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Crna Guja, kreten ili genije...procijenite sami.

The Black Adder The Foretelling
Blackadder "Within seconds, Henry Tudor will be here at our gates."
Queen "Oh, Edmund, I'm not ready. I haven't had a bath or anything."
Blackadder "Mother, Henry is our enemy. When his men get here they'll brutally ravish you and every woman in the castle."
Queen "I shan't bother to change, then."

The Archbishop
Blackadder "Tell me, Brother Baldrick, what exactly did God do to the Sodomites?"
Baldrick "I dunno, but I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other."

Queen "The Archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty little boy whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in the font."
King "Well, that was a long time ago."
Queen "It was last Thursday."

Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: I curse you, and hope that something slightly unpleasant happens to you, like an onion falling on your head."
Baldrick "Well, that is the bottom end of the market. They run all the way to this one, for four ducats."
Blackadder (reads) "Dear Enemy: may the Lord hate you and all your kind, may you be turned orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awkward moment."

The Queen of Spain's Beard
King "Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France in sympathy for the death of his son."
Chiswick "The one you had murdered, My Lord...?"
King "Yes, that's the fellow."

Baldrick (on Blackadder's 'love bites') "Actually, I'd be prepared to swear they were dog bites."
Blackadder "They are not dog bites! She was very attractive."
Baldrick "What, shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes...?"

Percy "Well, it's a famous blue stone, and it comes... from Galveston."
Blackadder "I see. And what about it?"
Percy "Well, My Lord, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it, for a start."
Blackadder "I see. And have you ever seen this stone?"
Percy "No, not as such, My Lord, but I know a couple of people who have, and they say it's very very blue indeed."
Blackadder "And have these people seen the Infanta's eyes?"
Percy "No, I shouldn't think so, My Lord."
Blackadder "And neither have you, presumably."
Percy "No, My Lord."
Blackadder "So, what you're telling me, Percy, is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen."

Translator (for Infanta) "Your nose is smaller than I expected."
Blackadder "I have suffered no similar disappointment."

Blackadder "The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen."
Baldrick "Mm! And who would want to marry the Earl of Doncaster?"
Blackadder "Well, no one wou- Brilliant! Of course! No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster! Except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort. Quick, what are we going to do?"
Baldrick "First I'll get you looking right. We just need something effeminate draped around your shoulders."
Blackadder "Either of the Beaufort twins would do."

Queen "Oh, look at the two lovebirds."
Blackadder "One lovebird, and one love elephant."

Witchsmeller Pursuivant
Blackadder (to Baldrick) "You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings." [the guards return]
Guard #1 "By the way, how's that eagle of yours?"
Guard #2 "Fine. Had a bit of trouble at first, but now I've clipped its wings, no problem."

The Black Seal
Blackadder (to Percy) "You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned I am reliably informed by women around the court wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be."

Blackadder (on Philip of Burgundy) "He murdered his whole family!"
Pete "Who didn't? I certainly killed mine."
Wilfred "And I killed mine."
Friar "And I killed yours."
Sean "Did you?"
Friar "Yes."
Sean "Good on you, father."


Blackadder II Bells
Blackadder "I use the word 'man' in its broadest possible sense. For, as we all know, God made man in his own image, and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick."

Percy "Sorry I'm late."
Blackadder "No, don't bother apologizing. I'm sorry you're alive."
Percy "Oh good, I see the target is ready. I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way past me."
Blackadder "Well, go to Spain. There are millions of them."

Blackadder "Jane Herrington?"
Percy "Yes."
Blackadder "Jane bury-me-in-a-Y-shaped-coffin Herrington?"
Percy "I... I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons."
Blackadder "No... Tall, blonde, elegant?"
Percy "Right, that's right."
Blackadder "Goes like a privy door when the plague is in town? Come on, get on with your shot. You'll get over her... I did... So did Baldrick actually."

Blackadder "You're really just an old quack, aren't you?"
Dr. Leech "I'd rather be a quack than a ducky."

Blackadder "Tell me young crone, is this Putney?"
Crone "That it be... that it be..."
Blackadder "'Yes it is', not 'that it be'. You don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me, I'm not a tourist."

Crone "Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is... a woman! And second, she is..."
Blackadder "Wise?"
Crone "You do know her then?"
Blackadder "No, just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful."

Blackadder "Thank you young crone. Here is a purse of moneys... which I'm not going to give to you."

