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ČETRNAEST,ŠTO ČITAM
četvrtak, 09.01.2014.Danas sam bila u dječjoj knjižnici... neki tečaj za djecu.. na stolu me čekala izvađena knjiga 'HOD KROZ GODINU, pokušaj rekonstrukcije prahrvatskog mitskog svjetonazora' Vitomira Belaja. Shvatila sam mig Univerzuma i odmah posudila.
Nadalje, čitam od Taishe Abelar 'The sorceresr crossing' koja je odlična, a određene tehnihke disanja su istovjetene onima iz knjige 'Osnovni i napredni Reiki' Diane Stein..(koju sam ,gle slučaja,baš izvukla iz prašine neki dan, uz onu 'Biti žena' A.W.S.,koju sam isto nabrzaka opet protrčala...)Znači , vjerojatno ću ju isprintati, (Taishu)ipak ju tako mogu primiti u ruke... Pa uz to ovakvu stranicu i štošta sličnog tipa.. Nadalje, još su neki tekstovi po blogu, od čega ću također nešto morati printati, da mogu u miru čitati bez sjedenja pred kompom. Ne znam što ću kad ću se morati vratiti na posao. Za dvije godine biti će 21 godina u toj branši. Jako bih voljela zatvoriti ta vrata, završiti taj ciklus. Moram reći da ne nailazim na razumijevanje okoline, uvijek je čuđenje zašto je tomu tako. E pa jest. Tomu je tako.
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TRINAEST
nedjelja, 05.01.2014.Eto ga, zadnja dva u nizu citata iz knjige 'Being in dreaming' F. Donner G.
Od idućeg posta prelazim na nešto novo...a što...vrijeme će pokazati
I thought her to be either very candid, very coy, or, even worse,
very mad.
"You don't believe that creatures from another world really exist, do you?" I snapped illhumoredly.
Then, afraid I had offended her, I glanced at her with a word of half-anxious apology
ready.
But before I could say anything, she answered in the same loud, ill-tempered tone of
voice I had used.
"Of course I believe they exist. Why shouldn't they exist?"
"They just don't!" I snapped sharply and authoritatively, then quickly apologized.
I told her about my pragmatic upbringing and how my father had guided me to realize
that the monsters in my dreams, and the playmates I had as a child- invisible to everyone,
but me, of course- were nothing but the product of an overactive imagination.
"From an early age I was reared to be objective and to qualify everything," I stressed. "In
my world, there are only facts."
"That's the problem with people," Delia remarked. "They are so reasonable that just
hearing about it lowers my vitality."
"In my world," I continued, ignoring her comment, "there are no facts anywhere about
creatures from another world, but only speculations and wishful thinking, and," I
emphasized, "fantasies of disturbed minds."
"You can't be that dense!" she cried out delightedly in between fits of laughter, as if my
explanation had surpassed all her expectations.
"Can it be proven that those creatures exist?" I challenged.
"What would the proof consist of?" she inquired with an air of obvious false diffidence.
[* diffidence- lack of self-confidence]
"If someone else can see them, that would be a proof," I said.
"You mean that if, for instance, you can see them, that'll be proof of their existence?" she
inquired, bringing her head close to mine.
"We can certainly begin there."
"Women," she maintained, "are not accountable. This lack of accountability gives women
a great deal of fluidity.
"Unfortunately, women rarely, if ever, make use of this advantage."
She moved about the room, her hand trailing over the large metal filing cabinet and over
the folding card table.
"The hardest thing to grasp about the sorcerers' world is that it offers total freedom." She
turned to face me and added softly, "But freedom is not free."
"What does freedom cost?"
She said, "Freedom will cost you the mask you have on; The mask that feels so
comfortable and is so hard to shed off; not because it fits so well, but because you have
been wearing it for so long."
She stopped pacing about the room and came to stand in front of the card table.
"Do you know what freedom is?" she asked rhetorically. "Freedom is the total absence of
concern about yourself," she said, sitting beside me on the bed.
