srijeda, 31.01.2007.
MOJE GREŠKE
napisao sam oduži post o svojim greškama,ali mi je pukla veza pa ga nisam uspio postat.pošto sam veliki dio puta prošao sam jer se nisam imao kome otvoriti i nisam imao osobu sa kojom bi mogao razgovarati puno sam griješio i pisao sam raznorazne gluposti po raznim forumima.roditelji nisu imali razumijevanja za moje stanje te su ga pripisali svemu samo ne onome što u stvari je.moji prijatelji i još neke osobe sa kojima inače mogu otvoreno razgovarati također nisu razumjeli težinu moje situacije.oni od kojih sam očekivao najviše razumijevanja stisnuli su mi najveću blokadu i svaki put kada bi se htio otvoriti naletio bi na zid.zid šutnje i ignoriranja.
ne samo da mi nitko nije mogao pomoći već me nitko nije htio ni saslušati,ni probati me razumjeti.
na kraju mi se i samom bilo teško otvoriti jer sam u svojim očima sam sebi bio čudan.osjećao sam se kriv jer sam pustio da mi osoba do koje mi je bilo stalo klizne kroz prste.išao sam analizirati sve svoje postupke te sam sam sebe psihoanalizirao i dozvolio drugima da to naprave.
bilo je tu stručnih i nestručnih ljudi.dobivao sam razne neugodne kritike i ružne komentare,ali pošto sam i sam pisao gluposti dobio sam što sam i zaslužio.nakon dužeg vremena sam naletio na BPD pa sam čitao malo o tome.bio sam zainteresiran pa sam čitao sve više i više te nalazio razne stranice na webu vezane uz isto.čitavši to sve i upijajući informacije sam shvatio koliku rupu imam u općem znanju,a vezana je uz psihologiju.nije me ništa dovelo u tu situaciju nego moje vlastitio neznanje.neupućenost u samu temu te nedostatak objektivnosti.nedostatak objektivnosti=višak subjektivnosti ili emocija je još uvijek prisutan kod mene,ali u puno manjoj mjeri.puno sam griješio i imao sam puno toga ružnoga i negativnoga za izbaciti iz sebe.
osjećao sam se strašno loše,a nisam mogao uprijeti prstom u točan razlog ,svojeg lošeg stanja.moguće je da ću i dalje griješiti i pisati gluposti.pogotovo po tuđim blogovima.unaprijed se ispričavam
i ostavljam ovaj blog i svoje komentare otvorenim za svaku kritiku,savjet ili čak i ispravak krivog navoda.ako netko misli da sam mu dužan ispriku vrlo rado ću mu istu dati.još uvijek nisam 100% objektivan.najvjerovatnije neću nikada ni biti.iskreno smatram da mi je to više plus nego minus,no to je opet moje subjektivno mišljenje.da sam uspio biti 100% objektivan ne bi sada bio ovdje i pisao ove riječi.sebi sam uglavnom uspio pomoći i više ne zahtijevam odgovore od onih koji mi ih ni na prvom mjestu nisu mogli dati niti zahtijevam pomoć od onih koji mi ju nisu mogli pružiti.isto tako bi cijenio da su mi neki ljudi probali objasniti neke stvari,a ne da sam do nekih banalnosti i znanstvenih činjenica morao dolaziti sam pipkajući u mraku.očito su ti isti mislili da sam jadna budala sa nedovoljnim kvocijentom inteligencije da bi razumio sve to.na netu sam naletio na masu ljudi koji su prošli ovo kroz što sam prošao(prolazim)ja i shvatio sam da sam mogao proći puno gore i da ima i gorih sudbina od moje.nadam se da ću uspjeti kroz svoja i tuđa iskustva,te kroz ispovjesti bolesnih i onih koji su im bliski izvući korist za sve njih.meni je osoba koja je sama bolesna pomogla da razumijem i da prihvatim neke stvari i bez nje bi i dalje tapkao u mraku.biti će ovdje još svakakvih postova,što znanstvenih,što emocionalnih,mojih i tuđih fotki,priča i pričica.sve samo ne dosadno.
utorak, 30.01.2007.
