nije u redu, da ne spominjemo manjak ikakvih mjera sigurnosti ili ne dao bog higijene pri pripremi svega toga. Ali boli sve kurac za to(samo da znate da se i paprike dere kad ju režeš, doduše puno suptilnije od svinje,a li se dere), možda bi trebalo neke stvari promijeniti ali to je kod nas poprimilo značenje rituala koji se odvija jednom godišnje… i ne može mi nitko reći da je onaj kulen iz trgovine bolji od onog koji napraviš sam..jebeš ti to sve.
Životinje pate pri tome…istina ali iskreno ne znam puno bržih načina za umrijeti od 5 centimetar duge igle koja ti se trenutačno zabija u mozak nekoć je to išlo malo teže, sjekira u čelo, ili ako se povuče previše čičine vatrene vode onda se okuražiš pa ju ideš odmah rušit i klat…bude tu i posla za hitnu, ako uopće stigneš do hitne kad te razjarena svinje dohvati…kao što sam jednom već napomenuo svinje su zapravo sretne kad znaju da ćeš ih zaklat…ne skviče one od straha nego od radosti…pa njima je odvratn zapravo, žive u maloj prostoriji u kojoj jedu i seru i spavaju, cimeri su im prave svinje, krmače dapače, jedu jebene splačine nema grijanja, nema ni mjesta i još koja ti je prva stvar koju napraviš kad se probudiš? Obučeš čizme odeš u svinjac nježno joj priđeš s leđa šapneš nešto milo u uho i khm…šutneš ju sa svojim novim martama koje si kupio novcem koji si dobio prodajom njezine djece, naravno, one pate od depresije i prekomjerne težine, visok tlak i problemi sa kardio-vaskularnim sustavom. Svinja je tu da se pojede, a da bi to napravio moraš ju nekako smiriti da bi ju mogao rastaviti na dijelove…svjestan sam ja da se to nekima gadi i smrdi…ali dok dođe do tanjura smrdi puno manje.
A tu je i običajna komponenta, za kolinje kažu da je to primitivizam i divljaštvo, bespotrebno mučenje životinja…svake godine oni tamo eskimi imaju pravo roknut par kitova, okruže ih čamcima i nabiju im špicaste štapove sa kontra-kukicama u raspoložive dijelove tijela i onda čekaju da iskrvare u moru pa ih izvuku van gdje ih ogule i izrežu golemim čakijama (tzv. Jebeno velike čakije za trančiranje kitova iliti JVČTK) na male komade, kad očiste i spreme JVČTK onda uzimaju komade sirovog kitovog sala i jedu ga i onda snimaju sretne male eskime, inuite..kako se trpaju sa komadom sala koje im se cijedi niz brade a oni zadovoljno mljackaju i govore:“ Haburu, haburu kita“…e to je dio folklora i tradicije, očito ti kitovi ne pate, al jebiga mi smo puno veće sirovine od neukih plemena i to se kod nas radi samo iz trenda zadnjih nekoliko godina za razliku od sjevernog pola…i svinje su manje od kitova i ne mogu se braniti ko slobodni Vili. Al kod nas je to više kul…pije se dok se radi, i onda se jede i pije, pa se još malo pije, pa si netko odreže prst pa se svi zajedno smijemo dok se ovaj ne sruši od manjka krvi, onda još malo piješ dok se miješaju kobasice, pa si popiješ još koju kad staneš da zapališ…i tako dalje i tako dalje…
I atko to ide već generacijama, doduše napravi se i puno posla između rakija...ispeku se i ražnjići i đigerica...smokin
Pozdrav od Gospodara Majmuna
mahwave



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ponedjeljak, 11.12.2006.

Boca ruma na svetu noć, Karl i božićna priča utopljena u fermentiranim sokovima....tat kupi mi kninđa kornjaču BOŽIĆ JE!!!...dobro još nije ali tu je blizu samo što nije....jebote nikako ostat bez slova mislim da su povećali kapacitet na naslovima...vidi