"And the best way to quit being concerned with yourself is to be concerned about others."
"I am," I assured her. "I constantly think of Isidore Baltazar and his women."
"I'm sure you do," Florinda readily agreed.
She shook her head and yawned. "It's time for you to begin to shape your new mask; the
mask that cannot have anyone's imprint but your own.
"It has to be carved in solitude. Otherwise it won't fit properly. Otherwise there will
always be times when the mask will feel too tight, too loose, too hot, too cold ..." Her
voice trailed off as she went on enumerating the most outlandish discomforts.
A long silence ensued, and then in that same sleepy voice she said, "To choose the
sorcerers' world is not just a matter of saying you have. You have to act in that world.
"In your case, you have to dream. Have you dreamt-awake since your return?"
In a thoroughly morose mood, I admitted that I hadn't.
"Then you haven't made your decision yet," she observed severely. "You are not carving
your new mask. You are not dreaming your other self.
"Sorcerers are bound to their world solely through their impeccability."
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DVANAEST (Dubrava-Ljubljanica)
petak, 03.01.2014.Nastavak citata... za eventualnog nekog koji ulijeće na blog, bez ideje kaj se tu događa, upraf sam na pola (možda) vađenja najdražih komadića teksta iz knjige 'Being in dreaming' Florinde Donner Grau... na žalost, nemam hrvatski prijevod (a sumnjam da takav i postoji) ...citati idu nasumičnim redom, kako mi se svidi, nije im važan red
Brujo or bruja, which mean sorcerer or witch, are the Spanish terms they themselves use
to denote a male or a female practitioner.
I have always resented the negative connotation of those words, but the sorcerers
themselves put me at ease, once and for all by explaining that what is meant by sorcery is
something quite abstract; the ability, which some people develop, to expand the limits of
normal perception.
The abstract quality of sorcery voids automatically, then, any positive or negative
connotation of terms used to describe its practitioners.
Expanding the limits of normal perception is a concept that stems from the sorcerers'
belief that our choices in life are limited, due to the fact that they are defined by the social
order.
Sorcerers believe that the social order sets up our lists of options, but we do the rest: By
accepting only these choices, we set a limit to our nearly limitless possibilities.
This limitation, they say, fortunately applies only to our social side and not to the other
side of us; a practically inaccessible side, which is not in the realm of ordinary awareness.
Their main endeavor, therefore, is to uncover that side.
They do this by breaking the frail, yet resilient, shield of human assumptions about what
we are and what we are capable of being.
"I don't know what you're talking about," I said uneasily. I could feel her eyes boring
through me.
"As a woman, you should understand that plight very well," she said. "You have been a
slave all your life."
"What are you talking about, Delia?" I asked, irritated by her impertinence.
Then I immediately calmed down, certain that the poor Indian had no doubt an
insufferable, overwhelming husband.
"Believe me, Delia, I'm quite free. I do as I please."
"You might do as you please, but you're not free," she persisted:
"You are a woman, and that automatically means that you're at the mercy of men."
"I'm not at the mercy of anybody!" I yelled.
I couldn't tell whether it was my assertion or my tone of voice that made Delia burst into
loud guffaws. She laughed at me as hard as I had laughed at her before.
"You seem to be enjoying your revenge," I said, peeved. "It's your turn to laugh now, isn't
it?"
Suddenly serious, she said, "It's not the same at all.
"You laughed at me because you felt superior.
"A slave that talks like a master always delights the master for a moment."
I tried to interrupt her and tell her that it hadn't even crossed my mind to think of her as a
slave, or of me as a master, but she ignored my efforts.
In the same solemn tone she said that the reason she had laughed at me was because I had
been rendered stupid and blind to my own womanhood.
"What's with you, Delia?" I asked, puzzled. "You're deliberately insulting me."
"Certainly," she readily agreed and giggled, completely indifferent to my rising anger.
She slapped my knee with a resounding whack.
"What concerns me," she went on, "is that you don't even know that by the mere fact that
you're a woman you're a slave."
