gušterica

blog iz vlaka:

Dakle: napokon sam u Rijeci. Došla sam na kraju vlakom, jer su tetak I tetka non-stop odgađali put! Nakon dosta pregovaranja, odluka je pala da ja idem vlakom, a oni će se vrnuti za vikend zajedno sa mojim stvarima.
Moji razlozi za raniji odlazak: useljavanje u dom, psihički odmor, (budući da je napetost rasla iz dana u dan, i već je počela udarati u strop), relaxacija s društvom, možda i izlazak, neki mali shopping u gradu (snickers, couple of T-shirts...etc.)
Njihovi razlozi za dulji ostanak (a već su tamo boravili 10ak dana): plaćanje računa i pecanje na Dunavu. Pomalo neodgovorno prema meni, jer, ovo mi je JAKO važna stvar u životu, i ne želim sve raditi u zadnji tren, ne želim NOVI POČETAK započeti negativno nastrojena (nervozna, ljuta, neorganizirana i nestaložena)
Na ovaj odlazak sam se pripremala puna dva tjedna, već sam se 6 puta pozdravljala sa jednim te istim ljudima, da na kraju nitko više nije ni vjerovao u moju selidbu.

Stvari sam spakirala u kutije, vreće i torbe punih tjedan dana prije polaska, (i to mi je darling pomogao demolirati sobu) jer sam bila u zabludi o polasku dan-sutra!, i tako do sada nisam imala pristup internetu, pola stvari koje sam htjela pisati su pale u zaborav, ali trudit ću se biti redovita.

Uglavnom, taj sam dan izbacila PUNU veliku vreću za smeće sentimentalnoh gluposti koje su se nakupile tijekom par godina. Samo, nije mi jasno odakle ih toliko, kad sam od tih sranja očistila sobu prije2-3 mjeseca, a još toliko je ostalo!
To su sve one gluposti koje ti tobože nešto predstavljaju u životu, a kad ih baciš, uopće ti ne fale, niti ti trebaju.

{čak smo darling & me prvi i jedini put ostali sami kod mene u stanu na sat ipol, pa smo naravno iskoristili priliku na stolu u blagovaoni i kauču u dnevnoj! :-) }

baka i djed su se danas preselili nazad na selo. Baka je postala tooemotional, a s djedom sam se svađala do posljednjeg dana (otišli mu živci, a ja ne mogu otrpit, ni prešutjeti). Na kraju me nije htio ni zagrliti kad smo se pozdravljali, samo je rekao «nemoj se ljutiti što sam te grdio», i ostatak BAD-BREATH babaca iz susjedstva me je izljubio, da sam prvom prilikom dezinficirala lice asepsoletom.

Nisam imala feeling da odlazim. Iz stana sam izašla s ruksakom na leđima i par vrećica u rukama. Kao da idem negdje za vikend.
2h i 15 min prije polaska sam provela s darlingom. Bilo je bez suza (njih sam se riješila u prošlu nedjelju). Možda je to silno odgađanje puta čak dobro i došlo jer smo uspjeli maximalno iskoristiti preostalo vrijeme. U ova dva mjeseca je bilo možda 7-8 dana kada se nismo vidjeli, što je stvarno a lot of time spent together!! I nismo si dosadili, niti se posvađali! Čudo.
Jučer mi je rekao da bi meženio, i da mu se to u zadnje vrijeme dosta mota po glavi. FREAKKKKKKK
Nisam iznenađena. Više začuđena, jer bi se on sa svojom 21 godinom ŽENIO! Meni to još nije u planu 5-6-7 godina, a i kad pogledam u te cifre, i to mi se čini prerano, prebrzo.

Kada iz drugogo kuta pogledam na nas, to izgleda ovako:
Ja sam njemu 5.,- 6.. dosta je zreliji od mene, zna što želi i što mu odgovara. A on je meni prvi. Prvi sex, prva ozbiljna veza. Relativno sam nezrela i u potrazi. I iako je on trenutno jedina osoba s kojom sam razvila connection on this level i trenutno jedini dečko/tip/muškarac s kojim se možda čak i mogu zamisliti u braku, u međuvremenu mi treba još malo iskustva, zabave, Neobaveza i ludosti.
Kada me je sinoć pitao «jesam li ti dovoljan?» rekoh : «trenutno jesi», na što se uvrijedio. Morala sam mu objašnjavati da ne može od mene očekivati ponašanje ko da imam 27-30g., da sam spremna na *brak-posao-djeca* situaciju.

VLAK

Nema rezervacije. Samo da mi u kupeu ne sjedi neki babac.
Ušli u jedan prazan, kad za 5 minuta dolazi neki djed: «jel tu br. 36?» «ne» (laž)»imate mjesta u drugim kupeima, nije bitna razervacija» «ja imam rezervirano na 36, i ne želim da me itko diže!» «GREAT!» grabb things and switch chairs!
Ušli u rugi kupe, gdje je jedna studentica. Ok, može.
Darling i ja se još sprdamo u vezi texta u kliku, kad ono nekababa: «je li tu slobodno?» «pa baš i nije, zar se želite gurati s nama?» bakica odustala, vidi da nije poželjna.

