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Crna Guja, kreten ili genije...procijenite sami.

The Black Adder The Foretelling
Blackadder "Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be here at our gates."
Queen "Oh, Edmund, I'm not ready. I haven't had a bath or anything."
Blackadder "Mother, Henry is our enemy. When his men get here they'll brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle."
Queen "I shan't bother to change, then."

The Archbishop
Blackadder "Tell me, Brother Baldrick, what exactly did God do to the Sodomites?"
Baldrick "I dunno, but I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other."

Queen "The Archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty little boy whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in the font."
King "Well, that was a long time ago."
Queen "It was last Thursday."

Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: I curse you, and hope that something slightly unpleasant happens to you, like an onion falling on your head."
Baldrick "Well, that is the bottom end of the market. They run all the way to this one, for four ducats."
Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: may the Lord hate you and all your kind, may you be turned orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awkward moment."

The Queen of Spain's Beard
King "Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France in sympathy for the death of his son."
Chiswick "The one you had murdered, My Lord...?"
King "Yes, that's the fellow."

Baldrick (on Blackadder's 'love bites') "Actually, I'd be prepared to swear they were dog bites."
Blackadder "They are not dog bites! She was very attractive."
Baldrick "What, shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes...?"

Percy "Well, it's a famous blue stone, and it comes... from Galveston."
Blackadder "I see. And what about it?"
Percy "Well, My Lord, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start."
Blackadder "I see. And have you ever seen this stone?"
Percy "No, not as such, My Lord, but I know a couple of people who have, and they say it's very very blue indeed."
Blackadder "And have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?"
Percy "No, I shouldn't think so, My Lord."
Blackadder "And neither have you, presumably."
Percy "No, My Lord."
Blackadder "So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen."

Translator (for Infanta) "Your nose is smaller than I expected."
Blackadder "I have suffered no similar disappointment."

Blackadder "The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen."
Baldrick "Mm! And who would want to marry the Earl of Doncaster?"
Blackadder "Well, no one wou- Brilliant! Of course! No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster! Except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort. Quick, what are we going to do?"
Baldrick "First I'll get you looking right. We just need something effeminate draped around your shoulders."
Blackadder "Either of the Beaufort twins would do."

Queen "Oh, look at the two lovebirds."
Blackadder "One lovebird, and one love elephant."

Witchsmeller Pursuivant
Blackadder (to Baldrick) "You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings." [the guards return]
Guard #1 "By the way, how's that eagle of yours?"
Guard #2 "Fine. Had a bit of trouble at first, but now I've clipped its wings, no problem."

The Black Seal
Blackadder (to Percy) "You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned I am reliably informed by women around the court wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be."

Blackadder (on Philip of Burgundy) "He murdered his whole family!"
Pete "Who didn't? I certainly killed mine."
Wilfred "And I killed mine."
Friar "And I killed yours."
Sean "Did you?"
Friar "Yes."
Sean "Good on you, father."


Blackadder II Bells
Blackadder "I use the word 'man' in its broadest possible sense. For, as we all know, God made man in his own image, and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick."

Percy "Sorry I'm late."
Blackadder "No, don't bother apologizing. I'm sorry you're alive."
Percy "Oh good, I see the target is ready. I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me."
Blackadder "Well, go to Spain. There are millions of them."

Blackadder "Jane Herrington?"
Percy "Yes."
Blackadder "Jane bury-me-in-a-Y-shaped-coffin Herrington?"
Percy "I... I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons."
Blackadder "No... Tall, blonde, elegant?"
Percy "Right, that's right."
Blackadder "Goes like a privy door when the plague is in town? Come on, get on with your shot. You'll get over her... I did... So did Baldrick actually."

Blackadder "You're really just an old quack, aren't you?"
Dr. Leech "I'd rather be a quack than a ducky."

Blackadder "Tell me young crone, is this Putney?"
Crone "That it be... that it be..."
Blackadder "'Yes it is', not 'that it be'. You don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me, I'm not a tourist."

Crone "Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is... a woman! And second, she is..."
Blackadder "Wise?"
Crone "You do know her then?"
Blackadder "No, just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful."

Blackadder "Thank you young crone. Here is a purse of moneys... which I'm not going to give to you."