Mustering up all the patience I was capable of, I told Delia that she was wrong: "No one
is a slave nowadays."
"Women are slaves," Delia insisted. "Men enslave women.
"Men befog women.
"Men's desire to brand women as their property befogs us," she declared:
"That fog hangs around our necks like a yoke."
My blank look made her smile.
She lay back on the seat, clasping her hands on her chest.
"Sex befogs women," she added softly, yet emphatically:
"Women are so throughly befogged that they can't consider the possibility that their low
status in life is the direct end result of what is done to them sexually."
"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," I pronounced.
Then, rather ponderously, I went into a long diatribe about the social, economic, and
political reasons for women's low status.
At great length I talked about the changes that have taken place in the last decades; how
women have been quite successful in their fight against male supremacy.
Peeved by her mocking expression, I couldn't refrain from remarking that she was no
doubt prejudiced by her own experiences; by her own perspective in time.
Delia's whole body shook with suppressed mirth.
She made an effort to contain herself and said, "Nothing has really changed.
"Women are slaves. We've been reared to be slaves.
"The slaves who are educated are now busy addressing the social and political abuses
committed against women.
"None of the slaves, though, can focus on the root of their slavery- the sexual act- unless
it involves rape or is related to some other form of physical abuse."
A little smile parted her lips as she said that religious men, philosophers, and men of
science have for centuries maintained, and of course still do, that men and women must
follow a biological, God-given imperative having to do directly with their sexual
reproductive capabilities.
"We have been conditioned to believe that sex is good for us," she stressed:
"This inherent belief and acceptance has incapacitated us to ask the right question."
"And what question is that?" I asked, trying hard not to laugh at her utterly erroneous
convictions.
Delia didn't seem to have heard me: She was silent for so long I thought she had dozed
off.
I was startled when she said, "The question that no one dares ask is, what does it do to us
women to get laid?"
"Really, Delia," I chided in mock consternation.
"Women's befogging is so total, we will focus on every other issue of our inferiority
except the one that is the cause of it all," she maintained.
"But, Delia, we can't do without sex," I laughed. "What would happen to the human race
if we don't..."
She checked my question and my laughter with an imperative gesture of her hand.
"Nowadays, women like yourself, in their zeal for equality, imitate men," she said:
"Women imitate men to such an absurd degree that the sex they are interested in has
nothing to do with reproduction.
"They equate freedom with sex, without ever considering what sex does to their physical
and emotional well-being.
We have been so thoroughly indoctrinated, we firmly believe that sex is good for us."
She nudged me with her elbow, and then, as if she were reciting a chant, she added in a
sing-song tone, "Sex is good for us. It's pleasurable. It's necessary.
"It alleviates depression, repression, and frustration.
"It cures headaches, low and high blood pressure. It makes pimples disappear.
"It makes your tits and ass grow. It regulates your menstrual cycle.
"In short, it's fantastic! It's good for women.
"Everyone says so. Everyone recommends it."
She paused for an instant, and then pronounced with dramatic finality, "A fuck a day
keeps the doctor away."
I found her statements terribly funny, but then I sobered abruptly as I remembered how
my family and friends, including our family doctor, had suggested- not so crudely to be
sure- sex as a cure for all the adolescent ailments I had had growing up in a strictly
repressive environment.
The doctor had said that once I was married, I would have regular menstrual cycles. I
would gain weight. I would sleep better. I would be sweet tempered.
"I don't see anything wrong with wanting sex and love," I said defensively:
"Whatever I've experienced of it, I have liked very much.
"And no one befogs me. I'm free! I choose whom I want and when I want it."
There was a spark of glee in Delia's dark eyes when she said, "Choosing your partner
does in no way alter the fact that you're being fucked."
Then with a smile, as if to mitigate the harshness of her tone, she added, "To equate
freedom with sex is the ultimate irony:
"Men's befogging is so complete, so total, it has zapped us of the needed energy and
imagination to focus on the real cause of our enslavement."