12:15 sjedim, a još uvijek nemam feeling da idem. Krećemo. Darling izišao, ja mu mašem s prozora. Nas 4 ženke, mlađe, kad na sljedećoj postaji uđu 2 babe, i sjele kod nas jer se vagon popunio. I koje li ironije: pored mene sjedne ČASNA! Vrag mi nije dao mira, pa sam joj tobože nehotice stavljala u vidno polje «nepristojne» slike iz klika. Baš sam zla.
KARLOVAC: ostala solo u kupleraju. Provitrim na hodnik, kad ono onaj djedica sa rezervacijom na 36 gleda kroz prozor.
Imao je nekako prijateljsku, nevinu, usamljenu facu. Razočaani izraz na licu. To me uvijek slomi. Bilo mi ga žao. Narasla miknedla u grlu, i ne pušta. Sjetila se svojih bake i djeda. I oni su imali isti razočarani pogled zbog mog odlalska. I to me boli. Nisam ja predodređena da bih udovoljavala drugima. Ne žalim ispasti sebična, no moji su mi ciljevi ipak na 1. mjestu.

U X mjestu ulazi netko. Više nisam solo. Smrdile mu noge. Doima se...propalica. ilegalac, radi mutne poslove, neobrazovani seljak, redneck. Priča ekavicom i prepotentno, što me posebno iritira. Trpim.

Mislim na darlinga, već mi fali! Možda me posjeti za rođendan.
Kako to? Zbog čega ti netko/nešto fali tek kad ostaneš bez toga? I tek tada spoznaš njegovu pravu vrijednost, koju si do sada svo vrijeme omalovažavao i potcjenjivao?! Nije vrag da se bojimo priznati koliko smo slabi, pa se furamo na nedodirljivost. Stavljamo maske i ograđujemo se od osjećaja. Volim ga. Užasno ga volim. Sve njegove nedostatke, sitne nesavršenosti koje su često bile predmet naših sprdnji. Njegov zagrljaj, i kad mi iz milja kaže: «smrade jedan» ili «đubre jedno» i «volim te gade moj mali»...

A da sam ostala...onda bih ga mrzila, jer mi je uništio snove i pokvario planove.1 gizs, kako debilno!
Moram ići, dude iz fossa (gdje se nalazim, zatvara, ide mu se doma. ) isprike zbog tiskarskih grešaka.

06.10.2004. u 15:28 | 1 Komentara | Print | # | ^

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Opis bloga

Krećem u život. Prošle sam godine postala punoljetna,a ove godine krećem u "on my own". Jedva Čekam. Bolje se osjećam kad s nekim dijelim svoja razmišljanja, a ne moram ga poznavati...

Linkovi

Blog.hr

colorblind, žena fenomenalno piše. istinski uživam u njenim textovima i sa nestrpljenjem iščekujem novi post

MaD, legenda. svaki put mi vrati osmjeh na lice

seks i priča, savršeno za one koji vole zabadati nos u tuđi sexlife

zrinka, sa izjavama: "izgledaš kao potrošeni kurton..." ovo ne možeš preskočiti

ptica trkachica:pocela sam ju citati tek nedavno, i ne mogu prestati, zarazna je!
redovito blogam i ovdje:
žuta minuta
jednorog
Tamara
ofca
voćko
darkerica
zakon mame:
Lucy Fair
Hajdučica

lyrics o mom trenutačnom duševnom stanju:


KEANE "Somewhere Only We Know"

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?


AVRIL LAVIGNE "My Happy Ending"

So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus:]
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus]

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

[Chorus x2]

[x2]
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...


Cranberries: Stars

The Stars are bright tonight
And I am walking nowhere

Guess I will be alright
Desire gets you nowhere

And you are always right
I thought you were so perfect

Take you as you were
Have you as you were
Take you as you were

I love you just the way you are
I love you just the way you are
I´ll take you just the way you are
Does anybody love the way you are?
Aaa Aaa Aaa

The Stars are bright tonight
A distance is between us
And I will be OK
The worst I´ve ever seen us

And still I have my weaknesses
And still I have my strength
And still I have my ugliness

But I, I, I
I love you just the way you are
I love you just the way you are
I´ll take you just the way you are
Does anybody love the way you are?

Aaaa Aaaa Aaaa Aaaa Aaaaa

I love you just the way you are
I love you just the way you are
I´ll take you just the way you are
Does anybody love the way you are?

Aaaa Aaaa Aaaa Aaaa Aaaa Aaaa Aaaa

Star, Star


the Rasmus - in the shadows

No sleep
No sleep until I'm done with finding the answer
Won't stop
Won't stop before I find the cure for this cancer

Sometimes I feel like going down, I'm so disconnected
Somehow I know that I am haunted to be wanted

I've been watching, I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time
I've been searching, I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

They say that I must learn to kill before I can feel safe
But I, I'd rather kill myself than turn into their slave

Sometimes I feel that I should go and play with the thunder
Somehow I just don't wanna stay and wait for a wonder

I've been watching, I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time
I've been searching, I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

Lately, I've been walking, walking in circles
Watching, waiting for something
Feel me, touch me, heal me
Come take me higher

I've been watching, I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time
I've been searching, I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

I've been watching,
I've been waiting,
I've been searching,
I've been living,
for tomorrows....

In the shadows....

In the shadows.....

I've been waiting.............

Meredith Brooks, Bitch

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one
Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way
So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing
Chorus
Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me
Chorus
I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

JEWEL,"Foolish Games"

You took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.
You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather.
[Pre-Chorus 1]
Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees, and...
[Chorus]
These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart.
You're always brilliant in the morning,
Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee.
Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you.
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar.
You'd teach me of honest things,
Things that were daring, things that were clean.
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean.
I hid my soiled hands behind my back.
Somewhere along the line, I must've gone
Off track with you.
[Pre-Chorus 2]
Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.
[Chorus]
You took your coat off,
Stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.


Linkin Park: "Numb"

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Tired of being what you want me to be

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