gušterica

HISTERIJA IN MY HOUSE:

Slušam CRANBERRIES, volim njezin glas iako joj pjesme i nisu nešto posebno. Neke.

Ja nemam obitelj. Moja kuca nije moj dom. Zato bježim. U potrazi za srecom.

Iz stana sam izašla oko pola 3 popodne, prošetala do centra, našla se sa starim znancem na kavi, zatim se šetali uz Dravu…i dok si rekao keks prošla su 4 sata u prici i zajebanciji.
Na kraju me je poljubio. Ostala sam bez daha. I rastali smo se. Nakon sekunde sam mu to i doviknula.
Za minutu stiže mi sms: «P.S. i ja. Još su ti onak super mekane usne…»

Kako sam bila sretna, i žudjela za joššššššš.
Naime: nas se dvoje poznajemo gotovo 2 godine. I vidjeli smo se treci put u životu, ali se redovito cujemo, i možemo pricati o svemu.
Upoznali smo se na doceku 2003. tj. 2h nakon ponoci. On mi je prišao, zapoceo razgovor i ja sam ga širom otvorenih ociju slušala. Iako pola stvari koje je pricao nisam cula og glasne glazbe, no nije bilo bitno. Bio je totalno neobican. Metalac/Rapper. Simpatican, pristojan i zanimljiv. Nije odavde. (hocu reci iz drugog mjesta je, jos uvijek u RH)
Njegovo je društvo bilo na odlasku (oko 3h), i taman je pocela pjesma CrazyTown, Butterfly = njemu tada vrlo draga pjesma, rekao je «ajmo plesati!»

Tada je zapocela citava carolija, koja i danas ima mjesto u našim životima.
U plesu smo se poceli ljubiti, i ljubili smo se neprekidno 2h. Toliku kompatibilnost nisam nikad s nikim doživjela.
Na skali od 1 do 10 doživljaj dobiva 11!
Prava atmosfera, prava glazba, ne previše ljudi. Šljokice po citavom mom tijelu, kosi…
To su oni trenuci kada ne postoji nitko drugi doli mi. Svi su ostali isparili, nikog nismo primjecivali, potpuno prepušteni jedno drugome, u nevjerojatnoj rezonanciji. Vrijeme je letjelo tolikom brzinom (kao u filmovima). U 5h sam morala krenuti, na brzinu je utipkao moj br u svoj mob i izletjela sam poput Pepeljuge, (izostavno gubljenje cipelice, ili bilo cega drugog).

Od tada se stalno cujemo. Iduci smo se put vidjeli za mjesec ipol (Valentinovo), mislili smo da ce se ponoviti ona magic, no nije, nikako! I od tada do danas, kontakti samo preko elektrona!

Back to present:
U 19h sam krenula kod decka. (Dakle nakon poljupca sa …) Taman kad me je nazvala moja «vještica» i histericno vikala da joj je dosta mog «kurvanja» (?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?) po gradu, i da podhitno dolazim doma!
Nakon oštrog prepiranja ODMAH DOLAZI KUCI/NECU uslijedilo je classic spuštanje slušalice s njene strane.
Ako vec živim s prokletim penzionerima fosilima iz tkoznakojeg razdoblja paleozoika ne znaci da i ja moram postati jedna od njih.
U glavi mi se motala misao ispunjena mržnjom: {zašto vas nisu ubili nego moje roditelje? Zbog cega se baš meni moralo to dogoditi. U ovih 6 godina, koliko živim s njima, sve je gore i gore.}
A razdoblje prethodnih 6 godina nije bilo nimalo bolje. Pa nisam je problematicno stvorenje!
Iducih 6 godina cu nastojati popraviti sve propuste koje sam imala u životu.

Uglavnom… malo sam skrenula s puta.

Kuci naravno nisam otisla, vec nastavila put decka. Od tamo sam nazvala doma, i uslijedile su jos dvije epizode histerije, pomahnitalosti i nerazumijevanja. Rekla mi je da ce dignuti revoluciju, zaklat ce nekog, a potom ce se i sama ubiti ako ja ne dodjem doma.
Totalno zbunjena pitah ju da mi objasni razlog tog shizofrenichkog napadaja; vrištanje i tup. Spušetena slušalica. Otipkam još jednom isti br. –«šta hoceš?» -«objasni mi u cemu je problem?» -«nikad od tebe nište nece biti, dosta mi je tvog kurvanja okolo, šta ti imaš tražiti kod njega, to nije tvoja kuca, blablabla» uz još puuuno vrištanja meni na uho, opet mi je je**** babuskara spustila slušalicu.