Queen "Girls are normally called Elizabeth, or Mary."
Nursie "And Donald."
Queen "Mouth is open, Nursie: should be shut."
Nursie "But it's true, sweet one. I had three sisters, and they were called Donald, Eric and Basil."
Queen "Then why's your name Nursie?"
Nursie "That isn't my real name!"
Queen "Isn't it?"
Nursie "No."
Queen "What is your real name then?"
Nursie "Bernard."
Queen "Mmmm. It suits you."

Blackadder "Excuse me, could you move along please. Look, I'm waiting for my father in law. Last thing I want is some scruffy old beggar blocking the church door, smelling of cabbage."
Father "I am your father in law."
Blackadder "Oh no... alright, how much you want to clear off?"
Kate "Edmund, how could you? He's my father, my only living relative."
Father "Ten pounds should do the trick."

Head
Blackadder "If I have two beans and then I add two more beans, what does that make?"
Baldrick "Umm... a very small casserole?"

Blackadder "Now try again. One, two, three, four, so how many are there?"
Baldrick "Three."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "And that one."

Blackadder (on Percy's ruff) "You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate."
Percy "It's the latest fashion actually and as a matter of fact it makes me look rather s-e-xy!"
Blackadder "To another plate-swallowing bird perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months."

Melchett "Unhappily Blackadder, the Lord High Executioner is dead."
Blackadder "Oh, woe. Murdered of course?"
Melchett "Oddly enough, no. They usually are but this one just got careless one night and signed his name on the wrong dotted line. They came for him while he slept."

Blackadder "A family atmosphere? This is meant to be a plce of pain and misery and sorrow!"
Cook "That's what I mean, sir."
Gaoler "Mistress Ploppy's a bit of a social realist, sir."

Potato
Blackadder "And where would I find him on a Tuesday?"
Walter "Well, if I remember his old habits, he's normally up the Old Sea Dog."
Blackadder "Oh, yes. And where is the Old Sea Dog?"
Walter "Well, on Tuesdays, he's normally in bed with the captain."

Blackadder "Better a lap-dog to a slip of a girl than a... git!"

Money
Percy "It's just over a thousand methinks, and has for years been hidden beyond the wit of any thief..." [Blackadder joins in] "...in an old sock under the squeaky floorboard..." [Baldrick joins in] "...behind the kitchen dresser."
Percy "You've seen it?"
Blackadder "Seen it, pinched it, spent it. And the same goes for the two farthings Balrick thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy potato."
Baldrick "Oh, bloody hell!"

Bishop "You see, I am a colossal pervert. No form of s-e-xual depravity is too low for me. Animal, vegetable or mineral, I'll do anything to anything."
Blackadder "Ah - fine words for a bishop. Nice to hear the church speaking out for a change on social issues."

Bishop "You fiend! Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity. Have you ever considered a career in the church?"

Beer
Blackadder "It is said, Percy, that civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God."
Percy (delighted) "Yes, I'd heard that."
Blackadder "Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best."

Baldrick "Lord Melchett is very sick."
Blackadder "Really?"
Baldrick "Yes. He's at death's door."
Blackadder "Well, my faithful old reinstated family retainer, let's go and open it for him then!"

Blackadder (on his fake breasts) "Oh, God - my ear muffs have fallen down!"

Chains
Blackadder "Oh, for God's sake. How... can... you... question... me... if... you... don't... speak... English?"
Torturer "No! Yo pregunto las questiones."
Blackadder "All right, let's start with the basics. English is a non-inflected Indo-European language derived from..."

Ludwig "You find yourself amusing, Blackadder."
Blackadder "I try not to fly in the face of public opinion."

Melchett "Perhaps some pleasant word game?"
Blackadder "Yes, all right. Make a sentence out of the following words: face - sodding - your - shut."

Queen "It's just like parties I had when I was tiny. We had tea and cakes and venison and then a trip with a couple of little friends to the executions."
Percy "How sweet."
Queen "If I wanted any of my friends executed, that is."


Blackadder the Third Dish and Dishonesty
Pitt the Younger "I now call upon the leader of the opposition to test me on my Latin vocab."

Blackadder "First name?"
Baldrick "Not sure."
Blackadder "You must have some idea."
Baldrick "Well, it might be Sod Off."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "When I used to play in the gutter I used to say to the other snipes 'Hello, my name's Baldrick', and they used to say 'Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick.'"

Blackadder "As a special reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday." [no pause] "Did you enjoy it? Right."

Blackadder "I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel."

Ink and Incapacity
Blackadder "I believe, sir, that the doctor is trying to tell you that he is happy because he has finished his book. It has apparently taken him ten years."
George "Yes. Well, I'm a slow reader myself."