PAIN&SUFFERING
In the middle of the rages,
sleep deprivation
and other crazy-making,
I would catch this
look on her face..
it was absolutely
horrifying, like she was
getting some kind of
’high’ from the pain
and suffering
she was causing me.
I noticed a pattern,
that like any other addiction,
she needed to increase the depth,
intensity and duration of the pain
she produced in me, like the ’high’
wore off, and she had to get ’more’
to get her ’fix’.
The more pain she
caused me to feel,
the more she enjoyed
what she was doing..
the cruelty, the deliberate
cruelty was horrific.
ponedjeljak, 29.01.2007.
ljepota dolazi iznutra
nedjelja, 28.01.2007.
WASTED TIME AND ENERGY
All my thoughts, energies, everything revolved around
’proving’ that her delusions and accusations were not true.
It was an impossible thing. That’s why it was delusional,
because no information would change her opinion/idea.
HURT
subota, 27.01.2007.
INFORMACIJE
Therapists use a book called
"Diagnostic and Statistical Manual"
(DSM) to make mental health diagnoses.
They've outlined nine traits that borderlines
seem to have in common;
the presence of five or more of them may
indicate BPD.
However, please note the following:
*
Everyone has all these traits to a certain extent.
Especially teenagers.
These traits must be long-standing (lasting years) and persistent.
And they must be intense.
*
Be very careful about diagnosing yourself or others.
In fact, don't do it. Top researchers guide patients through several
days of testing before they make a diagnosis.
Don't make your own diagnosis on the basis of a WWW site or a book!
*
Many people who have BPD also have other concerns,
such as depression,
eating disorders, substance abuse — even multiple personality
disorder or attention deficit disorder.
It can be difficult to isolate what is BPD and what might be something else.
Again, you need to talk to a qualified professional.
DSM-IV Definition of BPD
1.
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships,
self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early
adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five
(or more) of the following:
2.
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
3.
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized
by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called "splitting."
Following is a definition of splitting from the book
I Hate You, Don't Leave Me by Jerry Kreisman, M.D. From page 10:
The world of a BP, like that of a child, is split into heroes and villains.
A child emotionally,
the BP cannot tolerate human inconsistencies and ambiguities;
he cannot reconcile anther is good and bad qualities into a constant
coherent understanding of another person. At any particular moment,
one is either Good or EVIL. There is no in-between; no gray area....people
are idolized one day; totally devalued and dismissed the next.
Normal people are ambivalent and can experience two contradictory states atone time;
BPs shift back and forth, entirely unaware of one feeling state while in the other.
When the idealized person finally disappoints (as we all do, sooner or later)
the borderline must drastically restructure his one-dimensional conceptionalization.
Either the idol is banished to the dungeon, or the borderline banishes himself in
other to preserve the all-good image of the other person.
Splitting is intended to shield the BP from a barrage of contradictory feelings
and images and from the anxiety of trying to reconcile those images.
But splitting often achieves the opposite effect.
The frays in the BP's personality become rips, and the sense of his own identity
and the identity of others shifts even more dramatically and frequently.
4.
Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
5.
Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging
(e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
6.
Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
7.
Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood
(e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability,
or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
8.
Chronic feelings of emptiness.
9.
Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger
(e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
10.
Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
Dissociation is the state in which, on some level or another, one becomes somewhat removed from
"reality," whether this be daydreaming, performing actions without being fully connected to their performance
("running on automatic"), or other, more disconnected actions. It is the opposite of "association"
and involves the lack of association, usually of one's identity, with the rest of the world.
There is no "pure" BPD; it coexists with other illnesses. These are the most common. BPD may coexist with:
*
Post traumatic stress disorder
*
Mood disorders
*
Panic/anxiety disorders
*
Substance abuse (54% of BPs also have a problem with substance abuse)
*
Gender identity disorder
*
Attention deficit disorder
*
Eating disorders
*
Multiple personality disorder
*
Obsessive-compulsive disorder
Statistics about BPD
BPs comprise:
*
2% of the general population
*
10% of all mental health outpatients
*
20% of psychiatric inpatients
*
75% of those diagnosed are women
*75% have been physically or sexually abused
utorak, 16.01.2007.
IZMJENE STANJA