Još jedan tipični 12 mjesec, vani pada snijeg, djeca se grudaju i prave snjegoviće u iščekivanju božićnih darova, lokalni pijanci smrznuti umiru ispod bora grleći bocu badelovog konjaka i prisjećajući se slavnih pohoda. Domaćica veselo pripremaju kolače za nadolazeće blagdane…toliko o izvještaju iz sjevernog Sibira. Kod nas je kao što i sami vidite slika malo drugačija, klinci se rolaju, pijanci bezbrižno spavaju po klupama u parkovima…još jedna godina sa usranim vremenom. Ali sve to ne sprječava naše revne i orne građane da se prepuste trulom kapitalističkom, potrošačkom duhu kao pravi katolici. Svuda vas gleda nasmiješeni djedica u crvenom kostimu, bijele brade…ne, ne mislim na vašeg lokalnog voajera, nego na najljepši proizvod kapitalizma Djed Mraz (to kad sam ja bio mali, sada kažu da je Djed Božićnjak ili Djed Božić i još kojekakakve nebuloze koje su kulminirale sa Djedom Zimom). A jesu se zajebali u Koka koli…to je zapravo pijani Karl Marx u svom komunističkom kaputu koji nosi propagandne letke, ali nemojte im reći.
Svake godine ista govna…ulice se pretvaraju u male avionske piste osvijetljene do krajnjih granica lošeg ukusa, kič je pohvala za tendenciju naših najmilijih i najomraženijih, ka ukrašavanju svojih rupa u zidovima i fasada. Sove dobivaju napade panike, šišmiši da ne spavaju bi nosili tamne naočale, čak se i vaš lokalni pijanac zbuni kad ga jarko svjetlo zajebe i pomisli ako je jutro i njegova najdraža birtija se otvara…kad se razočara onda pravi anđele u snijegu. Sve je to dim od ženskog spolovila, čak su i meni uvalili u prozor neku svjetleću pizdariju…hvala bogu ne trepće…ali gasi se to kad svi oni pozaspu.
Trgovine doduše uživaju…tko je ikada božićnicu sačuvao do prvog mjeseca, naravno ako spadate u onu sretnu kategoriju koja je vidjela tu za neke mitsku cifru, sve što se zaradi a ponekad i ne zaradi potroši se na nova đepna čudovišta, aute koji se penju po zidovima, robote koji se pretvarju u aute koji se penju po zidovima sa sound blasterima i boom boxovima (sjećate se toga…ma znate ona pizdarija koju su nosili reperi crnci u filmovima amerićanskim tamo negdje davnih osamdesetih i početkom devedesetih, ono ko mrga od kazetofona u koji je išlo osamdeset najvećih baterija ili akumulator od Antonova AN-2-to vam je ono čim naši zaprašuju komarce i bacaju padobranitelje) i laserski navođenim spužvastim raketama koje ne eksplodiraju pri udaru jer to nije dobro za djecu, i na kičaste ukrase, pulovere sa životinjama u obliku sobova, na umjetno drveće ili na pravo uskoro suho, iglice su posvuda, joj jebote zapalio mi se bor zbog loših instalacija bor, živo vazda zeleno do 10.01. sljedeće godine drveće. Dok naravno neki od nas to potroše na mnogo smisleniji način…alkohol na primjer. Kad sam već kod toga, alkohola mislim (koji ja naravno ne odobravam u nikakvom obliku pa ni kao gorivo za aute) tu je i ono meni najdraže kod svih kršćanskih blagdana….HEDONIZAM, da, da, hedonizam sa velikim slovima…žderačina i oblokavanje za božić dosižu epske proporcije to su trenutci o kojima pričamo svojim punoljetnim unucima kad im dokazujemo kako je njihov djed/baba bio/la kul u svoje vrijeme…sinko onu noć kad sam ti pojebo babu prvi put (odmah poslije ponoćke iza župnog ureda…bio sam ministrant) sam bio toliko pijan da sam rigao po velečasnom kad nas je uhvatio i htio nas slikati, i po tvom pokojnom pradjedu, lahka mu zemljica, a prije toga sam sa društvom poždero 3 kile svinjetine, po kile francuske slate i popio 15 piva…deda ti je bio pravi igrač. Na šta će se on nasmijati i reći šta je to alkohol, puknit tabletu u usta i pretvorit se u jazavca (a šta…to je budućnost, moguće je…neće više biti cuge u budućnosti). To za božić je zakon, malo badnjak jebe sa ribom, ali i to ima lijeka, malo hobotnice ili lignjuna i ko sisa, ali ostatak…svinjetina, janjetina, puretina i sve ostale ine na tanjuru, dodatne kile (tko ja se udebljo, mala varaš se to ti je ljubavni žulj, naslage za zimu) i osjećaj jada kad sve to prođe. A nova godina nam donosi one užitke više tekuće orijentacije.
Svemu tome svake godine protive se naši crkvenjaci… jer naravno Božić je vrijeme kad se sjećamo rođenja našeg spasitelja Isusa Krista…i žderemo svinjetinu i francusku salatu. Ipak su oni više duhovni ljudi, drugačijeg pogleda na život. Oni gledaju na dublje stvari u životu, dublje đepove, dublja sjedala na novom autu, dublje khm! kod nove sobarice koja dublira kao sprava za samozadovoljavanje…ali jebiga raja više voli ovu prokletu smrtnim grijesima protkanu stranu prepunu plastičnih kninđa kornjača i skupih vina i jeftinog šampanjca. Klinci više vole djeda mra…Karl Marxa od bejbi sejviora jer im potonji ne donosi poklone…a šta češ ipak smo kršćanska nacija…

Pozdrav i isprike od Gospodara Majmuna!!!
mahwave



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utorak, 05.12.2006.