Blackadder (on Johnson) "I'd bump into cleverer people at a lodge meeting of the Guild of Village Idiots."
Baldrick "That's not what you said when you sent him your navel."
Blackadder "Novel, Baldrick, not navel. I sent him my novel."

Johnson (to George) "Sir! I hope that you are not using this first English dictionary to look up rude words."
Blackadder "Well, I wouldn't be too hopeful - that's what all the other ones will be used for."

Nob and Nobility
Mrs. Miggins "Bonjewer, monsewer. It's French."
Blackadder "So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating in the street. But that's no reason to inflict it on the rest of us."

Blackadder "We hate the French! We fight wars against them! Did all those men die in vain on the field of Agincout? Was the man who burnt Joan of Arc simply wasting good matches?"

George (on Baldrick) "The chances of me scoring if I look and smell like him are zero."
Blackadder "That's true, sir. We shall return presently to bid you farewell."
Baldrick "Mr. B, I've been having second thoughts about this trip to France."
Blackadder "Oh, why?"
Baldrick "Well, as far as I can see, looking and smelling like this, there's not much chance of me scoring either."

Blackadder (on the Scarlet Pimpernel) "He's the most overrated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD 31 Best Disciple Competition."

Blackadder "Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words 'I have a cunning plan' marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?"

Sense and Senility
Blackadder "Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship."
Baldrick "Thank you, Mr. B."
Blackadder "But, as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply 'Sod off, and if I ever meet you again, it will be twenty billion years too soon'." [He leaves.]
Baldrick "Goodbye you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard."

Amy and Amiability
Blackadder "One is born, one runs up bills, one dies. And what have I got to show for it. Nothing! A butler's uniform and a slightly effeminate hairdo."

Baldrick "Don't worry mister B, I have a cunning plan to solve the problem."
Blackadder "Yes Baldrick, let us not forget that you tried to solve the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head."

Blackadder "You've been cutting out the cuttings about the elusive Shadow to put in your highwayman scrap book, haven't you?"
Baldrick "Oh, I can't help it, Mr. B! His life is so dark and shadowy and full of fear and trepidation!"
Blackadder "So's going to the toilet in the middle of the night but you don't keep a scrap book on it."
Baldrick "Yes I do."

Blackadder "Mrs. M, if we were the last three humans on earth, I would be trying to start a family with Baldrick."

Blackadder "Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?"
Baldrick "No, but I've often thought I'd like to."
Blackadder "Well don't, it's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough sinewy men roam the valleys terrorising people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the placenames. Never ask for directions in Wales Baldrick, you'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight."

Blackadder "You mean he's dead?"
Amy "Yes. Dead as that squirrel."
Blackadder "Which squirrel?" [She fires. SQUEAK!] "Oh, that squirrel."

Blackadder "Oh, God, what a way to die. Shot by a transvestite on an unrealistic grassy knoll."

Duel and Duality
Blackadder "And how stands that mighty army, the Clan MacAdder?"
MacAdder "They're both well."
Blackadder "I've always thought Jamie and Angus were such fine boys."
MacAdder "Angus is a girl."

Blackadder "I'm afraid the duel is off."
George "Off!?"
Blackadder "As in sod. I'm not doing it."


Blackadder Goes Forth Plan A: Captain Cook
Baldrick "My father was a nun."
Blackadder "No he wasn't."
Baldrick "He was so, I know because whenever he was in court and the judge used to say 'occupation' he'd say 'nun'."

Blackadder (on his epitaph) "Here lies Edmund Blackadder - and he's bloody annoyed."

Plan B: Corporal Punishment
Perkins "I must say, Captain, I've got to admire your balls."
Blackadder "Perhaps later."

Blackadder (to George and Baldrick) "Henceforth I shall pray nightly to the God who killed Cain and squashed Samson that he comes out of retirement and gets back into pracice with the pair of you." [He answers the phone.] "Blackadder. Ah, Captain Darling... You want two volunteers for a mission into No Man's Land. Codename - Operation Certain Death. Yes, I think I have just the fellows." [Hangs up.] "God is very quick these days."

Plan C: Major Star
Blackadder (on Charlie Chaplin) "I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then finding there's a gas bill tied to it.

Blackadder (to Bob) "You are a girl. And you're a girl with as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get into a polar-bears only club."

Blackadder "A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the Vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside."

Blackadder "Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests their are tribes of Indians as yet untouched by civilisation who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin impressions that yours."