Queen "Girls are normally called Elizabeth, or Mary."
Nursie "And Donald."
Queen "Mouth is open, Nursie: should be shut."
Nursie "But it's true, sweet one. I had three sisters, and they were called Donald, Eric and Basil."
Queen "Then why's your name Nursie?"
Nursie "That isn't my real name!"
Queen "Isn't it?"
Nursie "No."
Queen "What is your real name then?"
Nursie "Bernard."
Queen "Mmmm. It suits you."

Blackadder "Excuse me, could you move along please. Look, I'm waiting for my father in law. Last thing I want is some scruffy old beggar blocking the church door, smelling of cabbage."
Father "I am your father in law."
Blackadder "Oh no... alright, how much you want to clear off?"
Kate "Edmund, how could you? He's my father, my only living relative."
Father "Ten pounds should do the trick."

Head
Blackadder "If I have two beans and then I add two more beans, what does that make?"
Baldrick "Umm... a very small casserole?"

Blackadder "Now try again. One, two, three, four, so how many are there?"
Baldrick "Three."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "And that one."

Blackadder (on Percy's ruff) "You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate."
Percy "It's the latest fashion actually and as a matter of fact it makes me look rather s-e-xy!"
Blackadder "To another plate-swallowing bird perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months."

Melchett "Unhappily Blackadder, the Lord High Executioner is dead."
Blackadder "Oh, woe. Murdered of course?"
Melchett "Oddly enough, no. They usually are but this one just got careless one night and signed his name on the wrong dotted line. They came for him while he slept."

Blackadder "A family atmosphere? This is meant to be a plce of pain and misery and sorrow!"
Cook "That's what I mean, sir."
Gaoler "Mistress Ploppy's a bit of a social realist, sir."

Potato
Blackadder "And where would I find him on a Tuesday?"
Walter "Well, if I remember his old habits, he's normally up the Old Sea Dog."
Blackadder "Oh, yes. And where is the Old Sea Dog?"
Walter "Well, on Tuesdays, he's normally in bed with the captain."

Blackadder "Better a lap-dog to a slip of a girl than a... git!"

Money
Percy "It's just over a thousand methinks, and has for years been hidden beyond the wit of any thief..." [Blackadder joins in] "...in an old sock under the squeaky floorboard..." [Baldrick joins in] "...behind the kitchen dresser."
Percy "You've seen it?"
Blackadder "Seen it, pinched it, spent it. And the same goes for the two farthings Balrick thinks he's got hidden inside that mouldy potato."
Baldrick "Oh, bloody hell!"

Bishop "You see, I am a colossal pervert. No form of s-e-xual depravity is too low for me. Animal, vegetable or mineral, I'll do anything to anything."
Blackadder "Ah - fine words for a bishop. Nice to hear the church speaking out for a change on social issues."

Bishop "You fiend! Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity. Have you ever considered a career in the church?"

Beer
Blackadder "It is said, Percy, that civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God."
Percy (delighted) "Yes, I'd heard that."
Blackadder "Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best."

Baldrick "Lord Melchett is very sick."
Blackadder "Really?"
Baldrick "Yes. He's at death's door."
Blackadder "Well, my faithful old reinstated family retainer, let's go and open it for him then!"

Blackadder (on his fake breasts) "Oh, God - my ear muffs have fallen down!"

Chains
Blackadder "Oh, for God's sake. How... can... you... question... me... if... you... don't... speak... English?"
Torturer "No! Yo pregunto las questiones."
Blackadder "All right, let's start with the basics. English is a non-inflected Indo-European language derived from..."

Ludwig "You find yourself amusing, Blackadder."
Blackadder "I try not to fly in the face of public opinion."

Melchett "Perhaps some pleasant word game?"
Blackadder "Yes, all right. Make a sentence out of the following words: face - sodding - your - shut."

Queen "It's just like parties I had when I was tiny. We had tea and cakes and venison and then a trip with a couple of little friends to the executions."
Percy "How sweet."
Queen "If I wanted any of my friends executed, that is."


Blackadder the Third Dish and Dishonesty
Pitt the Younger "I now call upon the leader of the opposition to test me on my Latin vocab."

Blackadder "First name?"
Baldrick "Not sure."
Blackadder "You must have some idea."
Baldrick "Well, it might be Sod Off."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "When I used to play in the gutter I used to say to the other snipes 'Hello, my name's Baldrick', and they used to say 'Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick.'"

Blackadder "As a special reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday." [no pause] "Did you enjoy it? Right."

Blackadder "I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel."

Ink and Incapacity
Blackadder "I believe, sir, that the doctor is trying to tell you that he is happy because he has finished his book. It has apparently taken him ten years."
George "Yes. Well, I'm a slow reader myself."

