ATTORNEY REFERRAL SERVICE

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Hire Date: D.H.S. 05/20/85 C.P.S. 05/20/85
College: El Centro
Hometown: Saco, Penna
Marital Status: Single and happy
Children (or pets): 3 and BoJangles
Favorite Food: Pizza
Favorite Pastime: Reading a good book
Worst thing that has ever happened to you while working for CPS: Being shot in the line of duty or receiving the Sigmund Freud award.
Best thing that has ever happened to you while working for C.P.S.: Meeting and making some terrific new friends.
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FIFTH ANNIVERSARY
Unit: 07
Hire date: DHS - 05/20/85 CPS: 05/16/85
Hometown: Saco, Pennsylvania
Marital Status: Divorced
Children: Paul (22), Pam (21) and Phylicia (19)
Pets: Bojangles {9 years)
Motto: Being an optimist is better than being a pessimist.
Career goals: Learn to speak Spanish and make more money.
Current project: deciding if I want to lose weight or not
Your major pathology: knowing me, I suspect I have-em-all!
Favorite deviancy: men!!!
Favorite vacation spot: mountains
When you were a child, you wanted to grow up to be: a Psychiatrist
My mother always told me: nothing! she never spoke to me.
What do you want on your tombstone?: "Born a female - died a person."
If you were stranded on a desert island, who would you want with you: Christ
First love: Men!!!
Worst thing that has ever happened to you while working for CPS: Being stuck in a room with a Defense Attorney.
Best thing that has ever happened to you while working for CPS: Getting to work with a lot of "great" people.
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SIXTH ANNIVERSARY
Unit #: 07
Hire date: 05/20/85
Motto: to endure
Career goals: Make more money and learn Spanish
Current project: getting two children married & getting money for Hawaii
Major pathology: see next answer
Favorite deviancy: I'd hate to have to pick just one
Favorite vacation spot: anywhere there is trees (real trees)
Best advice my parents gave me: pay your bills & keep good name
What I would want on my tombstone: I'm not dying!!!
Secret fantasy: It's a secret-but-if I must tell, to be very wealthy and to play the piano
Favorite DHS-CPS form: this one, when others fill it out
Headlines I would like to read: Where did they all go?
The real me is: wealthy.
Pet Peeve: people who honk their horns for people to come out to their home versus going to the door
Favorite time in history: yesterday
Favorite weatherman: Burt Daniels
I collect: owls
When I was a child, I wanted to grow up to be a: Psychiatrist
If I were an animal, I would be: an owl or a tiger
Favorite dream theme: to travel.
Primary vanity: my eyes
If I could have "overs" on one thing it would be: too long to put down here.
I have been blessed with: three "pretty good" kids & wonderful friends
I'll know I'm middle age when: I am middle age.
5/22/91
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DEA Raids Hospice, Nabs 96-Year Old Scofflaw

BALTO – Feb 13, 2009 – In a surprise, early-morning raid that left elderly residents clutching their chests, thirty-five DEA agents descended on a local hospice in search of weapons and narcotics. The raid, dubbed Operation Pacemaker, is part of a larger effort to crack down on clinics, hospices and so-called “elder-care” centers that use federal funds. Nabbed in the raid were three vials of Percocet, six Vicodans, two half-eaten Oxycontins, a cane, and a case of Ensure. Also nabbed was 96-year old, Vincent Pinelli, sought in connection with several parking violations. Mr. Pinelli, who lunged at officers yelling, “Bonzai!” will be arraigned this morning at Flubug Memorial Hospital where he was taken after collapsing in an apparent suicide attempt.

Commenting on the raid, Mayor Bobby Ornrey, whose Crossley Nursing Home vies for the same federal funds, applauded the move as “long overdue” and added, “The vermin who run this place are no different than drug dealers, turning our elderly citizens into drug-crazed animals.”

Lieutenant Davison of the DEA concured. “You wouldn’t believe what I saw when we got there. Patients so wasted they couldn’t get out of bed. Others too wobbly to walk. Some didn’t even know what day it was, like the woman who asked if I was General MacArthur. The animals who run this place should be jailed for the rest of their lives.”

And he may get his wish. June Aristede, the woman who’s operated the facility from its inception in 1996, now faces six counts of distributing narcotics to an elder citizen, one count of harboring a dangerous fugitive and a federal weapons charge stemming from the metal-tipped cane. She also faces the possibility of paying restitution or funeral expenses for her elder victims, many of whom were still milling around the facility when this article went to press.

At a press conference held on the steps of the now-shuttered hospice, defense attorney, Dustin Ashe, characterized the DEA as “a pack of unregulated thugs” and insisted his client did nothing unusual in her duties as hospice administrator. “Did she distribute drugs? Of course. That’s what every hospice does! They distribute drugs so seniors won’t suffer needlessly in their last days on earth. Only the DEA would see that as a crime!”

Whether his arguments stand up will be seen in the days ahead. The trial is slated to begin in Down County Federal Court on April 19th.