Blackadder (to George) "You were the least convincing female impressionist since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick."

Plan D: Private Plane
Blackadder "For 'magnificent men' read 'biggest show-offs since Lady Godiva entered the enclosure at Ascot claiming she had literally nothing to wear'."

Blackadder "Trust you to skive off to some cushy option."
Darling "There is nothing cushy about life in the Women's Auxiliary Balloon Corps."

Blackadder "The Teutonic reputation for brutality is well founded. Their operas last three or four days and they have no word for 'fluffy'."

Richthoven "Ah, and Lord Flashheart, this is indeed an honour. Finally the two greatest gentlemen flyers in the vorld meet. Two men of honour who have jousted together in the cloud-strewn glory of the skies are face to face at last. How often have I rehearsed this moment of destiny in my dreams. The valour we two encapsulate, the unspoken nobility of our comradeship, the..." [Flashheart shoots him dead.]
Flashheart "What a poof! Let's go!"

Plan E: General Hospital
Blackadder "I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with... 't'."
Baldrick "Breakfast."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "My breakfast always begins with tea, thenI have a little sausage. Then an egg with some little soldiers."
Blackadder "When I say it begins with 't', I meant a letter."
Baldrick "No, it never begins with a letter, the postman don't come until 10.30."

Percy "I'm as British as Queen Victoria!"
Blackadder "You mean your father's German, you're half German and you married a German?"

Mary "Do you have someone special in your life?"
Blackadder "Well, yes I do, as a matter of fact."
Mary "Who?"
Blackadder "Me."
Mary "No, someone you love and cherish and want to keep safe from all the horror and the hurt?"
Blackadder "Still me, really."

Plan F: Goodbyeee
Baldrick (on the war) "I heard it started when some chap called Archie Duke shot an ostich because he was hungry."
Blackadder "I think you mean it started when the Arch-Duke of Austro-Hungary got shot."
Baldrick "No, there was definitely an ostrich involved."

Blackadder "The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterent. That way there could never be a war."
Baldrick "Except, well, this is a sort of war, isn't it?"
Blackadder "That's right, there was one tiny flaw in the plan."
George "Oh, what was that?"
Blackadder "It was bollocks."

Melchett "Do you love your country, soldier?"
Baldrick "Certainly do, sir."
Melchett "And do you love your king?"
Baldrick "Certainly don't, sir."
Melchett "Why not?"
Baldrick "My mum told me never to trust men with beards."

Baldrick (on joining up) "It was great - the first time I've ever really felt popular, everyone was cheering and throwing flowers, a gril actually came up and kissed me."
Blackadder "Poor woman - first casualty of the war."

Blackadder "My God, you've got it, you've got it!" [Kisses Baldrick.]
Baldrick "Well, if I've got it, you've got it too now, sir."

Blackadder "Both sides advanced further during one Christmas piss-up than we've managed in the next two and a half years."
Baldrick "Sir, sir, do you remember the football match sir?"
Blackadder "Remember it, how could I forget it? I was never offside, I could not believe that decision."

Blackadder "I think the phrase rhymes with 'clucking bell'."

Percy "Made a note in my diary on the way here. Says simply 'ber'."


Blackadder's Christmas Carol

Blackadder "Baldrick, you wouldn't recognise a cunning plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Cunning plans are here again'."




The Black Adder

(episodes 1-5)

The sound of hoof beats 'cross the glade,
Good folk, lock up your son and daughter,
Beware the deadly flashing blade,
Unless you want to end up shorter.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he rides a pitch black steed.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he's very bad indeed.
Black: his gloves of finest mole,
Black: his codpiece made of metal,
His horse is blacker than a vole,
His pot is blacker than his kettle.
Black Adder, Black Adder, with many an cunning plan.
Black Adder, Black Adder, you horrid little man.

"The Black Seal" (episode 6)
So now the wage of sin is paid,
The blameless dead, the black steed grazes.
The only sound across the glade
Is Edmund pushing up the daisies.
Black Adder, Black Adder, a shame about the plan.
Black Adder, Black Adder, tha' worked, you horrid man.

Blackadder II

"Bells"
Lord Flashheart tweaked the Adder's beard.

From now he always shall be single.
To fall in love with boys is weird,
Especially boys without a dingle.
Black Adder, Black Adder, his taste is rather odd.
Black Adder, Black Adder, the randy little sod.
Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, I wish you were the star.
Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, you're sexier by far.