Pošizila sam. Sad mi se pogotovo nije dalo ici doma. Decko me je pokusavao oraspoloziti, no uspijevalo je samo na kratke staze. Doma sam došla u 22:08, jer oni idu spavati u 9, pa cu ovako samo odgoditi neizbježnu svadju za sutra.

Za tjedan dana se selim. Fiume, here I come! Nadam se da cu preživjeti bez trajnijih posljedica po mom mentalnom zdravlju.
Sutra se ne želim probuditi.

09.09.2004. u 23:37 | 7 Komentara | Print | # | ^

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Opis bloga

Krećem u život. Prošle sam godine postala punoljetna,a ove godine krećem u "on my own". Jedva Čekam. Bolje se osjećam kad s nekim dijelim svoja razmišljanja, a ne moram ga poznavati...

Linkovi

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colorblind, žena fenomenalno piše. istinski uživam u njenim textovima i sa nestrpljenjem iščekujem novi post

MaD, legenda. svaki put mi vrati osmjeh na lice

seks i priča, savršeno za one koji vole zabadati nos u tuđi sexlife

zrinka, sa izjavama: "izgledaš kao potrošeni kurton..." ovo ne možeš preskočiti

ptica trkachica:pocela sam ju citati tek nedavno, i ne mogu prestati, zarazna je!
redovito blogam i ovdje:
žuta minuta
jednorog
Tamara
ofca
voćko
darkerica
zakon mame:
Lucy Fair
Hajdučica

lyrics o mom trenutačnom duševnom stanju:


KEANE "Somewhere Only We Know"

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?


AVRIL LAVIGNE "My Happy Ending"

So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus:]
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus]

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

[Chorus x2]

[x2]
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...


Cranberries: Stars

The Stars are bright tonight
And I am walking nowhere

Guess I will be alright
Desire gets you nowhere

And you are always right
I thought you were so perfect

Take you as you were
Have you as you were
Take you as you were

I love you just the way you are
I love you just the way you are
I´ll take you just the way you are
Does anybody love the way you are?
Aaa Aaa Aaa

The Stars are bright tonight
A distance is between us
And I will be OK
The worst I´ve ever seen us

And still I have my weaknesses
And still I have my strength
And still I have my ugliness

But I, I, I
I love you just the way you are
I love you just the way you are
I´ll take you just the way you are
Does anybody love the way you are?

Aaaa Aaaa Aaaa Aaaa Aaaaa

I love you just the way you are
I love you just the way you are
I´ll take you just the way you are
Does anybody love the way you are?

Aaaa Aaaa Aaaa Aaaa Aaaa Aaaa Aaaa

Star, Star


the Rasmus - in the shadows

No sleep
No sleep until I'm done with finding the answer
Won't stop
Won't stop before I find the cure for this cancer

Sometimes I feel like going down, I'm so disconnected
Somehow I know that I am haunted to be wanted

I've been watching, I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time
I've been searching, I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

They say that I must learn to kill before I can feel safe
But I, I'd rather kill myself than turn into their slave

Sometimes I feel that I should go and play with the thunder
Somehow I just don't wanna stay and wait for a wonder

I've been watching, I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time
I've been searching, I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

Lately, I've been walking, walking in circles
Watching, waiting for something
Feel me, touch me, heal me
Come take me higher

I've been watching, I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time
I've been searching, I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

I've been watching,
I've been waiting,
I've been searching,
I've been living,
for tomorrows....

In the shadows....

In the shadows.....

I've been waiting.............

Meredith Brooks, Bitch

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one
Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way
So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing
Chorus
Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me
Chorus
I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

JEWEL,"Foolish Games"

You took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.
You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather.
[Pre-Chorus 1]
Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees, and...
[Chorus]
These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart.
You're always brilliant in the morning,
Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee.
Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you.
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar.
You'd teach me of honest things,
Things that were daring, things that were clean.
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean.
I hid my soiled hands behind my back.
Somewhere along the line, I must've gone
Off track with you.
[Pre-Chorus 2]
Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself.
[Chorus]
You took your coat off,
Stood in the rain,
You're always crazy like that.


Linkin Park: "Numb"

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Tired of being what you want me to be

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