Bijele ruže prve
Imam ... u najmanju ruku zanimljivog partnera. Iskreno, nikada nisam ocekivala da cu se naci u tako izoblicenom svijetu onoga sto covjek ocekuje od sebe, i onoga gdje se zaista u zivotu nadje. Moje cudjenje po tom pitanju je zapravo oduvijek bilo veoma ocekivano, jer sam od pocetka znala kuda idem, i kamo put koji sam odabrala vodi. I sto je jos zanimljivije, danas kad se sjetim trenutaka starih svega godinu dana, kristalno mi je jasno koliko sam puta imala priliku odabrati skretnicu koja me mogla odvojiti od moje opsesije. opsesije, kazem, ne zato jer sam potencijalna manijakalno depresivna ovisnica o hedonistickom pristupu ljubavi, vec zato jer sam postala rob emocija koje svaka nova ljubav nosi. eh, nova ljubav. nema tu niceg novog. od pocetka do kraja, koliko god vremena nasa prica trajala, u njoj nije bilo nicega novog. svaki trenutak me ispunio krajnjim zanosom i srećom, ali esencijalno sam svaki predvidjela i osjetila, i kad me boljelo, i kad sam gorila od uzbudjenja. jesam li imala u sebi moc izmanipulirati svoj zivot onako kako je to moja podsvijet predodredila, ili sam samo slijedila puku intuiciju i po prvi put u zivotu krenula stazom za koju nisam imala ni najmanje ideje kamo me vodi? sada je mozda besmisleno traziti odgovore na takva pitanja... moj je problem, sto se pokazalo tocnim u nebrojenim situacijama, cinjenica da moram analizirati svaki detalj i svako iskustvo koje me zadesi, a pritom i sama sebi cesto cinim zlo. istina, u zadnje vrijeme cesce zrtvujem intelektualiziranje iskustva za ogoljeno uzivanje u trenucima koje zelim zadrzati vise nego svoj razum. ali ono iskonsko u meni jos je isto. i sumnje i bojazan, ali na svu srecu, i zanos i nada, i beskrajna vjera u svo dobro koje potencijalno postoji u zivotu, u ljubavi.
gdje me ovakvo ponocno melankoliziranje ostavlja? otprilike nigjde. a to je vjerojatno gdje sam bila i na pocetku. gledam u vec pola godine nedovrsenu sliku naslikanu od vlastite ruke, koja je bila rijedak ispoljen krik u pomoc od mnogih koje sam osjetila u dugo vremena, a ni to nisam mogla dovrsiti jer jos uvijek ne znam kako ce njen kraj glasiti. svakog dana novi osjecaj, novo vrijeme, nova paleta boja koju bih mogla u sekundi prenijeti na platno i probuditi sve sto sam poslala u duboki san prije mnogo godina, svake minute zivim novo tijelo i novu zoru. volim te zato jer si prestao zivjeti u materijalnom svijetu oko mene. sada zivis na mojim grudima, u mojim suzama i u mom osmijehu. i iako nam nije dozvoljeno zivjeti zajednicka jutra i buditi se lijeni za zivot izvan nas dvoje, i ovo je dostatno. vrijeme ne bjezi. a ja i dalje ne skrecem s puta k tebi. sada znam da sam na mjestu prema kojem idem oduvijek i bila, samo izvan dosega, izvan tvojih ruku i tvog dodira.
Bog prvi: Sedam smrtnih grijeha
The seven deadly sins, also known as the capital vices or cardinal sins, are a classification of
vices used in early Christian teachings to educate and protect followers from basic human
instincts. The church divided sin into two types: venial (forgiven without the need for the
sacrament of Confession) and capital (meriting damnation).
Beginning in the early 14th-century, the popularity of the 7 deadly sins with artists of the
time engrained them in human culture around the world. The generally accepted deadly sins
are superbia (hubris/pride), avaritia (avarice/greed), luxuria (extravagance, later lust), invidia
(envy), gula (gluttony), ira (wrath), and acedia (sloth). Each deadly sin is opposed by one of
the corresponding Seven Holy Virtues.
In the 5th century, A.D., Evagrius of Pontus (349-399), a Greek
theologian, introduced the concept of eight offenses and passions that a human could fall
victim to while on earth. They were the result of an abnormal obsession with self. The cure for
each of these was an adoption of selfless attitudes towards the world.
In the later part of the 6th-century A.D., St. Gregory the Great (d. 604)
in his work Moralia in Job, introduced the seven deadly sins. The goal of the seven deadly sins
was to illustrate for laypersons of the church the need to be mindful of capital sin, or sin which requires penance in Hell. Capital sin is graver than venial sin, which can be forgiven through confession.