She stressed, "To want a man sexually or to fall in love with one romantically are the
only two choices given to the slaves.
"And all the things we have been told about these two choices are nothing but excuses
that pull us into complicity and ignorance."
I was indignant with her. I couldn't help but think that she was some kind of repressed,
man-hating shrew.
"Why do you dislike men so much, Delia?" I asked in my most cynical tone.
"I don't dislike them," she assured me:
"What I passionately object to is our reluctance to examine how thoroughly indoctrinated
we are.
"The pressure put upon us is so fierce and self-righteous that we have become willing
accomplices.
"Whoever dares to differ is dismissed and mocked as a man-hater or as a freak."
Blushing, I glanced at her surreptitiously. I decided that she could talk so disparagingly
about sex and love because she was, after all, old: Physical desires were all behind her.
Chuckling softly, Delia put her hands behind her head:
"My physical desires are not behind me because I'm old," she confided, "but because I've
been given a chance to use my energy and imagination to become something different
than the slave I was raised to be."I was raised to be."
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JEDANAEST 1.1.
srijeda, 01.01.2014.Nastavak meni dragih citata;
..."Tears are meaningless for sorcerers," she said in her deep, husky voice:
"When you joined the sorcerers' world you were made to understand that the designs of
fate, no matter what they are, are merely challenges that a sorcerer must face without
resentment or self-pity."
She paused for a moment, then in her familiar, relentless manner she repeated what she
had said to me on previous occasions.
"Isidoro Baltazar is no longer a man but a nagual.
"He may have accompanied the old nagual; in which case he'll never return. But then, he
may not have."
But why did he..." My voice died away before I had asked the question.
"I really don't know at this time," Florinda said, raising her hand to forestall my protest:
"It is your challenge to rise above this; and as you know, challenges are not discussed or
resented.
"Challenges are actively met.
"Sorcerers either succeed in meeting their challenges, or they fail at it.
"And it doesn't really matter which, as long as they are in command."
Irked by the prosaicness of her feelings and attitudes, I said resentfully, "How do you
expect me to be in command when the sadness is killing me? Isidoro Baltazar is gone
forever."
She retorted sternly, "Why don't you heed my suggestion; and behave impeccably
regardless of your feelings,"
Her temper was as quick as her brilliant smile.
"How can I possibly do that? I know that if the nagual is gone the game is over."
"You don't need the nagual to be an impeccable sorceress," she remarked:
"Your impeccability should lead you to him even if he's no longer in the world.
To live impeccably within your circumstances is your challenge.
"Whether you see Isidore Baltazar tomorrow, in a year, or at the end of your life should
make no difference to you."...
Every night since my arrival, I had dreamt the same dream, which I had forgotten about
until that very moment.
I dreamt that all the women sorcerers came to my room and drilled me in the sorcerers'
rationales.
They told me, on and on, that dreaming is the secondary function of the womb- the
primary being reproduction and whatever is related to it.
They told me that dreaming is a natural function in women; a pure corollary of energy.
And given enough energy, the body of a woman by itself will awake the womb's
secondary functions; and the woman will dream inconceivable dreams.
The dreaming energy needed, however, is like aid to an underdeveloped country: It never
arrives.
Something in the overall order of our social structures prevents that energy from being
free so women can dream.
Were that energy free, the women sorcerers told me, it would simply overthrow the
'civilized' order of things.
But women's great tragedy is that their social conscience completely dominates their
individual conscience.
Women fear being different and don't want to stray too far from the comforts of the
known. The social pressures put upon them not to deviate are simply too overpowering.
And rather than change, women acquiesce to what has been ordained: 'Women exist to be
at the service of man.'
Thus, women can never dream sorcery dreams although they have the organic disposition
for it.
Womanhood has destroyed women's chances: Whether it be tinted with a religious or a
scientific slant, it still brands women with the same seal:
Women's main function is to reproduce, and whether they have achieved a degree of
political, social, or economic equality is ultimately immaterial.
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