Blackadder (on Johnson) "I'd bump into cleverer people at a lodge meeting of the Guild of Village Idiots."
Baldrick "That's not what you said when you sent him your navel."
Blackadder "Novel, Baldrick, not navel. I sent him my novel."

Johnson (to George) "Sir! I hope that you are not using this first English dictionary to look up rude words."
Blackadder "Well, I wouldn't be too hopeful - that's what all the other ones will be used for."

Nob and Nobility
Mrs. Miggins "Bonjewer, monsewer. It's French."
Blackadder "So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese and urinating in the street. But that's no reason to inflict it on the rest of us."

Blackadder "We hate the French! We fight wars against them! Did all those men die in vain on the field of Agincout? Was the man who burnt Joan of Arc simply wasting good matches?"

George (on Baldrick) "The chances of me scoring if I look and smell like him are zero."
Blackadder "That's true, sir. We shall return presently to bid you farewell."
Baldrick "Mr. B, I've been having second thoughts about this trip to France."
Blackadder "Oh, why?"
Baldrick "Well, as far as I can see, looking and smelling like this, there's not much chance of me scoring either."

Blackadder (on the Scarlet Pimpernel) "He's the most overrated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD 31 Best Disciple Competition."

Blackadder "Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words 'I have a cunning plan' marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?"

Sense and Senility
Blackadder "Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship."
Baldrick "Thank you, Mr. B."
Blackadder "But, as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply 'Sod off, and if I ever meet you again, it will be twenty billion years too soon'." [He leaves.]
Baldrick "Goodbye you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard."

Amy and Amiability
Blackadder "One is born, one runs up bills, one dies. And what have I got to show for it. Nothing! A butler's uniform and a slightly effeminate hairdo."

Baldrick "Don't worry mister B, I have a cunning plan to solve the problem."
Blackadder "Yes Baldrick, let us not forget that you tried to solve the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head."

Blackadder "You've been cutting out the cuttings about the elusive Shadow to put in your highwayman scrap book, haven't you?"
Baldrick "Oh, I can't help it, Mr. B! His life is so dark and shadowy and full of fear and trepidation!"
Blackadder "So's going to the toilet in the middle of the night but you don't keep a scrap book on it."
Baldrick "Yes I do."

Blackadder "Mrs. M, if we were the last three humans on earth, I would be trying to start a family with Baldrick."

Blackadder "Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?"
Baldrick "No, but I've often thought I'd like to."
Blackadder "Well don't, it's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough sinewy men roam the valleys terrorising people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the placenames. Never ask for directions in Wales Baldrick, you'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight."

Blackadder "You mean he's dead?"
Amy "Yes. Dead as that squirrel."
Blackadder "Which squirrel?" [She fires. SQUEAK!] "Oh, that squirrel."

Blackadder "Oh, God, what a way to die. Shot by a transvestite on an unrealistic grassy knoll."

Duel and Duality
Blackadder "And how stands that mighty army, the Clan MacAdder?"
MacAdder "They're both well."
Blackadder "I've always thought Jamie and Angus were such fine boys."
MacAdder "Angus is a girl."

Blackadder "I'm afraid the duel is off."
George "Off!?"
Blackadder "As in sod. I'm not doing it."


Blackadder Goes Forth Plan A: Captain Cook
Baldrick "My father was a nun."
Blackadder "No he wasn't."
Baldrick "He was so, I know because whenever he was in court and the judge used to say 'occupation' he'd say 'nun'."

Blackadder (on his epitaph) "Here lies Edmund Blackadder - and he's bloody annoyed."

Plan B: Corporal Punishment
Perkins "I must say, Captain, I've got to admire your balls."
Blackadder "Perhaps later."

Blackadder (to George and Baldrick) "Henceforth I shall pray nightly to the God who killed Cain and squashed Samson that he comes out of retirement and gets back into pracice with the pair of you." [He answers the phone.] "Blackadder. Ah, Captain Darling... You want two volunteers for a mission into No Man's Land. Codename - Operation Certain Death. Yes, I think I have just the fellows." [Hangs up.] "God is very quick these days."

Plan C: Major Star
Blackadder (on Charlie Chaplin) "I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then finding there's a gas bill tied to it.

Blackadder (to Bob) "You are a girl. And you're a girl with as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get into a polar-bears only club."

Blackadder "A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the Vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside."

Blackadder "Baldrick, in the Amazonian rain forests their are tribes of Indians as yet untouched by civilisation who have developed more convincing Charlie Chaplin impressions that yours."

Blackadder (to George) "You were the least convincing female impressionist since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick."

Plan D: Private Plane
Blackadder "For 'magnificent men' read 'biggest show-offs since Lady Godiva entered the enclosure at Ascot claiming she had literally nothing to wear'."