Pope Gregory's list was different from the one used today and the ranking of the Sins'
seriousness was based on the degree to which they offended against love. From least serious
to most, they were: lust, gluttony, sadness, avarice, anger, envy, and pride. Sadness would
later be replaced by acedia (sloth), putting off or failing to do what God asks of you.
Throughout the Middle Ages and the Tridentine era, many important theological and
confessional works were structured around the seven deadly sins. Together with the Ten Commandments, it was one of the most popular models for discussions of ethics and
examinations of conscience.
In the official Catechism of the Catholic Church, consisting of 2,865 numbered sections and
first published in 1992 by order of Pope John Paul II, the seven deadly sins are dealt with in
one paragraph. The principal codification of moral transgression for Christians continues to
be the Ten Commandments and the Beatitudes, which are a positive statement of morality
and part of the Sermon on the Mount. While no list of these seven deadly sins appears as
such in the Bible itself, each of them is condemned at various points in the text. A list of seven
sins that God hates is found in Proverbs 6:16-19:
There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him:
haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked
schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man
who stirs up dissension among brothers.
The Italian poet Dante Alighieri (1265-1321), a significant figure in
Christian religion in the 13th century A.D., wrote three epic poems (known collectively as
the Divine Comedy) titled Inferno, Purgatorio, and Paradiso. In his book Inferno, Dante
recounts the visions he has in a dream in which he enters and descends into hell. According
to Dante, he is told by his guide that a soul's location in Hell is based upon the sins that they
commit when they are alive. In each 'ring' of hell, a specific punishment is doled out. As they
descend lower and lower, the punishments (and consequently sins) become worse and worse
until he reaches the bottom and discovers Satan.
The Inferno is not structured around the seven deadly sins, but Dante encounters various
sins in the following order (canto number): Lust (5), Gluttony (6), Avarice (7), Wrath (7-8),
Heresy (10), Violence (12-17), Blasphemy (14), Fraud (18-30), and Treachery (32-34).
The Purgatorio, on the other hand, closely follows the traditional scheme of the seven deadly
sins. Since Pride is the root of all sins, the souls in Purgatory must be purged of that sin first,
and as they ascend the mount, they experience progressively diminishing punishments to
expiate the other six deadly sins. Once they are freed of sinful inclinations, the souls can regain
the earthly paradise forfeited by Adam and Eve.
The eminent Italian theologian and philosopher Thomas Aquinas
(1225-1274), like most Scholastics, systematically examined the seven deadly sins in his
works. Aquinas did not believe that the seriousness of the capital sins should be ranked.
In one of his most famous works, "Conferences", French monk St. John Cassian
(360-435), introduces the concept of an interconnected relationship between sins
when he explains that excesses of any one vice will lead to other, more severe vices. For
example, an excess of gluttony will lead to fornication, and an excess of fornication will lead
to avarice and so on.
Listed in order of increasing severity as per Pope Gregory the Great, 6th-century A.D.,
the seven deadly sins are as follows:
Lust (Latin, luxuria)
Lust (fornication, perversion) —
Depraved thought, unwholesome morality, desire for excitement, or need to be accepted or recognized by others. Obsessive, unlawful, or unnatural sexual desire, such as desiring sex
with a person outside marriage or engaging in unnatural sexual appetites. Rape and sodomy
are considered to be extreme lust and are said to be mortal sins. Dante's criterion was
"excessive love of others," thereby detracting from the love due to God. Lust prevents clarity
of thought and rational behavior.
Gluttony (Latin, gula)
Gluttony (waste, overindulgence) —
Thoughtless waste of everything, overindulgence, misplaced sensuality, uncleanliness, and
maliciously depriving others. Marked by refusal to share and unreasonable consumption of more
than is necessary, especially food or water. Destruction, especially for sport. Substance abuse
or binge drinking. Dante explains it as "excessive love of pleasure". Associated with pigs and
the color orange.
Avarice (Latin, avaritia)
Greed (treachery, avarice) —
A strong desire to gain, especially in money or power. Disloyalty, deliberate betrayal, or treason, especially for personal gain or when compensated. Scavenging and hoarding of materials or
objects. Theft and robbery by violence. Simony is the evolution of avarice because it fills you
with the urge to make money by selling things within the confines of the church. This sin is
abhorred by the Catholic Church and is seen as a sin of malice, Dante included this sin in his
first novel. Simony can be viewed as betrayal. Thomas Aquinas on greed: "it is a sin against
God, just as all mortal sins, in as much as man condemns things eternal for the sake of
temporal things." The childish of the 3 exaggerated adulthood sins. Greed is represented by
the frog and the color yellow. 