"Head"
His great-grandfather was a king,
Although for only thirty seconds.
When put in charge of beheading,
He felt that fame and glory beckoned.
Black Adder, Black Adder, no such blooming luck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, Elizabethan shmuck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, nothing goes as planned.
Black Adder, Black Adder, life deals him a bum hand.

"Potato"
Sir Francis and Sir Walter had
Discovered new worlds and new nations.
And though Black Adder thought them mad,
He tried his hand at navigation.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he saw the ocean's foam.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he should have stayed at home.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he heard the new world's call.
Black Adder, Black Adder, discovered ber-all.

"Money"
Take heed the moral of this tale:
Be not a borrower or lender.
And if your finances do fail,
Make sure your banker's not a bender.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he trusted in the church.
Black Adder, Black Adder, it left him in the lurch.
Black Adder, Black Adder, his life was almost done.
Black Adder, Black Adder, who gives a toss? No one.

"Beer"
Black Adder couldn't hold his beer.
The art of boozing he's not mastered.
And I, your merry balladeer,
Am also well and truly plastered.
Black Adder, Black Adder, a bit like Robin Hood.
Black Adder, Black Adder, but nothing like as good.
Black Ad, Black Adder, I thought that he had died.
Black Adder, Black Adder, our writers must have lied.

"Chains"
Beware all ye who lust for fame.
The path of life is most uncertain.
Prince Ludwig thought he'd won the game.
But now the Kraut's gone for a burton.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he beat the Hun by luck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he's smarter than a duck.
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, intelligent and deep.
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, a shame about the sheep.

Blackadder's Christmas Carol
He's kind & gen'rous to the sick,
He'd never spread a nasty rumour.
He never gets on people's wick,
And doesn't laugh at toilet humour.
Blackadder, Blackadder,
He's sickeningly good.
Blackadder, Blackadder,
As nice as Christmas pud.

Blackadder Back & Forth closing song
Let joy fill every Briton's heart,
For now the country's going to make it.
At last a King who looks the part,
At last a Queen who looks good naked.

Blackadder,
Blackadder,
A monarch with panache,
Blackadder,
Blackadder
He's got a nice moustache

Everything he wants he'll get,
The world is now Blackadder's oyster,
Most Prime Ministers are wet,
But Baldrick he is even moister.

Blackadder,
Blackadder,
A dog who's got his bone,
Blackadder,
Blackadder,
A bastard on the throne

Blackadder,
Blackadder,
His beard is neatly curled,
Blackadder,
Blackadder,
He's going to rule the world

< rujan, 2006 >
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Svibanj 2010 (1)
Travanj 2009 (1)
Ožujak 2009 (1)
Kolovoz 2007 (1)
Srpanj 2007 (1)
Ožujak 2007 (2)
Veljača 2007 (3)
Siječanj 2007 (3)
Prosinac 2006 (3)
Studeni 2006 (4)
Listopad 2006 (4)
Rujan 2006 (3)
Kolovoz 2006 (5)
Srpanj 2006 (3)
Lipanj 2006 (3)
Svibanj 2006 (7)
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srijeda, 20.09.2006.

Od laganog seruckanaj prema težem,ili ti neplanirani post koji se desio...i jeste li primjetili kako pretjerujem s dugačkim naslovima u zadnje vrijeme, mislim strašno

Šta da vam pišem...NE ZNAM, i to me toliko nervira, imam jebenu potrebu srat po nečemu a očito mi ne ide, izgubio sam žicu, sda ću umrijeti star i nepoznat natopljen vlastitim fekalijama sjećajući se starih dana slave kad me čitalo po nekoliko ljudi i jednoglasno mi klicalo dok prolazim ulicama, kad su obožavatelji ubijali golubove a obožavateljice sjekle vene u ekstazi sa imenom Gospodara Majmuna na usnama, a ruka mi je bila otečena i ukočena od dijeljenja autograma petkom iza Kauflanda...naravno svemu dobrom dođe kraj, nisam ni ja mogao sanjati konstantno...

Mnogo volim ovaj režim [kad svi rade a ja ležim (Žikina dinastija-op.ur.)…(ima i ona: Mnogo volim kad godina izda sve poskupi a pojeftini pizda!» ali to je sasvim druga priča o kojoj nećemo sada)] uvijek kad ne znam šta ću počnem ovako da seruckam lagano i odjednom shvatim da sam naseruckao tekstić.
Uvijek sam imao talenta za seruckanje samo nažalost nikada taj talent nije postao cijenjen od strane drugih koliko sam ga ja sam često cijenio i obožavao.
I tako dok serem ja često se priupitam zašto, zašto vi nekolicina (ne)sretnika čitate i trpite ove moje izljeve i pokušaje tekstova (ovo sam već vjerojatno pitao ali eto ponavljam se)?
No dosta o svemu tome svi znamo da je masturbacija prirodna pojava i da tu nema ničega čega bi se trebali sramiti.