Blackadder "Trust you to skive off to some cushy option."
Darling "There is nothing cushy about life in the Women's Auxiliary Balloon Corps."

Blackadder "The Teutonic reputation for brutality is well founded. Their operas last three or four days and they have no word for 'fluffy'."

Richthoven "Ah, and Lord Flashheart, this is indeed an honour. Finally the two greatest gentlemen flyers in the vorld meet. Two men of honour who have jousted together in the cloud-strewn glory of the skies are face to face at last. How often have I rehearsed this moment of destiny in my dreams. The valour we two encapsulate, the unspoken nobility of our comradeship, the..." [Flashheart shoots him dead.]
Flashheart "What a poof! Let's go!"

Plan E: General Hospital
Blackadder "I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with... 't'."
Baldrick "Breakfast."
Blackadder "What?"
Baldrick "My breakfast always begins with tea, thenI have a little sausage. Then an egg with some little soldiers."
Blackadder "When I say it begins with 't', I meant a letter."
Baldrick "No, it never begins with a letter, the postman don't come until 10.30."

Percy "I'm as British as Queen Victoria!"
Blackadder "You mean your father's German, you're half German and you married a German?"

Mary "Do you have someone special in your life?"
Blackadder "Well, yes I do, as a matter of fact."
Mary "Who?"
Blackadder "Me."
Mary "No, someone you love and cherish and want to keep safe from all the horror and the hurt?"
Blackadder "Still me, really."

Plan F: Goodbyeee
Baldrick (on the war) "I heard it started when some chap called Archie Duke shot an ostich because he was hungry."
Blackadder "I think you mean it started when the Arch-Duke of Austro-Hungary got shot."
Baldrick "No, there was definitely an ostrich involved."

Blackadder "The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterent. That way there could never be a war."
Baldrick "Except, well, this is a sort of war, isn't it?"
Blackadder "That's right, there was one tiny flaw in the plan."
George "Oh, what was that?"
Blackadder "It was bollocks."

Melchett "Do you love your country, soldier?"
Baldrick "Certainly do, sir."
Melchett "And do you love your king?"
Baldrick "Certainly don't, sir."
Melchett "Why not?"
Baldrick "My mum told me never to trust men with beards."

Baldrick (on joining up) "It was great - the first time I've ever really felt popular, everyone was cheering and throwing flowers, a gril actually came up and kissed me."
Blackadder "Poor woman - first casualty of the war."

Blackadder "My God, you've got it, you've got it!" [Kisses Baldrick.]
Baldrick "Well, if I've got it, you've got it too now, sir."

Blackadder "Both sides advanced further during one Christmas piss-up than we've managed in the next two and a half years."
Baldrick "Sir, sir, do you remember the football match sir?"
Blackadder "Remember it, how could I forget it? I was never offside, I could not believe that decision."

Blackadder "I think the phrase rhymes with 'clucking bell'."

Percy "Made a note in my diary on the way here. Says simply 'ber'."


Blackadder's Christmas Carol

Blackadder "Baldrick, you wouldn't recognise a cunning plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Cunning plans are here again'."




The Black Adder

(episodes 1-5)

The sound of hoof beats 'cross the glade,
Good folk, lock up your son and daughter,
Beware the deadly flashing blade,
Unless you want to end up shorter.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he rides a pitch black steed.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he's very bad indeed.
Black: his gloves of finest mole,
Black: his codpiece made of metal,
His horse is blacker than a vole,
His pot is blacker than his kettle.
Black Adder, Black Adder, with many an cunning plan.
Black Adder, Black Adder, you horrid little man.

"The Black Seal" (episode 6)
So now the wage of sin is paid,
The blameless dead, the black steed grazes.
The only sound across the glade
Is Edmund pushing up the daisies.
Black Adder, Black Adder, a shame about the plan.
Black Adder, Black Adder, tha' worked, you horrid man.

Blackadder II

"Bells"
Lord Flashheart tweaked the Adder's beard.

From now he always shall be single.
To fall in love with boys is weird,
Especially boys without a dingle.
Black Adder, Black Adder, his taste is rather odd.
Black Adder, Black Adder, the randy little sod.
Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, I wish you were the star.
Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart, you're sexier by far.

"Head"
His great-grandfather was a king,
Although for only thirty seconds.
When put in charge of beheading,
He felt that fame and glory beckoned.
Black Adder, Black Adder, no such blooming luck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, Elizabethan shmuck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, nothing goes as planned.
Black Adder, Black Adder, life deals him a bum hand.