Sloth (Latin, acedia)
Sloth (apathy, indifference) —
Apathy, idleness, and wastefulness of time. Laziness is particularly condemned because
others must work harder to make up for it. Cowardice or irresponsibility. Abandonment,
especially of God. Sloth is a state of equilibrium: one does not produce much, one does not
consume much. Dante wrote that sloth is the "failure to love God with all one's heart, all one's
mind and all one's soul". Associated with goats and the color light blue. The
childish of the two misplaced childhood.
Wrath (Latin, ira)
Wrath (anger, hatred) —
Inappropriate (unrighteous) feelings of hatred and anger. Denial of the truth to others or
self. Impatience or revenge outside of justice. Wishing to do evil or harm to others. Self-righteousness. Wrath is the root of murder and assault. Dante described wrath as "love of
justice perverted to revenge and spite". The childish of the two prolonged adolescence sins,
being hard to safeguard against especially in the case of people in teens and 20s.
Envy (Latin, invidia)
Envy (jealousy, malice) —
Grieving spite and resentment of material objects, accomplishments, or character traits of
others, or wishing others to fail or come to harm. Envy is the root of theft and self-loathing.
Dante defined this as "love of one's own good perverted to a desire to deprive other men of
theirs". Associated with the dog and the color green. The adolescent of the 3 exaggerated
Pride (Latin, superbia)
Pride (vanity, narcissism) —
A desire to be more important or attractive to others, failing to give credit due to others,
or excessive love of self (especially holding self out of proper position toward God). Dante's
definition was "love of self perverted to hatred and contempt for one's neighbor". In Jacob Bidermann's medieval miracle play, Cenodoxus, superbia is the deadliest of all the sins and
leads directly to the damnation of the famed Doctor of Paris, Cenodoxus. Pride was what
sparked the fall of Lucifer from Heaven. Vanity and narcissism are good examples of these sins
and they often lead to the destruction of the sinner, for instance by the wanton squandering
of money and time on themselves without caring about others. Pride can be seen as the
misplacment of morals. Associated with the horse and the color violet. The
absolute of the 3 exaggerated adulthood sins, as a prideful person believes him/herself to be
in complete control of things.
Lust: Smothered in brimstone and fire
Gluttony: Force-fed rats, toads and snakes
Greed: Boiled in the finest oil
Sloth: Thrown into a snake pit
Wrath: Dismembered alive
Envy: Submerged in freezing water
Pride: Broken on the wheel
Similar punishments are imagined in Dante's Inferno
Associations with demons
In 1589, Peter Binsfeld paired each of the deadly sins with a demon, who tempted people
by means of the associated sin. According to Binsfeld's classification of demons, the pairings
are as follows:
Beelzebub: Gluttony (lord of the flies)
Prvo, pa poetsko.
Noćas bih mogao napisati najtužnije stihove.
Napisati, na primjer: "Noć je posuta zvijezdama,
trepere modre zvijezde u daljini."
Noćni vjetar kruži nebom i pjeva.
Noćas bih mogao napisati najtužnije stihove.
Volio sam je, a ponekad je i ona mene voljela.
U noćima kao ova bila je u mom naručju.
Ljubljah je, koliko puta, ispod beskrajna neba.
Voljela me, a ponekad i ja sam je volio.
Kako da ne volim njene velike nepomične oči.
Noćas bih mogao napisati najtužnije stihove.
Misliti da je nemam, osjećati da sam je izgubio.
Slušati noć beskrajnu, još mnogo dužu bez nje.
I stih pada na dušu kao rosa na pašnjak.
Nije važno što je ljubav moja ne sačuva.
Noć je posuta zvijezdama i ona nije uza me.
To je sve. U daljini netko pjeva. U daljini.
Duša je moja nesretna što ju je izgubila.
Kao da je želi približiti, moj pogled je traži.
Srce je moje traži, a ona nije uza me.
Ista noć u bijelo odijeva ista stabla.
Ni mi, od nekada, nismo više isti.
Više je ne volim, sigurno, ali koliko sam volio!
Moj glas je tražio vjetar da takne njeno uho.
Drugome. Pripast će drugome. Ko prije mojih cjelova.
Njen glas i jasno tijelo. Njene beskrajne oči.
Više je ne volim, zaista, no možda je ipak volim?
Ljubav je tako kratka, a zaborav tako dug.
I jer sam je u noćima poput ove držao u naručju,
duša je moja nesretna što ju je izgubila.
Iako je to posljednja bol koju ni zadaje
i posljednji stihovi koje za nju pišem.