Često u zadnje vrijeme razmišljam o vjeri, kao i većina čeljadi na ovim prostorima ja sam odgojen kao katolik iako kao što većina nesretnika koji imaju čast/nesreću poznavati me osobno, mogu posvjedočiti da pomalo odskačem od slike pravog Hrvata katolika. Pitam se oko nekih stvari…kako na primjer možemo znati koji dio smo dobili sa hostijom u usta (znate ono..ovo je moje tijelo koje će se za vas predati, pretvaranje kruha u tijelo Kristovo..bla,bla) nisam primjetio da na hostiji piše:»Od buta, najbolje je od Gavrilovića je!» Iako mislim da bi sa ulaskom u Europsku uniju to trebali uvesti…i da piše GMO free, i kad sam bio manji, vjerniji, deblji i staricama zanimljiviji a za svijet podobniji pitao sam se zašto naš pripiti svećenik ima veću hostiju od svih nas doduše onda sam se pitao i kad ću imati onoliki alat ko onaj crnjo iz novina pod mojim krevetom…nažalost nikada nisam dobio vilasti ključ 37…ah okrutni živote.
Kasnije sam došao do drugih meni zanimljivih i neshavtljivih pitanja zašto je biblija ok a knjige kao Heri Pothed ili Gospodar zaručničkog prstenja (u izdanju zlatarne onix) su manje-više ne ok i onak kuiš sotonsko djelo koje navlači mlade daleko od vjere u vukojebine (vukojebine su tako kul) i bespuća ateizma, sotonizma, paganizma i inih drugih izama. A i u kronikama cvokatog mladog čarobnjaka ima zmija koja govori kao i u bibliji, a u bibliji ima i čiko sa listom preko nježnika i njegova teta kojoj sličan list prekriva ono mjesto što se ne spominje, a da nema tako dugu kosu koja joj pada preo prsa ilustrirana biblija za mlade bi bila puno zanimljivije štivo. Čudna je ta knjiga nad knjigama, djelo božje nažalost napisano rukom čovjeka, gdje se praše bliski rođaci a nitko nema zečju usnu, gdje se uništavaju narodi a opet to nije genocid već volja božja, gdje za naklonost jednoga pravog boga kraljevi nakupljaju brda kožica filistejskih ( u ono vrijeme ih naravno nisu nazivali kožicama nego su bile popularne pod nazivom «filistejske lignje»). Gdje kojekakvi pastiri ubijaju divove praćkom ko´ u kakvoj bajci, a stolari otkupljuju grijehe, a bog odabrani narod provodi kroz muke…al jebiga čuj sve je to za ljude i tko voli neka izvoli.
Možda sad napokon dobijem prave mrzitelje, onda ću tek biti pravi bloger.
I mislim da je onih 7 smrtnih grijeha sasvim kul stvar, naravno u određenoj mjeri ne znam šta se bune protiv toga…svi smo to radili. Tko se od nas nije opio do bljuvanja, prežderao janjetine, želio jaknu ko susjed ili nos kao Majkl aj hev a skin problm Đekson, svi smo mi griješili bludno, sad ćete vjerojatno neki od vas:»Ko ja…ma nikada ne bi se ja upuštao u predbračni seks ili ne do bog bacio majmuna (ovo je samo primjer u buduće nemojte molim vas pričati o bacanju majmuna nego tu radnju oslovljavajte kao drkanje, šetanje kožice, šamaranje biskupa, jutarnja rukvježba, povratak prvoj ljubavi, sastanak s Desankom Šakić ili Mary Fivefingers i tako dalje
Unaprijed hvala
Uprava)
Uglavnom mislim da me shvaćate, svi smo mi grješnici i nema tu ništa loše pa čak i ako ste zagriženi vjernik, odeš na ispovijed i onda ajmo bakanalije otpočetka.
Ne znam zašto s uopće opterećujem ovakvim stvarima, a jebiga da ne radim to ne bi imao šta pisati…
Do sljedećeg puta živili!!!
Btw.pozdravila vas sve Jessica