"Potato"
Sir Francis and Sir Walter had
Discovered new worlds and new nations.
And though Black Adder thought them mad,
He tried his hand at navigation.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he saw the ocean's foam.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he should have stayed at home.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he heard the new world's call.
Black Adder, Black Adder, discovered ber-all.

"Money"
Take heed the moral of this tale:
Be not a borrower or lender.
And if your finances do fail,
Make sure your banker's not a bender.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he trusted in the church.
Black Adder, Black Adder, it left him in the lurch.
Black Adder, Black Adder, his life was almost done.
Black Adder, Black Adder, who gives a toss? No one.

"Beer"
Black Adder couldn't hold his beer.
The art of boozing he's not mastered.
And I, your merry balladeer,
Am also well and truly plastered.
Black Adder, Black Adder, a bit like Robin Hood.
Black Adder, Black Adder, but nothing like as good.
Black Ad, Black Adder, I thought that he had died.
Black Adder, Black Adder, our writers must have lied.

"Chains"
Beware all ye who lust for fame.
The path of life is most uncertain.
Prince Ludwig thought he'd won the game.
But now the Kraut's gone for a burton.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he beat the Hun by luck.
Black Adder, Black Adder, he's smarter than a duck.
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, intelligent and deep.
Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett, a shame about the sheep.

Blackadder's Christmas Carol
He's kind & gen'rous to the sick,
He'd never spread a nasty rumour.
He never gets on people's wick,
And doesn't laugh at toilet humour.
Blackadder, Blackadder,
He's sickeningly good.
Blackadder, Blackadder,
As nice as Christmas pud.

Blackadder Back & Forth closing song
Let joy fill every Briton's heart,
For now the country's going to make it.
At last a King who looks the part,
At last a Queen who looks good naked.

Blackadder,
Blackadder,
A monarch with panache,
Blackadder,
Blackadder
He's got a nice moustache

Everything he wants he'll get,
The world is now Blackadder's oyster,
Most Prime Ministers are wet,
But Baldrick he is even moister.

Blackadder,
Blackadder,
A dog who's got his bone,
Blackadder,
Blackadder,
A bastard on the throne

Blackadder,
Blackadder,
His beard is neatly curled,
Blackadder,
Blackadder,
He's going to rule the world

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četvrtak, 31.08.2006.

Perka partizan,virusi bijesa i majmunski feces

A jebote sad ni Perka sunce moje partizansko nema više inspiracije,ljubi ga čika monkeylord posred skvikalice.
Mora da je to neki opaki virus koji bazrazložno napada kul ljude kao što smo minaughty al jebiga to se priroda bori protiv ovakih apsolutnih autoriteta. Jer gdje bi došli da takvi poput nas vladaju svijetom, pomrli bi ko zečevi za paprikaš...Kad smo već kod virusa i umiranja sinoć sam gledao,dobro počeo sam gledati jedan film mislim da se trebuje:" 28 dana poslije" ,tako nešto. Film o nekoakvome opakome virusu (virus-opaka živinakoju nevidimo ni onim kul dalekozorima na stolu koje prof. iz kemija naziva nekakvim sitnozorom, koje prave uber sranja posvijetu i vašem susjedstvu.op.a.) koji je naravno kao u svakom filmu ispao iz majmuna. Ja ne znam jel to ovi redatelji, scenaristi, svi ljudi koji zarađuju masne pare na filmovima i ševe najbolje komade samo zato da im kažu da ne mogu dobiti ulogu, žele ogaditi ljudskoj rasi majmune....E PA NEĆE IĆI, jer ja kao svemoćni Gospodar Majmuna zaštitnik ježevih kožica i kojekakvih drugih titula koje mi se sada ne da izmišljati, znam da ljudi u podsvijesti zapravo vole majmune unatoč svemu. Zato što nas podsjećaju previše na nas, tko još ne bi htio po cijele dane provesti u kavezima sa ljuljčkom i vrtuljkom, dobivaš papicu 3-4 puta dnevno, čak ti i žensku dofuraju, jeste doduše da je malo dlakavija od prosjeka al jebiga ko bira masturbira, a sve što cijeli dan moraš raditi je pokazivati dosadnim starcima, koji smrde na nafatlin, i njihovim još dosadnijim unucima, koji ti dobacuju Kiki bombone, svoju upaljeno crvenu guzicu, tu i tamo prošetat kožicu na opće oduševljenje dijela publike s pivskom škembom i zgražanje onih našminkanih i za kraj čisto da ima svima iskazeš neizrecivu ljubav i poštvanje iz zahvalnosti za užegli kikiriki i Kiki bombone, malo ih gađati fecesom. I nakon svega toga nitko ti ništa neće zamjeriti nego će se još vratiti sljedeći tjedan i sa prikrivenim, opakim podsmjehom na licu pogurati svoje zbunjene prijatelje bliže kavezu da pogledaju šta to majmun drži u ruciwink
Lijep je život cirkuske atrakcije i prodavača janjetine.
Uglavnom gdje sam ono skrenuo sa teme? U filmu svi popizde odvirusa jer su borci za životinjska prava (tko drugi) provalili u laboratorij gdjesu majmune zarazili sa (pazi sad) virusom bijesa...da dame i gospodo, transvestiti i ostala gamadi koja se usuđuje nazivati pripadnicima ljudskog roda, kad god popizdite popijte si čašu čaja sa puno limuna, 2 aspirina (po mogućnosti ona šumeća koja btw. ne preporučujem šmrknut jer imaju tndenciju neobićno pjeniti u nosu i stvarati dodatni pritisak) i odležite nekoliko sati i uz malo sreće i bakine domaće pileće juhice sve će biti ok.
Više ne želim pisati pa kako reče stari mudrac na daleko istočnoj obali dok je gladio zeca između ušiju:"Čujemo se!!!!"
mahwave