Gali, ljudi šišmiši i njihovi maloljetni ljubavnici, pimp druidi i zeleni ljudi...ma uglavnom

Brljavim ja po netu kad tamo negdje oko 25-e minute naletih na vip-u na jedan članak sa slikom Asteriksa…rekoh možda su opet snimili neku bljuvotinu od filma pa da vidim. Kad ono čorak…ode mali gal na obnavljanje i uljepšavanje…ne, ne ide na face-lifting, botox, ugrađivanje silikonskih dojki, devinih trepavica, karbonskih noktiju a bogami ni na liposukciju…nije on Cigan Nevenović…ipak je to galski ratnik. Samo će mu obnoviti boje i povećati format…mislim stripa, perveri jedni. Možda pošalju Obelixa na dijetu ipak, šta je-je, treba štiti veprove jer oni su krhka i blaga bića u što su se neki uvjerili iz prve ruke…znate vi koji, da sad ne imenujemo nikakve Uhide Johnove. Već sam se pobojao da će i njega promijeniti kao Gothamskog šišmišara bezvremenog gay-pedofila sa nacrtanim obrvama, pivskom škembom i neuništivim mladcem koji sjedi pored njega u njegovoj, lijek za sindrom poodmaklih godina, prepravljenoj korveti…da,da ona iz reklame sa v8 motorom koja do 100 ubrza za samo 5 sekundi, Robinom…nekoć je bio narodski čova sa žutim opasačem za svakojake pizdarhije (po naški: žuti jutiliti belt ili betbelt), pretvoriše ga u nekog neo Village People-a sa gumenim fetiš odijelom i obrisali mu trepavice.




Ne Asterix će ostati samo obični brkati gal sa napoleonskim kompleksom, koji se trpa sa čudesnim steroidima koji mu dostavlja lokalni diler preobučen u druida Čudomixa (druid- čiko sa srpom bez čekića, nekoć trula buržoazija i dio visokog društva u kelta, većinu vremena visi po hrastovima gdje bere imelu i onanira ljudima na tjeme, a sada pripadnik hrpe new-age, ekološki osviještene sekte koja je izgubila život igrajući D´n´D i čitajući mitologije starih naroda, koji se sastaju svakog solsticija na bakanalijama gdje piju, puše, seksaju se i drogiraju se do neprepoznatljivosti po principu „ko prvi stigne prvom se digne“) koji u slobodno vrijeme rasprodaje pohotnim rimljanima nejljepše primjerke galske čednosti što muške što ženske, sa debelim prijateljem nadljudske, gotovo Hulkovske snage (Hulk-doktor Bruce _Banner kad popizdi odmah i pozeleni da bi se stopio sa okolnom florom i njegovoj snazi u tom trenutku može parirati samo njegova nevjerojatna glupost) jer je kao mali pao u kotao speed-a koji je kuhao druid/diler/pimp Čudomix. Naravno ta velika količina pero-lake droge kojoj je izložen u mladosti lagano je utjecala i na njegovu inteligenciju pa sada radost pronalazi u narodnjacima, žderanju veprovine (koju lovi ručno) i rušenju drveća gdje piša njegov pas/animalni ljubavnik Snupix, i pati za dodirom tople ženske ruke lokalne cajke i radodajke nazovimo je Rajka.naughty

A cijelo vrijeme se piče sa onim rimljanima jer su oni zauzeli cijelu Galiju (to vam je danas manje-više francuska, a svi znamo da francusku nisu uspjeli zauzeti samo oni koji to nisu ni pokušali) osim njihovog seoceta koje im je trn u oku već nekoliko godina jer tu su Asterix, Obleix i ostali nadrogirani Gali koje nitko ne može pobijediti. Kao da rimljanima treba neka VUKOJEBINA, sjedište lokalnog narko kartela čiji je najjači izvozni proizvod reciklirane djevice, junkie patuljak i mentalno zaostala kopija Bud Spencera. Kad sam već kod njega mislim da bi on bio puno prikladniji za ulogu Obelixa (da nije bacio dlaku) od onog francuza koji ima nos ko glavić.
Mislim da su rimljani bili ipak malo veće čunke od tog…yes

inače ovaj post je osmišljen sa još nekoliko slika ali me imageshack mrzi, a nemam živaca isprobavat dalje šta šljaka šta ne...samo si zamislite još i Obelixa koji nosi menhir na leđima i hulka, ali onog iz starog filma..onog gadnog i neki close up kurcolikog nosa onog francuza što je glumio Obelixa....jebiganamcor
Eto ovaj je malo kraći,ali nadam se od zadnjeg malo jači, nemam vremena za ništa puno duže.
Pozdrav od Gospodara Majmunamahwave



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