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četvrtak, 14.09.2006.

opet ja po tim vegetarijancima...ali nemam ja ništa protiv njih stvarno...samo ne kontam...a kako kažu naši stari šta ne razumiješ seri po tome

Gledao sam danas nešto o papici na dalekovidnici...Bio je jedan tip i njegova mu ženskinja koji su...ne mogu to ni izgovoriti/napisati...jednostavno je prebolno...veganipuknucu ovo je bolilo.
No uglavnom, čovjek je blago rečeno ufuran u to sve, kad je počeo kad je bio obićni vegetarijanac još je jeo i ribu i to samo papaline (ipak one su male i vjerojatno manje pate)....DIGRESIJA:Dragi moji vegetarijanci šta je riba ako nije meso i kako to da se smije jest ribu a ne smije kravu, jel to zato što krava ima lice?
Ali kletog dana jednog shvatio je svoju pogrešku pogledao se u ogledalo i rekao:"Are you talking to me?"...dobro možda i nije, prije je rekao nešto kao: "Ubojico, uništavaču života malih riba, ti opaki kombajnu što žanje morska prostranstva, svaki mjesec umre stotine malih paplina koje inače ne bi nitko ulovio da ih ti ne jedeš!!!!"
I nabavio si akvarij sa ribicama da bi se sentimentalizirao prema tim jadnim, često na trbuhu plivajućim životinjicama. I sada sretnim životom živi i ne konzumira ništa što od životinje potiče, zajedno sa svojom dragom istomišljenom mu djevojkom...baš me zanima jel ga tera da navlači gumicu pri prakticiranju oralog seksualnog iskustav kako ne bi imala meso u zubimanaughty
Ali ima to nekog smisla, npr. zapitao se kako bi bilo da oni sad ispeku svog psa,pa u Tajlandu bi vjerojatno rekli fino. Jedino što cijenim je njegov zdrav stav prema povrću, pravio čovjek lijepo Mizo (skraćeno od mizerno) juhu neku povrtljastu i reže frajer mrkvu, ponosan i gord, čeličnog pogleda sav pršti od pozitivne energije jer navodno mrkva osjeti i kupi njegove dobre vibracije dok ju reže pa ima bolji okus...pa čovječe nabi si industrijski vibrator u šupak pa će mrkav imati okus ambrozije i nektara. Ali ako i mrkva osjeti zašto onda nju jesti, jel nije i ona onda osjećajno bićeunatoč očitoj nemogućnosti izražavanja emocija i pišanja po čoškovima...
Nikada to neću skontati,a nadam se da neću ni morati...pozdrav svim mojim prijateljim vegetarijancima, znate da ja vas volim i zato nemojte se bru+inuti za sve one krave i svinje koje ste poštedjeli ja ću se pobrinuti za njih...



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utorak, 05.09.2006.

Ostao nam je Crocodile Dandy

Jebenog lovca na krokodile ubila riba......
Zajebavao se najotrovnijim i najopasnijim živinama na na svijetu i ubije ga raža...a kad se sjetim samo da smo navijali za krokodile i zmije dok smo ga gledali..."ugrizi ga, glavu mu zdrobi..iritantni,napuhani ovisnik o adrenallinunamcor, ja sam oduvijek obožavao dokumentarce i nikad me nije žeivcirao npr. David Attenborough ili Michael Palin,njima nikada nisam poželio ništa loše,oni su legende, pa čak ni oni naši komentatori,ni Branko Kockica mi nije smetao ali ovaj je jednostavno bio iritantan,al kako kažu nije lijepo pričati loše stvari o mrtvima...Više neću.bang
...
Poslao mi Simpa plus klub na temelju vjernosti kroz godine 24 kune na račun, a da samo znaju koliko sam puta spavao zajedno sa onom Nokijom na Vip-unaughty
...

I tako...nema više podivljalih urbanih veprova (Perkulesa boli grlo,a Jura se trudi), lagano se pije,faks je počeo. Sve je čupavo i dlakavo ni ispiti iz obiteljskog više nisi kao što su nekada bili, a KAD SAM JA BIO MLAD SVE JE BILO JEFTINIJE i mogao si kupiti ogromni sladoled za jednu crvenu,al ne onu staru crvenu nego novu sa dodanom nulom...opet serem (kao da je to nešto novo), a i sa tim sam imao ozbiljnih iskustava u zadnje vrijeme. Pivo, bambus i beherovka nikako ne odgovaraju mom osjetljivom,iskusnom ali opet plahom želucu koji teško probavlja razne mixove u zadnje vrijeme...ah, divna, slatka slobodo.
...