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srijeda, 30.08.2006.

Blokada

Ajde aktivirajte se i vi malo dajte koju konstruktivnu ideju da imam o čemu pisati,napustile me muze gluposti,zaposlite malo moj beskorisni i nezaposleni mozak nekim dobrim prijedlogom...aj smislite nešto ja sam presušio totalno,nema inspiracije, doduše ima volje ali ne previšeheadbang
Aj malo...o čemu da piše Gospodar Majmuna?????



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petak, 25.08.2006.

Elijen dvajes´osmi slijepi putnik






Pozdrav radna nacijo sa đabalebaroškom većinom (znam zvuči glupo) evo mene na vašu preveliku žalost i moju neopisivu radost što mogu još jednom potencijalno cijeli svijet gnjaviti mojim ponešto zamornim i ponekad odurnim razmišljanjima…
Gledao ja TV, jednog dana ću ja i plaću dobivati za to, neki tamo bošnjački (to je politički korektan naziv za Bosance) program kad ono u čarobnoj kutiji daleko vidnice ona dva iluzionista (politički korektan naziv za mađioničare, prodavače magle i slične ljude koji zarađuju navlačeći životinje iz šešira) znate onaj debeli i onaj nijemi mršavi što su ih oni njihovi tigrovi razbucali, mislim da su malog i pojeli, uglavnom nije ni važno. Zanimljiva je bila tema emisije koju su vodili ,a to je bilo nešto o vanzemaljcima, ma znate to su oni ET-jevi, greyevi, alieni, predatori, rođaci sa sela s čudnim navikama koje nikada prije nismo vidjeli, i o ljudima koji su ih vidjeli, bili oteti od strane istih ili s njima općili u svrsi stvaranja nove rase uber-mješanaca koji će jednog dana biti gluplji od vanzemaljaca i slabiji od ljudi i vladati će cijelim poznatim ako ne i nepoznatim svijetom. Šta su ljudi sve spremni nasrat da bi dobili malo pažnje…strašno. Tip priča o tajnim vladinim programima na javnom skupu na kojem ga svaki dan vidi par tisućica ljudi a faca mu mora biti zamagljena pred kamerama da ga ne bi tajne vladine agencije jajcovale na obližnjoj banderi ili ga trtili u nekom vlažnom podrumu. Ali najdraži su mi bili oni sa reptilima tj. reptiloidnim humanoidima, jedna mlada dama je ponosno pokazala crtež na razini 8 godišnjeg djeteta koji pokazuje portret njezinog ET-jevskog muža Jalapara (ovdje si uzimam malo umjetničke slobode jer jednostavno nisam mogao upamtiti njegovo ime) koji izgleda kao križanac između zelembaća vulgarisa domaćeg i talijana ulizanog galeba turista također vulgarnoga a nakon toga je izvukla i ilustraciju svoje troje djece koji su crossoveri između nje i Jalapara, slatki klinci, doduše bili bi ljepši da malo više sliče na mamu ali jebi ga takav ti je život…jeste znali daje i Bush isto reptil i onaj Al Chaney i britanska kraljevska obitelj ali mi obični ljudi to ne možemo vidjeti samo onaj tip što je napisao 14 knjiga o tome i možda ona baba koja je pričala da su je oteli i čelo joj bušili vanzemaljci koji izgledaju zastaršujuće slično onima iz Mars napada…Možda je i Žak matićni brod rase patuljastih ali veoma opakih mutantskih kninđa kornjača, velika turtlača koja će osloboditi svoj smrtonosni sadržaj ubojitih ratnika utreniranih od strane najvećeg kninđa štakora u galaksiji negdje u kanalizacijskim sustavima Marsa…´ko će ga znat.
A ti vanzemaljci uvijek neki pametni jebli majku i još k tomu ili su mali i slatki i vole piti koka-kolu (jer Spielbergu Pepsi jednostavno nije ponudila dovoljno novca, a i šta će njima tamo neki ET kad su imali Mc Hammera, a on je uvijek plesao bolje nego Vanna) ili nas žele satrati sa zemljom i našim iznutricama gnojiti voćnjake oko Kopačkog rita, i nikada nemaju šupak a ni ispust urinarnog trakta...pa jebem mu mater ako već jedu ljude ili piju gazirana pića s visokim udjelom šećera i CO2 s trunkom kofeina i ortofosforne kiseline moraju tu i tamo olakšati se uz drvo ili iza kontejnera za stari papir, ili barem pustiti malo gasa. Kad će več jednom napraviti film gdje su vanzemaljci primitivni đabalebaroše koji žive u VUKOJEBINI svemira koja izgleda kao raj i onda dođemo mi kao svemirski marinci i ako su pomislimo da su ratoborni totalno ih razjebemo sa prijenosnim rail ganovima i hrpama mišića i umjetne intelligencije tipa Švarceneger T-69 kamasutra edition v2.2. a ako se slučajno u onom nategnutom hipotetskom slučaju uspostavimo kontakt sa tim priglupim i miroljubivim bićima sa periferije galaksije i zaključimo da su miroljubivi i ne predstavljaju nikakvu prijetnju onda uspostavimo s njima trgovačke odnose i prodamo im masovne količine oružja. A pošto imaju oružje logično je zaključiti da su prijetnja svemirskom poredku i nama samima pa ih onda opet možemo satrat i preuzeti njihov prelijepi i plodni planet i na njemu izgraditi prvu termo elektranu…ne da mi se više srat, aj uživajte



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nedjelja, 20.08.2006.

Post bez "Z"



Da objasnim cemu sve ovo...ne radi mi nekoliko slova na tipkovnici a medju njima i ovo u naslovu ko je je by the way copy paste uradak vrijedan postovanja cak i najvecih copy-pastera danasnjice...
Sjedio ja tako ispred mojega kompujtera i drcim po onijem tipaklima i serem neke jake fecese po ekranu kad osjetih neodoljivu potrebu pomociti grlo svoje gutljajem studen hladne vode koja curi tamo s moje pipe.I odem ja na mjesto gdje voda probija onu tvorevinu od cigala i maltera i napunim casu njome i donesem je pored kompjuter masine moje drito kod tipakalnice...i kenjam ja jos neko vrijeme po tome po cemu sam vec odlagao fekalije i odjednom prosvijetli me duh sveti i prestanem kaljati svoju mladu dusu profanim tekstovima koji kvare mladenacki duh moj sa opakim mislima i neprilicnim predocenjima bluda i grijeha koji trgaju posljednje ostatke dobrote u meni. I posegnem prema olovci da upisem negdje tocno vrijeme moga prosvjetljenja. Kad usred lijepa i vedra dana prolomi se nebom strasan huk gromoviti i ja se usere od straha i prevali onu casu vode sto sam donio po cijeloj jebenoj tipkovnici…I sad ne radi.
Mislio sam ja puno toga napisati ali sve dobre rijeci koje mi padaju napamet a kljucne su po interpretaciju mogucega teksta imaju u sebi ono jebeno slovo koje bi trebao copy-pasteat a ne da mi se…Ovaj odurni tekst neka vam bude pouka: klonite se bludnih misli (radije ih provedite u djelo), gledajte gdje cete spustiti casu pored tipakala jer jebeno je odvratno kad nemate slova sa kvacicama i ono jedno slovo koje nemam pa ga ne mogu ni napisati…i ako vec pijete pored kompjutor masine pijte cisiti alkohol jer on mnogo hitro lapi i nece vam usrati slovaricu kao meni…
Budite mi dobri i ne bludite osim ako to nije neophodno i uistinu potrebno i ne radite iste greske kao i JA
mahwave



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ponedjeljak, 07.08.2006.

Kuda idu divlje svinje



Evo popustio sam i ja zahtjevima mase i pišem post tek sada iako sam obećao još daaavno (ne trijas,jura,kreda davno ali ipak davno).