Govnarije su oko nas

Gadno je to kada sjediš na porculanskoj božici,rješavaš križaljke, a u glavi si u nekoj vukojebini gdje teku potoci od piva, žene su lijepe i lagane a tebe boli kurac jer imaš neuništvi želudac i sterilnost koja šljaka na dugme među jajima...kad odjednom, odigneš glavu od skandi talijanke sa nedovršenom humoreskom i udahneš..."sniff-sniff.....aaaaaaaaaarghhh" i shvatiš tužnu činjenicu da ti se krepana mačka nekako zavukla u dubinu tvoje privatnosti i u sigurnosti i toploti tvojeg debelog mesa istrunila.Smrad postaje nepodnošljiv, suze naviru na oči, u glavi ti se vrti cijeli život od prve defekacije do današnjeg sudnjeg dana.Bacaš križaljku sa nasmiješenom Mirnom Berend negdje u bespuća kupatila ispod lavaboa, i sa totalnim nemarom prema higijeni šlampavo brišeš svoj analni vjenčić puštaš vodu sa molečivim pogledom prema kotliću,ako se sada zaštopa školjka...kako pred obitelj,pred prijatelje, život odjednom gubi svaki smisao, u tom trenutku postoje samo tri stvari na svijetu ti, WC školjka i Jessica Alba. Stiščeš kleto dugme (malo digresije...da li se to na čenif-kotliću može uopće nazvati dugmetom ili je možda stiskalo, dirkalo, higijenski taster??) i moćni mlaz sukne iz skrivenih dijelova porculanske božice,zapljuskuje njezine hladne keramičke stranice i ispunjava njezinu unutrašnjost i prekriva je hladnom vodom...ali...voda ne ide, diže se, puni školjku sve više i više, stiščeš higijenski taster na drugu stranu da zaustaviš tu moćnu elementarnu silu vodenog mlaza...ali ne vrijedi. Voda je došla do vrha i sada prijeti sigurnosti tvojih čarapa. Kad odjednom mlaz svjetlosti proviri kroz prozor iznad defekacijske šolje i ispuni toplinom cijelu prostoriju, zaklanjaš oči od žarka plamena, Osječaš mučninu i slabost,srce ubrzano tuče,pogledaš dolje kad pločice (sive sa nikada utvrđenim mrljama) se dižu tebi u susret. Jedan tupi udarac i svijet se zamračuje,nema više brige,nema više umora,smrada i fecesa...
Nakon nekog vremena kroz maglu misli i košmarnih snova čuješ neku potmulu buku i topot malenih nožica
kako užurano udaraju po plačicama.Proškiljiš na jedno oko i ugledaš Jessicu Albu kako zapovijeda vojsci malenih ali veoma ažurnih i vrijednih malenih majmuna čovjekolikoga tipa koji neumorno prikupljaju preostalu sanitarnu vodu i komadiće neidentificirane smeđa supstance, podigneš pogled prema Jessici, ona se samo nasmiješi i namigne ti...
BUdiš se na hladnom i tvrdom popločenom podu svoga kupatila sa laganom ali upornom bubnjajučom boli u sljpoočnicama, "sigurno sam se onesvijestio kad sam se naglo ustao sa kenjare", pomisliš. Ustaješ ulažući veliki trud da održiš ravnotežu, unatoč činjenici da se sve lagano vrti, pogledaš oko sebe, i nešto nije u redu. Školjka nije preplavila, pločice su opet bijele ,kao nekoć kad si bio mali, sve je čisto i uredno i miriše na tratinčice,a oko anusa se osječaš svježe i nadasve čisto. Ne možeš vjerovati svojim očima, a bogami ni nosu kad pogledaš, kao i svaki put, iza kotlića i nađešsliku Jessice Albe u nimalo čednoj pozi sa autogramom i posvetom: "Pazi kako vršiš defekaciju" a pored slike malog majmuna koji ti mahne i nestane...
...
....
Nakon ove epizode Jessica Alba je postala svjetski popularna glumica i seks simbol, a glavni akter ove priče je postao osrednji bloger koji svoje dane provodi đabalebareći i obožavajući nekoć mu mrske a sad aneobićno drage majmune... ali ako ikada naletite nekim čudnim spletom događaja na bilo koje od ovo dvoje..nikda vam neće priznati što se uistinu dogodilo



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