Jedan od razloga zašto kasnim je i to što sam bio na vikendici sa Hrcom, Perkom i Boogiem i inim ljudima koje sada neću spominjati jednostavno zato što mi se ne da ali neka se ne nađu uvrijeđeni.
Vikendica je u vukojebini (dobro nije baš vukojebina ali ja to volim tako reći) na Dravi blizu Aljmaša i ima puno blata kad hodaš kroz šumu i jedna dobra susjeda koja ima dijete al´ ipak draži nevine alkoholičare 50-ak puta dnevno dok se oni saftaju u dimu i znoju svojih radnih ruku…Uglavnom tamo sam pio,jeo meso i pokušavao pecati, ne nužno tim redoslijedom i ne sve jednakim uspjehom. Želim vam ispričati kakva sudba kleta nas je zadesila na putu u Aljmaš po osnovne potrepštine vino i kruh (zvuči sveto jel da),idemo mi tako šumom skačemo preko bara i bježimo od Thunderstruckova (htio sam naći slike i tih opakih živina li nema pa ako vas zanima šta je to obratite se na: http://perkules.blog.hr )
Kad odjednom šuškanje u grmlju i lom suhih grana a kroz nebo zagrmi moćan SKVIIIIIIIIIIIK isprva sam pomislio da je Perkules (inače tamo smo išli Boogie i ja i nesretni akter ovih događaja kojeg ne želim imenovati radi zaštite njegove časti nazovimo ga John Uhid ).
Počinjemo trčati, svatko prema svojim mogućnostima, Boogie prvi hrabro bježi što brže može lomeći Lade Nive ispred sebe, iza njega nepokolebljivo posrćem i klipšem ja, a iza mene sa bolno tužnim pogledom u očima trči mali John a ganja ga vepar, i to ne bilo kakav vepar već napaljeni vepar, onaj što ostavlja po 5 tragova kad hoda kroz snijeg. Uskoro je Johnov pogled postao još bolniji kad ga je moćna zvijer oborila na pod i svojim zapanjujuće spretnim papcima mu rastrgla majicu i hlače jadnog Udiha i zatim penetrirala ubirući Johnov pupoljak mladosti, ubirući njegov cvijetak beskrupulozno ga iskorištavajući. Vidjevši prijatelja kako se bespomoćno rita i urliče pod velikom zvijeri potrčali smo u pomoć, ja sam zabio Uhidovu glavu u blato (da ne bi udario u kakav kamen dok ga vepar trti) što je odmah utišalo njegove krike, dok ga je Boogie počeo udarati u potiljak da bi se prestao trzati kako bi vepar što prije završio i otišao. Dok je John mantrao ovo se ne događa, ritmično se njihajući poput zapostavljenog djeteta, osjetio je ljubav prema plemenitoj životinji, vepar je završio započeto i otišao..Tužan je prijatelj naš bio, ni broj vepru nije ostavio, pitao se kako će ga nazvati sutra, hoće li ga ikada vidjeti…kako će nazvati prvo dijete…u suzama njegovim od tuge i našima od smijeha pokupili smo njegove stvari sa poda i krenuli polagano prema vikendici…a John je ostao slomljenog srca i raskupušenog analnog vjenčića sa suzom u oku, jecajem na usnama i oštrom boli u debelom crijevu….

Ova priča je izmišljena (osim činjenice da smo išli na vikendicu i pješačili do Aljmaša kroz blato i ponešto od priče o silovanju našeg dragog prijatelja od strane vepra) ali je svaka sličnost sa pravim likovima namjerna i očita.

Dakle djeco što smo naučili iz svega ovoga???
Nikada u šumu bez pojasa nevinosti, kompasa, šibica (zalihe šibicare Osijek) i nekog oblika vatrenog oružja, ako ne nosite to ponesite barem šaku vazelina.

U stranu tragični incident, bilo nam je lijepo, pojeo sam astronomske količine mrtvih životinja sa roštilja i kotlovine uz minimalne primjese povrća i enormne količine alkohola u 3 dana što je rezultiralo nekim poprilično jedinstvenim defekacijama u poljskom Wc-u…a kad smo već kod poljaka (ne državljana poljske već istoimenog mjesta za defekaciju i uriniranje) mislim da je to jedna od velikih tvrđava zajedništva i solidarnosti koja je ostala u 20 stoljeću. Jer količina prijateljstva i povezanosti mora biti uistinu velika da bi svi srali u istu miomirisnu rupu i pritom uživali u jedinstvenom bukeu aroma koja se sakuplja sa vremenom uporabe.
Ima toga puno još o čemu bi sad pisao ali ne da mi se pa do sljedećeg puta
Živi bili i prcali….i kad idete kroz šumu poslušajte oko sebe i čuvajte se vepra
wavemah



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